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-   -   What should I have said (if anything?) (https://www.justmommies.com/forums/f133-pregnancy-and-motherhood-after-loss/133657-what-should-i-have-said-if-anything.html)

Kaz January 15th, 2006 02:19 AM

I was talking with my fiance's mom a few days after we had told them that we were expecting. Maybe I just took this the wrong way...I am trying so hard to be possitive, but this just threw me off guard.

She says "I was talking with my daughter and we agreed that we should wait at least until you are at least seven months before we plan your baby shower, since the baby can still survive if anything should happen after that point."

Am I just taking this the wrong way? I did not respond because I honestly did not know what to say. Or maybe I am just too sensitive....

Thanks in advance,


LeedaRenee January 15th, 2006 06:57 AM

First of all, she's wrong about how early the baby can survive, it's six months, or 24 weeks.

Second of all, I think she has no business on making decisions on when you should have a baby shower. I also think that is totally the wrong and depressing thing to say to a woman who has suffered a loss, almost suggesting that something else will go wrong.

So, no, I dont think you're being sensitive. Sorry she upset you.

soontobemommyto3 January 15th, 2006 10:15 AM

actually she is wrong completely because a baby can die at term!

I wouldn't take it too seriously though. She probably means well and didn't mean to offend you though.

Most people don't have their showers until 7 or 8 months anyway so try not to feel too bad about it.

Kaz January 15th, 2006 03:05 PM

Thanks....It just really gets to me though. Her daughter just had a baby this past August. It was her first pregnancy. If anyone would have said that to her daughter...we would never hear the end of it. But since I have a history, well then it is o.k. to say. I was hoping to have a shower closer to my due date anyway, but the part that bothers me is how it was said. It made me feel like something was wrong with me, or I am broken or something...

I did not meet her son until after my 2nd m/c, so she did not know me when I was going through any of this. I had a very hard time with the first one. I would rather not go into the details, but suffice it to say I will never go to that hospital again for anything. I still have nightmares to this day about that experience.

Maybe she is trying to protect herself, in case anything happens...I don't know. She tends to say a lot of things without thinking though...think of Marie from "Everybody Loves Raymond" that is her to a T! (Even according to her own family, they kid her about it...)

I was so upset the one w/e we were visiting because we got in an argument (about me wanting to try cloth diapers, of all things) I think that she just likes the drama. I just need to figure out a way to not be the recepient of it, I guess.


soontobemommyto3 January 15th, 2006 04:43 PM

Yeah, I'd be mad too, given that she wasn't around for your other losses. I can see how you'd be upset. Is there anyone else who can throw the shower for you?

This is my 3rd so there wouldn't be a shower for me anyway, but I am not buying anything for baby until after he/she is born. DH can go get diapers and sleepers while I'm in the hospital. I had to return things after I lost Cassie and that was too hard. I'm sure you had to do that too with your first loss.

I wish you lots of sticky dust for this little one..

Rina42308 January 15th, 2006 04:45 PM

Oh Kaz, i am sorry she said something so insensitive to you...I understand what you eman about people who would react so offended if someone said that to them or about their daughter but yet they think nothing of speaking so off the cuff to other people...it was just an unneccessary comment.. if she wanted to know YOUR feelings about it and truely wasn't so self indulged I think she would have asked, "So kaz when would you like to have your shower because my daughter and I are looking forward to throwing it for you"...
This sounds like one of those times where although the words can sting we have to realize that insensitive comments say more about the person giving them then they do about you.

Blessings B January 16th, 2006 05:27 AM

Wow, that is so insensitive. I am so sorry that she even said that. Maybe from your past experiences with her just be the nod and grin appropriately DIL. Who needs that crap in their life. B

hopin4a4rth January 16th, 2006 06:35 AM

Yah, I think she was insensitive to say that too. (((hugs))) i probably wouldn't have said anything because I don't like confrontation, but I definitely would have been hurt too.

iamkc January 16th, 2006 09:59 AM

I probably wouldn't have said anything, either...I'm also not one for confrontation. And even though I'm sure that she didn't mean anything by what she said, it doesn't excuse her saying it. Would you feel comfortable bringing it up to her? I know that it might not do any good, but it also might be worth getting it out there so that she doesn't keep saying things like that throughout your pregnancy. One slip is one thing, but if she keeps doing it, you'll just feel backed into a corner by her eventually.

I hope that you don't let this ruin your experience. You deserve to be happy about your pregnancy! Need someone to come "take care of her?" Hehe.

Kaz January 16th, 2006 03:43 PM

Lol...Iamkc! As nice as that would be...

I met my bf not too long after my m/c. Took me 4 mos to even go on a date with him. But it was about 5 mos after that before I met his mom.

She is very controlling and always right. If everyone in the world would listen to her, the world would be perfect! (Note the sarcasm!)

About 2 years ago I was sent to Puerto Rico for my 2 weeks with my guard unit. My "Dad" (really my mom's dad, he adopted me when I was 4) had a heart attack while I was there and was in the hospital. (He was 93 years old at the time) I was placed on notification by the red cross. Basicly if things got any worse I was on the next flight out. They had him stabilized and I came back the day before Mothers Day, early in the evening. My BF picked me up, we went and got a gift and flowers for his mom, stopped by their house (with my luggage still in the truck, still in my uniform) dropped off her gift and went to the hospital to see my dad.

Wouldn't you know, she gave us both grief for a long time about this, because we were not with her for Mothers day! I have spent every, and I do mean every holiday with their family since I have met her. Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, Mothers Day, Fathers Day, July 4th, even my birthday! (Oh wait, the 1st New Years eve we actually went to a party...)

*sigh* We were supposed to leave the house early tonight to stop byhis mom and dads, but I "forgot" to wake him up and am instead hanging out here! I will own up to this one with the bf when I wake him up, but I just don't feel like seeing her right now.


P.S. Dad is fine btw, but it was awful close for a while and he did not start improving until the day after I got there...the Drs even said they thought he was waiting for his cheerleader. He is now 95 and in a nursing home, but doing great and flirting with all of the nurses...they call him Hugh Heffner!

Rina42308 January 16th, 2006 04:55 PM

Your dad sounds cute! you gotta love a 95 year old with spunk!

your b/f's mom sounds like a handful...what is it with mom's and their son's??...please God if I have a boy remind me not to be a b$%ch like the majority of boy's mom's I have met ;)

Good for you for staying away from her today...you need to take care of you right now. Stay strong!

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