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-   -   I sadly belong here now... (very long) (https://www.justmommies.com/forums/f256-recurrent-miscarriage-and-pregnancy-loss/2682441-i-sadly-belong-here-now-very-long.html)

lila September 30th, 2013 08:29 AM

I sadly belong here now... (very long)
Hi everyone. I posted an intro on "the regular" loss board a week ago not realizing this board existed. It doesnt seem very active (I didnt get a single response) so I am jumping ship to join you ladies over here.

I have one healthy 25 mo old DS. We got pregnant easily with him and had an uneventful pregnancy, so we stupidly assumed TTC #2 would be as easy. We didn't get pregnant as quickly, but soon thereafter, and were so happy. But then my test was lighter not darker the next day, and I knew from there that things would not end well. I had a chemical in June.

Exactly two months after my loss we found out we were pregnant again! This time I tested obsessively and the lines darkened, my betas doubled, and I was puking and was so exhausted I could barely function. My progesterone was low (10) but my OB thought it was fine. I was so nervous about MC again that I asked for supps because from what I have read online and my friends experiences most doctors seem to supplement anything under 15-20 and I didnt want to blame myself if I MC again, so she called in the supps and I went on them. I was super nervous but trying to stay positive.

My first sono was scheduled for a Friday at 7w, but I started spotting red on Tues night and freaked out and automatically assumed the worst. We moved up my appt to Wednesday and to our surprise we saw a baby with a heartbeat! We were so happy! I had told myself that once we saw a heartbeart I would relax and try to enjoy the pregnancy so we told my parents a few hours later.

But as soon as my parents left I went to the bathroom and there was blood. A lot more than there had been the night before. I immediately freaked out again, but friends assured me that bleeding in pregnancy is common and normal, and my OB assured me that everything was fine as we had just seen the heartbeat a few hours earlier. He said I could come back in again for another sono for peace of mind, so we decided to go the next day. I was nervous but this time I believed everything was OK. Well, we started the sono and I could tell immediately there wasnt a heartbeat anymore. I had seen it right away the day before. The doctor checked and then checked again. Then he confirmed that the baby had died. We were in shock, heartbroken, and I was in denial. How could it be happening again?

My OB scheduled a D&C for a week ago today, because he wanted to do chromosomal testing on the baby. I went in for presurgical testing the friday before and as we finished up I started cramping and was worried about what if I couldnt make it the weekend. What do I do? I went to the bathroom while waiting for my OB to call back and ended up passing the baby and the placenta in the toilet. I freaked out and scooped them out of the toilet into a specimin cup. OB on call (my doctor was out of town for the weekend) sent me to the ER where I waited 4 hours desperate for someone to take the baby for testing before it was too late. I left before a sono (would have been even longer) and opted to go to my OB instead for the appt I already had for a sono as part of the pre-D&C procedure. Luckily my OB examined me and said I passed everything which I am really hoping is the case. After passing the baby the bleeding tapered down, turned to spotting, then just sporadic brown spotting this weekend and seems to have finally stopped yesterday. But I took another pregnancy test last night and it was still pretty dark so my HCG levels are probably still pretty high. I currently have another appt for tomorrow but I want to make sure hes just not goign to have me pee on a test bc I know its positive. I will go in its its bloodwork but otherwise might wait another week.

I worry a lot about next steps. If the testing on the baby is normal my OB wants to send me for testing since this is my second loss now but I was told not to expect the results back for another 3-4 weeks. I am antsy to try again asap but dont know if we should wait until testing comes back or do the testing now even before results come back. I really dont want to have a third MC.

I am so so so sad. Everyone I know is pregnant or just had a baby. My sis delivered her baby (and made me an aunt) at 3pm last Mon which was when my D&C was supposed to take place. At least I didnt have to go through that literally while she delivered. But we are flying to visit them this weekend and I am dreading it. My ILs have not said a word to me acknolweding our loss (not even an 'I heard Im so sorry") and its going to be babycentric for the whole trip. The trip we had planned to announce our good news.

I feel like the hormones have dissipated (last week I felt liek I was drowning) and I feel like a broken record. I have read every page on the internet dealing with how long for hcg levels to drop, natural mc experiences, d&c experiences, when to get first pp AF, multiple losses, etc. Its all I think about. And I am just so sad. I never thought I would have multiple losses and after seeing the heartbeat this time I really thought it was going to be OK. And its so hard seeing all of my friends progress with their pregnancies. And I worry that something is wrong with me.

How do you cope? :(

ZoeChloeMommy September 30th, 2013 09:17 PM

I am so sorry for your losses *hugs*

All 3 of my miscarriages, were natural, do D&C or meds. I don't know how long it took for my levels to drop, since I never had them tested. It did take a while for my cycles to return, longer than most I've noticed. About a month & a half to 2 months.

Is it you your Dr is wanting to run testing on? Or just the baby?

lila October 1st, 2013 08:27 AM

Re: I sadly belong here now... (very long)
We sent the baby in for chromosomal testing. My OB said if it comes back abnormal that is likely the cause for my mc. He said if it comes back normal or inconclusive he will refer me for testing on myself.

geogeek October 1st, 2013 04:55 PM

Re: I sadly belong here now... (very long)
I am so sorry for your losses. I hope you get some answers soon.

plan4fate October 1st, 2013 06:01 PM

Re: I sadly belong here now... (very long)
I'm sorry sweetie.

Coping comes differently for everyone. hopefully answers will help you get there faster.

MelChicago October 2nd, 2013 08:56 AM

Re: I sadly belong here now... (very long)
I'm so, so sorry for what you are going through. Is there any way you can skip the visit this weekend? You mentioned flying, which means you've already likely gotten plane tickets. Still, if you really don't want to, you're allowed to just not go. I mean it. Your healing- both physical and emotional- is more important than this one visit.

As for coping, the only way out is through. But there are some things that made it easier- or at least helped- for me. (I've had 3 losses- one D&C @ 10w, one at home with cytotec @ 6w, and one blighted ovum). The main thing was just BEING sad. Not trying to talk myself out of it, not freaking out about "oh no, I have to do X in an hour and I really can't break down right now", just sitting there and being sad. Being in the moment, sensing what my body was feeling, just letting it be without judgment.

The other part of it was reining in the "stories" I'd tell myself. The mental chatter that didn't really reveal anything new or helpful. Letting go of where I *should* have been in the pregnancy, speculating about how this or that must have gone wrong, how I need to be tested for XYZ (research helps, to a point, but I learned to just make a list of things to ask my Dr and not fabricate conclusions out of my own head.) It takes SO MUCH ENERGY to be constantly thinking about the loss, what you could have done (nothing), what to look for next time, etc. I learned to notice when my thoughts would spiral out of control, acknowledge them, ask myself if this was going to lead to any new news/ideas/possibilities for me (usually not) and then do my best to let it go. With practice, it got easier.

At this point, distractions helped. Particularly books. TV is okay, but I find it so much easier to disappear into a book. I'd also take yoga class. It was another way to be present, get some gentle exercise, get out of the house, and do something that felt good physically when I had really mixed feelings about my body.

Also, after my second loss, I started seeing a therapist. I'd seen a therapist before for unrelated stuff about 10 years ago, and knew that it's a matchless gift to yourself to have someone completely, 100% there for you. My DH could not be the sole recipient of my grief- he's not the best equipped for it, for one thing, and also, I need him to fulfill other roles in my life (lover, date, companion, family member, etc.) Taking the burden of grief right out of our immediate pair helped a lot.

My heart goes out to you. We are here for you!

Sunrise October 16th, 2013 08:06 AM

Re: I sadly belong here now... (very long)
I'm so sorry for your loss.

Unfortunalty, people don't respond to loss very well. It's not unusual for folks (family) to stay quiet and not acknowledge. I love what Mel wrote. Please know you're not alone. Lots of hugs...

lila October 21st, 2013 11:23 AM

Re: I sadly belong here now... (very long)
Thanks everyone for your kind words. I figured I would check in with an update. It has now been just over a month since my second loss.

We did go visit inlaws and BIL/SIL new baby. I was surprisingly OK. Not that it wasn't hard, and it was really sad to think about everything that should have been that weekend, but I was able to hold my new neice without breaking down. I only teared up a little. But then I went to the bathroom after we got back to my inlaws house and saw pink spotting (this was a week after my MC bleeding and spotting had ended) and I had a meltdown. It brought back all of the memories about my mc, unexpected red spotting, seeing a heartbeat, unexpected blood after the sono that turned out to be the beginning of the end. And, I thought we were moving forward but if there was more blood I worried something was wrong and there was retained tissue and the whole process would take longer. So yeah, meltdown. I ended up spotting lightly for a few hours, then stopping for 3 days, and then the last day of our trip it started again, lasted for 3 days including with a few tiny clots, and stopped. It has now been 12 days since the last bit of spotting.

I went for a beta 19 days post mc and it came back at 99, a lot higher than I expected but my dr said he wasn't concerned and that we would check it again the following week. the beta was taken the day after the last round of spotting, so maybe once that passed it would drop more quickly. I went for another beta Friday (28 days post mc) and it dropped down to 29, which my dr was happy with. He said my progesterone also showed I ovulated (we had seen a follicle at my sono 19 days post mc but that beta showed I had not yet ovulated). I am excited! Hopefully this means AF is less than 2 weeks away and I am hopeful that my beta will hit zero by the time AF comes! My OB said I could go for more betas if I want, but that with my hcg down to 29 he thinks I can just take a pee test in a week if thats easier for me. I think I am going to hold off on more blood unless I am still testing positive after AF shows.

Also, genetic testing results came back showing trisomy 14, incompatible with life. I felt sad, but a little relieved, that there was a "reason" for this loss. My dr said because we know the reason he didnt think I needed to go for more testing on myself and we are tentatively holding off on testing right now. I also found out the gender. I'm sad, but I am glad I know.

Its so hard though. More and more people are announcing pregnancies every day, I would have been 12 weeks now and instead I am waiting for AF. But, hopefully AF will be here soon.

MelChicago October 22nd, 2013 10:37 AM

Re: I sadly belong here now... (very long)
Thank you for sharing your update. I'm so sorry for all you've been through- it's so hard. I'm also glad that you got an answer, in a way, with the news of trisomy 14. It doesn't make the loss any less, but it's hard to not know. Also good to hear that your body is healing, and that you're feeling more positive about the future. There will still be bad days with the good days, but we are here for you!

plan4fate October 23rd, 2013 11:00 AM

Re: I sadly belong here now... (very long)

I am glad that you got some answers. I lost my boys to Trisomy 8 complete which takes all but a few babies before 19w. It doesn't make it any less sad, but it did help in the sense that there was nothing at all that I could have done, or changed about the pregnancy to make the outcome different.

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