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babysam November 25th, 2012 11:41 AM

Question best posed here?
I desparately need some input, but no forum seems to be exactly the right fit....
So can you ladies help me out?

My DH and I are both getting ready to turn 36. We have two great kiddos, DS is 5 and DD is 3. I have been back and forth on whether we want a third and DH is even less sure (though I think he would be on board if I was really, really convinced). We both work full-time out of the house, and while I just can't seem to shake the desire to have another baby, I have some concerns, as well.

On the "pro" side, I love being pregnant. I feel like giving my kids another sibling is the greatest gift I could give them...And I absolutely love being a mom. It's the job I never knew I wanted and the one that I value the most....mothering those kids makes my life meaningful. I feel like I want the chance to really savor every moment of another pregnancy.

On the "con" side, we both work full-time and feel like our time and energy is already taxed. We are both pretty type-A and are not laid back enough to "go with the flow" when things turn to utter chaos. For a few years, two of the kids would need to share a room until my son is old enough to move downstairs. And my son is starting kindergarten next year and we want to send him to private school, so we'd have one in private school and two in daycare, which is a big hit financially.

I'm just wondering if you can tell me what it was like to go from 2 to 3. Was it a big adjustment? Did you feel like you could give less of yourself to your other kids? Did your desire to have a big family evolve over time or did you always know it was what you wanted? I know 3 does not constitute a big family and it's probably absurd to think that women with 7-10 kids might say, "no, don't do it" :smile:, but I'm still curious, given our circumstances, if anyone might have some advice? I posted this question over a year ago, when I was far less serious (and this forum seemed to be less active). Now we are thinking that we would start trying in the next 6 months if we decide the decision is right. Can you help me out?

Thank you all for reading my ramblings and I really look forward to hearing what you have to say.

Farmers-wife November 25th, 2012 12:17 PM

Re: Question best posed here?
I can't speak to your situation as I am not type a, wouldn't put themin day care or private school, and very much have evolved into going with the flow. So my perspective wouldn't help you at all. But I will tell you about my third child. She is amazing. Brilliant, beautiful, talented. A little bossy, but who isn't? She can do or be anything she wants. I can't imagine life without her. She is funny, witty, and can make me actually lol.

So, yeah, go for it. I will say having her, going to three, really does help you get over all that control and trying to make things perfect for them.

Counting our Blessings November 25th, 2012 12:19 PM

Re: Question best posed here?
I honestly don't remember it being tough going from 2-3 being rough. For me, it was going from 7-8...that was the toughest transitition.

But, I am home full time and homeschool, so I won't be able to comment on the "hardness" of getting them to daycare and school.

Both my hubby and I are pretty relaxed and have learned to enjoy chaos ;) So for us, the more the merrier. We are very strict on a clean house though, it keeps mama sane. But for us the number of kids is up to the Lord and so we accept whatever He gives us. I only say that because it means the decision has never been up to us. We are now expecting number 10 and live on one income and have made it.

For some, it's a lifestyle they want to be able to continue is the determining factor, so for you might play into it. If it's really important for your son to be in private school, will you still be able to do that? I understand because we won't do public school either, so for us it's homeschooling.

But, having another child/sibling is such a blessing it's hard to put a monetary value on it. But, you have to be able to be around to teach, guide and love on the child as well. So it depends on how much and long you will be working.

Hope that helps!

babysam November 25th, 2012 01:10 PM

Re: Question best posed here?
Thank you both for your responses. Just to provide some additional insight, I have a very family-friendly job. I work 8:30-4:30, never travel, don't work on weekends and can leave during the day anytime I need. So I never miss the kids' school events and frequently take the day off to prepare for a birthday party or other "family event." However, my husband and I both have school loans and it is necessary for us both to work in order to maintain the lifestyle that we want. Nothing extravagent, but without the constant pressure and stress of worrying about money. It obviously comes at a price, because in a perfect world, I would stay home. But these are the choices we made. I would never let "money" completely stand in the way of having another baby, but it's certainly one of many factors. I get that no one regrets having a child and I wouldn't either. But it's unrealistic to think that another baby wouldn't require more of us and I just want to make sure that we have that "more" to give. The problem? I don't know what "more" is. Our family with two children already seems a little chaotic to me....so is having a third no big deal or does it drastically increase the craziness. The only thing I can think to do is look to others who have been there and done that to try and get a better picture of what's going on. My DH and I don't use birth control, but it requires a little more of us to get pregnant. While I, too, think that children are blessings given to us by God, we have to do our part to help in the miracle and it wouldn't come from NTNP or NFP for us.

Rebelmommy November 25th, 2012 01:48 PM

Re: Question best posed here?
I had 3 children in 40 months and to be honest the transition was hardly noticeable :) I am not really a type A personality though and what i found is that with children, you really do have to go with the flow, because they are their own little people and will not always want to do what you want them to do..LOL

My youngest child will be 7 in 10 days and we were in a position like you, where I love being a mom and being that DH and I were getting older we thought about it and figured it was now or never and we would give it 6 months to happen and if it didn't we would take that as a sign.. we got pregnant the second month we tried :)

MIL2lissy8 November 25th, 2012 03:56 PM

Re: Question best posed here?
i did not find it difficult to go from 2 to 3....that was 28 years ago and all three were boys. so i had the baby stuff, the hand-me-down clothes and toys. i was pretty much single because my husband at the time worked nights and slept days. i stayed home with the boys and we did all right. i went on to have a surprise daughter two years later and she changed things dramatically...not because she was number 4 but because she was born sick and required a LOT of hospital/dr office time as well as constant care for the first 2+ years. all that said, i would say that you should go for it. i have no regrets about any of mine. God bless you as you decide and give you a peace about your choice.

UrbanMomma November 25th, 2012 04:19 PM

Re: Question best posed here?
I agree with FW.

My #3 is pretty amazing, stubborn, but talented and wonderful and I love him, of course we are baking #11 now, and I think all of them are pretty darn special and couldn't imagine life without them!!

~mommy~ November 25th, 2012 04:52 PM

Re: Question best posed here?
My #3 just asked me if he was born in America. I told him he was. He then asked "So I could be President some day if I wanted?" I said "Yes, you can" :wub: He is in first grade and the 2 teacher's he has had adore him and his 1st grade teacher is amazed by how well he interacts with others and what a good friend he is. I was very concerned about the transition from 2-3 I had more dc than hands, but it was fairly seamless. I have become a non type A with a lot of help? from 6dc and you really do end up going with the flow if for no other reason than to protect your sanity. Good luck with your decision.

mom2many2010 November 25th, 2012 05:43 PM

Re: Question best posed here?
Child 1-2 was the hardest for me, but they were 11 months apart. Really after that it wasn't difficult. I mean there is a bit of adjustment in the beginning, but that's really true no matter what number it is.

I also don't work but I also know of quite a few larger families were both parents work, they manage and have happy healthy children. the only thing with three is that you might need to learn to down the type A personality, not a lot but you do have to accept that sometimes it's just not going to go the way you want. If you can go in knowing that it won't always be amazing, then go for it.

No one every regrets having more kids, but people do regret not having them.

HalfDozen November 25th, 2012 05:57 PM

Re: Question best posed here?
"No one ever regrets having more kids, but people do regret not having them." Best quote ever!!

Like most others here, the transition from 2-3 wasn't that bad. Having one was a big adjustment, and it was a pretty big adjustment going from 1 to 2. After 2, I have always believed that it doesn't really matter how many after that. You will have to tone down the Type A a little, at least in my opinion.

We are on #5, and both my husband and I work full time, and he also goes to school full time currently. It is not always easy, and we hope some day that is not the case. You just have to determine what sacrifices you are willing to make, and what ones you aren't.

I work with a woman who has told me countless times since I had #4 that she wishes she would have had more. She considers herself stupid for not doing it. She only had 2, and she tells me all the time that I am smart for having more. Again, this was after #4. We'll see how everyone feels once they find out about #5. ;)

wishing November 25th, 2012 06:19 PM

Re: Question best posed here?
I went from 2-4 then to 3. Honestly the biggest transition for me so far was 1-2.

I am type A. I need to make sure they are in great daycares, great schools, how are finances going to work. I feel like I need to control every day. One thing I have learned is that I can't control everything.

Now that I am pregnant again and DH is still talking about wanting one more I do worry about money, space and time but I have faith it will all work out, I worried before each child anyway.

2pinks&ablue November 25th, 2012 09:43 PM

Re: Question best posed here?
Like the others, a lot of what applies to you doe not to me- I'm a stay at home, homeschooling mom-but I will say that none of our transitions have been unmanageable at all. I think it is definitely worth it :)

babysam November 26th, 2012 06:52 AM

Re: Question best posed here?
Thank you all for your responses and advice. I feel like if I was done, I would have been able to put it behind me.....But as much as I try to talk myself out of trying for another one (I even gave most of our baby stuff away), I always come back to wanting a third.

Rebelmommy November 26th, 2012 07:11 AM

Re: Question best posed here?

Originally Posted by babysam (Post 26803525)
Thank you all for your responses and advice. I feel like if I was done, I would have been able to put it behind me.....But as much as I try to talk myself out of trying for another one (I even gave most of our baby stuff away), I always come back to wanting a third.

From experience I can tell you that that feeling will not go away. If you don't feel "finished" or "complete" than I would say take it as a sign to go for it! Every reason you may find for not having another is manageable if you really want to have a 3rd :D

#5in2005 November 26th, 2012 07:55 AM

Re: Question best posed here?
I feel that all type A people should have more kids than they think they can handle :D it makes us nicer people.
I have with my 5th what you have considering a third. I always said I wanted 4 or 5, and figured I was done after my 4th, gave away my stuff etc. So glad I changed my mind. We never thought about having more after her, our family feels complete.

Momtothe6thpower November 26th, 2012 09:07 AM


Originally Posted by babysam
Thank you all for your responses and advice. I feel like if I was done, I would have been able to put it behind me.....But as much as I try to talk myself out of trying for another one (I even gave most of our baby stuff away), I always come back to wanting a third.

Some babies are born into our hearts before they ever reach our wombs. I think you already know your answer.

2-3 was my hardest transition but I had 3 more so it obviously wasn't that bad. ;)

babysam November 26th, 2012 09:50 AM

Re: Question best posed here?

Originally Posted by #5in2005 (Post 26803804)
I feel that all type A people should have more kids than they think they can handle :D it makes us nicer people.

I love this! My two kiddos have toned me down quite a bit, but I will completely confess to making them sit for 200 pictures while I try to get it just right. I have some work to do! :smile:

Repti.Mom November 26th, 2012 10:36 AM

Re: Question best posed here?
We have 7 and I think I'm still pretty type A. I don't schedule all their activities after school and have every minute of the day on a calendar, but if the house is dirty, and things are a little out of routine I get kinda crabby.

I wont give away my baby stuff this time. I never learned til now LOL Even the unisex baby clothing I have I'm keeping. I know clothing doesn't cost that much, but still I can't let it go.

2-3 was kinda difficult for me, I was working full time though and was even more type A than I am now. My #3 is pretty dramatic. She's the one you know will cry or pout about something before anyone else. She's also probably the one who will have the most kids herself though. She loves babies and girly stuff.

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