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-   -   Update on me--- (https://www.justmommies.com/forums/f256-recurrent-miscarriage-and-pregnancy-loss/283637-update-me.html)

68rn August 18th, 2006 08:18 AM

I know I've been very much MIA lately, but my mood has been down the tubes.. I wasn't even realizing how bad it was until I was getting ready for this conference this past weekend, and I literally couldn't even get myself to pack until 20 minutes before I had to leave.. I just couldn't get out of bed. And then, at my conference, I couldn't focus, I wanted to cry, and after making it through the three days of 9 hour training, all I did was sleep and cry for an entire day. I was such a mess..

So I finally stopped dragging my feet on going to the doctor. I kept telling everyone IRL that "he was on vacation"--well, I knew that his vacation didn't last for like 3 weeks.. I just really didn't want to go. I was just so ashamed.. But I went!!!! I have a prescription for an antidepressant.. I still haven't gotten it filed :blush: but at lease I have the script to start when I feel more ready for it.

I haven't gotten AF yet.. It's been almost 7 weeks I think.. I don't think that's normal, but my doctor said to just give it some more time. I think there's a part of me that's trying to hold on to this fantasy that if AF doesn't come, then it means my babies are going to be fine.. I know it's ridiculous, but I just can't let go of the idea of them.. So there's this huge part of me that doesn't want AF to come, but then there's the rational part of me that wants her to come NOW so I can finally make the wonder in my subconscious stop!

I hope that made some sense at least. Thanks for listening to me ramble, and thank you all for being so caring and understanding as I'm going through this really rough patch.

4iris August 18th, 2006 08:41 AM

:dothug: :dothug:

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time right now, Nicole. Going to the doc was the right thing to do. I'm glad you listened to your friends. Depression isn't something to mess around with and since it's obviously affecting your life, work, etc., you needed to talk to someone about it. Gotta take care of you!!

As for AF, depression can cause her to stop coming, which is probably why she's so late. Try the meds, give them time to work (more than 1-2 days, probably a couple of weeks), and see how you're feeling. Be sure to check in with your doc on a regular basis for bloodwork, as most (if not all) meds for depression need to be monitored.

And come see us more often. You don't have to go through this alone. We've all lost little ones and understand the depth of pain it can cause. We're here for you, sweetie. :dothug:

Mommieof3 August 18th, 2006 09:07 AM

:frown: My heart is just literally breaking as I read your post Nicole....I can't even express how sorry I am for all that you have been through....My thoughts are with you sweetie!!!! HUGS!!!!

candacesoon August 18th, 2006 11:39 AM

My heart goes out to you, honey. I can just hear the cloud of depression hanging over from what you wrote. Hurray for you for going and getting that script. Those meds can really help so much (I know...I've been there.) I'd say hurry and try them because, for me, I had to try several before I found just the right one. And I want you to be on the road to feeling better soon.

Wishing you peace,

ambee August 18th, 2006 12:30 PM

I know how hard it is to take that first step to talk to someone. After we lost our daughter my husband was trying to convince me for weeks to go talk to a therapist. I kept resisting, but after I went I felt like a huge cloud had been lifted off of me...I didn't feel so crazy for being so sad anymore. I am SOOOO sorry you're feeling so badly, it's to be expected but it's just not fair, is it?? :frown: :dothug: to you in your times of sorrow...

srs August 18th, 2006 04:39 PM

Glad to hear you're getting help. I know it is a cliche, but I think that first step really is the hardest. We're here for you.

Rina42308 August 18th, 2006 04:42 PM

I am so proud of you for going to the dr. that took an immense amount of courage and strength...Ypou continue to show how much you do want to get better...keep coming here, we'll continue to help you thru this. You will be ok. Much love to you...

beck12 August 18th, 2006 05:10 PM

Sweetie - I don't knwo if you cope my shutting down & wothdarwing -but it's hte LAST thing you need to do here. This is a place to share - whatever that is.....the good, bad & certainly the ugly side of what happens often after loss - especially so much loss. I have had times literally exactly like you describe - where I so badly don't want to accept that I must do something (like go away to the confrence) and act like I am in total denial that I need to do something...thus the 20 min packing. I think it is soooooo normal. I have gotten up in the morning at times & sat practically comatose until 10 mins before I need to be out the door & still haven't moved an inch to do something to get ready. What you are experiencing - including hte hope that they are wrong & the babies are still there - is all part of grief. If it has come to a point that the burden is such that it is rippig you apart - an antideppressant might be just what you need to catch your breath & have a little peace. I even thought about taking them for a while after my 2nd loss - and I was scary to myself at times & I had a GREAT Dh that was kind & supportive & a sis that was there for me anytime & the ladies here... From what I understand - you don't have even close to that much support & I am so incredibly proud at how you have handled this & carried yourself & now it is time ot care for yourself. Please share with us whatever you want anytime - PM me anytime - IM me all the time - you get the idea. We ARE here for you - no matter what... and we are very very proud of you for having the courage to keep sharing your story & keep putting one foot in front of the other!

68rn August 18th, 2006 07:34 PM

Thank you all so much for your replies.. The encouragement I get from you ladies never fails to bring up my mood, even a little.. And, Beckie, you're definitely right. I do tend to withdraw when I'm having a hard time.. I make up excuses as to why I can't do something that could help.. And then end up getting myself into a rut where I am just so alone and don't feel like I have anyone who is willing to help me anymore. That's what happened in the months prior to my most recent m/c. I had shut out so many people that I had no one to turn to as my world felt like it was falling apart..

So, you all have my permission to call me on it when you see that I've really backed off and shut down.. I'm hoping that I'll have the strength to keep doing what I need to do to take care of myself, but just in case, don't be afraid to bring it to my attention!

Thank you all again, from the bottom of my heart.. :dothug:

kit.pip August 27th, 2006 03:53 PM

You are SO strong and we are all VERY proud of you! Don't forget that! :dothug:
As for the AF, depression probably has a large play in why she's so late. I had the same problem with my first... I really hope that the pills help you out! It's scary to start taking them, but if they balance out your hormones, even that is completely worth it. Good luck!

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