JustMommies Message Boards

JustMommies Message Boards (https://www.justmommies.com/forums/)
-   Large Families (https://www.justmommies.com/forums/f75-large-families/)
-   -   kids moving out (https://www.justmommies.com/forums/f75-large-families/2575137-kids-moving-out.html)

#5in2005 September 19th, 2012 10:49 AM

kids moving out
So my father in law didn't come right out and say it, but he basically told me in his underhanded way that I was a bad mother for wanting my kid to move out when she's 18. Now it's not like I want her gone because I don't like her, and it's not like I want her to go so far away that she can't visit on the weekends, but I do want her to go to college and move out. I'm also not saying that I'd force her to leave if she wanted to stick around a little longer or do something different, but if I get to choose, yes, move out, go to college, leave this little town and see a few different places, meet some different people, decide who you are without mom and dad, that kind of thing. And hopefully, if we've done our job right, she will be ready to cope and manage her life on her own, (with me cheering on the sidelines of course). I have to admit that the thought of her leaving makes me a little sick, but I hardly want her to stick around here because that's what I want.

What about you? What would you like to see your kids do after they finished high school?

UrbanMomma September 19th, 2012 12:37 PM

Re: kids moving out
I want mine to turn 18/graduate and figure out what they want to do.

I am not asking anyone to leave at 18, but once they graduate they need to a) get a job, b) go to some college or trade school, or c) join the military. There are no free rides here, I don't get one, neither do they.

If they choose to work, it will be full time, unless they are going to school also. I think they should contribute to the household if they live here, even if it is $25 a week.

Momtothe6thpower September 19th, 2012 03:33 PM

Re: kids moving out
I pretty much feel the same as you do. I'm not going to kick them out on their 18th birthday (which I don't think anyone would do) but I want them to graduate high school and then go off to college.
It doesn't seem like poor parenting to me to want that for your child.

2pinks&ablue September 19th, 2012 04:29 PM

Re: kids moving out
My kids are nowhere near that age yet, but I agree with you. I won't kick my kids out at 18 or anything, but I want them to do something with themselves. Go to school, get a job, whatever, but whether they're living at home or away from home, I expect them to be able to take responsibility (financial and otherwise) for themselves at that point.

mamato4andc September 19th, 2012 05:09 PM

Re: kids moving out
As long as they are contributing to the bills and are working, they can live here as long as they want. We are strongly encouraging them to go to college as well.

MIL2lissy8 September 19th, 2012 05:40 PM

Re: kids moving out
in hindsight, i wish i would have had this same mindset when mine were little. believe me, hanging on to them and covering their booties all the time, is not a great way to go. i have learned from my mistakes (finally) and now have a way more 'you are grown up now -- you deal with it) attitude. that also does NOT mean that i don't jump in to help once in a while but i sure don't make it my responsibility to 'have to' either.

Just_Marie September 19th, 2012 10:09 PM

Re: kids moving out
My kids are already aware that once they're done grade 12 they're off to the big city for university or college--they need to learn how to live on their own for a bit, get a good career and have some fun before getting married and having a family. At 12 or 13 they will start doing summer camps at the university I went to 5 hrs away (we will be there of course). I want them to be so thirsty to get out of my house and learn, to look forward to going to school. Of course I'm all serious and telling them it'll be hard work, but I know I had an amazing good time separating from my family, but knowing I always had their support on the other end of the phone. And lets be honest, I had a lot of fun getting my nursing degree! They are going to love it!

#5, you can always send her up here to gprc, small college where I work and know lots of people and I can find her a good place to rent (plus keep an eye on her, lol!)

UrbanMomma September 20th, 2012 05:50 AM

Re: kids moving out
Just a question, what if your child doesn't want to "go off to a big college?" Maybe they just didn't do fabulous in school or aren't interested? What if they decide a community college is what they'd like? Every kid doesn't just graduate and go off to a big four year, live on campus kinda school....

clouise September 20th, 2012 05:55 AM

Re: kids moving out
This is still a ways off for us.

My current thought though is that unless they get a lot of scholarship money I would prefer them to live at home and go to the community college for two years, then transfer on to a four year college after that. I know more people who have gone off to college, either spent their parents' money or taken out piles of loans, then not even finished. I want them to have the maturity to do well in school and make good choices when they leave home, and not all 18 year olds do.

MamaJessie September 20th, 2012 06:48 AM

Re: kids moving out
If they stay at home for college or move out is up to them. My oldest is 13 and wants to move to college because she is that kind of kid. I don't think my son will because he is a different kind of kid. i don't have a set rule for moving my only hope is if they do not go to college that they go to some sort of trade school.

#5in2005 September 20th, 2012 06:49 AM

Re: kids moving out
I'd maybe feel different about them leaving if we lived in a city, and not a small town (I think it's about 3000)

UM, I totally hear what you're saying, we let the choice of University be up to them, but mostly we just want them to do something, a year or two of college. (plus if you've got to be sure about what you want to do if you're going to go for those 4 years) For the experience and just so you've got something post secondary. I only went to college for a year, for my hairdressing, (sidenote, I did live at home). Maybe that's why I feel kinda strongly about it, all my parents expected out of me was to marry dh, and the topic of any schooling after high school was never encouraged or even brought up. That one year was all my own doing and I spent my life savings on tuition. I have no regrets at all about marrying dh at 19 (it's worked out well) but I don't want my kids to move from my house to married life.

MarieJ, I'm not so worried about my oldest out on her own (even if she does head to Olds College) but we'll talk in a few years when my #4 leaves, I will need someone to keep an eye on her.

Sidenote, my nephew that lives with us has no plans to graduate, and no plans for any college ever. :(

Momtothe6thpower September 20th, 2012 08:14 AM

Re: kids moving out
We live in such a small town that even community college is an hr or more away. I'm content with them going to which ever but I still think they should move closer to school.

mom2many2010 September 20th, 2012 09:24 AM

Re: kids moving out
What I told them when they were little and what has happened are two different things. lol

They all live at home. They don't pay rent, but they do help out. My oldest girl used to help more, but because the last 2 months have done nothing but slam her she just doesn't have it right now. she's working 16 hour days to get all the overtime she can so once she pulls herself out of the hole she is in, we will expect her to help more once she's got it all straightened out.

My next oldest (#3) went away to college and bombed it. Academic probation and can't go back this year. We want him to finish his core classes locally, then go back in 2 years to get his degree. It will save him almost $15,000 doing it that way, plus he can continue to work and save money. He's so narrow minded though and will not hear a thing we say. Honestly, the job he got working where his dad works will earn him the same amount of money he will earn with his education. Only he won't have any student loans, but of course his girlfriend is up there and we can't get through to him. if he chooses that route, he will be completely on his own. He does help around the house, and buys thing..mainly food, when it's needed.

My 18 year, has to wait until we can get another car. Of course she could try to do more on her own, but she doesn't seem to have any motivation which is starting to get on my nerves.

My husband would have them all stay home forever if he had his way. Me, I want them on their own, but not before they are ready. Once they leave it will be for good. short of something really bad, i don;t want them coming back.

Just_Marie September 20th, 2012 08:57 PM

Re: kids moving out
If my kids don't want to go to college or university then they've always got the option to go flip burgers for min wage, with my five and their lavish lifestyle, that'll keep them entertained for about six months. I worked at a nursing home as a nurses aide straight out of highschool for a year while I upgraded, let me tell you, university and a little hard work looked much better than wiping butts for min wage for the next forty years. If they choose not to go, then I guess I'll use their education funds for a house in Italy. Either way they won't be living here unless they're working and paying bills/rent--we're moving into a condo when I retire which will be when Joey starts college. We've got enough middle aged men in my immediate family still living with their mothers, the cycle is stopping here.

And they don't have to all be brain surgeons, but they need to have a goal of some sort, otherwise why bother working hard in highschool?

shari626 September 21st, 2012 04:14 AM

Re: kids moving out
This is actually happening to me right now :)

My thought process has always been, after high school, you get your degree. No exceptions. Whether it be community college, local school, or far away - you get that piece of paper - no exceptions. You will thank me later. If you want to be a ditch digger -that's fabulous - but you will get a degree first. It's never occurred to me that they might not want to go to college. LOL I will cross that bridge when I get there I guess. It's always been known that you finish high school and then it's college. I worked my a** off to put myself through college, and am back in college. My dh never went and works in construction and doesn't want that for his kids.

Kelsey went to a college that's just about an hour away - and has an amazing scholarship. Erin's on a good path to college so now I only have to worry about the boys. I wanted Kelsey to move to college because she needed to be on her own for a while. She is enjoying herself more than I thought she would. She's not really homesick at all. :)

On a side note - my mother always told me that when I was ready to move out I had better be sure. When I wanted to move out, she said she didn't have a revolving door. If it was hard, or I couldn't do it - I better have a plan B because I wasn't moving back in. The struggle is what life is all about is what she said. It's not supposed to be easy. I stayed at home until I was 22 and lived in my own little apartment until I was 23 then married dh.

#5in2005 September 21st, 2012 08:20 AM

Re: kids moving out
mom2many, who knows what will actually happen, it depends a lot of the kids and if they need a little time to get their start then so be it.

I am okay with the revolving door for a few summers. If they want to come back and work while they save for their next year of college then that's fine by me. I think though, that once you're used to being on your own it gets harder and harder to be at "home" with mom and dad.

therevslady September 21st, 2012 09:16 AM

Re: kids moving out
I am a big fan of the Bill Cosby parenting style, lol.

I regret the college choices I made and it will greatly affect my parenting choices. Both my husband and I received our undergrad from private colleges and completed our graduate work in a public university because we had already accumulated too much debt. Totally backwards. I do not use my education very often. My husband does use his, but he needs more education as well (aspires to be a pHd).

We'll encourage our kids to do internships and work in their field before spending money on an education in that field. As far as when to move out, they can live with us as long as they are contributing to the family. They can't just live here, make messes every day, and eat all of our food. To live in my house as an adult, they have to contribute to our home and family in terms of chores, finances, and errands. I would encourage them to learn to live independently (since that is ultimately my goal for my children whether they marry or not).

2pinks&ablue September 21st, 2012 11:21 AM

Re: kids moving out
Honestly, right now, and in our area, unless my kids choose to be doctors, nurses, or lawyers, they aren't going to be any further ahead going to college than if they choose something else. DH works in a mill and while its not glamorous, it's one of the highest paying jobs available in the area. My Dad os a carpenter by trade, and has never gone to trade school. If my children decide to go to college I will certainly support that, but if they don't, I'm okay with that too.

wishing September 21st, 2012 07:17 PM

Re: kids moving out
Mine are not near the age of leaving as my oldest is only 10. But if they are going to collage or University and want to stay at home I would definately allow it. School is so expensive and the RESP's I have set up will not cover all the expenses I would prefer they don`t have to come out of school with heavy debts and with my family size and own savings I don`t expect i could help too much financially so giving them a place to live is at least a way I could help them.

If they have no interest in school I would expect them to get jobs, or be doing something with their lives to contribute. However I would`t kick them out for a while, not sure what it would take to cause me to force them to leave.

Although ask me again in 8 years and see how I feel...lol.

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:27 PM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.9
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0
Copyright © 2003-2012 JustMommies.com, All Rights Reserved.