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mom2more March 3rd, 2013 11:15 AM

Co-ed sleepover?
This isn't a large families issue, but I figured that since you all have many children maybe you have run into this situation before and can help me handle it?

I recently found out that my 16 year old daughter was at one. She told me after. I guess the friend's mom went and picked up her daughters boyfriend and my daughters boyfriend and let them sleepover there with the girls! I am livid. This is not something my husband or I would allow. The mom didn't ask our approval.

This is a mom we have known for years. Our daughters have been friends for years. We would have never thought this would be allowed over there!

How do we handle this without destroying our daughters friendship or trust in telling us things?

Jenilope March 3rd, 2013 11:30 AM

Re: Co-ed sleepover?
I would also be livid! I don't have any experience with this, my oldest is not even 5, but I am sure that would not be ok with me.

And I'm guessing your daughter knew it would not be ok with you, too. Did you guys talk about it when she told you? Did she feel pressured to invite him since her friend was inviting her boyfriend? Did anything happen? How does she feel about it?
I totally understand wanting to make sure your daughter still trusts that she can tell you things, but I think, if I were in your shoes, my daughter would probably be punished for doing something behind my back that she knew would not be allowed. I would talk with her about it, no sense in letting that opportunity slide, and I would probably tell her that her punishment would have been much worse if you had found out about this from someone else or if she had tried to hide it from you--because you will ALWAYS eventually find out, and you want her to still talk to you about things, but she did something she knew was wrong and that has to be answered.

Then, I'd open up all over her friends' mom. And yes, I know that might be embarrassing for your daughter, but honestly, would you ever allow her to go over there again anyway, knowing the kinds of things that happen when they're being SUPERVISED? That door is now closed and locked and I would be letting that woman know how furious you are about her making that decision without contacting you, putting your daughter in that position, and, depending on the laws in your state and what happened between the kids, possibly PROCURING concerning 4 counts of statutory rape! And, although I don't want to encourage gossip, if that mother's response is anything but completely embarrassed and contrite, I would let the mothers of any other girls you know are friends with her know what goes on at their slumber parties so they can make informed decisions about what their daughters are and are not allowed to do.

I would finally also consider having you and/or your husband have a talk with the boyfriend's family--there's a chance HIS mother doesn't know what he was up to that weekend, and, if she does, she (and the boy) should know that is NOT ok with you.

Good luck with all the talking and reacting. I would be absolutely fuming, probably more so at the other mother than at my daughter, but it's definitely something that I don't think would be ok with most parents. And, even if it were ok with most parents, it's obviously not ok with you and should be addressed.

mommy2lilmen March 3rd, 2013 01:26 PM

Re: Co-ed sleepover?
Jenilope said it all but I will add in a few in my own words

My boys are under 16, well my oldest will be 16 in a couple weeks . He knows I dont allow sleepovers and he knows when he goes to a friends house I check up. Yes he isnt as open with me no more but I know all his friends parents to a point and we all do talk. However one friend I had allowed him to sleep over at , it was at a girls house. She was to be in the hosue while my son stayed in the guest house with her dad. THey were leaving at 6am and I felt best he not disturb the house here to leave to go snowboarding. I trust him that things did not happen as Sean would of needed a key to get back into her house nad the alarm would of went off to signal the door was open. So that situation I trusted. I have heard rumors about my son having coed sleepovers at friends houses to and I do not approve of it. I would never approve of it even here. If the girl was in trouble or something then perhaps BUT there would have to be a talk with her parents and what not. I would be mad that my child did not even mention till after the fact. I dont know. This is a subject I am so terrified over because I know how teenage boys are and all I have are boys. OMg makes me terrified to know he could of lied also.

What have you decided after ?

mom2many2010 March 3rd, 2013 02:50 PM

Re: Co-ed sleepover?
I didn't really read the other replies, but I would also not be happy. Something like that should have been discussed with you before hand. By your DD....who is, in my book, ultimately the most responsible, and should hold the bulk of the repercussions, and by the other parent.

If you know the other parents well enough invite mom over for some coffee and discuss with her what happened, and how you feel about it. Again, your DD holds the most responsibility here, she knew exactly how you would feel about it and chose to not tell you. The other mom is fine with it, and that is her right, but your DD should have said "no, way, my mom would kill me".

Also time to sit down with DD and very clearly spell out your expectations of her, and what will happen if she breaks those rules.

Farmers-wife March 3rd, 2013 04:01 PM

Re: Co-ed sleepover?
Yeah jenilope nailed it! I would do all of that. I think you must address the friends mom and talk to the boyfriends mom. Absolutely. No way would that be ok. I am not going to let my kids go to a sleepover now!

MIL2lissy8 March 3rd, 2013 08:36 PM

Re: Co-ed sleepover?
I totally agree with jenilope. so very glad my kids are grown. I made many bad choice with them but I can assure you that I will not be repeating those choices with my g-kids.

Just_Marie March 3rd, 2013 10:06 PM

Re: Co-ed sleepover?
Sleepovers are overrated, not required and never lead to anything good. Friendship can happen in the daylight

Repti.Mom March 4th, 2013 08:12 AM

Re: Co-ed sleepover?
Not exactly what I was expecting when I opened this post. I thought it would be about inviting a little boy over to your 8 year old's sleep over party or something.

I think Jen had the best answer too.

HalfDozen March 4th, 2013 08:34 AM

Re: Co-ed sleepover?
^Exactly! I was thinking it was little kids. Definitely NOT okay for older kids, and I would be super, super mad, not to mention I think my hubby would be after someone!!

mom2more March 4th, 2013 10:59 AM

Re: Co-ed sleepover?
Thanks everyone for responding! I have been stewing over this for days now with hubby. What we decided was to not let our daughter go to that friends house again. They can hang out here and have sleepovers here where we know they will be supervised. We are not going to punish her for telling us about this. We feel like it would have been a hard situation for her to get out of. I did have a talk with her to let her know that this is not something we would have allowed and we are very upset that it happened.

I told her that because she was honest and told me about it we are not punishing her. But that in the future we don't want her to be a part of this. If she is at a friend's house and something is going on that we would not approve of/or she knows she should not be doing (boy sleepovers, drinking, drugs, etc.) we expect her to get out of the situation. We talked about how to get out of that situation if she isn't comfortable saying that she is not okay with what is going on. Play sick or pretend we just called and she is calling us back. Whatever she needs to do to leave. We will pick her up anytime and anywhere. Because if she does something like this again there will be consequences.

As for the friend's mom we just are not going to approach her about it. Not even a year ago the friend's dad and brother were killed in a car accident. It devastated them. They have been through a lot since then. They have been in counseling and on mood medications. Prior to that I know that this type of thing would have never happened in their home. So, I just don't want to even approach this with the mom.

So we just told our daughter that we don't like the choices the mom is making for her daughter and we don't feel comfortable with her making choices for ours. So that is why we are not allowing her to go there anymore. If our daughter tells her friend and it gets back to her mom so be it. If the mom contacts me about that then I will tell her how we felt about the sleepover.

As for contacting other parents, our daughter and her are friends but they don't hang out in the same circle. So none of our daughters other friends go to that house. And our daughter and her boyfriend broke up since then, so there is no need to talk to his family now. I am pretty sure they didn't know he was sleeping there, they must have thought he was sleeping at one of his male friends homes.

#5in2005 March 4th, 2013 02:27 PM

Re: Co-ed sleepover?
I think you handled it well and very graciously.

mommy2lilmen March 4th, 2013 03:26 PM

Re: Co-ed sleepover?
You handled it well. I ended up having to not allow my son over at a particular friends cus their parents allow those sleepovers and weed. Ugh, it upset me. His dad is all for it, no wonder we are no longer together.

Counting our Blessings March 4th, 2013 05:51 PM

Re: Co-ed sleepover?
I agree with Jenilope and Marie. We don't do sleepovers or let the kids go to them.

Good for you for holding your ground.

clouise March 5th, 2013 07:19 AM

Re: Co-ed sleepover?
I think you handled it well with the circumstances that are involved. I hope your daughter takes your guidance and rules to heart.

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