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Breastfeeding/pregnancy and sex

Forum: Attachment Parenting


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  • 1 Post By ashj_1218
  • 3 Post By ohnicole

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July 29th, 2013, 11:04 AM
ohnicole's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 5,756
Hey ladies! I had a frustrating conversation with DH yesterday, and I thought since so many AP mamas end up breasfeeding and/or pregnant for years on end maybe some of you would have some insight.

Basically, I initiated a conversation with DH about him not seeming to be very interested in sex for a while. I thought I would get the typical pregnancy responses, 'Sometimes I think it's a little weird with the baby in there' or 'I just always think you're tired' or something like that, and then we could move on and solve the problem. Instead he said that he thinks it weird to have sex when I'm breastfeeding because he feels like my boobs belong to the baby, and he is always afraid that my boobs will leak (which hasn't happened in over a year!) because it's weird when then happens. And he also said that I have been really crabby for months (which I was unaware of, I thought I was doing pretty well) and that he was afraid if he tried to initiate sex I would yell at him (which I have NEVER done).

So basically I didn't know what to say to any of that, and honestly I was kind of hurt. I know he didn't mean it this way, but it is hard not to hear it as, "I don't want to have sex because not only are you really weird and your boobs freak me out, but you also have a really unattractive personality and are mean." Now we have a new problem, because I don't really want to have sex at this point because I would feel really self-conscious about everything he said.

Has anybody had any similar pregnancy/breastfeeding-related sex issues? And do you have any tips or advice?
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July 29th, 2013, 05:28 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 6,057
Aw *hugs* It sounds to me like your DH is having trouble communicating. It would be really hard for me not to take his words personally, but I think it's best if you can try not to!! Probably a lot of what he is voicing is coming from an irrational, emotional place inside him that only has some resemblance to reality. I wouldn't take it like "I'm a mean person and my boobs are gross" but just that on some level, he is scared of doing the wrong thing, like because your body is different due to pregnancy/BFing he can't relate to you the same way he did before. I think the best way around this is more talking. More more more talking. And then later, playing around you can try other things than you normally would that maybe feel less fraught for him (leave your shirt on, etc), over time he may lose those hangups.

I am lucky in that DH has maintained sexual attraction for me throughout my physical changes. But we have struggled with my sex drive being very very low for long periods of time, in certain phases of pregnancy and BFing. We had to talk about it a lot. What I came to understand is that for him, physical intimacy is a huge component of emotional intimacy and feeling loved, whereas it is not for me as much, it is more separate, esp when my libido is nonexistent. So I was motivated to work harder to give him that connection in a manner that didn't feel phoney for me - not to get too graphic but it mainly involves non intercourse sex play and skin time. With us, it's me that doesn't want him touching my boobs, they just don't feel sexual to me at certain times and it weirds me out if they get touched erotically. So we sort of had to (and continue to have to) renegotiate our respective boundaries and work within that. But maintain the open line of communication and give each other the benefit of the doubt, if you know what I mean.

I hope this helps a little and I hope you guys can work it out!!! End of pregnancy can be a very sexy time LOL... weirdly enough. And in a weird way. I was past 41 weeks when G came and we were trying to get him out with as much sex as possible in the last few weeks. Just finding a feasible position was an engineering project though

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July 30th, 2013, 09:02 AM
angelsailor288's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Kingston, NY
Posts: 5,057
Awww I'm sorry hun *hugs*
I'm sure its all still an adjustment for him too. After having Nicholas I had to literally take DH's hands and put them on my breasts during sex so he knew it was still ok to touch!!

Thank you jaidynsmum for my siggy!

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July 31st, 2013, 06:08 AM
ohnicole's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 5,756
Thanks for the advice, ladies Sometimes it is really hard not to let your own insecurities get in the way! I am sure DH and I will work it out soon... we better, as I also plan on using sex as a natural induction method in the next few weeks
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July 31st, 2013, 11:32 AM
ashj_1218's Avatar Hiya!
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 11,971
I don't have much advice. DH and I struggle during pregnancy (when I say struggle I mean it just doesn't happen for lots of reasons) and sometimes it's awkward while I am nursing. And that's hard. Big because that's tough all around.

I gotta give your DH props for not covering up the real reasons with fake ones (like "I'm too tired" blah!). At least it lets you work on the real issues and not float along.

Maybe try some creative clothing choices for the breasts aspects (pretty bra that stays on?). But I certainly can't help you in the mood area. I am always a grouch lately. Have been for a year! Lol.
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July 31st, 2013, 01:06 PM
NinjaCakes's Avatar Awesomesauce
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Illinois
Posts: 2,473
I agree, it is good that you guys communicated this honestly. I have no tips unfortunately, sex died a quick and painless death around two months. I hope things work out for you soon.

Thanks so much Claire for my awesome siggy
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August 9th, 2013, 06:06 PM
ohnicole's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 5,756
I just wanted to say thanks for the responses DH and I are slowly but surely working things out, so hopefully we continue to go in the right direction!
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