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julie5 August 20th, 2007 09:02 PM

Nine days ago today, my son Samuel was born during my twenty fourth week of pregnancy. He was stillborn. I was having no complications or indications that this pregnancy would be any different from my other four pregnancies. I have an eleven year old son, an eight year old son, a six year old daughter, and a four year old son. I had been to the doctor for a routine exam one week prior, and all of my children got to hear Sam's heartbeat. All of the children were eagerly awaiting Sam's November arrival. I was putting together a guest list for my baby shower, the first shower I was going to have since my eleven year old was born. I noticed Sam was not kicking a lot on August 10. My husband and I were on a date night, a rare occurrence. We decided to go to the hospital to get Sam checked out. They could not find his heartbeat. and their was no amniotic fluid surrounding him. We were in a state of shock. My sister came to the hospital to support my husband and me. Soon our priest came as well. I was put into labor around midnight, and Sam was born at 6:00 a.m. on August 11. He never took a breath. My husband and I got to hold him; he had perfect fingers and toes. His nose looked just like his eight year old brother's. We had a prayer service on August 16 with a private burial at the Catholic cemetery, a few blocks from where we live. My life seems unreal these days. I miss Sam constantly, but there is little time to slow down. My children start back to school tomorrow and soccer practices and piano lessons are well under way. I feel like a robot just going through the motions. My husband and I are both thirty-nine. Sam was supposed to be our last baby, but life threw us a curveball. Everything is unclear now, my faith has taken quite a jolt. When will the agonizing pain and the what if's get better? I still blame myself, maybe there was something I could have foreseen.

claire1979 August 21st, 2007 01:22 AM

oh no hun ...im so sorry...im so sorry for your loss if you ever need to talk ill be here.....i lost my daughter also 24 weeks the cord was tightly wrapped around her neck when she was born.....thoughts and prayers are with you at this difficult time.....

MrsPoe August 21st, 2007 01:28 AM

I am so sorry for you loss!

I wish I could tell you when it gets better, but it does get easier as time goes on. Its been just over 4 months since I lost my little girl at 27 weeks. There is days where it is really bad now, but there are more and more better days. Someone told me and it was the most helpful, just allow yourself to "feel" whatever you are feeling. And of course there are a lot of great women here who will understand.

Also a really good book that has helped me is Empty Cradle, Broken Heart, by Deborah L. Davis.

Sending you big :dothug: . Feel free to pm me anytime!

Prudence August 21st, 2007 09:11 AM

I am terribly sorry to hear about Samuel.
Don't blame yourself, I know how hard it is not too. It has been 2 years for me, I lost my baby at 23 weeks. Every once in a while I seem to think there must have been more I could have seen or done. But in the end it does not change the out come. Just feel, all the pain you want to, you have every right to be consumed with this right now. Don't be in a rush right now to feel 100% as time passes your heart will heal and when you look back you can smile, I smile with my baby. It may seem strange but I go talk and smile with the baby.
I think that your Drs. visit that all your children got to hear the heartbeat will be a fantastic memory that you will have to share with them. And all though we don't want only memories we want our babies it will be good and ok!
Take good care of yourself and get lots of rest.

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