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-   -   Having a rough morning. (https://www.justmommies.com/forums/f198-stillbirth/1568141-having-rough-morning.html)

TanyaM May 20th, 2009 10:15 AM

Having a rough morning.
As Trace's 4th birthday approaches, I find myself drawn here to see the little angels. I was looking at our angel pictures and started to break down. WHY? WHY ME? WHY US? We did everything right. We loved our babies. I took care of myself. Why can't they be here today? I am missing my son so much right now. :cry: I look at my youngest dd and wonder, where have the last 4 yrs gone? It has all gone by so quickly, yet that moment is still so fresh on my mind. I went to the Dr. last week for a physical and realized that I was never going to go there pregnant again. All I could think of while I was there was of all the times I went there with all three of my pregnancies and listened to my babies heart beats. The absolute greatest sound in the world. Then my mind wandered to when that doppler heard nothing. Silence. And the u/s that showed a heart that was no longer beating. Trace, my son, I love you and miss you so. I look forward to the day we meet again and I can hold you in my arms.

LauraG May 20th, 2009 12:33 PM

Re: Having a rough morning.
I am sorry you are having such a rough time. It really does go by fast but then something happens and it's like you are right there again. My oldest living son has been talking about his bother a lot and asking questions and it makes me miss him more and wish he was here to be with all of us.

BakingMommy May 20th, 2009 01:44 PM

Re: Having a rough morning.
I don't even want to think about Roald's fourth birthday. My best friend just celebrated their stillborn daughter's fourth birthday and I know it was still really hard.

It's only been 6 months for me and I already feel like the more time goes by the farther away he is. So I can't imagine your grief.

I wish Trace was here for you to hold. :dothug:

LaLaLa1 May 20th, 2009 05:50 PM

Re: Having a rough morning.
I'm so sorry you're having a tough time. I think that's the hardest part to accept is the WHY DID THIS HAPPEN TO US feeling. And we will never have an answer.

My family and friends keep reminding me that if Katrina was born she would have been in so much pain and suffered greatly (b/c of her condition), so at least I can be happy to know that she passed away peacefully . . . and as much as I know and understand that, my mind goes crazy and it keeps going back to the WHY DID THIS EVEN HAVE TO HAPPEN IN THE FIRST PLACE?

It's just so unfair. I'm so sorry you'll be celebrating yet another birthday without him :(


Brittanie May 20th, 2009 07:29 PM

Re: Having a rough morning.
Trace and Claire's Jessica share a birthday. And my wedding anniversary.

Anyway, I totally understand you missing your baby. I guess it never leaves us.

:dothug: :dothug:

TanyaM May 20th, 2009 09:25 PM

Re: Having a rough morning.
Thanks ladies! I am feeling better now. My almost 19 month old was looking a little confused though this morning when I was having a little breakdown and hugging her with tears streaming down my face!
Brittanie, I knew that about Claire's Jessica and your anniversary. :)

claire1979 May 21st, 2009 12:29 AM

Re: Having a rough morning.
yes hun im feeling the same 4 years seriously....:o it feels like a lifetime ago thats whats so hard were getting futher away :cry: since i held her, kissed her, said good bye. they say time is a great healer but i seriously am feeling worse this year i think its cause i have keeley and im seeing her grow up and know that im missing out om so much its hurts so much!!!

NutMeg76 May 21st, 2009 08:59 AM

Re: Having a rough morning.
I am not looking forward to the years ahead when his birthday passes. I hope you are having a better day today.

laurakatee May 21st, 2009 12:20 PM

Re: Having a rough morning.
I so wish Trace was here for you to hold. I am so sorry he is not. He is beautiful, by the way. Truly precious and beautiful.

I imagine it doesn't get easier. I fear those birthdays. I haven't even experienced the first one yet but I know each passing month hurts. Time itself hurts.


I'll be thinking of you.

TanyaM May 21st, 2009 01:01 PM

Re: Having a rough morning.
Thank you all for your support! I am having a much better day today! It just sucks knowing that those hard days are still coming and I seem to have no way of knowing when they are going to hit.

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