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Ame C March 20th, 2013 09:50 PM

Check in
I find myself wanting to talk but often feel like there are very few people who understand all the deep emotions involved in losing a baby. On top of all the feelings, loneliness is a big one I am struggling with. I'm still very confused at this point in my life and I would like to get to know some other women who have been there. If your interested in talking please start checking in here and posting whenever you want to get something off your chest or if you just want to talk.

Are there any mommies who are active in this group or interested in becoming active here? If so please tell me a little about yourself. How are you holding up? WTTC? TTC? Have you had your rainbow baby since losing your little ones?

BIG hug to all of us mommies of angels!!

claire1979 March 21st, 2013 03:29 AM

Re: Check in
Hey Ame, i'm active here, as co host but when its quiet we usually just leave it. I always struggle with what to post in here because unlike other boards its not as easy.
I check here every day and if there are new posts or questions or ladies needing support then ill reply. I'm always here :)

I'm good at the moment hun can't say the same as june approaches thou its always the same every year its 8 years this year and as every year passes its worse i feel further away from Jessica.

I had my rainbow baby in 2008 so she's almost 5, she has brought so much joy to our lives after the devastating loss of Jessica. She was my last baby thou as i have 4 older children and my OH had the snip last year. How about you hun how are you? x

Ame C March 21st, 2013 12:01 PM

Re: Check in
Hi Claire :waves: thanks for replying. I'm still pretty devastated but the pain doesn't cut as deep. As far as my sweet boy, I know he is happy and safe. I feel like he has given me a few little signs over the past few months to let me know everything is okay.

On the other hand ttc has got me freaked out real bad. DH is ready to ttc, he has been ready but just patiently waiting until I feel ready again and supporting me along the way. I do feel good now and ready to TRY but I have to admit I am still really scared something else horrible will happen. A little back story: 3 months after losing our son we jumped back into ttc because at that point the idea of ttc again made me happy, excited, it gave me joy that I had something positive to look forward to. So after tracking my ovulating with opk's, which was stressful all in itself because I had 2 positive opk's which I think it was 3 days between one another. That really confused me so I didn't know for sure how many DPO I was when I started taking the pregnancy tests. I bought 10 of the cheap dollar tree tests and started poas. I ended up getting 2 faint positive tests then the lines were gone and I had a really heavy AF. I few of my JM friends looked at pictures of my tests and said they think there is a chance I had a chemical pregnancy BUT on the other hand I have seen several ladies in my PR and FB group get false positives with the same dollar tree tests!! One of the ladies concluded her false positive was caused by Gatorade, she poured some straight on the test and it read positive. Then another woman realized her false positive was caused by drinking Mountain Dew. Same thing, she poured it straight on the test and it read positive. I really only drink water and milk so I don't think that was what happened in my situation but I do constantly wonder if I WAS pregnant and lost it. Since then I have had anxiety attacks which I never had before. The idea of going back to a Dr really stresses me out, like really bad! I went to the dentist the other day because I wanted to make sure I didn't have any cavities before be start ttc again (just want to make sure my health is in tip-top shape). The dentist's assistant took my blood pressure and said it was high. I knew it was going to be because I was feeling very anxious at the moment.

I just have a lot of worries and fears. I do have faith that everything will turn out fine in the end but the fear of the unknown, the trials and tribulations along the way is a scary thought. I don't think I am strong enough to handle anything else like this if it were to happen again.

MellieB March 21st, 2013 07:28 PM

Re: Check in
Hi Amy. I don't technically belong here (my son was 4 months old when we lost him) but I saw your post and wanted to offer some ((hugs)).

After loosing Zac TTC was very hard for me. I knew I wanted another baby but I was so scared of all the what ifs. I wanted to TTC asap but at the same time I wanted to wait because I was so scared. In the end I just jumped into the deep end. For a while I looked at TTC and pregnancy as simply something I just had to do in order to get a baby. I didn't enjoy my pregnancy with my rainbow baby much at all. My fear and anxiety were just so bad that it did stop me from enjoying the pregnancy. Even know I don't know how I managed to get through it in one piece.

Ame C March 21st, 2013 09:35 PM

Re: Check in
Thank you Mellie ((hugs)) I'm so sorry. Do you feel like you are over protective of your children after losing your baby Zach? I don't have any other children, but I feel like I am going to be an extremely clingy mother now with my future children after losing Clyde. I'm hoping it wont be a huge issue for me in the future but right now I guess it's better for me not to look that far ahead. How are you holding up Mellie?

MellieB March 23rd, 2013 03:18 AM

Re: Check in
I am rather over-protective of my kids. I suffer from really bad anxiety when it comes to them. I do try my best not to hover over them all the time but I do. I'm still constantly afraid that something will happen to them. I project this onto my poor husband as well. Poor guy can't even get stuck in traffic without me panicking that he's been in some kind of terrible accident. Its much worse with my rainbow baby that it is with me eldest. It is getting better with time though. There are certain times of the year when its worse. Like now for example when we're only weeks away from his 5th birthday. Even now all I can do it just take each day at a time, each moment at a time.

Ame C March 23rd, 2013 01:38 PM

Re: Check in
I feel like you and I have every right to be over protective and clingy but I'm sure you relate when I say I don't want my family to hold resentment towards me because of my paranoia.

Happy Song March 24th, 2013 11:46 PM

Re: Check in
Hello Ame!

I am pretty sure we are Facebook friends. friends I never post here but I do belong. I lost Seth last September. I am already 14 weeks pregnant again. I cannot imagine going through your loss like you did. My loss was tempered by having had three losses in six months and then having Beau my Rainbow baby. Those losses did not make my still birth hurt any less but I knew with every fiber of my being that things would eventually get better. Something I could never believe in the throes of multiple losses...

Of my losses I personally found my chemical loss to be the worst. It was so like a normal cycle I was left wondering how many angels in heaven call me mommy?

Since I am pregnant you can tell we jumped back into ttc. I had two motivators, one my age, and two I found a cheat. With my losses so close together and my rainbow baby so close behind there are no empty chairs at my table because I could not have had any of those babies and Beau too. The reality of Beau is stronger than the angels in heaven. I also try to NEVER EVER think, say or imagine my angels any where but in heaven. One my angeliversaries I imagine them perfect cherubs in heaven not as two o r three year olds in my house, heart or lives.

Ame C March 26th, 2013 05:51 PM

Re: Check in
After my chemical loss in January I often find myself wondering how many children I have in Heaven also. It definitely leaves me with more questions that are left unanswered for now. I enjoy reading your posts in our FB group and watching as you progress in your journey. I can't wait for you to hold your precious little rainbow baby.

~Laurie~ June 26th, 2013 07:30 PM

Re: Check in
I pop in here randomly, but I am not on the internet like I once was (no time). I feel badly about that because this board was much more active when I had my stillbirths, and it was a great source of comfort and support for me.

The nerves are normal, as are mixed feelings. Pre-stillbirth, the game is very simple. Find a mate, get pregnant, have happy and healthy little babies, live happily ever after. Loss strips away the blinders, and instead of thinking "Stillbirths - how sad! I feel so badly for all those mothers that have to go through that", it suddenly becomes "Stillbirth happens to me. Bad things CAN and DO happen to me.", and then every risk and worry becomes magnified a hundred fold. I see that you're pregnant again - Congratulations! I hope that you are able to relax and enjoy your pregnancy, though I know first hand how difficult that is. Take care.

EvanandMadisonsMom July 13th, 2013 11:41 AM

Re: Check in
I just joined and would really like to talk! I need to know how others are coping because I don't know where to start. We just lost our daughter just over a week ago and I'm at such a loss!! I really want to try for another in the near future too but it makes my heart ache. I miss my Madison!!

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