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-   -   I find this highly offensive! (https://www.justmommies.com/forums/f257-natural-childbirth/2663840-i-find-highly-offensive.html)

daneeleigh July 5th, 2013 10:03 PM

I find this highly offensive!
I feel everyone should have the birth they choose to have or want, but really? And I'm even more pissed because this attacks a member of our board that they don't even know.


UrbanMomma July 6th, 2013 06:51 AM

Re: I find this highly offensive!
I read most of it too, and found it to be judgmental. I never found that particular member to be judgmental in her postings, or in her specific birthing post. I thought it to be her individual opinion on her individual birth.

There seems to be a lot of people who have issues with those who choose to have natural (and I mean unmedicated, vaginal births).

I personally don't have enough time to care how anyone else gives birth. To each their own. Ya like drugs, get 'em. Hospital, birth center, home, middle of a mountain stream.......your birth, not mine.

ChicaChels July 6th, 2013 11:14 AM

Re: I find this highly offensive!
i find it pretty offensive, too...i was induced with my first for HELLP disease...i had cytotec (yeah, i know, but i felt it was the lesser of the two evils that day), magnesium, and pitocin..but i didn't have any pain medication at all...i often refer to that birth as "pain medication free" because "natural" and "unmedicated" don't seem to fit the bill, but im pretty proud of that...i worked my butt off. i think she just has some issues ;)

alittlelost July 6th, 2013 11:44 AM

Re: I find this highly offensive!
That post was about me. I feel really bad if she thinks I was being snobbish. But the most hurtfulk comment was the lady who said that she is glad when people who feel strongly about natural childbirth end up having a hospital birth. Why would anyone be happy (because of MY feelings of childbirth) that my child (who has no opinion on childbirth) ended up having to be born at 33 weeks? I mean, she probably didn't mean me, I don't know, but I wouldn't wish a medical intervention birth on ANYONE. Yes, I'm passionate about natural childbirth. But that's only MORE SO now. I would rather read natural childbirth stories, too. They are more exciting to me. I am extremely bummed I missed out this time on having my own. That doesn't mean I'm judgmental, though. If someone doesn't want a natural childbirth, then don't have one! To each their own. But my birth was not, to me, natural. And since it was my birth, I think it's okay for me to say it wasn't natural to me. I'm still dealing with a lot of feelings about it all. And it's more than "disappointment". I'm angry with my body and angry with myself.

To be honest, I feel there's a lot more snobbery TOWARD natural childbirthers than the other way around... a lot of being diminutive toward what they have done and painting them to be bad guys/judgmental/etc, simply because they have a different birth preference and are proud of their accomplishments. Just because we are proud of our natural childbirths doesn't mean we are saying other people can't be proud of their births. Whether it hurts or not.

ChicaChels July 6th, 2013 11:48 AM

Re: I find this highly offensive!

UrbanMomma July 6th, 2013 12:18 PM

Re: I find this highly offensive!
(((hugs))) to you too Lost.

I understand being disappointed in a birth. Birth is personal, and when it doesn't go how you imagine it can be a little sad.

GranolaMamaOf3 July 6th, 2013 12:30 PM

Re: I find this highly offensive!
This is so sad. All of it! She knew nothing of what actually happened, and she is pointing fingers and mocking someone who was just looking for comfort and support among friends who would understand. How low can you get?

Dear woman, if you are reading this, please take into consideration that the original post was made in the NATURAL CHILDBIRTH board for a reason. Because she was sad about *her* birth experience, and knew she wouldn't be heard on other boards. Ridiculing a newly pp mama who is dealing with not only normal pp hormones but also a very premature baby and health complications of her own is just wrong, on every level! No one was pointing fingers at you, so please, if you can't say anything nice...

I have so much more I want to say...

daneeleigh July 6th, 2013 12:45 PM

Re: I find this highly offensive!
Lost, that made me mad too. Why would someone feel vindicated that another woman didn't get her ideal birth? I just find that flabbergasting that women can think that way or be so mean. I've read your birth story and its definitely not snobbish. You express your opinion of your birth! You're allowed to define it however you want to! These women should pick on someone else.

GranolaMamaOf3 July 6th, 2013 12:50 PM

Re: I find this highly offensive!

alittlelost July 6th, 2013 12:51 PM

Re: I find this highly offensive!
I don't think the OP meant any harm, I want to say that. I think maybe she misunderstood something here and some people maybe misunderstood what she was saying there. There were some comments though, by other people . . . but maybe I was misunderstanding them. Who knows.

The whole thing is SO crappy. I lost faith in my body. I'm angry at my body. It was my last birth so I have ZERO chance of another natural birth. I can't help but compare it to the birth of my youngest son, which was amazing by comparison. It makes it hard for me to hear people planning to have the birth I was trying to avoid--why couldn't they have my birth and I have the one I wanted? (I'm not judging them; I want them to have the birth THEY want, but emotionally, I just hate that they COULD have the birth I wanted and they are throwing that away--again, this is my emotion; logically/mentally, I want them to have the birth THEY want).

Then add to that I'm having breastfeeding problems (and tons of pumping problems) and I'm worried about my baby's future, developmentally. I didn't get to see her at all yesterday due to new admission happening at the time we were able to go in and then we didn't have a sitter after that and the NICU rules suck and they said she'd be there 2-3 weeks and she's 3 weeks old and they said she will be there another 2-3 weeks now. It's discouraging.


Originally Posted by GranolaMama (Post 27501128)
---deleting this since the original was deleted, but leaving my response for the poster to read!---

this is how I feel. I'm glad the hospital was there when I *needed* it, but I HATE hospitals. I hate IVs. I have epidurals. I hate medications. I hate it all. And I would not chose this for me or my baby. But, that doesn't mean I'm not grateful. I am. I'm so glad for modern medicine to be there for those who need it, or heck, even those who want it. But I'll never be one of those people who want it. I know the doctors all had this "bet you're glad for the hospital now" attitude, but it's misplaced. I've always been glad for the hospital. I just don't want to use it when I don't need it. That hasn't changed. If anything, I feel more strongly about it.

GranolaMamaOf3 July 6th, 2013 12:57 PM

Re: I find this highly offensive!
Oh mama, please don't take any of her words personally. :dothug: We understand what you meant! I hope you are holding your sweet baby girl in your arms at home soon!

MissusF July 6th, 2013 03:32 PM

Re: I find this highly offensive!
I am offended too :( I know the person who started that topic. She used to be in my Feb '12 playroom but she is not active there anymore. I've always known her to be a nice person so I'm surprised to see this coming from her. I think it's incredibly condescending for her to say that she had such a horrible experience giving birth to her first child that she got PTSD and then rip another woman apart for admitting that she had a traumatic birth experience.

(((hugs))) Lost. I'm sorry you had to see this on top of what you've already been through.

alittlelost July 6th, 2013 04:20 PM

Re: I find this highly offensive!
I really think she just came across wrong. She's been very sweet to me. At any rate, I just don't want this to turn into drama toward or around anyone. I'm not offended by anyone, not here or there, so no worries on my end. I just hope others can have the birth they want and I hope anyone who is pregnant will explore all their options AND I especially hope people who read my birth story will be inspired to trust their bodies and their instincts--both for realizing something is wrong as well as during birth.

Lucy S. July 6th, 2013 05:33 PM

Re: I find this highly offensive!
Sorry for lurking around but i saw this on new posts and HAD to say something!

I found this the most ironic thing ever:

Some women just love drama and will stir it up at any given opportunity.
And that is ALL I think that thread did- Stir up DRAMA and bash people- who feel differently. EXACTLY what they complained about!

Oh and if they read this, I HAD 2 c/s so before you think I am one of "those crazy women" >quoted from the OP< ! Personally I found many women in that thread, including the OP, insecure in their own choices and battling that.

**back into lurkdom**
I hope it gets locked!

ashj_1218 July 6th, 2013 08:12 PM

Re: I find this highly offensive!
Hmmm. Iz just confuzed! Lol.

I saw your "not a natural childbirth" post as a post looking for support for YOUR feelings about YOUR birth, not a judgement on anyone else for their form of birthing. And responded as such. I didn't see anyone on that thread getting judgey on what is or isn't a natural birth.

I would be one to talk anyway. I have had progressively more invasive births, my last two would not be considered "natural" by what I have always known the word to mean (med, intervention free). But I am actually MORE proud of how I contorted myself when the circumstances weren't ideal. But that's ME! I make no judgements on how someone else's birth goes. Or how they choose to handle it.

But I think some of the latter comments were highly offensive. I wish all women could get the birth they desire...be it a c-section, a v-bac, a home birth, or anything in between. And wishing someone a birth that is not what they want it to be simply to "knock them down a judgement peg" is just uncalled for.

It seems all is getting worked out. I am glad all involved are clearing the air. But I see why the post took some folks to the defensive. Especially some of the comments.

Memi July 7th, 2013 11:34 AM

Lost- Great big hugs to you Momma!!! I had zero control of my first birth and ended up with a c section. I had an awful recovery which resulted in some PPD, BFing and supply issues/failure. I had a really hard time recovering emotionally from that experience so i hate to hear when others have to sort thru that as well.

Funny thing is when pregnant with my first I thought NCB was insane and wanted all the drugs in the world. But after having to cope with how things turned out I knew I wanted a VBAC and NCB. Id be a complete hypocrite to judge others for wanting what I once wanted. But ive been there, done that and dont care to experience it again. That doesnt make me judgemental--ive learned from my experiences what birth and recovery experience I prefer for myself. Period! If someone feels judged simply from someone having or wanting a natural birth then seems like theyre dealing with their own insecurities. The whole post seemed like misplaced anger.

alittlelost July 7th, 2013 04:26 PM

Re: I find this highly offensive!
Memi, CONGRATS on your VBAC NCB!! That's SO awesome! I'm so glad you got to have that experience. I get it's not for everyone, but I can relate to preferring a NCB to other birthing experiences <3 <3 <3 I'm glad I got to have at least one natural out of hospital birth. It was by far my best experience and one I will always cherish. It makes me really glad to hear when others have gotten to have a great NCB experience too.

daneeleigh July 7th, 2013 05:41 PM

Re: I find this highly offensive!
I'm glad she wasn't attacking you and I didn't see the post she was commenting about. But some of the responses are just mean towards NCB. I always have this fear that if I don't get my natural child birth people will point and laugh at me basically. It's self conscious on my part but its still a concern. Anything can change in labor and all we can do is prepare for all options but hope for the best.

ashj_1218 July 7th, 2013 08:19 PM

Re: I find this highly offensive!
^^No one has any right to point and laugh at you, no matter your wishes or the outcome. The thing is that we don't have near as much control over it as we think. We can prepare for the various things that might come down our path, we can make educated decisions about what we want for ourselves. We can decide what might be best for us emotionally. But in the end...baby and our bodies are in the drivers seat. Sometimes stuff happens. And anyone who has an opinion on your birth is far overstepping their bounds.

alittlelost July 8th, 2013 06:47 AM

Well said! Yes I don't agree with the negativity toward Ncb. And you ladie have been So nice and So supportive. I never understand when people get happy that a Ncb mom doesn't get her Ncb. It's pretty messed up to think that way. But don't let people like that get to you. They are clearly the one with a problem. But I always hope for the Ncb mamas to prove those people wrong! Because it means they will get the birth they want and that's what I want :)

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