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paigecbrown October 28th, 2013 08:57 AM

Relationship with baby's Father

my name is Paige, I am 22 years old and I am 6 months pregnant with a girl!

I would like to get some advice on my fiance. He will be a first time dad and is also 22. We have been together for over a year now. I have been pregnant once before with my then boyfriend of 7 years but I miscarried at 22 weeks. My experience with men while pregnant isn't a very good one. I tend to compare my fiance to my Father and my Grandfather because they are upstanding men in my opinion.
Anyway, my fiance and I were supposed to move in with my Mom when I found out I was pregnant at 2 months. He didn't move with me, why I am not sure. So we are now living separately. We were moving because I had to go on medical leave at work because I have a high risk pregnancy and therefore I would not be able to afford living elsewhere. He told me "don't worry about not working, I have everything covered." He hasn't done anything so far. My Mother and my older sister who has a two year old daughter and husband off in the Navy have helped me buy if not flat out payed for everything so far. I still need things like a baby monitor, etc. My family and his family are starting to get angry with him because he has not done anything. I feel as though I am caught in the middle. The more I nag him to step up, the more he pushes away.
He also never calls me to see how me or the baby is doing or if we are okay. He never calls me at all. I maybe see him 2 to 3 times a month now. When I do, if I have a craving for something I have to go and get it. That isn't a big deal but it would be nice if he would offer considering I am supposed to take it easy due to my high risk pregnancy. My Mother has been nice enough to run to taco bell at 2 am for me if I don't want to go.
He never pays for me. That also isn't that big of a deal. But the offer would be nice instead of me paying for him when he is the only one working.
He says he wants to have an opinion and be able to make decisions about the baby, but he hasn't done anything for the baby. He doesn't want to go to the doctors with, he doesn't pay for anything for the baby, he doesn't check in to see how we're doing. He hasn't even said thank you to my Mom for basically being my husband.
I used to think he was just scared, that's okay to be scared, but running away from your fear does nothing but make me resent you. Every time I try and talk with him about the baby or his fears he just shrugs it off and ignores me. Or he tells me "I don't want to talk about this right now."
Also, I am half Italian. When talks about what he hopes the baby will look, if I say I hope she looks like me, or I hope she has a natural tan like me, or brown hair, etc. He then insults my family's culture of being Latin and says he thinks "Latins" are ugly. He wants her to have blonde hair, blue eyes, and be white. That's fine with me as long as she is healthy. But if you don't like Latin people, why did you date me at all? Because of this, my family is starting to look down on him as a human being. My Mom is Spanish, Italian, Slavic, and Scandinavian. My Dad is Italian and Scandinavian. They both look very Latin though, but they haven't judged him once by his heritage. Only by his actions and so far they aren't looking very good for him. The only time he has anything nice to say about my heritage is in front of my Great Grandma who is from Sweden.
Whenever I do talk to him, he always complains that I don't try and talk to him or see him. That I never want to come over to his place or that I don't communicate with him. I used to try, but I have given up practically.
Also, last month his step mom, my mom, and I all told him he needs to sell his 2 door car and get a 4 door, we also said we don't care what kind it is it just needs to be reliable and have 4 doors. So he comes home with a 3 seat truck and barely runs. Before he brought it to me to see he texted me and told me "you know that truck you told me not to buy? I bought it. Do you believe me?
He also has 2 motorcycles, I asked him to sell the one he never rides anymore for extra money. He hasn't. The last time I talked to him about all this, he asked me "why should I?"
I know I will have to sell everything and buy everything at this point. He keeps making messes that I have to clean up. At this point I feel as though I am better off away from him. I constantly have to tell him what to do or what not to do because he doesn't do anything. But when I tell him what to do he gets angry and says that he is the man and I need to realize that. He keeps telling me to rust him and that I can rely on him, but so far his track record is ****.
another thing, the last time I tried to bring up stress or fears and that he was stressing me out, he told me that I was stressing him out and I need stop it!

Sorry this is so long! It's six month of bs!
Any advice on how to deal with him or why he is behaving this way? And should I stay with him or leave him?
I don't know if this is because of his age, fear, he is a *******, what?

Wanta.number2 October 28th, 2013 12:37 PM

Re: Relationship with baby's Father
Honey, I have been in a similar situation. Only I was married and living in the same house. My son and I were pretty much ignored. I was 23 and a new mom with no family within 12 hours, and I never received a minute of help. I was exhausted, and had to learn everything on my own. I never got a break. I feel like had he been a decent husband/father, I could have been a better mom, and I regret it to this day.

I'm now married to a WONDERFUL man and he is an incredible father to both my son from my first marriage and our newborn. My first husband is now a deadbeat who hasn't seen seen his son since he packed up and left us with no money and bunch of bills.

Thankfully you have family to help you, but if he doesn't fulfill his responsibilities NOW, he won't later on, either.

ducksaresnazzy October 28th, 2013 04:35 PM

Re: Relationship with baby's Father
age is no excuse for this. my boyfriend is 19 years old, and has stepped up incredibly (this is an unplanned pregnancy). he helped choose the name, he picks out clothes, and once when i had a sonogram scheduled while he was at work, he asked me to reschedule for a time when he go to because he didn't want to miss seeing her. he's been very involved. he also lives with me at my mom's, and the decision for him to move in was kinda of made between him and my parents back in january. i didn't have a say until they'd already made the arrangements.

anyway, is this a planned pregnancy? that has a lot to do with how men react to the pregnancy. there is also a need in men to "see' things for them to be real. sonogram pictures and heartbeats aren't enough; he might have to physically be holding his daughter for the reality to sink in. if this is an unplanned pregnancy, that disconnect from your pregnancy will be even wider than usual.

maybe you should try communicating differently. you said yourself that you, your family, and his own family are nagging at him, and that's pushing him away. i would suggest asking the families to tone it down and to let the two of you handle it- after all, it's your baby, not theirs. my parents had this problem when my mom was pregnant with me, but my dad was out partying all the time. once my grandparents back off, it was easier for my parents to get their feelings on the table, and they were able to work them out. i understand your families' desires to help you and to make him help you too, but they really can't make him do anything. if he feels like doing things for you is a choice he'll be more inclined to do those things.

about the heritage thing: my boyfriend told me once he prefers latina girls, with long curly dark hair and big brown eyes, short, curvy girls. i'm 5'6, with short blonde hair and blue eyes, and i'm kinda skinny. why is he dating me? my personality. we click. just because you don't look his type, doesn't mean you aren't. what concerned me though is that he said he'd rather your child be white than look like you. that's a racial issue just waiting to happen later, and definitely needs to be addressed.

last thing, and i promise this novel will be over. the decision to stay or go is YOURS. we here, and your family, can only give you advice. we can try to guide you, but ultimately, this is your fiance and the father of your child. that is something you need to consider, and all the fine details the break up would entail: single parenthood, child support/ custody, finances, you still living with your mother, any feelings you may still have for him.

if you need anything, you can message me on here, even if it's just to vent, although you do sound like you have a pretty good support system. :)

paigecbrown October 28th, 2013 11:11 PM

Re: Relationship with baby's Father
Thank you all for the advice. It is nice to talk to someone who is a third party and hasn't been tainted by being a part of the situation. I really appreciate it!

I am starting to not worry so much now. I have talked to my boss at work and he said he would love if I came back to work early. I just have to get the okay with my doctor. I don't know if my doctor will laugh at me or not for even asking, but at least the option might be there. I made really good money when I was working so it would be great to get that income back!

That is what my Dad said. Age is no excuse, you either want to be there and help out or you don't. But it is nice to hear it from someone else too. He also said that when he was 23 and my Mom was pregnant with my Brother, he was scared to death. But he stuck it out and tried to learn as much as possible to ease his nerves. My Dad thinks he needs tough love and he may come around. I don't know about that anymore.

This was not a planned pregnancy. However, at first my fiancee was excited and told everyone as soon as he found out. Then he talked to some people at work and decided he didn't want to be a father and wanted me to terminate my pregnancy. Ever since then he has shut down. I think it is because he is so close to his ex girlfriends dad and her dad told him he is too young to be a father. I wish he wouldn't have said anything.

I have tried to communicate every which way I know how. I am sure I can try harder though to try a different way. I have tried having sympathy for him, talking in a calm environment, not telling our parents what was said, not nagging or pressuring him, etc. But it all seems to go in one ear and out the other. All he can focus on is that I am trying to tell him what to do. I think that may be why he pushes so hard to go against anything I want or think. Also, our parents have only just stepped in the last month or so because they saw that nothing was being done and were sick of me breaking down crying. That's when they stepped and starting giving advice left and right. They mean well but it is very possible that they are over stepping a boundary.

I really hope he turns his attitude around and starts to try to enjoy this experience with me. Unplanned or not, scared or not, this is supposed to be a happy experience. Even a learning experience. I also hope he stops insulting my family's heritage and the way I look. It just pushes us apart. But at this point, I think I should be preparing myself to be single Mom. I never wanted that to happen and it will make things so much harder, but I will do anything for my baby to make sure she has what she needs.

ducksaresnazzy October 29th, 2013 12:16 PM

Re: Relationship with baby's Father
with Nate, he was completely caught off guard. i wanted to talk about the baby 24/7 but he still needed time to sort through all the feelings that come with being told you're about to be a parent. maybe (i know this is going to sound crazy and backward) you should stop talking to him about the baby and all baby-related things. let him get curious on his own. tell him about appointments, but that's it. don't show him the new outfits you and your mom just bought. don't ask him about his money, ask him about his job. let the baby be a taboo no-no subject with him. when he's ready, he'll start talking about the baby on his own. it sounds like he still needs to adjust to the idea of fatherhood, and the pressure from everyone isn't giving him the space to do that.

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