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-   -   I feel bad but... (https://www.justmommies.com/forums/f133-pregnancy-and-motherhood-after-loss/2605822-i-feel-bad-but.html)

EverydayJoy December 15th, 2012 03:53 PM

I feel bad but...
...I'm not exactly thrilled to be having a boy. I really wanted a girl this time around, for several reasons. One is that I felt like my angel baby (though it was too early to tell) might have been a girl, second is I have always wanted girls anyway, and third is that with my heart issues there's a possibility we might not have any more children. So to me it was really important that this one be a girl...only it's a boy! I feel bad because I don't want to feel disappointed about a healthy, beautiful baby. This baby was supposed to be my calm after the storm, spring after the dead of winter. And so it sucks to feel like I'm not excited about the baby. If it was a girl I know I'd be pulling out my pink yarn and looking at patterns. And with it being a boy, I just feel like, I've done all this before (meaning the boy colors, etc) and it's not really that exciting. I know this baby will be special and eventually I'll bond with it. But it sucks to know the gender yet not be excited to buy boy clothes. At least we have lots of boy clothes from DS still...that's what I keep telling myself, anyway.

Has anyone been able to relate to that in the past? I think a lot of it is wrapped up in somehow thinking my angel baby (Little Bud) was going to come back to me somehow, or that I'd get to experience all the things I felt had died with her. All the things I'd been hoping for with her before she died. And now it's like I'm mourning her again. I knew logically from the beginning of this pregnancy that she was dead, and wouldn't be coming back to me. But maybe my heart got away from my brain, and somehow the thought of having a little girl in her place was comforting. A boy changes everything...I never imagined myself with 2 boys. And then if we can't have any more children...that to me would be a huge, huge letdown. My sister was going to have the boys in the family and I was going to have the girls. She has 2 boys and a girl. If I can't even have one girl I feel I'm going to be really sad for a long time about it. I have all these things I want to do with a girl and teach her and so on. A lot of them I can pass on to a boy, such as music and art and even cooking. But I'm not sure knitting and sewing would be that appropriate for teaching two boys. I guess it's like I want a part of me to carry on and I feel that my boys wouldn't do that like a girl would.

Anyway sorry to go on so much but I guess it's really more important than I thought it was.

bcogoli December 15th, 2012 04:15 PM

Re: I feel bad but...
I can kinda relate. This pregnancy was originaly twins and i feel like we were going to have one boy and one girl. Now that we lost one im nervous about finding out the sex because i dont want to know wich one we lost. I think if you give it time you will get excited about having a boy. Give yourself time to mourn loosing your girl again. Im sure i will have some of the same feelings when i find out the sex of this baby.

Belita December 15th, 2012 04:20 PM

Re: I feel bad but...
I can sympathize. I feel like my Gabriel is a boy and got a boy, but if you remember, I took it hard when I also realized in my heart that Sean is not my Gabriel coming back to me. That was a difficult adjustment to make and I'm not having the idea of possibly not having any more children hanging over my head. I can imagine that makes it just a little more difficult. I'm sure you'll come around to being excited and I know you still love this little boy. It just might take a little longer this time. :bighug:

stargatemommy December 15th, 2012 04:24 PM

Re: I feel bad but...
I can relate. Sort of. All of my lost babies that we know the sex of (mostly through genetic testing) were girls. It bums me out a little bit to think that even if I wanted to keep trying, I may never get a girl.

EverydayJoy December 15th, 2012 05:02 PM

Re: I feel bad but...
Thanks for understanding, ladies.
bgocoli--I have a girl friend that lost a twin boy in utero, I know it was hard for her to only be able to take home one.
Robyn, I remember that. I'm guessing it's kinda the same thing for me.
Erica--that is really hard to take I bet!

momof8lopez December 15th, 2012 08:22 PM

Re: I feel bad but...
I can relate. I had 3 boys before I had a girl. I felt I just had to have that fourth to get my girl. My heart broke when I found out number 2 was a boy and I cried for days when number 3 was a boy. My wanting a girl had to do with never having a mother myself and wanting to give a "little girl" the life I had always dreamed of (a loving mother).

As for my loss's, I only had one confirmed to be a girl, after I had mourned what I thought was a boy for weeks......I was actually more upset when I found out she was girl. Felt like I was mourning all over again for a different baby.

Having 2 rainbow baby's later, both girls, did not take away my feelings of having that "boy" that I thought I had lost (before I found out he was a she.) Finally, my third rainbow baby, a boy, has brought closure to my heart. Like he was my angel boy returned to me....so, yes, I get it. Im sorry for your greiving now. I do know you will love him to pieces, probably more than you ever thought possible, but that does not take the hurt away for the present time. I hope you start to feel excitement soon, and get to enjoy all you have worked for so long.

EverydayJoy December 15th, 2012 09:13 PM

Re: I feel bad but...
Lori, thanks for understanding! And for your perspective.

melissalaw December 17th, 2012 07:07 AM

Re: I feel bad but...
With the baby I lost we did some testing and found out that the baby was a girl so for me when I found out Jacob was a boy, I was a little bit disappointed but that disappointed didn't last long and I'm guessing that yours won't either. Now that he is here I wouldn't have it any other way. Sorry you are feeling this way. I think most women who don't get the gender they were hoping for go through a bit of gender disappointment but just try to focus on the fact that you are having a healthy baby and once you are holding that sweet baby boy I'm sure you will fall in love instantly.

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