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-   -   Adopting our 5th...Advice needed!! (https://www.justmommies.com/forums/f75-large-families/2668970-adopting-our-5th-advice-needed.html)

Starchaser July 30th, 2013 11:59 AM

Adopting our 5th...Advice needed!!
Hi all, Im new to this forum, but so far am really enjoying it. Its nice to have others to bounce things off of and to be understood :) Thank you so much in advance for any and all input.
Our family dilemma all started three weeks ago. A 63 year old family member, who is in a less than healthy lifestyle(drug addiction), came to us and told us that he has a infant girl(born addicted to three different drugs) just born in June. The mother is currently in a 42 day detox center via CPS, and if she makes it through will get her children back. There is also a 6 year old and a 2 year old. The social worker has told us that if she relapses, or doesn't stay clean, she loses custody of the baby, as she had previously signed an adoption agreement right after the baby was born, but then changed her mind. After much soul searching our family has decided that we would like to adopt her! It felt like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders now that I am at peace with our decision. All we were thinking of was how to help her, and how to provide the best life possible for her. It was never a question of love, we always have more than enough of that here. Just house arrangements, and finances. We were already in the process of a home addition, so all the rest fell into place and now we are excited to welcome her into our family!! My problem now is the entourage of discouragement I have been receiving from family and even my closest friends. They keep reminding me for some strange reason(like we forgot), that we already have 4 children, that there are already tonnes of people out there that are waiting to adopt...and that this wasn't our "mistake" to fix. I even had my closest friend tell me that I was selfish, and wasn't making a good decision for the baby, and that if I was really thinking of the baby I would let it be adopted by a family that "needs" it. I feel so horrible now, sad and alone!! Please offer me some advice on how to deal with this, I sincerely do not know what to say or how to handle this :( I just wish that someone would support me, and understand my decision, or at the very least accept it.... Am I seriously being selfish in this? I really don't want to lay awake every night for the rest of my life wondering what is happening to her, or if she is being treated well or is loved:(

Jenilope July 30th, 2013 01:27 PM

Re: Adopting our 5th...Advice needed!!
Wow. I'm shocked about how unsupportive people are being about this. There is no limit on the number of children you're allowed to have and not only will this baby be receiving love and a stable environment with doting parents, she'll also get siblings! There are many children in the world looking for forever homes, you don't owe it to anyone to let them have a "turn" by giving up this baby that you already love. Welcome her with open arms and a joyful heart, these naysayers don't know what they're talking about and I hope you find an effective way to shut down their negativity or avoid them because neither you, your husband, your 4 bio kids nor your new daughter need any of that! Best of luck to you!

Repti.Mom July 30th, 2013 01:59 PM

Re: Adopting our 5th...Advice needed!!
That kind of stuff pisses me off. Sure, having more than 2.5 kids, you may not be paying for all of their college tuition. They might not be wearing Gap clothing every day, or eating fast food every so often etc etc. At least the kid has rules, a home, and isn't with a crack head.

Starchaser July 30th, 2013 02:22 PM

Re: Adopting our 5th...Advice needed!!
Thank you both very much, I think all I really needed was some support, and not to feel selfish for my decision to love her. I do totally understand that there are many different families out there that are unable to have children, and my heart sincerely goes out to them. But in this particular situation I do feel like my family was chosen to be her's. That she was meant to be with us! Thank you so much, I sincerely appreciate your input and support very much(Hugs)~Dawn

*Whiskey* July 30th, 2013 02:30 PM

Re: Adopting our 5th...Advice needed!!
Wow. I can't believe the responses and the complete lack of support you have.

If you can provide the basics, ie, hygiene, food, shelter, love, discipline, it simply is not the business of anyone else. Sure they can offer their opinion and you must respond "Thank you for your opinion, I'm glad that you shared it with me." and then let it roll off your back.

I grew up in a family of 8 children. We didn't have a lot of the coolest toys or clothes, what we did have was an amazing family (with the normal ups and downs lol).

If you and your other half feel that this is right for your family then do it. End of story.

Starchaser July 30th, 2013 02:41 PM

Re: Adopting our 5th...Advice needed!!
Thank you so much! I am a firm believer that there are no coincidences, that things happen for a reason. Which is why I believe that she was meant to be with us. Every family has different dynamics, but there is no such thing as a perfect family. No matter what your family dynamics, you are persecuted...Have one child, they are said to be spoiled, have two boys you need a girl, have more than 3 you are on government assistance(sigh been called that). There is no perfect family, only a perfect family for each person! I sincerely appreciate your input very much, thank you(Hugs)~Dawn

Farmers-wife July 30th, 2013 02:43 PM

Re: Adopting our 5th...Advice needed!!
A and your 63 yo family member came to you. Not another person who can't have a child. Ignore the naysayers. You are doing a great thing.

*Whiskey* July 30th, 2013 02:44 PM

Re: Adopting our 5th...Advice needed!!
You're right, no matter what you do - in someone's opinion you're wrong.

Best thing you can do is what is right for you and your family.

Starchaser July 30th, 2013 02:45 PM

Re: Adopting our 5th...Advice needed!!
Thank you so much, the support here brings tears to my eyes(Hugs)~Dawn

UrbanMomma July 30th, 2013 05:40 PM

Re: Adopting our 5th...Advice needed!!
Screw the negative people. You don't owe anyone else a chance at the baby because you already have children. How can it be selfish to offer a child in need a home and love? Do what you feel you are led to do!! Sounds awesome to me! ((((hugs))))

Iluvmybabies* July 30th, 2013 08:53 PM

Re: Adopting our 5th...Advice needed!!
It's just sad people say the things they do or that they feel the right to say anything for that matter!

I also believe everything happens for a reason your family was chosen to be her family!!!!!

Starchaser July 30th, 2013 09:29 PM

Re: Adopting our 5th...Advice needed!!
Thank you very much, I totally agree(Hugs)~Dawn

mamato4andc July 31st, 2013 10:37 PM

Re: Adopting our 5th...Advice needed!!
I agree with everyone else. I just don't understand how people can think adopting is wrong?????? We are pregnant with our 5th but have told people since before I was pregnant with #4 that we feel God calling us to adopt. Well after announcing this pregnancy they say, "Oh so you decided to have your own instead?" Well first of all, our adopted child will be our own and second of all, God wants us to adopt it doesn't matter how many I birth. I've also had people tell me there's no reason for me to adopt when I can have my own.

Starchaser August 1st, 2013 07:22 AM

Re: Adopting our 5th...Advice needed!!
I agree wholeheartedly. I am very blessed in my life, and thank God everyday for each gift I've been given and trusted with. I don't take such gifts lightly. I feel very fortunate to have been called on for this little soul, and intend to nurture and shape this little person using all the love and happiness together our family possesses. Each member contributes to making this a family, without one our whole system would fail. Some members may get chosen by heart and not by blood, thats just the way it is. I have never been the type of person that could live my life within the socially acceptable box of 2.5 kids, white picket fence,etc. I live my life ruled only by my soul/heart and filling them both daily... I will admit there at times it can be total chaos here, extremely mindblowingly loud, and there can even be some knockdown brawls that could make the UFC envious, but I wouldn't change a thing, I LOVE IT!! Lol. I was meant to have the family I do, no question about it:) I shouldn't have to answer for any of my decisions to anyone who doesn't help me live with them. I admit the day I wrote this post I was quite discouraged. I hadn't realized that I would be on trial with some of my closest and dearest friends/family for trying to help an innocent little darling have a chance at a great life. To be called selfish for wanting to do that was shattering to me!! I felt so alone and low, I hesitated several times before I even wrote it feeling so overwhelmed and even shameful, and the encouragement I got here I will never, ever forget. It helped me so much more than anyone could know, and that kind of kindness to ultimately a stranger I will always hold dear to m heart. I am happy t report that I have picked myself back up and dusted myself off again ready for the next storm that I must face. Thank you all so much!

Counting our Blessings August 1st, 2013 12:30 PM

Re: Adopting our 5th...Advice needed!!
Congratulations of your little girl!! Your family will be so blessed to have her :smile:

Starchaser August 1st, 2013 02:18 PM

Re: Adopting our 5th...Advice needed!!
Thank you so much(Hugs)

Starchaser August 16th, 2013 08:31 PM

Re: Adopting our 5th...Advice needed!!
***Sorry In Advance Major Venting Ahead!!!Please feel free to skip this, I just seriously needed to get it out today, I apologize if I offend anyone as it is not my intentions at all***
This week has proven to be a total bust. We ended up in cps office monday morning, as bm left detox on friday(not suposed to be out until the 30th in a mandatory 42 day program) The placement she had chosen to leave her 4 1/2 year old dd and her 18 month old ds turned out to be the worst possible place to have the little darlings(imagine the worst case scenario happened :( ).
Long story short, the social worker that has been handling this case is on vacation and wont be back until the 28th, so we have been dealing with another social worker who isnt really fully involved or completely up on the case. The story we have been given is that the bm, upon hearing what happened with the dd at the placement, left detox and went and got the 3 kids back( including baby-my niece)on Friday. Cps showed up early Saturday morning to make sure she was clean when she openly admitted she would test positive for drugs because she has taken oxicontin, so cps took the kids yet again! No thinking about her little dd's well being like a mother should be doing, she just decides to take some more drugs and have dd taken away and placed with strangers again...makes me so sad and angry!! Then when we thought that they would finally do something for the childrens sake now, given the series of events including her leaving a mandatory detox center, they tell us they are going to try to encourage her to get some help for herself and give her some time to figure ut if she wants to keep the children and sober up..and that she could potentially maintain her parental rights(via social services) for the next 15 months unless a judge decides otherwise. So all three children may potentially sit in foster homes, or being bounced around in the system until either she finally cleans up or a judge determined she is unfit! The maximum time the social worker has seen this happen is 15 months... SIGH!!! I am seriously hoping that the original social worker has some different more positive news when she comes back, because it breaks my heart to see 3 little children suffer this way. Unfortunately I dont get any say in what happens with her first two little ones(wish I did because I would take them too), but the third one is my niece, so you can bet Im going to do everything I can to help ensure she gets a loving and stable home with a family that she deserves! Its just soooo incredibly discouraging when it feels like we are fighting city hall to help this innocent little baby have a chance...why do these drug addicted individuals get all the breaks and chances it seems :( :mad: I feel so defeated, helpless and sad to my core.

***Sorry my original post states that her older children were 6 and 4, but only recently have their true ages been revealed to us as 4 1/2 and 18 months. So I apologize for any confusion

Babymakes8 August 17th, 2013 06:41 AM

Re: Adopting our 5th...Advice needed!!
Is there any way possible you can get a home check done and YOU apply to foster the kids for the next 15 months?! That way 1) they are all 3 together - which I believe is important for siblings but understand it's not always possible and 2) foster parents typically get first option to adopt the children if no other family members step forward willing to adopt.

Also, tell those negative people in your life THEY are the selfish ones. CPS typically TRIES to place children with family members, be it other parent, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc. If none of them are willing to open their hearts and homes to a child that is BLOOD then they need to shut their fat yaps.

Farmers-wife August 17th, 2013 07:24 AM

Re: Adopting our 5th...Advice needed!!
Shut their fat yaps! I am totally going to start saying that!

I agree that you should involve yourself with cps and try to get all three. It will be work! But it will be worth it. We have a similar thing going on here with someone in our homeschool group. Drugs, another toddler, a baby. It is so sad.

Crack is whack.

*Whiskey* August 17th, 2013 01:04 PM

Re: Adopting our 5th...Advice needed!!
I agree, you should find out if you can get the home check done and be the foster. I sure hope you can! I'll be praying for you and those three babies!

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