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-   -   when u say u know how ''they'' feel (https://www.justmommies.com/forums/f198-stillbirth/1574299-when-u-say-u-know-how-they-feel.html)

claire1979 May 26th, 2009 07:14 AM

when u say u know how ''they'' feel
i mean we've all said it when a new member joins or someone u know goes throu this, but can we really know.
because I don't. I know how I felt losing my child but I don't know how they feel losing their child. It's so personal to everyone.

we all grieve differently noone knows how to grieve we do it how we feel we need to do it its like there is a way in all the books and all the phycs like we should follow intructions and i think thats why most of us feel wrong! when we can only know how we feel ourselves.

its so hard to grieve. its as hard as the actual loss sometimes i get confused, cause its been 4 years since jessca died im finding the grieving hard again.

lunarmagic May 26th, 2009 07:58 AM

Re: when u say u know how ''they'' feel
You're right... no, we can never REALLY know what someone else is going through. But on the other hand, I find that there is definitely many common feelings in babyloss mamas.... and when I was new to my loss having someone who had had a loss before say to me, "I know, I've been there," was very comforting to me. I feel like most of the time you guys understand me far better than anyone else, because you are walking your own journey of loss.

heathernoel May 26th, 2009 08:18 AM

Re: when u say u know how ''they'' feel
I think that's one of my lessons this time around. Y'all are the closest to understanding how I feel, but I've never lost Jessica, Cora, Ethan, Roald....I've lost Marshall, and now Jonah. I don't know how I should feel losign two. I'm not grieving Marshall all over again...is that wrong? I'm focused on Jonah. When will I grieve Marshall again? Does this make me a bad mother?

When we lost our babies, did anyone give us a handbook? Is there such a thing? Why do we categorize our grief? Why do I have to feel bad because I want my sons back?

I get ya love. I DO know how you feel about this.

rebeccabaltimore and more May 26th, 2009 09:20 AM

Re: when u say u know how ''they'' feel
In grad school, they taught us to never, ever say to a patient "I know how you feel." Because we don't. Even if we have experienced something similar, we never know what it is like for THEM to experience it.

SarahBethsMommy May 26th, 2009 10:52 AM

Re: when u say u know how ''they'' feel
Yeah that is a big thing I try to NEVER say. I don't know how anyone else feels, only my grief. I remember having many of the same feelings that some of you have described, but mine are my own just as yours are.

BakingMommy May 26th, 2009 11:53 AM

Re: when u say u know how ''they'' feel
Everypne deals with things in their own way. We've all experienced the same type of loss, but each is individual.

grlpisces May 26th, 2009 12:11 PM

Re: when u say u know how ''they'' feel
I can't say that I've ever said to someone "I know how you feel." I may have said "I know the feeling" or "I can only imagine how you feel", but since I don't know how the other person feels, I can't be that assuming.

Yes, each of our feelings are our own and they are SO personal. Someone else could never comprehend just how each of us is feeling. To say "been there, done that"; yes. But to say "I know how you feel?" Nope.

Brittanie May 26th, 2009 02:52 PM

Re: when u say u know how ''they'' feel
Like some of the other ladies have said, I try to say "I know what it feels like." There are times I'm at a loss, even here (like any of you ladies who have struggled with infertility). But I know that slicing, gut wrenching, tear-your-guts-out, breath-stopping grief.

Anyway, Heather, I don't think you're a bad mother for focusing on Jonah right now. Jonah is special and deserves his own grief time. I'm sure Marshall understands that. It doesn't mean that you don't love or miss Marshall...but Jonah is his own special person.


LauraG May 26th, 2009 03:08 PM

Re: when u say u know how ''they'' feel
Very good point Claire. We all have different ways of grieving. I am very, very private and some moms are very open and they have actually helped me a lot because that is a trait I really admire and made me realize that Jake doesn't have to be only a part of my private life but can be and should be talked about and I don't have to feel bad about mentioning him.

LaLaLa1 May 26th, 2009 08:18 PM

Re: when u say u know how ''they'' feel
I don't think I've ever said "I know how you feel", but I apologize if I have ever. I do agree that grieving is SO different among everyone. Everyone deals with it just so differently. We can never truly know what someone is going through even if they've had the exact same type of loss as us. Everyone has a different story.

That's why some people will never understand why I am like an emotional rollercoaster - when they think I should be done grieving or something.

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