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-   -   How do I answer this question? (https://www.justmommies.com/forums/f133-pregnancy-and-motherhood-after-loss/2696904-how-do-i-answer-question.html)

MelChicago December 8th, 2013 07:00 AM

How do I answer this question?
I just "revealed" at work on Friday. I have a new boss this year and wanted to wait until after my performance review. I like him a lot, but I'm up for a promotion/raise and was wary of having my pregnancy call that into question. Thankfully he's delighted, very supportive and the promotion is still coming through. So after that, I shared with a few other people, and almost all of them asked me "Was this a surprise, or were you trying?"

I really don't like that question. I don't want to talk about having 3 miscarriages over the past year, and I don't like anyone's interest in what I'm doing with my sex life.

I am also anticipating that question from my in-laws. They don't know- and I'm uncertain whether we'll just show up at Christmas with my belly, or if DH will tell them in advance. We are not close with them, mainly because in the past my FIL was EXTREMELY pushy about us having kids. This was when we were first married, and I spent several years politely deflecting until one day I told him firmly to lay off, that it was none of his business, and if/when it was we'd tell him. (This did not go over well- he is a huge drama queen and the rest of the family indulges him). They do not know about our losses.

The best I can think of is "It wasn't unexpected" or else for more casual, lighthearted inquiries, being kind of wink-wink and saying "Well, you know what happens when a man and woman love eachother very much..."

AnnaBonana December 8th, 2013 07:28 AM

Re: How do I answer this question?
I like your second response!

I haven't gotten that question... But if I did I think I would just say "oh wow, that's such a personal question!" And then move on.

People are so nosey. Why do people think it is acceptable to ask these questions?

kaylakay December 8th, 2013 09:28 AM

Re: How do I answer this question?
Everyone at work found out I was pregnant very early because when you work in labor and delivery it's a very hard secret to keep. Especially when you are throwing up in the bathroom. ;) but anyway my point is people asked me that too. I almost feel like it's rude.

This is what I say "Babies happen when they happen..." Or something along those lines. We were trying... But I don't want to be like "Yeah we tried for 3 months and now I'm pregnant" blah blah blah.

Ame C December 8th, 2013 10:22 AM

Re: How do I answer this question?
Mel, I like the answers you suggested. My favorite is "It wasn't unexpected"... but if someone is super nosey I suppose that reply could lead to further questioning.

Why do people think it's appropriate to ask that? I got that question a lot with my first and It made me feel uncomfortable. By my second pregnancy no one asked because I'm sure everyone knew our situation well enough to know we want children and it was indeed planned.

Oh, when we announced our second pregnancy to my MIL (we waited to tell her last) she said "I didn't know y'all were trying." I didn't know we needed to give her details about our sexual life.

Sunrise December 8th, 2013 11:57 AM

Re: How do I answer this question?
I like your answer "when two people love each other very much". It is none of their business. You also have the option to just ignore the question and either make them uncomfortable with silence- or change the topic all together.

Maybe, if you feel like being mean- you can mention one sex comment- they'll prob feel so uncomfortable!

AnnaBonana December 8th, 2013 11:59 AM

Re: How do I answer this question?
Oh Ames! We told my parents in law and my FIL said "I was wondering if that was in the works." Now, I detest the man to begin with but that totally made me think he was wondering about our sex life.... And it really creeped me out! Ugh!

I've been fairly lucky so far and people haven't been too nosey. I have gotten a few belly pats but from people I know, so it's not so bad.

geogeek December 8th, 2013 02:01 PM

Re: How do I answer this question?
My answer is always "we don't come by babies easily so we take what we can get." I think it is rude. I mean, for me, a few people knew we were trying becuase of my loss in February. My mom spread the news to my family because they were starting to get nosey about Marsi starting to get old enough for a sibling. None of my family understand what it is to take 9 months with losses to get pregnant. I am open about my losses. I am open to people knowing that babies are sometimes not easy to be blessed with. It drives me up the wall when people want to know intimate details.

lelila December 8th, 2013 02:21 PM

Re: How do I answer this question?
I've been asked SO MANY times if this pregnancy was a surprise (no one knows about our previous losses) especially since we are older parents and there will be 8 years between DS and this baby.

I tell them "No, we knew what would happen if we had sex and we feel blessed that it happened to us". Most people are so shocked that I actually said the word *GASP* "sex" out loud, that they don't ask anything further.

Boos Moo December 8th, 2013 03:30 PM

Re: How do I answer this question?
Love that Leia. I've only had my aunt ask that and I replied, 'we were trying and it was a surprise'. I've had 2 people close to me hint at it though. I think I'm in the same boat as Leia in that I'm older and I have a 10 year gap between DD and this baby (and an 11 year gap between DS and DD). So when people have asked me about it, or hinted about it, I go into my long story about how hard it was to get DD (all the medicines and years trying), my loss (I usually only mention the one at 20 weeks because most people who know me know about that one), and all my health issues, and on and on. I think they get more than they bargained for and never ask again ;)

CLS2616 December 9th, 2013 06:41 AM

Re: How do I answer this question?
I hate that question as well. I think it bothers me much more when certain people ask. I'm dreading when my co-workers find out (if they haven't suspected yet). I'm not planning on announcing it here, just waiting for people to start getting brave and ask me because they see my belly lol There's this lady who sits right next to me, I bet she'll be the first to say anything, she's rude and has no filter, I can't wait for her to ask if I'm pregnant. I'd love to just say "NO" and teach her a lesson, maybe she'd keep her big pie hole shut from now on.

melissalaw December 9th, 2013 07:09 AM

Re: How do I answer this question?
Oh I hate that question and with already having 2 I get that question all the time. i just usually laugh and then don't answer. I mean it's none of their business. but I do like both your answers. i don't know why people feel the need to ask something personal like that. i just think well all babies are a gift and are wonderful so who gives a flip if we were trying or if it was a surprise we are pregnant now and that's what matters.

Boos Moo December 9th, 2013 07:21 AM

Re: How do I answer this question?
A friend of mine always tells people 'does it matter?'.

Schofield06 December 9th, 2013 02:43 PM

Re: How do I answer this question?
I haven't had this question. Probably because many people know about our losses. I can't help but think that I'd end up saying something pretty snarky though. People are just too nosy....

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