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-   -   question for those with rainbow babies (https://www.justmommies.com/forums/f133-pregnancy-and-motherhood-after-loss/2636221-question-for-those-rainbow-babies.html)

bcogoli March 20th, 2013 07:09 AM

question for those with rainbow babies
A little back story, im 30 weeks pregnant with baby #3. I had 1 loss, then 2 babies, 1 loss, then this pregnancy where we lost the twin at 9 weeks.
Im so excited to have made it this far despite having contractions off and on and some other issues. We set up the nursery and re did the kids room. I have everything we need for this little girl and yet i cant imagine ever having her. I look at all her little clothes and i cant picture her ever wearing them. I have thought about how i would explain her death to my kids and i have even said during prayers " God i understand if you want her back". I feel like an awful mother for thinking these things. Have any of you had these feelings this late in a pregnancy? I feel like by now i should feel better about her not worse.

melissalaw March 20th, 2013 07:55 AM

Re: question for those with rainbow babies
I worried about Jacob until the moment I was holding him after delivery and I still worry about him. I think after a loss you will worry about losing your child until that baby is born safely. I love JM but I think for me anyway it has brought alot of loss to my attention and caused me to worry even more. There are so many women on this site who have suffered losses that no woman should ever have to experience. I think what you are feeling is normal. Hopefully the next 10 weeks will fly by and you will be holding your sweet baby girl before you know it.

Just for a point of reference with my first child I had not suffered a loss and the thought never crossed my mind that I would lose him before he was born. I miss those days when I was full of blissful ignorance.

EverydayJoy March 20th, 2013 10:29 AM

Re: question for those with rainbow babies
((Hugs)) Beth, I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I can't say that it's like that for me, but then I only had one loss, prior to the 2nd trimester, and you've had 3 losses now. I would think it would be absolutely normal to feel like you are when you've had to face that kind of grief that many times. Also, I think in our DDC there have been two or three stories the ladies have posted about stillbirths in family members or another DDC. That's enough to make anyone nervous, but to someone who has lost babies in the past, it can really shake your belief that your baby will make it.
Don't feel like a bad mother...like I've heard it said here in PMAL before, you have all the rest of your baby girl's lifetime to bond with her, so even if you don't feel you can really embrace her life at this point, once she is in your arms you can allow yourself to feel that bond and that love. Your body is still lovingly nourishing her, even if your emotions aren't quite where you want them to be.

bcogoli March 20th, 2013 10:58 AM

Re: question for those with rainbow babies
Thank you both so much. I think it just took awhile for everything to hit me. We set up the nursery and i did fine with that. But now that my due date is getting closer and my babies usually come early, i just feel so detached from her and so undeserving of her. I do hope that once i hold her i will feel more connected.

L-SBB March 20th, 2013 12:10 PM

Re: question for those with rainbow babies
It's so normal (sadly), I had Savannah after a loss and panicked every day until she was born that something would happen...bought almost nothing until I was 8-9 months along, so fearful of what might happen. My anxiety with this pregnancy is even worse...try to take things day by day, I'm sorry we can't all be blissfully happy & ignorant of the worst case scenario ((((hugs)))

momof8lopez March 20th, 2013 01:12 PM

Re: question for those with rainbow babies
My fear of still birth has always been greater than my fear of early m/c. I figured I always move past my early loss's, but fear of how I would ever move past a still birth, is something I cant picture. We always fear for our babys, while they are in us and even more so when they are born. Your little girl will be here before you know it, and I pray for her birth to be an absolute beautiful experience.

lindsey2000k March 20th, 2013 06:16 PM

Re: question for those with rainbow babies
Yes I did and still do. Bryson is 10 months old now and I still find myself laying my hand on his chest to feel for a breath or his heart beating.

Happy Song March 20th, 2013 11:10 PM

Re: question for those with rainbow babies
I had two babies, then three rapid fire early losses, then two more babies. Once I was past my early loss dates I relaxed, I did not worry once about my baby, even as they couldn't find his heart beat with a Doppler. The shock was horrific.

I think you are perfectly normal and natural to insulate yourself from that kind of pain.

missy123 March 21st, 2013 09:35 AM

Re: question for those with rainbow babies
As I walked out the door to go to the hospital to have Scarlett I took a quick belly picture, looked around my bedroom and said to myself "I hope that the boys and my husband throw all this baby stuff away before I get home if something bad happens"... I never thought negative like this ever in my life. There were times up until she was about 6 months old when I would wake up frightened and sweating fearing that she was gone. Loss really changes us in ways we never expected. (((hugs))) What you are going through I felt as well.

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