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-   -   Assumptions (https://www.justmommies.com/forums/f75-large-families/2560108-assumptions.html)

MiRose August 11th, 2012 07:46 AM

I have to admit that I am jealous of some of you with the larger families. If I am lucky we will only have 6. We are trying for #5 right now. I am a mandatory Csection. *sighs*

Anyway, does anyone ever have the problem of people assuming you are on welfare since you have a larger family?

I know some of our problem is that my SO has moderate Cerebral Palsy. Still he has 2 BA's and works very hard for our family. We are on no assistance at all. Yet I have gotten comments about "you must be living pretty large on the food stamps" or "don't you think you are taxing the system to much" and so on. I have had comments like that even when I shop alone. Or "there is no way you can afford all them". Well, yeah, we can. We just don't drive fancy new cars, have the latest and best of this or that. Our only debt is our house. We own our cars. We pay for everything via credit card but pay it off every month. We do that for the cash back points which we use for Christmas shopping.

Now, I know there are some larger families on welfare. There are those who are living with a lot or totally on state assistance and keep having kids. My SO actually works for the government and sees is. And I know this may get some mad, but to me, that is wrong. Sorry, but if you can't afford them, then you should stop having them.

Farmers-wife August 11th, 2012 08:17 AM

Re: Assumptions
I think you might benefit from learning from the bad feeling you have about people judging your financial situation and reconsider how you judge others for having large families as well. We all have different reasons and circumstances. I appreciate that your so works hard, but I could point out that maybe you should be married before ttc #5.

Anyway, welcome here. You will learn a lot from the very diverse group of large family moms here. We have grown from knowing each other, stretched our own preconceived notions of what other large family moms should be.

I am a married, Christian, homeschooling, mother of 9.

MiRose August 11th, 2012 08:30 AM

Re: Assumptions
So because I refer to him as my SO it means we are not married? Assumptions....

And yes, everyone has different circumstances. But knowing you are not able to care for children and still having them because you desire them is still wrong. Having a large family and having something bad happen (loss of job or cut hours) and needing state aid is another thing. Being on state aid to start and then continuously procreating and the state paying for the kids is another thing.

Farmers-wife August 11th, 2012 08:45 AM

Re: Assumptions
No, it is still your opinion. We all make do differently. In my world we would say the lord provides. Maybe He provided medicaid or food stamps for just such people who want more children, which are always a blessing. Just like in the old days He provided the gleaning system. Society has changed, God has not. And really, the state pays for nothing. Every dollar it has, it got from some person. People are the state. So in the long run, all those kids, who will eventually pay taxes, are needed by the state to continue to exist.

MiRose August 11th, 2012 09:11 AM

Re: Assumptions
Yes children are always a blessing. And yes, society has changed. So has the gleaning system. There are groups who go to local bakeries and farmers and take what is left to distribute to those who need it. So there is actively a gleaning system in place still. Have you ever tried to go to local farms and ask for what they cannot sell like the not very nice looking produce which is still good? So yes, there is a system out there that has nothing to do with welfare.

Medical can be hard to come by in most lower paying jobs. I will agree to that.

Momtothe6thpower August 11th, 2012 09:41 AM

I'm starting to think you are making some false assumptions yourself...

We are happy to welcome any and all new members to the board but you'll have to leave the chip on your shoulder at the door.

Are there large families out there that make the rest of us look bad? Sure, but I haven't walked in their shoes nor know their story and may be very shocked at what I find if I had.

There's good and bad in everything. Families with less children abuse the system as well. I just don't understand all the anger towards the less fortunate larger families?

MiRose August 11th, 2012 09:49 AM

Re: Assumptions
No, I am commenting on her gleaning. The true sense was for those less fortunate to be able to work for their food. Farmers were not allowed to help the people gather. To say the gleaning system is dead is false.

I have no problems with those who fall on hard times. Everyone falls on hard times and need help at some point in their lives. Or there are those who were stable, the parents split up and the one parent cannot make ends meet without the other parent. So the remaining parent needs aid. I had a friend in that position. Then there are the less responsible who know ends can never be met and keep procreating. Yes, there are services, but to keep going and going tax them. So more and more funds have to be put into those programs instead of into other programs.

Yes, small families and single people do abuse the system as well. I am not saying that it is only larger groups that do. I am not saying that all larger families abuse the system. What you are reading as anger is not anger.

sarahlorrain August 11th, 2012 12:16 PM

Re: Assumptions
My dh and I have 4 children. We are on some state assistance and we may or may not have more children. Probably will. I could not possibly care any less about what people think of our family and how we raise/care for them. We pay taxes just like everyone else and we don't abuse the system.

Having said that, welcome to our little corner of the internet.

I think one of the things we pride ourselves on here is not being judgmental of each other. We are all different, and I think that's great.

Anyway, I'm Sarah. I have been married for 11 years and we have 4 children, ages 10, 8, 6 and 2. I work at home and homeschool our children.

As for assumptions, I most often get assumptions that the children do not have the same father, or that we got pregnant and then married and not the other way around since I got married and then pregnant (in that order) when I was only 18 and still in High School. They can shove it. :)

anexia August 11th, 2012 12:18 PM

Re: Assumptions
I'm trying to find the right way to say this so please take it in the light it is intended. first, I understand what you are saying. My daughter occasionally gets these comments at school because I am a SAHM. Kids are convinced, told by their parents I assume, that you cannot survive on one income. We aren't rolling in it. we drive old cars, pay cash, pick drops at the orchard, garden, can our own food, coupon, yard sale, and whatever else it takes. So it can be frusterating when people jugde you on biased assumptions.
However, one thing we have learned is that we only have so much control over when/how many children we have. I fought for years to get pg with #2, then 3 was a surprise, #4 took several months of fertility treatments, and after a lot of consideration about finances we decided to have one last child. Even though we felt we were suposed to have more, we felt any more children on our income would be irresponsible. That baby was twins. HAHAHA. Since the twins we have made a careful effort to avoid pg until dh got a vasectomy. I am now 5 months pg. SURPRISE.
I guess what I'm trying to say is we really don't know what goes on in other peoples lives. Besides having money never was a good qualification for being a good parent. Some people are terribly irresposible about children and don't take care of the ones they have but keep having more. However, taking care of your children has to do with much more than money.
There are people here who work very hard to take care of their families and still need a little help. We had some bad financial pitfalls last fall that we are trying to recover from. This spring, when I finally broke down and applied for food stamps, it was very difficult for me. I actually cried in dhs and I am NOT a crier. I found out right about that same time that I was pg. I could practically feel the judgement. I didn't even want to tell anyone I was pg because I knew how people would react.
No one here wants to need assistance. But we still have to feed our children. Its a very touchy subject. So I would recomend treading very lightly.
And by the way, welcome. And good luck ttc

Babymakes8 August 11th, 2012 02:08 PM

Re: Assumptions
Welcome to our little group.

CalledBlessed August 11th, 2012 03:03 PM

Re: Assumptions
Anexia=Love It!............Welcome Welcome come open minded and learning:)

cybele August 11th, 2012 05:19 PM

Re: Assumptions
To answer the initial question, I get annoyed when people voice most assumptions, they vary from, what you stated, that we must be on benefits because we have 5 children / are financially supporting 6. But they also include things like "The older 2 must be from a previous marriage" "the little one must be an accident" "you would have to have a huge house" "you must spend a lot of money on food" "you must be Catholic" "you must have certain political beliefs" and so on.

Some might be true, such as how my youngest came into existence, and yeah, we generally spend more on food than a family with one child would (umm... duh?) but it is still stuff that doesn't really need to be voiced.

Same goes with judging why people are on benefits, or marital status or how long someone's hair is or what shoes someone wears or where they live or what colour their bedsheets are.

No one knows other than them, no one is really in a position to judge.

therevslady August 11th, 2012 05:37 PM

Re: Assumptions
I notice as well that when people make those assumptions, that there are underlying prejudices associated with them. I think that's what bothers me the most, is the prejudice they are bringing to the table. All the assumptions that Cyble just mentioned are common, but you know, there's nothing wrong with any of those things.

cybele August 11th, 2012 05:58 PM

Re: Assumptions
^^^ Exactly.

We all live different lives and we do the things we do because that's what works for us. If some people need help to put food on the table, then good on them for seeking that help instead of being too embarrassed to due to those people who are judging.

mom2many2010 August 11th, 2012 07:13 PM

Re: Assumptions

I'll start with your initial question...no, I have never had those types of comments and if I did... I'm pretty sure it would be the last time anyone made that assumption about my family.

Now to add to the part that has sparked a little debate. I am going to go against the grain with this one...sorry ladies...

I love my nieces and nephews to pieces, but my sister needs to stop having children. She lives off of the state...yes, the state cause even though individuals contribute to the money. It is money that now belongs to the state and in many cases can be used in other ways. She has never held a job, except for a brief time here and there: she is a habitual welfare mom, and she is not the only one out there.

I do believe that if you can not afford them, you should stop. Again to repeat what MIRose said, not people who find themselves in a pinch here or there. Thats much different then people who use welfare as if it was their job. The system is there to help those who find themselves in a bad place and I don't find that to be judgmental, just my opinion.

UrbanMomma August 11th, 2012 08:44 PM

Re: Assumptions
I don't particularly care what people think about me. I work, have a union job, make more hourly than a lot of people out there, but my position is only part time. I don't have a lot of seniority. Currently I feel blessed to no longer be an "on call" employee and be working everyday! Personally I could say I work physically harder in five hours than most people work in a month.

My husband also works, however he has previous children and child support takes a big portion of his check. He is also a barber and cuts hair out of our house.

So we both work, and our family does get food assistance (gasp). We qualified for cash assistance but chose not to accept it, we just want to feed the kids better than hot dogs and boxed mac n cheese everyday.

Is it what we want to have to do, no. Is it currently what we have to do, yes.

People make a lot of stupid *** assumptions about me and my family, I'm sure. More behind my back than to my face though.

I am sure there are people out there who have nasty opinions about my children having more than one father, or me not being married until nine MONTHS ago, or them being biracial. Again, those people can jump in a lake.

Repti.Mom August 11th, 2012 08:51 PM

Re: Assumptions
You also live in the poorest state in the US.

I think it's quite different for people who live in the states than it is in other countries am I right Cybele? There's not so much EXTRA benefit unless you really need it, but everyone gets more than we get in the US. More time off, more benefit for our children, different, dare I say better, health care etc.

I have never been judged to my face. If I were, I'd probably just come here and pout about it lol I don't say things back to people, no confrontation here.

My husband works 10 hours a day sometimes 6 days a week, but he gets paid flat rate, not hourly. He works harder than a hell of a lot of men I know. Plus you know what, right now going to school doesn't mean ****, except that you have student loans to pay back. Of course his work paid for his schooling. ANYWAY I don't work because I was working for fun. I was paying more for daycare than I brought home, so yes, we get some benefits. If anyone has a problem with it they can rant all they want behind my back, or even to my face, it's not going to make any difference at all really until people start getting paid better and this "wonderful" united states becomes more wonderful.

UrbanMomma August 11th, 2012 09:11 PM

Re: Assumptions
Yeah, it might do some good too if the older people, say who have been in our place of employment for 30+ years, would retire and open those jobs up for those of us younger employees trying to raise our families. They are considering offering buy-outs very soon to those employees and it may open up ninety positions. I am really hoping for a full time position. It would eliminate my need for a bridge card, which I don't really want to have to use.

Babymakes8 August 11th, 2012 09:16 PM

Re: Assumptions
I don't think anyone owes anyone any explanation for why or if they are on any assistance. It's a very personal matter.

As long as you are caring for your children (love, food, clothing, education) then that is all that matters or is important.

anexia August 11th, 2012 09:29 PM

Re: Assumptions
This is something that has been realy bugging me. We were scraping by and I was ok with that but then we had a financial disaster and I dont know how we are ever going to dig ourselves out. I have always tried to avoid assistance but I have never grudged anyone working hard and still needing some help. Dh has a BA plus and I manage property from home but we just cant make enough to keep up.
Most of the time I figure people can just bite me. But its tough to let it roll off my shoulders when I really cant pay my bills. Anyone ever feel this way? You don't have to answer. I guess I'm just full of stress tonight and this caught me on a bad day.

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