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-   -   Not sure if I belong here (https://www.justmommies.com/forums/f198-stillbirth/2107359-not-sure-if-i-belong-here.html)

PameŁa September 18th, 2010 08:52 AM

Not sure if I belong here
I used to come on the boards as *Pamela* and I recognize a lot of the names on here from PAL and other areas.

My baby, Elijah Christopher, was born sleeping on Sept 10 at at 4:45 London time weighing 182 grams at 19 weeks.

Back in July, we were on holiday in Cornwall and started bleeding, lasted a week and they got me booked in at a local hospital for a scan. I thought for sure there would be no heartbeat but the tech was very happy to say our baby had a heartbeat but....baby has a very large cystic hygroma measuring 7.6. They couldn't answer any questions so arrangements were made for a scan and apt with the fetal medicine dept at home on our return.

At that apt, we saw the baby and he looked great. They really didn't say anything about his organs but were more concerned about the hygroma. We opted for the cvs and were given a 1% chance of something being wrong. I knew we would be ok with those odds and I never questioned where he got those numbers. The next day was the hardest becasue we would have the fish results. Later that night, my husband was to drive me and son Ethanael and my daughter Gabriella up to a hotel at the airport for our flight to the states the next morning. About an hour before that, the call came in that our baby did have down syndrome. I was scared and paniced and couldn't stop crying. Leaving for that hotel and not having my husband by my side when I needed him most was heart wrenching. It was also stated during that phone call that the hygroma could cause serious heart propblems due to where is was.

I feel horrible but I pretty much turned myself off with my pregnancy. I was afraid. I went to the states for a month and all my mom and I talked about was buying loads of stuff for the baby and maternity clothes. That never happened, I couldn't buy anything or even go into the baby departments. I did talk to him to let him know how much I loved him and how much he was wanted.

When we got home, the following week I had an apt and he was gone. They would get me in 2 days later and I was ok with that. When we got there, they put us in a quiet private room but left us sitting there for almost 2 hours. Finally they got us started and inserted something to ready the cervix (sorry can't remember the name). I could feel the contractions start off slowly. The midwives and the anesthetist came back and asked if I needed any pain relief. I didn't want anything because I just wanted to be fully alert when he was born. I was asked if I needed any anti nausea medication as well but thankfully I never felt it. About 3pm they gave me something else orally and the contractions really picked up. I was never checked for dialation because they pretty much leave you to it unless you need them for something. I started going back and forth from the bathroom to standing at my bed and was at the point where I couldn't take the pain anymore and wanted pain relief. I ended up sitting on the toilet with a bedpan for a while and felt a pop. I paged the midwife and she came down and I was in so much pain I just wanted to go back and sit on the toilet. She offered to come in with me but I just wanted to be alone. She asked if I felt like I need to go to the toilet and I said yes and she said she would be right back. As soon as I sat down, I knew he was coming. I went back to the bed and Mick helped me get into bed and I remember crying because it was so hard to get back in and I was afriad he would be born on the floor. He was born at 4:45 still in his bag of waters and my placenta attached.

They put him in a basket and handed him to me. He was so sweet and looked perfect. It was hard for Mick and came and looked at him up close but stood back for most of it. Elijah looked just like Ethanael. His legs were so long. I fell in love all over with him and just stared in awe at him. I don't know how long we held him but he started to get cold and I let him go. The midwife said she would keep him under the warmer if we wanted to hold him later. I didn't, it would be too hard to say goodbye again.

We were given a set of handprints and footprints and the hospital took pictures for us but the printer wasn't working so they are supposed to get them to us. I do worry that they will lose them because that's all we have of him. We opted not to have the post mortem done on him and part of me feels I should have but they gave us a booklet that described what they do to the baby in detail and I couldn't do it. I have allowed a post mortem on my placenta so if there is anything genetic, we should be able to find out.

We lost a boy at 12 weeks back in 2006 and I do wonder now if there is something there when having boys. It makes me feel even more blessed to have my Ethanael.

I have days where I feel like I have no clue as to what I'm doing. I miss him like crazy. I don't know if I belong here or anywhere. I don't feel right going onto the PAL board to let them know what's happened because they have enough worries.

I've been going day to day ok and then the bereavment team called from the hospital about the burial and I lost it.

I'm so sorry if this is all over the place, I just don't know.

Brittanie September 18th, 2010 09:24 AM

Re: Not sure if I belong here
Oh Pamela!! :cry: I'm so very sorry to hear this!! Don't feel bad about letting the PAL girls know, I think they would want to, to be able to offer you the support you need.

And don't worry about whether or not you belong here. If you feel like you do, then you do.

:dothug: :dothug: :dothug:

LaLaLa1 September 18th, 2010 11:33 AM

Re: Not sure if I belong here
Pamela, I am so very sorry to hear about your loss of your sweet Elijah :(

You are more than welcome to join us on this board - I'm just sorry you have to.

I'm Stephanie and my first daughter was stillborn in August 2008 at 23 weeks due to severe ventriculomegaly and hydrocephalus of the brain.


Elsa September 18th, 2010 11:36 AM

Re: Not sure if I belong here
I am so very sorry for the loss of you little boy. You absolutely belong here so long as you're comfortable here. We welcome you with open arms. I think we all can relate to you on many levels. It's so heartbreaking to read your story and I hope you can find some peace. Please feel free to post here at any time...we're all here to support you. The early stages after my daughter's stillbirth were by far the most difficult and I needed all of the support I could get.

claire1979 September 19th, 2010 02:45 AM

Re: Not sure if I belong here
awww hun thank you for sharing your story,and for your loss.you are more than welcome to come join us here. :dothug:

noworries September 20th, 2010 08:53 AM

Re: Not sure if I belong here
I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet Elijah. You are more than welcome here.

Ben,Logan&Kaitlin'sMommy September 20th, 2010 09:53 AM

Re: Not sure if I belong here
I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet Elijah


my name is jenn, i lost my daughter Rebecca at 27 weeks gestation in October of 2003

IAMommy September 21st, 2010 09:46 AM

Re: Not sure if I belong here
Pamela....I am so sorry for your loss, I wish I could give you the biggest hug. You are such an awesome, kind person, and it is devastating to hear this. You, Elijah and your family will be in my prayers. If you ever want to talk or need anything at all, I am just a PM away.

PameŁa September 21st, 2010 03:06 PM

Re: Not sure if I belong here
Sam, I just sent you a PM. I'm so sad to be out of the same DDC as you.

Brittanie, I didn't know if I belonged here because of his age. Over here, they've been calling it a late miscarriage. Thank you so much for the hugs.

Stephanie, I'm so sorry you lost Katrina, both she and Rachel are gorgeous baby girls.

Elsa, I remember reading about your baby and I'm so sorry. Wishing you all the best on your pregnancy.

Claire, I've missed chatting with all of you on UK mummies. I think about all of you and miss you all. Jessica is always close in my heart.

Chispaza, your babies are so cute. I love how all 3 have the same chin and sweet chubby cheeks. I'm so sorry about Eli.

Jennifer, I remember you as well on PAL and followed you when you were due in Sept 08, my Gabriella was born in November.

Thank you all for the support. today was a bad day and I feel like all I have done is cry. I miss him so much.

Aeterna September 21st, 2010 04:26 PM

Re: Not sure if I belong here
Oh, Pamela. I'm so sorry, mama. My heart goes out to you and your family. So sorry. (((hugs)))

Our sweet Duncan died in November of '08. He also had Down syndrome. We were not aware of it, though. I knew something was wrong. I had a very gloom and doom feeling throughout my pregnancy. I just had that gut feeling something wasn't right despite the 'good' level II ultrasound I had. I did start to show symptoms around 29 weeks. I developed a significant of polyhydramnios that I just knew wasn't benign. I had a mild form of it with my first so I knew it wasn't normal or within normal range. I knew moderate and severe polyhydramnios are often associated with Down's and Edward's syndrome and his femur measured 12 days behind, which I knew was a soft marker for Ds. It didn't meet the 14 day cut off so it didn't send off any red flags. But I knew it wasn't normal because my girls always measured 7+ days ahead by femur measurement.

He had very serious heart defects. He went into congestive heart failure and passed away at 34 weeks and change. I had him at 35 weeks. He was beautiful. Boy beautiful. :wub: :inlove:

Brittanie September 21st, 2010 05:18 PM

Re: Not sure if I belong here

Originally Posted by ThreeLovesandGod (Post 21590343)
Brittanie, I didn't know if I belonged here because of his age. Over here, they've been calling it a late miscarriage. Thank you so much for the hugs.

You aren't the only one here who didn't make it to the magic 20 week cutoff or whatever it is. But we don't care what the doctors say.

:dothug: :dothug:

Elsa September 22nd, 2010 10:38 AM

Re: Not sure if I belong here

Originally Posted by Brittanie (Post 21591624)
You aren't the only one here who didn't make it to the magic 20 week cutoff or whatever it is. But we don't care what the doctors say.

:dothug: :dothug:

Ditto to what Brittanie said. We have women posting here sometimes who had losses as early as 16 weeks. Where I live it's not "medically" considered a stillbirth until you reach 20 weeks, however I don't think that 1 more week of pregnancy would have made any difference in amount of grief you feel or the support you need at this time. The fact that you gave birth and met your baby face to face really gives you something in common with those of us who made it to/past 20 weeks...Something about holding your dead baby makes the loss so concrete.

dee68 September 25th, 2010 09:44 PM

Re: Not sure if I belong here
oh Pamela,

I just saw Sam's post on PAL.
I am so very very sorry.... I know there is not much I cam do or say to take away your pain, but please know that I am here as well as all of the other wonderful ladies on this board as well as your friends on PAL.
I truly hope you find peace and healing in the days ahead...again, I am so very sorry and will keep all of you in my thoughts and prayers..:dothug::dothug::dothug:

Gaby&Emmy'sMama September 25th, 2010 11:46 PM

Re: Not sure if I belong here
:( I am so sorry for your loss Pamela - I cannot even begin to fathom what you and your family are going through :(

you are all in my thoughts

kc September 27th, 2010 09:11 AM

Re: Not sure if I belong here
Pamela, i am new here, but i am so so sorry for your loss. my first loss was Brady at 22 weeks, and we made the same choice as you about the post partum exam. i am so sorry for what you are going through, and i hope you find the strength you need to get through this.

i know i am knew, but i have been in your shoes, and if you need to talk please feeel free to contact me. my thoughts will be with you and your family....

Pitridge September 27th, 2010 09:45 AM

Re: Not sure if I belong here
Oh Pam, I'm so sorry....I don't have words to express........Please know that I am here for you, we are all here for you. Sending you lots of HUGS. Love you.

Sabina September 27th, 2010 06:27 PM

Re: Not sure if I belong here
I am so sorry for you loss. Your sweet Elijah will be in our prayers. Please pop into the PALPR anytime. We are all here for you hun. I hope you find some comfort in your heart soon.

J_n_JsMommy October 1st, 2010 07:35 PM

Re: Not sure if I belong here
Pam, I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet boy Elijah (one of our name choices if our newest dd had been a boy! Beautiful!) I too lost a son, Joey. We think he died on his due date, I knew for sure then had it confirmed at 40+1 and was induced that night. I, too, wanted to be completely present for his birth. I wanted it to be real...to fully feel Joey's entrance into the world so that I could remember it. Joey was born on 4/4/09. I also have a 6 year old boy Jamie (7/12/04) and a newbie Felicity born 6/9/10. We found out we were pregnant with her on Joey's 6 month angelversary and oddly enough, we found out after we chose her name that Felicity is the Patron Saint of Parents Who Have Lost a Child.

Anyway, you are in my thoughts as you try to make your way through all these emotions that come with losing a baby. As much as when we find out a pregnancy is "doomed" or that our baby has died, as much as we may want to protect our hearts by not getting attached, it is AMAZING how we fall in love with our baby anyway....it just happens. My heart swelled just as much the first time I saw Joey as it did when I saw Felicity and Jamie as well. It truly is the miracle of becoming a parent.

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