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*Bobbie* February 19th, 2007 02:10 PM

Monday 2-19-07, 11w5d

Well we had an u/s this morning that confirmed my suspicion that the baby was no longer alive.

Today is Monday. Thursday night I could no longer find the hb on the doppler and I was spotting very faint. The u/s today revealed that the baby grew to 11 weeks. So I have a pretty accurate time for when my baby's soul left my body. Without the doppler I never would have known. I am greatful for that.

I went to the dr's Friday and they thought I was nuts. I told the nurse that I really felt something was wrong. They humored me and saw me that day. They had to wait until today to get me in for the u/s. I am glad in a way because it gave me a little time to prepare myself for what I might see.

What I saw was my baby laying face down in a ball at the bottom of the screen. It took me all of 5 seconds to see it wasn't moving. That was the hardest thing I have ever looked at. I asked the tech and she said it stopped growing a week after the last scan which was at 10 weeks. This kid was a fighter. She offered to let me have pics. I said no. I just couldn't do it. The baby looked so "sick" laying there like that.

This pregnancy has been sooo easy. I never once got sick. I was a little tired, but not bad.

Now I would give anything for constant m/s and a healthy baby. That isn't meant to be though.

I am tired and have a headache from crying. I just want nature to hurry up and let me get this over with. I want to see my sweet tiny baby.

I am just a mess right now. I can't eat. I hate having this baby bump with no living baby. That must be the cruelest (sp?) trick your body could ever play on you.

If I can't be pregnant I just want my normal life back. This really does suck.


*Bobbie* February 20th, 2007 09:21 AM

Tuesday 2-20-07, 11w6d.... 6days since my baby's soul left me

Well, sad to say I got my old boobs back :( And my baby bump is going away pretty fast. It's no longer hard, back to the squishy tummy. I guess if I never went to the Dr. I would have known by now that something was wrong. My body is realizing the baby isn't alive anymore. I am happy for that small blessing.

Dave ran a bath for me last night and I broke down and cried again. I just couldn't take my clothes off and get in. I am pregnant without a baby. It hurts. Luckily he has been very understanding and cries right along with me. We wanted this baby soooooo ###### bad.

We decided to bury it under the tree with our cat that passed away on Halloween. Jesse James would have loved this baby and will watch over it for us. That gives me some peace. Jesse's life was cut short at a year and a half when he got hit by a car. He was one awesome cat. He was a F2 (high percentage) Chausie. He had over 40% wild blood in him and he was just amazing. But stubborn! LOL

I managed to eat some soup last night. Then I got drunk. I know NOT a good idea, but I needed to. I just wanted to feel normal for a couple hours. It worked. Dave and I sat there drinking wine watching tv and talking (not crying) about how much we loved and wanted this baby. It was a pretty good night considering.

I don't know what to do with the baby stuff I bought. I guess I will return what I can. I also bought maternity clothes the other day. Yes I was in them already. I got a baby bump fast with this one. At least most of them still have the tags on them.

My stomach is a mess today. It is so upset. I think it's from not eating much, drinking and stress. I also feel like I could through up at any moment.

It sounds weird to say it, but I feel like my cervix is opening. I am not bleeding at all yet, but it just feels like pressure down there every now and then. And my back is killing me.

Maybe this will happen soon. I hope so. I am ready to be able to move on.

*Bobbie* February 21st, 2007 08:08 AM

Wednesday, 12w...1 week since my baby left me

Today is another day. Not a good one yet, but another one. The sun did come up after it set last night.

I had the worst two dreams ever last night. I was dreaming of miscarring. I guess it is the worst dream ever because in a matter of time it will come true. Both times I looked at my baby. I just don't know what to expect when I see him or her. So my mind is playing tricks on me.

I had dull cramping starting at 4:30am. It woke me up and I couldn't sleep again until 6:30. I am spotting brown again. I just wish I could get this over with. I feel sick to my stomach. I haven't really left my room in two days. I know I need to do something, but I really want to be at home when things pick up.

In my heart I feel like some kind of infection that I didn't know about caused my baby to die. I know it wasn't anything I did because I have been so careful with what I was eating and drinking. I haven't lifted anything, haven't over done it at all. I had a head cold for the past month. As soon as the baby was gone, so was my cold. It's weird.

I am going to find a new dr as soon as this is over. One that does frequent u/s. I will never be able to relax while pregnant again. I LOVE being pregnant. I guess that is what makes this so sad. It took us four years to get one positive test. Now it ends like this. It's heartbreaking.

Well, I guess I should at least shower today. I hate being alone. I almost asked Dave to stay home with me. But that wouldn't be fair. I go back tomorrow. In a way I am looking forward to it. It will help for me to be able to talk about what is going on.

I really miss my baby :(

12:30..... I got up and took a shower. Then I started laundry to find out we are out of laundry detergent. UGH. So I swept the floor in the laundry room and fed the cats. Then I went to do dishes and they had been in there so long that I didn't know if they were clean or dirty, so I ran it again and guess what we are now out of dish detergent. Then I decided to vacuum. That took all my energry I had left away. I went to wipe down the counter and no paper towels. Can you tell we are a mess right now? I need to go shopping. I should just send Dave but when he gets home I don't want him to leave me alone.

Now I may just take a nap :(

*Bobbie* February 22nd, 2007 06:34 AM

Thursday 2-22-07, 12w1d, one week and one day since my baby left me

Today is starting out hard. I am just so sad. I know I will be sad for a long, long time. My body doesn't seem to be willing to let the baby go yet. I am begining to think it never will. As long as it isn't causing me any harm, I am willing to hold this baby as long as He wants me to. Time will tell.

The song "On Eagles Wings" keep running through my head. It started yesterday and while it made me cry at first, now it is comforting. I am going to find a way to get a rememberance (sp?) stone made with the chorus on it. I loved that song as a child and it has always been special to me. I guess now I know why. Somehow God knew I would be needing comfort at some point it my life.

I ordered a pregnancy loss braclet, pin and keychain yesterday. I am going to give my mom one of the keychains. She is really taking this loss hard. Sometimes I think it is as hard for her as it is for me. I don't want her to hurt that much. She is at my sisters and they will be coming home Friday. I am hoping this baby leaves my body by the end of the weekend, so we can all say goodbye together. Before my sister goes home. She is my twin. Her kids waited for the weekends to be born so I could be there, hopefully this little one will do the same.

I have to work today and I am really looking forward to it. I just need something to do. Everyone there is pretty understanding so it won't be too hard on me emotionally. If it is, I can always leave. They will understand.

As silly as it may sound, we have two very preggo girls at work. I want to find out if they had their babies yet. I know no one would call me and tell me now if they did.

Time to take a shower.

*Bobbie* February 22nd, 2007 08:17 PM

Well work was pretty good. I only cried twice. I feel bad for the people who ask how the baby is, or how I am feeling. I hate having to tell them the baby died, but I am still pregnant. It makes them feel uncomfortable and I hate doing that to people. Luckily they are all friends and know me well enough to know it's okay to talk about it.

I have been feeling REALLY crampy today. My stomach was a mess today. It felt like a constant contraction for a while.

I did get to talk to two of the guys at work whose wives went through the same thing. It was nice to have people to talk to who understood.

I also got a really bad rash on my belly and top of my thighs. It's weird, and itches so bad.

*Bobbie* February 23rd, 2007 06:27 AM

Friday, 2-23-07, 12w2d, one week and two days since my baby left me

Well, not sure what today will bring. I woke up feeling pretty sad. Now I have to get ready for work. I woke up, held my tummy and told the baby how much I love her even though she is no longer with me. It's sad, but she got to be with God early. I never realized how deep my faith in God really is. I grew up Catholic. I went to Catholic schools. I do not really practice anymore. I think that is going to change when I am ready. I know right now all I would do is cry through mass. We'll see. I just have to believe that there is a reason for this and something good will come out of it.

I wonder if anyone at work thinks it's gross that I am walking around with a dead baby in me? It took me a couple days to come to terms with it. Now it's okay. The baby will leave my body when she is ready.

I say she because I really believe this baby was a girl. I thought that since about week 4. Just a feeling.

This rash itches so bad. I wish it would go away. I will call the Dr when the office opens.

I keep waiting to feel like the m/c is starting. So far no signs of it.

I found out I will be on vacation March 4-11 and April 15-22. I wish we could cruise both weeks, but it looks like April will be the soonest. I could do March 4 if all is well with my body, but Dave can't get that week off :(

Time to shower and hope the bleeding doesn't start at work.

*Bobbie* February 23rd, 2007 04:59 PM

Work was tiring today. I only cried once which is a good thing. The day went by soooo slow though.

I had a scare in the middle of the day. I had a really sharp pain and thought for sure that it was time. I ran to the bathroom, but nothing. I though for sure it would be blood. I just wanted to crawl into a corner and cry. It really scared me. I guess I will never be ready for this. I just pray it happens at home.

Well.....Dave is getting take-out for dinner. YAY! I am starving :) I have to be back in at 6am. So it will be an early night.

*Bobbie* February 24th, 2007 05:54 PM

Saturday, 2-24-07, 12w3d

This will be short because I am extremely tired. No change today. No spotting. But my back is still killing me. I also feel like I could through up again and the rash is still itchy :(

I have managed to make it the entire day without crying. So far :closedeyes:

My appetite is pretty much gone today too. That's good cause even though I lost weight so far with this pregnancy, my belly got pretty big for 12 weeks.

Hopefully I can get some sleep now.

*Bobbie* February 26th, 2007 08:01 AM

Monday, 2-26-07, 12w5d , 12 days since my baby's heat stopped beating

Sleep just wasn't in the plan for me last night and this morning. It sucks cause I really needed some. First it was a bathroom wake up, then it was the oldest being loud at 6:30, then it was the kids missing the bus, then it was the kitten being a pain. I give up!

I saw my mom, dad and sister yesterday. My mom couldn't understand at first why I wouldn't just do a D&C and get this over with. I finally got right down to it and said Mom it's an abortion! They take the baby out in pieces. I don't want anyone scraping my baby out of me. This baby grew to 11 weeks. Almost three full months! It has fingers and toes. It's isn't an embyro or a bunch of tissue. It's my baby. I just don't think people really understand how horrible it is to lose a baby this late. Well, Dave knows :( He has been such a blessing. I am glad he is the man I plan on spending my life with.

We did one of the hardest things ever yesterday. We bought the glass jar we are going to bury our baby in. I was really having a hard time figuring out what to put her in. I didn't want anything bugs could get in and I wanted something that had a seal on it. Michaels had a really nice heavy glass jar. We bought pink and blue markers to write on it and some ribbon and baby charms. I plan on laying her on pink rose pettals and a piece of a baby blanket.

Sometimes I think there is no way I am ready for this. Other times I just want it over.

I feel like something is wrong with me. Pregnant women don't make me sad or angry, they make me happy. Like there is still hope. I am not jealous of other newborns. I don't feel like I was cheated. There is a guy at work whose wife just found out she is having twins. She is 8 weeks. It doesn't make me feel anything negative. I am happy for them. People at work say to me "That isn't fair you lose yours and he gets two". Well I don't see it that way at all. I see it as his blessing to have two, not that mine was taken away so he could have two. I can't help but wonder if these feelings are normal. Shouldn't I be upset by these things? I just can't though. I don't have it in me. My baby wasn't meant to be. These other babies are.

I am sad because my dreams for a life with our baby have been shattered, but life goes on. I just can't let the grief define who I am. Yes it's sad, yes it hurts, yes it sucks, but my life isn't over.

*Bobbie* February 27th, 2007 07:32 AM

Tuesday 2-27-07 12w6d

Tomorrow I will be 13 weeks pregnant. It feels like the time has stopped since I heard those dreaded words. I go back to the Dr Thursday and can't wait to finally have some hope that this may be over soon.

We booked a cruise last night. I need something positive to look forward to. We love cruising and have a really good chance of getting an upgrade on this one. I would love a nice room to be able to just relax in. I want to just sit on the balcony in the middle of the Caribbean and just listen to the ocean. I want to feel the sun and the sand in my toes and know that life goes on. We won't be drinking as much on this cruise as we usually do. I really need this vacation to relax, not party. Plus my tolerance is now gone. Now all I have to do is lose a little weight. That shouldn't be hard right now. Food just doesn't appeal to me anymore. I feel like why bother.... I don't have to keep a baby healthy, the baby isn't alive.

Last night it felt like my body was ready to let the baby be born. It's hard to explain, but I get really bad periods with a lot of clotting. Sometimes very large clots. It felt like it does when I can feel a clot about to come out. I know gross...but that's what I feel like right now. A kinda sharp pain for a few seconds on and off. I have also been more tired than usual. I haven't seen any sign of blood or spotting though, hopefully soon.

Sometimes it feels like I am in denial. I keep thinking the Dr may have made a mistake and the baby really is alive. I know it isn't true, but I wish the baby would come out so my mind stops playing tricks on me.

I have to work tonight. It is hard to be there sometimes. I just need to stay busy, but have a hard time focusing on work.

As silly as it sounds, I can't wait to see my baby and hold her for a moment. I need to let her know I loved her so very much and be able to say goodbye. She was a gift from God for 11 short weeks, but I would not do it any different if given the chance. I am glad I got that much time to carry her. It's bittersweet. I wish I was given more time with her, but I will never regret conceiving her......

*Bobbie* February 28th, 2007 04:55 PM

Wednesday, 2-28-07, 13w

I think my miscarriage may be begining. I have had dull cramping all day and it just feels different. I just went to the bathroom and it was brown spotting mixed with dark pink. It is heavier spotting than anything I have had yet. I also feel some pressure. So that makes me believe things may be happening. God I hope so. I wanted to be able to do this on my own. Tomorrow is my Dr's apointment. I didn't want him to try and talk me out of natural. I need to be able to do this by myself. I need to feel like there is something I can still control with my own body.

I still have a couple things I wanted to take care of, so I guess I should go do them. I need to decorate the jar for my baby :) :(

I got my pregnancy loss things in the mail today. I put the braclet on. The pin is so pretty too. This little one will always be close to my heart. She was sooooo loved by so many people.

*Bobbie* March 2nd, 2007 08:25 PM

Friday 3-2-07 13w2d

The spotting is soooo on and off. Brown to pink. I am just frustrated and tired of waiting. I know it won't be much longer, but I hope it's soon. I am ready. The back pain seems to be gone, the rash is gone. But man am I moody! I get mad and frustrated so easy right now. Just changing my clothes makes me mad...

I hope for everyone around me's sake this happens soon. I don't even want to be in the same room as me.

I am drinking a glass of wine. Maybe that will help me relax a little........

*Bobbie* March 4th, 2007 10:03 AM

Sunday, 3-4-07, 13w4d, 2w3d since my baby left me, I guess technically I started my second trimester :(

I just don't know what I feel anymore. Part of me loves being able to still carry my baby with me, but part of me just wants to forget it ever happened.

I think back to the u/s we had at 10w that showed a healthy happy baby and I feel disconnected to memory. I feel like I wasn't even phased by the image. Like my mind knew something was going to go wrong. I didn't feel the connection like I felt with my other kids. Maybe I am just over thinking it. Maybe I knew from day one this was too good to be true. Maybe God just doesn't want us to have a baby together?

I was talking to Amanda last night and she asked if she can see the baby when it comes out. I am not sure if I am comfortable with that. We'll see.

I feel like I am going into depression. I just don't want to do anything but lay in bed. Most of the time I forget I have a baby still in me. I seem to have blocked the entire pregnancy from my everyday thoughts. I just am having a hard time thinking any of this was real. I am not sure if I even want to try again right now. I hear all the stories of babies being stillborn, or newborn deaths, or late term miscarriages and I just don't know if I could handle something worse than this.

We booked a cruise for April 14 and I am praying this will all be over and I will be feeling better. I still refuse to have a D&C. I just can't do that. I need to hold my baby. I need to be able to bury her.

I started drinking aloe again. It says it may help you miscarry. At this point I am willing to try anything. I have taken it before for other things, so I am not too worried about it harming me. I also got red raspberry leaf tea. Maybe something will work. It's worth a try. I just want to be able to have my body back. None of my clothes fit because of the belly. I lost weight with this pregnancy, but got a baby bump really quick. I loved showing so soon, but now it isn't any fun. I want my body back...as much as I hated it before...LOL I need to lose 20 lbs. Now it should be easy. Well easier anyway. I just don't feel like eating.

I am on vacation this week. I hope I miscarry soon. I also hope Dave can come home when it happens. Otherwise it will be my mom and she tends to freak out easy and overreact. Maybe I will ask my cousin if I have to.

I have had a killer headache, lower back pain again, and a little brown/pink spotting. I just want to feel normal again and move on with my life.

I am so sad that this baby wasn't meant to be. She would have been the most loved baby in the world :(

*Bobbie* March 5th, 2007 09:00 AM

Monday 3-5-07, 13w5d

I thought for sure last night would be it. I was having red spotting with dark red little clots. Well, it went away. UGH

I hope it happens soon. Some of my earlier symptoms that went away have come back. My bbs are hurting again. I felt like I was going to throw up for sure this morning. I hope it is just my hormones adjusting. I no longer feel like I will snap at any moment. I have been crying again. I slept for hours during the day yesterday. I was just soooo tired.

I guess that is the roller coaster everyone talks about.

I guess it is still a waiting game for me. It's been almost three weeks now. It feels like three years!

I just want my body back. I want to feel halfway decent in a bathing suit in April.

*Bobbie* March 6th, 2007 12:02 PM

Tuesday 3-6-07 13w6d

Well I was having a great day after a great night ;)

But now it isn't so great. Dave made me mad and he doesn't even know it yet. Little lies drive me CRAZY. He lied about selling something on ebay...not a huge deal, but I am MAD. We both have been in bad marriages. And I refuse to allow anyone to lie to me even if it is a white lie. It's still a lie. GRRR He is going to get an earfull when he gets home.

Anyways I was sitting here playing on the web and felt the first real sign of m/c a minor gush of red blood. It was really watery. At first I was hoping my water broke, but it didn't seem like that, not a big enough gush. I have no cramping yet. Just a growling tummy.

I just did 2 miles on the treadmil after doing 2 last night. I didn't over do it, highest heartrate was 155 and not for long. I kept it around 130-140. Maybe that is finally making things happen. I hope so!

3:15: Now I am cramping but the bleeding has gone down. We'll see....

4:00 cramping is dull....spotting is gone, maybe next time? Oh well

8:00 cramping, and back pain again. Sticky red discharge....kinda like red mucus...ewww LOL Maybe the mucus plug? If I am lucky. I am keeping my fingers crossed. I just want this over soon. I also have had this pinching sensation in the pelvic area since last night. Hard to describe it.

8:15 I feel like I have to pee every 10 seconds. I JUST went. This is getting weird.... :blush:

11:00 Not much is happening. Cramps got worse and then better. I almost thought they were contractions for a while there. Still red blood mixed with little clots on the tp.

I am going to drink a beer and watch a movie. I haven't had a beer since before I got pregnant. This m/c is taking forever....... I just want to see my baby.

*Bobbie* March 7th, 2007 05:50 AM

Wednesday 3-7-07 14w

My water broke at 7:00am. I woke up to contractions at 6:30am. Here we go!!!! Finally.

11:00....well I passed the first huge blob of something. Not sure what it was??? There must be something wrong with me.... I never thought I could laugh at what came out of my body. I told Dave it looks like a science experiment gone wrong. I have been laying on the bathroom floor with my electric blanket and tons of pillows. I was really comfy and even slept for a while. I decided I should put the strainer on the toilet and see if I could get the real clotting to start. So far it was just watery blood. I think with the strainer there I could finally relax my body knowing the baby can't go down the toilet. Well it worked. I feel 100% better at the moment. I know the feeling won't last so I will enjoy it for the moment.

I am starving so Dave is making eggs and toast. I hope I don't regret eating right now, but my stomach is growling.

I am typing this on Thursday, but in this post so it makes sense......
1:45pm I was talking on the phone and felt a clot. I got up to go into the bathroom. I did what I had to do and on my way back to my room I made it half way and passed out cold. It scared the heck out of me. I went and laid down on my bed.

2:45pm Figured I should try and get more clots out, got off the bed and made it 5 feet. Passed out cold again. Dave said both times my eyes rolled back in my head and I was down. REALLY SCARRY. I was bleeding all over my clothes, the floor and managed to get blood on the walls and carpet.

After that I just laid next to the toilet on blankets and towels. I could make it from there to the toilet for all of 5 seconds and had to be put on the floor again.

The heavy clotting lasted until around 9:00pm. Somewhere around that time I called my dr's office. I didn't tell him that I passed out. I told him I was lightheaded and dizzy. I 100% believe I should have been in the ER last night, but I don't want them to take my baby. The thing is though, they say if you fill more than a pad per hour.... well, I only went through about 10 at the point, but it was clear the loss was in the clotting, not the actual blood.

One thing that I kept thinking is this really doesn't hurt. 2-3 on a scale of 1-10. The contractions feel like gas pains. I didn't realize just how bad of shape I was in.

We went to sleep at 12:00. No sign of the baby yet.

*Bobbie* March 8th, 2007 01:11 PM

Thursday 3-8-07, 14w1d

I slept soooo good. I slept from midnight till around 12:00. 12 hours of much needed sleep. In that time I only bled a tiny bit. I was really worried last night. If the bleeding continued at the rate it was I felt like I would have died. I wish I wasn't so stubborn. But I want my baby.

It's 3:00 now. I have had small clots, but nothing major. The contractions are a bit stronger, but not a big deal. I am still really dizzy and can't walk very much, but I did take a shower! It took forever and I had to sit 99% of the time, but I feel better.

Now it is time to lay down again, and take a nap.

I hope the baby comes out soon.....

6:30pm I took a nap, and started reading a book. So far just red spotting and some tiny clots. When I go to the bathroom and push a little, I can feel something large just waiting to come out, but I don't have the strength to push for long. Probably the placenta. It sucks knowing I need to do it, but will pass out again if I try. I am being nice to my body, drinking lots and eating little snacks. I hope I can get my strength back soon. I feel better already but still can't stand for more than a couple seconds. I do feel like the fog lifted over my brain <_< I worry that the baby already came out and I missed it. I know that most likely that isn't the case, but my mind is probably playing tricks on me again.

11:30pm Well I am officially bored! LOL I feel sooo much better, like I could run a mile. Well, until I put my shoes on. Then I would be ready for a nap. I have been having pretty stong contractions on and off. I would say 4-5 out of 10. Unfortunately they go away. I wish I could just push my baby out. I am getting a little nervous about what I will see though. If the water broke, will the baby still be in the sac? I hope so, but I just don't know what is going to happen. I know the placenta hasn't come out of me yet. At least I am 99%sure. I hate not knowing. I can deal with anything as long as I know what to expect. That has been the hardest part of all this, the unexpected. I am thankful that the baby didn't come out last night. I didn't have the strength physically to deal with the emotional part.

I wish there was a way to hurry this up.

My daughter was sick today. She has the flu. This is her dad's week and I felt like such a horrible mother for not being able to take care of her. I just couldn't do it and it breaks my heart to know she was sick and I wasn't there. My son also broke up with his girlfriend. I had to hang up with him so I could use the bathroom. It is just so frustrating to know my living kids need me and I couldn't be there. But, this little one needs me too for this one last thing.

Dave bought pink roses to lay her on when she comes out. Funny because I have never liked pink roses, but I just had to have them, and they had to be pink.

I think I should get up and do something...like clean the house. I was thinking that last night when I thought of calling the ambulance. They can't come in here, the laundry isn't put away, the bed isn't made and the table needs dusting. Maybe I was delirious (sp?).

I have been only wanting to eat popsicles, eggs, bagels and potato chips with cheese sauce. Gatorade is the drink of choice. I asked Dave to buy Orange and he bought Tangerine. YUCK. I also tried pedialite. It tastes like chicken broth. Double YUCK.

*Bobbie* March 9th, 2007 08:42 AM

Friday 3-9-07,14w2d

10:20am I officially give up on this happening. Last night I woke up at 2:45am to pretty bad contractions. And heavy bleeding. I woke Dave up and then decided to try and get whatever it was out. It was a wierd piece of tissue. It was 3inx2in and just looked strange. It wasn't the baby. But I don't know what it was. It has now been over two days and I am worried about how much longer it will be. I don't have a fever, so that's good I guess. The bleeding is almost gone again. Why is this process so slow?

I am supposed to go back to work Sunday. I don't see that happening. At this rate it feels like it will be weeks. I can't start to heal till this is done. I also can't stand for more than a couple minutes yet, let alone hours. I know work will be mad... but I can't help it.

Dave went to work. I hate being alone, but he can't stay home forever. If I need him, he can be home in 20 minutes. My mom wants to come over. I love her, but her "mothering" wears me out sometimes. I just feel like I won't be able to relax if she is here. I just want to lay in bed and watch tv. I don't want to have to talk about every little ache or pain. I know it hurts her that I don't want her coming over, but there isn't anything she can do for me right now.

3:45pm Okay I know I said I understood that Dave had to work but the jerk didn't call me for 5 hours! I could have been dead and he wouldn't have known. I am soooo mad at him. How can he just go on with life knowing I am home alone miscarrying our baby. God I hate men! It just makes me want to move away by myself so I don't have to always be dissapointed by him. I am not sure I even want to try again for another baby. If he can leave me now like this and not even call, what kind of a man is he? It only takes two seconds to call and ask how I am.

Anyways.... I am feeling crappy again. The dull pelvic pinching is back. I feel sick to my stomach and dizzy when I stand up. I did manage to take a shower and have moved from laying on the bathroom floor to my bed again. I feel halfway human.

I hate being as stubborn as I am. I hate wanting to have someone there for me when I KNOW I don't need anyone. I can do anything I set my mind to, but my stupid heart doesn't always listen to my mind :( I guess I just want to be mad at the world for a while......

*Bobbie* March 11th, 2007 09:00 AM

Sunday 3-11-07, 14w 4d ?

Yesterday was exhaughsting. Mom showed up early without calling. I was still in bed and planned on staying there. UGH

First thing she says to me is you don't look good! You look pale. Well, yeah Mom I am pale. I tried to be strong for a day and took a shower and we went shopping. Then we went to my daughters play (High School Musical) at school. It was fun to watch, but by the end of the night I was 100% wiped out. If I didn't let her see for herself that I was okay she would be here everyday. I love her, but I just want to lay in bed and read or watch tv. I wish she could understand that and leave me alone for a while.

The miscarriage has pretty much stopped. I called my Dr's office again yesterday and she said that it is possible that my body is still hanging on to whatever is left in the uterus. Possibly still the baby and placenta. She said it isn't like a full term baby where the body knows it is time. With an early loss my body could be still thinking it's pregnanat and holding on. She wants me to go into the office for an ultrasound tomorrow morning.

I still really want to continue this natural if the baby is still there. I hope my body isn't absorbing the baby as I speak. Although it's better than knowing I flushed it when my water broke. I would rather know my baby will be with me forever instead of in the toilet. I just wish I had answers. I only wanted to see her and say goodbye :( That may never happen.

I am still bleeding on and off. Mainly at night. I can stand long enough to take a shower and get dressed and then I feel like I need to rest for an hour. My head starts throbbing and I get dizzy. I called in sick to work and will probably do so tomorrow. I wish I had a job where you could "take it easy" if needed. I am not that lucky. It's give 110% or don't show up. I just don't have the physical strength to do that yet. That and not knowing if the baby is still in me or not makes it hard to go there and pretend everything is okay.

I wish I had a crystal ball. :blush:

5:00pm It's 5:00 on a Sunday afternoon and I am drinking wine. UGH It just sounded so good with a late lunch (soup). I took a shower and that stole all my energy so I put clean pj's on. I decided I am sick and tired of stupid pads. So I put on normal underwear and a pantyliner. That lasted all of 20 minutes. It felt good for 20 minutes to feel normal again! I feel some cramping and the bleeding comes and goes. I gave in and did the last HPT I had. I just wanted to see if I could tell if my levels went down. Nope very quick dark pink line. It's nice to have one last good thing from this pregnancy anyways.

I am praying for contractions and to see my baby still. Hope is not lost....yet :wacko: Who in their right mind prays for contractions and blood???? I guess I am desperate. I have the house all to myself for 2 more hours. All four kids come home at 7:00. They are a big help with the housework.... it will be nice to have help right now. My tummy hurts, so I am going to lie down and read.

*Bobbie* March 12th, 2007 08:58 PM

Monday, 3-12-07 It's finally over.

I cried for hours last night. Finally falling asleep around 3:00am. I kept thinking we should be feeling the baby move now. We never even got to name this baby. She had no name. I could name her now, but it just doesn't feel right. She is an angel now. God can name her.

I called the Dr's office as soon as they opened today at 8:30am. I though I would have to plead my case to get the ultrasound, but they didn't even question it.

I went in at 1:45pm. The screen showed tissue still attached (placenta?) with blood flowing freely to it. I did not see anything that looked like the baby. And I was really looking and asking tons of questions. I guess the baby passed when my water broke and I didn't pay enough attention. That breaks my heart, but now a days everything is heart breaking.

I was mad as hell that I had to have a D&C after getting this far but after 5 days of waiting with no end in sight, it was the best thing to do. My cervix was still open and the tissue was not about to be free any time soon. If I went on like this I was really risking a serious infection and possibly ruining my chance to ever have another baby. Plus with the baby gone I didn't have the moral issues with the procedure.

We left the office, and dropped Dave's truck off at home. Luckily the kids were home from school so we could tell them what was going on. I made all my phone calls on the way to the hospital (Mom, sis, cousin, ex husband, in laws). We got there a little after 3:00. I was scheduled for 4:00. I cried when they put the IV in. I HATE needles. I was getting pretty scared with the unknown. They put me in pre-op for a couple minutes and then I had to say good-bye to Dave. It was somewhat of a relief to know that was the end of the waiting for us.

They started the IV with the "knock me out drugs". I was wheeled into the operation room and they had me switch from the gurney to the table. Luckily that is when they totally knocked me out. I was so scared of having to put my feet in the stirrups and feeling so vulnerable. I was scared of them not knocking me out enough. I didn't want to feel or remember any of it.

I woke up in this cheery post-op room with the nicest nurses. Everyone was smiling and willing to get me anything I needed. I woke up and said I was dreaming of being on a cruise. I wasn't in any pain yet. I felt GREAT. Like I could jump out of bed and go home. I was expecting to feel groggy and out of it. I just felt relaxed. I drank my water and then coughed a little. Big mistake.... blood all over. I can't believe they would do that surgery and not put a pad under me....LOL The nurse helped me clean up and put my own clothes back on. Then she brought me crackers and warm blankets.

At that point I started cramping pretty bad. It felt like it did after I had my kids. Like the uterus was shrinking back to normal. She gave me vicodin (sp?) and it really helped.

Now I am home. I am tired and have been bleeding. But it's a different kind of blood. It feels normal not dark red and clotty. I am glad for this part to be behind me.

I am glad to be able to try again soon to have a healthy baby. I can't wait to see my friends baby to know things sometimes turn out good. I need hope..... and for me what better hope is there than a healthy newborn? Even sitting in the Dr's office this afternoon seeing those big preggo bellies made me smile. It comforts me to know not everything ends bad. Sometimes there is a happy ending. Some books just require extra chapters to get to the end.

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