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-   -   DH having doubts... (https://www.justmommies.com/forums/f341-home-birth/569223-dh-having-doubts.html)

azchela May 11th, 2007 12:06 PM

So DH and I have been having some other issues lately - mainly that he gets home so late on weeknights that DS is already in bed and I am usually headed towards bed when he does roll in. And he's not working late - he's at the gym or playing volleyball with his buddies or maybe studying (he did have finals in his graduate class last week). So - things are already tense around here because I am nervous about taking care of two babies by myself, essentially.

Anyway - last night I mentioned that my OB had called me about my records transfer and when I told him I was planning an assisted homebirth he was very supportive. It was nice, he said I was the perfect candidate and he supported my decision completely and was sending all of my records and test results to the midwife today. So nice to have that kind of reaction.

So DH says, "Well, that's good. I just wish you would have waited to make sure we were 100% before you transferred the records." :blink: We met with our doula and midwife on Saturday and Sunday morning had a long discussion about it in which I was pretty sure we BOTH agreed we would move forward with a home birth. I even told him when I was going to write the check to the midwife, that sounds pretty final to me!

So I told him that and then he said, "Well, can you have an epidural with a homebirth?" And I said, "No, but I don't need one" and then he said "You needed one last time" (Background - I was pressured into Pit and an Epi after 19 hours of labor after my water broke...a nurse checked me and said I was only at 4 and if I didn't do the Pit the OB would probably do a C/S. So I gave in. And that is exactly what I want to avoid.)

His comment really got to me, and I immediately started crying and saying that I knew I could do this and if he doesn't have faith in me then it will never work...I mean why is he doubting me now? He was so supportive of me going natural with DS I just never dreamed he would try and use that epi to talk me out of homebirth.

So he apologized and hugged me or whatever but then said, "why do you really want a homebirth, anyway?" GRRR. Like I haven't told him this a hundred times. I went over everything you all know - birth is not a medical event, I trust my body, I want to labor and deliver in peace and comfort, I believe a hospital labor is RISKIER than a home labor because of medical interventions, etc. He was like, "yeah - I guess I am still freaked out about the mess and stuff"

So get this - he was reading the prep packet from the midwife and when he got to tha part about how to make the bed during labor (shower curtains, two sets of sheets, etc) he was like "Oh we will have to get a new bed if you are going to use this one." I reassured him, repetivitely, that if I labor or even deliver in bed (plan is a water birth) that there will be no trace of it after clean-up. The matress will not be damaged at all. He was like, "That doesn't matter its still GROSS. And I won't sleep in this bed either after you deliver."

I am so mad by this point I basically tell him that if he wants I will move out into a red tent in the backyard like they did in the Bible and stay there for the rest of the pregnancy, birth and like 6 months postpartum since he thinks I am "unclean". I mean come ON, I get that mess and blood freaks him out but telling me we have to go out and buy another $1,000 mattress because he won't sleep on it if my blood even touched it after I birthed his CHILD!!!!

By this time i was crying of course, but I tried to pull it together enough to tell him I know asking him to support a homebirth is a lot to ask but asking me to have a hospital birth is a lot more to ask, and a lot riskier to me and the baby, in my opinion. I also told him he needs to read more abnout homebirths before he makes rash judgements (he hasn't even picked up one of the four books I borrowed from the midwife) and maybe talk to the midwife more and other HB dads.

Then I went to sleep crying. why does he have to be this way? Can't he just get over his stupid fear of "ick" and understand that this is one of the most beautiful and meaningful experiences of our lives and that "ick" is what is nourishing and keeping his son or daughter alive right now? This just upsets me so much I have been in tears since he left this morning.

Sorry this is so long i just needed to vent I guess. I just don't know what to do - I will not be forced into a hospital birth just to placate him...but can I have a successful homebirth when he is being such a immature a%&[email protected]@^le?

Acadia May 11th, 2007 12:33 PM

I'm sorry. :closedeyes:

My DF gets that way about some things. I had him reading about perineal massage and his comment was "Oh, I hope you don't need that. I won't want to touch you down there while you're in labor." :blink: Excuse me? He had no problem touching me there before! How does he think I got this way!?

It really does irk me that he says those kinds of things, but he doesn't realize it hurts me so much. Even after I explain it, he has trouble understanding. And I can kind of see that ... it's not happening to his body, so he's kind of detached, and his mother always told him those kinds of things were "dirty". He repeats her comments without thinking. But when the time comes he steps up to the plate, which is really what matters. Is your DH the same kind of guy? Does he get squeamish when DS is sick or does he suck it up to show he cares? When you were having morning sickness (if you did), did he say "EEW" or did he hold your hair back like my DF does? When I talk about bodily functions in the abstract, yes, it's a scary thing and DF would rather someone else be in charge of them, but when he really sees me "in need" he wants to be my knight in shining armor! Maybe when it comes down to it he'll change his tune ... I mean, when it really hits him that this is his wife and child.

If it will make you more comfortable, though, maybe you should ask another "support person" to be there, if there's a close friend or relative who'd be willing. That way he won't be your only option for someone to talk to and be there for you. Hopefully that would take away some of your worry, knowing you will still have support no matter what.

:dothug: Michelle!

Motherbird May 13th, 2007 07:22 AM

If it's any reassurance, my Dh is very anti-icky stuff and had similar worries about our first homebirth. But afterwards, he understood. Even though he was against the idea of HB at first, he soon became an advocate once he experienced it. The same will happen with your husband, I'm sure. He will only remember what a beautiful moment it was and forget about the all the blood and icky stuff.

LaLa May 13th, 2007 01:28 PM


My suggestion would be to grab a few books & evne if he wont read, you read & earmark & highlight some important sections.

Some good books:
Natural Childbirth The Bradley Way - has secitons for husbands/coaches specifically, esplains it in plain terms, has pictures, very caveman/DH-oriented. lol
Birthing From Within - primarily for you, but there will be sections that say exactly what youre feeling 7 discuss why its so importnat for everyone at the birth to be supportive, not make stupid comments that can undermine a womans confidence, integrity, etc... and how respect for the birthing process is NUMBER 1!!! Highlight/earmark those parts ;)

finally - Ina Mays Guide to Childbirth. She explains things so beautifully. It really made a difference in how my DH viewed Childbirth. he gags at baby slobber. yet, after the birth, he cleaned out the birth tub with a bucket when we realized we forgot to buy a pump, and the siphon didnt work lol. Yes, placenta chunks and all lol.

(((hugs))) I know it has to be disheartening. Have you talked to your MW or doula about these feelings & issues? I know its tough & you probably feel like you dont want to be bad-mouthing your DH to them, but theyll be a gread place to confide in & I guarantee youre not the first woman theyve had thats had to deal with this. They can probably help by throwing bits of info in from time to time to re-emphasize your POV.

((((hugs)))) I can definitely empathize, and even until the day I gave birth my Dh had his doubts. But once it all happened, and was done, he was so amazed, it really made a difference in him :)


MrsPil May 13th, 2007 10:19 PM

Oh sweetheart I'm so sorry! I remember the fights that I had with DH about all the what if's and I know it's miserable. I am more than happy to talk to anyone any time about homebirth and if you need some support, a shoulder to cry on, someone to vent to, or just some mama lovin' lemme know. Pregnancy is hard enough when you have the support of your partner and I know that home birthers must be even stronger because we have so much extra "stuff" to deal with. ((hugs)) You can do this!

Oh and if you DH wants to get Biblical about it Jesus was a UC baby ;)

azchela May 14th, 2007 01:30 PM

Thank you all so much.

DH and I talked more about it and he said he thinks he just needs some time to "get used" to the idea...and I have provided him with some things to read (some good birth stories from here, some stuff my mw gave me, etc).

I am reading Ina May's Guide right now (how inspiring!) and I have Birthing From Within and a Thinking Woman's Guide as well. My MW has a great lending library - so I borrowed them all from her.

I know DH will be super supportive and loving when I am in labor - he was amazing during labor with DS. And I know afterward he will understand and be very glad we chose HB. So I am just trying to be patient and understanding with him, and we'll get through this just fine.

Also it will help that my MW does a home visit at 36 weeks - I think having her here and being able to describe what will happen and how we will prepare will help him a lot.

Anyway - thanks for all the support. :inlove: :inlove:

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