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Dacontay4 April 23rd, 2009 11:58 AM

early miscarriage...stillbirth
Before I got pg with Mason, I had a miscarriage. I'm not even exactly sure how far along I was, but not far at all. At the time I was absolutely devastated, but after I had Mason, the miscarriage still hurts but not like Mason. I was just wondering if anyone else feels like I do about an early loss...

IDK, I don't really consider that baby as one of my kids, kwim? I've just started being able to be open about Mason, and be able to say openly, I have six children, plus one on the way. Part of me feels like I *should* count that loss, but another part of me says no, why? If anyones had an early miscarriage, and a stillbirth...do you count that miscarriage in your "kid count", or say you've got another baby in heaven? I put down "2 angels in heaven" on my siggy, but when I'm talking about it I always just say one in heaven. How do you ladies feel?

*~Lissa~* April 23rd, 2009 12:05 PM

Re: early miscarriage...stillbirth
Most of the time I do not count my m/c's. So much so that it surprises some people to learn I had 3. I count my baby girl Calypso always, but I just don't grieve my m/c's like I do her loss

Brittanie April 23rd, 2009 12:22 PM

Re: early miscarriage...stillbirth
I don't personally have experience, but my mother's first was stillborn at 21 weeks, and then she had 3 miscarriages (scattered among the rest of us). She doesn't really mention her miscarriages ever. When she talks about losses, she just talks about Bethany. I think that part of it is that one miscarriage she didn't even know she was pregnant until it happened, and another one was my twin, so she was still pregnant and still got a baby out of it. The other miscarriage she said was the one that hurt her the most...but nothing like Bethany.

AliciaF April 23rd, 2009 12:28 PM

Re: early miscarriage...stillbirth
I had 3 miscarriages following Clark's death and they do not even compare in pain to the loss of Clark. I don't count them as my children either. I count them in the total # of pregnancies I've had, but that's it.

rebeccabaltimore and more April 23rd, 2009 12:35 PM

Re: early miscarriage...stillbirth
My mom had two miscarriages, one when I was 10 and one when I was 11. She then had healthy twins. As traumatic as the miscarriages were, she doesn't count them as her "children" - although she does count Ethan as a grandchild (her first and only).

claire1979 April 23rd, 2009 12:35 PM

Re: early miscarriage...stillbirth
i lost jessica and a year later i had a mmc i canot compare the pain for jessica and my mmc there is just no comparison what so ever! i as much as it sounds awful dont think about the mc much and sometimes feel guilty.

laurakatee April 23rd, 2009 02:04 PM

Re: early miscarriage...stillbirth
I have never had a miscarriage, only been able to get pregnant the one time (through IVF, after 6 plus years of trying). So I don't truly know, but I don't imagine I would feel the same as I do about Logan.

And while I did still walk away with a baby (Logans twin Ella) , I still love and miss Logan as much as I would have had he been a singleton I had lost. I don't doubt that for one second, never have.

I think it's different because we all got past the first trimester, we knew the sex of our babies, we named them, talked to them. We all dreamed of their futures,what their lives would be, what they'd look like. Then we delivered them and held their lifeless little bodies in their arms and said goodbye. And we (some) had funerals and buried them (or cremated them).

I knew Logan. I knew his movements inside of me. I knew he was growing and was going to join us. I knew what I wanted for him and his life, and his sisters. It's just...oh I don't know. Now I'm gonna start crying again. Ugh!

You all know what I'm saying.

lunarmagic April 23rd, 2009 02:10 PM

Re: early miscarriage...stillbirth
I just had a miscarriage. I think, had I had a miscarriage first, I would have thought it was the worst thing in the world. It would have devastated me. Now? I'm just thankful I wasn't further along. I'm thankful there wasn't a heartbeat. And no, I won't count this as one of my children. I've been through many fertility treatments, including multiple IVF cycles... and to me this feels far more like a failed cycle. It is frustrating and anger-inducing and very sad.... but I'm not grieving a child, I didn't hold a baby in my arms, I didn't carry one for 36 weeks and *know* them.

I think it's all very personal how someone thinks about their losses. But for me... no, not the same at all.

BakingMommy April 23rd, 2009 02:19 PM

Re: early miscarriage...stillbirth
I had an early miscarriage right before I got pregnant with Roald. I believe from conception that a child is a soul and I do count that loss as our child. I even named him or her-Terry Jae Lightner. But since most other people don't really count an early loss as an actual child I don't really include them in the kid count if someone's asking me for a number. But my husband always says we've lost two kids; it didn't hurt as much as when we lost Roald but we were really devaststed when it happened. And really, I think I do include them alot when someone asks; when they ask if I have kids, I say I've had a miscarriage and then I also tell them about losing Roald.

I think it's okay to say miscarriages are different than stillbirths but to me it's still a child. But if you're trying to avoid confusion I think it's okay to not include them in your count.

Brittanie April 23rd, 2009 03:54 PM

Re: early miscarriage...stillbirth

Originally Posted by laurakatee (Post 15506369)
And while I did still walk away with a baby (Logans twin Ella) , I still love and miss Logan as much as I would have had he been a singleton I had lost. I don't doubt that for one second, never have.

I think part of the reason that losing a twin is so different for you than for my mother is because there weren't regular ultrasounds at that point she didn't know she was pregnant with twins until she miscarried and then was still pregnant after. She was expecting/dreaming of one baby, and she got one baby. AND she wasn't to the point of feeling a baby move or anything yet.

Actually, in all honesty, she told me that she didn't want to be pregnant at that point (since my two older brothers were 14 months apart, and I am 15 months younger than Nathanael), and she was relieved when she miscarried. Sound horrible? Yes, but...she loves me so it doesn't matter. Actually, she makes me feel like I'm her favorite. lol

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