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-   -   OT - DH Rant. Feeling hurt and betrayed. (https://www.justmommies.com/forums/f133-pregnancy-and-motherhood-after-loss/2696391-ot-dh-rant-feeling-hurt-and-betrayed.html)

lelila December 5th, 2013 07:40 AM

OT - DH Rant. Feeling hurt and betrayed.
First let me say that DH is a good man. Now that I got the good part out of the way, please allow me me to vent.

As many of you know we homestead as much as possible and I have alot to do on top of a part time job (which is full time about 5 mos of the year). My chores are becoming more difficult as I get bigger. DH has taken on some of those responsibilities. The past week or so I've been experiencing alot of BH contractions and I'm worrying. I don't like to be too vocal about it, but DH can see me holding my belly, breathing heavy and sitting down in the middle of a task to rest.

Last night I was resting on the couch and he asked me point blank when or if we were ever going to "do it" again. Because he "Can't hold out forever you know". I said right now I'm alittle afraid of having my uterus contract because of all the BH I'm having. I told him I understood it's been a while (I go to bed usually an hour or more before him) and I was willing to compromise but I was afraid right now.

He went off on me. He said if I really was afraid I'd call the OB, but I was just stalling. He then started complaining that he is doing ALL MY CHORES. He said "Last night you sat on your FAT ***** while I watered the Christmas Tree, closed up the chicken coop AND took care of the wood stove.". Then he threatened me saying "If I don't get something soon, I'm might to have to look somewhere else." I was genuinely hurt and I truly didn't know what to say. I got up a few minutes later, leaving a kitchen full of dirty dishes, pots and pans, turkey stock and bones, etc out on the counters and went to bed.

If this is how impatient he is now, what am I going to do in the coming months?

MelChicago December 5th, 2013 09:09 AM

Re: OT - DH Rant. Feeling hurt and betrayed.
Oh no! Big hugs. That's an awful, hurtful thing to say. I'm sure he would never really do so, and was just speaking out of stress and frustration. But still, that's no excuse for hurting you so. Especially when you're pregnant, cramping, and scared.

What are you going to do? Try to talk to him about it?

Ame C December 5th, 2013 11:51 AM

Re: OT - DH Rant. Feeling hurt and betrayed.
Oh wow... that would hurt my feelings so bad!! I doubt he meant it and like Mel said, he was probably speaking out of anger, but that doesn't make it okay. I hope he comes to you and apologizes. He can't think that saying those things could ever possibly put a woman "in the mood". It just doesn't work like that. I hope y'all can talk it out and resolve things. I would let him know you understand where he is coming from but the things he said were very hurtful and uncalled for and he could have handled his frustration in a constructive way, not a destructive way like he did.

((hugs)) I hope y'all can work it out with no more hurt feelings.

melissalaw December 5th, 2013 11:54 AM

Re: OT - DH Rant. Feeling hurt and betrayed.
Oh honey I am so sorry. I know how hurt you must have been when he said that. I know I would have been very hurt but then my hurt would have turned to anger.

I would definitely talk to him and tel him how hurt you were by his words and maybe you guys can compromise. Maybe instead of actual sex you can do other things to help him out with his frustration. I'm guessing that his hurtful words were more out of frustration than anything and that he didn't really mean them.

I would definitely talk to your dr at your next appointment and get his take on the sex issue and see if it would be a problem. I know if your dr is anything like mine, mine will tell me whether it is or not and then if I want him to he will tell DH that sex is out of the question until the baby is born.

I hope he realizes how mean and hurtful his words were and hopefully he will apologize.

I go to bed alot earlier than my DH also usually about an hour or so because I'm so tired and I will usually just tell him that if he wants some play he better come to bed now because if not I'll be asleep when he finally does and there will be no play then.

Schofield06 December 5th, 2013 03:12 PM

Re: OT - DH Rant. Feeling hurt and betrayed.
:hug: Oh my! I would have completely gone off on my DH if he said something like that.

I'm sure he's just frustrated, but it is not even close to okay to threaten something like that. Statements like that just serve to undermine the trust you have in a relationship. I would definitely tell him that those kinds of threats are out of the question, no matter how upset/frustrated/mad he is.

Are there any women in his life that could explain to him that you will be limited in what you can do since you're pregnant? Like another woman he respects that has been pregnant before? I don't know if that might help him understand a little better, just a thought.

Also, sometimes guys take not being intimate with them to mean that they have become unattractive, unlikable, or something to us in a way. So maybe if there's other things you can do for him to reassure him about that? Maybe that would explain why he's getting so upset as well. I obviously don't know if that's really what's going on or not.

I hope it gets better for you, and I'm sorry he's having a hard time right now. :hug: I'm so so sorry he would say something so mean and hurtful to you.

Boos Moo December 5th, 2013 06:17 PM

Re: OT - DH Rant. Feeling hurt and betrayed.
Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry. Lots of HUGS!
That would surely make me hurt and angry.
Is there something else going on in his life that is making him angry/frustrated about things (I don't know if he works outside the home)?
I hope he understands that even if it's ok to have sex that if it worries you or you don't feel like it that he should understand that right now is a hard time for you.
I hope things are looking better today. Hugs and more hugs.

EverydayJoy December 5th, 2013 09:53 PM

Re: OT - DH Rant. Feeling hurt and betrayed.
Just wanted to say OH MY. I would have been so incredibly hurt by that kind of talk. I might never want to have sex with my DH again if he said that. Sex is something you give of yourself, you become vulnerable for that person, and to have someone rip into you like that, yikes I would be like, Well, you just ruined all chances of me being interested in sex again. How awful to say he might go looking elsewhere.
Big hugs and I have no advice other than hot oil and pincers. (OK, I'm kind of kidding, but just halfway.)

AnnaBonana December 5th, 2013 10:51 PM

Re: OT - DH Rant. Feeling hurt and betrayed.
I can't add anything more than the ladies here already have, but ((hugs)). I'm so sorry he said that.

Sunrise December 6th, 2013 03:31 AM

Re: OT - DH Rant. Feeling hurt and betrayed.
Just wanted to say I'm sorry. That was indeed hurtful. I hope it blows over soon doll. :dothug:

lelila December 6th, 2013 07:41 AM

Re: OT - DH Rant. Feeling hurt and betrayed.
Thanks ladies! I am not one to hold on to stuff like this and neither is DH for that matter. We always have bigger issues. DH is under alot of pressure at work, always - the economy and healthcare threaten his job constantly. He is the breadwinner, though I make a good chunk of our income, and we would be on hard times if he was laid off.

We did talk a little last night about our dynamic here in the house and said our apologies for not being more understanding for eachother's position within the household. He asked me to (and I promised to) talk to the OB at my next appt about my fears and I asked him to go to bed earlier with me - not only so we can have more intimacy in our relationship, but so he isn't so exhausted at work each day.

We've always had good communication, but lately that has broken down a bit and I think that has alot to do with our individual fears about this pregnancy. We don't want to voice those fears and fuel eachother's fears more. So instead of talking, we clam up. It's not easy juggling work and farm, a 7yr old child struggling in the educational system that is failing us so badly, a new high risk pregnancy, etc AND managing a relationship that is, at least to us, still new. We've been married for 8 years and still feel like newlyweds. So we take it day by day.

Thanks again for being here ladies! I moved to DH's town where I know not a single person so it really means alot to me to have someone to talk to!

EverydayJoy December 6th, 2013 08:31 AM

Re: OT - DH Rant. Feeling hurt and betrayed.
Aw I'm so glad you two were able to have a heart-to-heart about it all and really understand where each other were coming from. That is always a relief for me when DH and I can do that after a fight. Hugs!!

AnnaBonana December 6th, 2013 09:02 AM

Re: OT - DH Rant. Feeling hurt and betrayed.
:) I'm glad you were able to talk. That is a lot for anyone to have on their plates. Hopefully things are able to move a little more smoothly now.

melissalaw December 6th, 2013 09:28 AM

Re: OT - DH Rant. Feeling hurt and betrayed.
So glad that you were able to talk in a rational manner and work some things out. I hope things keep getting better for you all.

Schofield06 December 6th, 2013 03:24 PM

Re: OT - DH Rant. Feeling hurt and betrayed.
Glad things got talked and worked out! Hopefully things keep getting better for you both.

geogeek December 6th, 2013 04:21 PM

Re: OT - DH Rant. Feeling hurt and betrayed.
I am sorry he said those things and I am so glad that you were able to talk. My DH and I are at 8.5 years and it is still hard. We got in a huge disagreement last night after Marsi had a bedtime meltdown. Parenting adds a crazy new struggle in everything. I don't know how new couples get through it if they are pregnant.

Ame C December 7th, 2013 07:00 AM

Re: OT - DH Rant. Feeling hurt and betrayed.
I'm so glad you two were able to talk it out without any further hurtful words. That makes me happy. It sounds like y'all have a great relationship. I can totally understand how the stress of work and fears of pregnancy can wear down both a husband and wife. We all have our struggles but communication is key. ((hugs)) I hope your doctor says intimacy is safe for the two of you right now. I'm sure you both could use a little stress reducer.

Boos Moo December 8th, 2013 03:42 PM

Re: OT - DH Rant. Feeling hurt and betrayed.
Hugs. I'm glad you both were able to talk and get some of those pent up feelings out. I bet that helped a lot. Wishing you all the best and KUP on how your appt. goes.

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