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purplepandas August 16th, 2012 05:05 PM

new here, need marriage advice
Hi everyone. I guess this is a pretty heavy topic to start off with, but I could really use some advice from other Moms.

I am 37 and in my second marriage. We have been together 9 years and married for 5. We have 2 little boys together.

Here's the thing...

I feel like our marriage is falling apart, but we haven't had any sort of crisis. It seems to be the little things, and that he constantly makes me feel unimportant. How I feel, how he makes me feel... doesn't seem to matter.

He's not mean. He works hard, he's a good Dad. I just feel unhappy 70 or 80% of the time. He will say or do something that hurts me, and if I tell him, he list every reason why it wasn't his fault. Or why it shouldn't have hurt me. He seems uncapable of saying he is sorry unless I am ready to walk out the door, but even then he doesn't mean it.

I think he has a huge ego, and often it feels that his ego is more important than I am. It's ridiculous, I know. But I don't know what to do. We've talked and talked and talked. He realises it is a problem, but I don't think he can change because it's just who he is.

Do I need to change? If I didn't love him, I could live with him because his indifference wouldn't hurt so much. But I hate feeling unhappy all the time. I hate feeling unimportant.

If I leave then I am destroying my children's family life. They love their Dad. And we do a lot of family things together. Remember, I don't hate my husband. I just feel unloved. And I don't see how I can spend the rest of my life this way.

So confused.... It would be much easier if he were always a jerk. But he's mostly a nice guy.


mom2brittnchris August 16th, 2012 05:54 PM

Re: new here, need marriage advice
((HUGS)) I don't know if I have the right advice for you or not and I know you said that you have tried talking to him, but I would sit him down and and lay it out there. Let him know you are not happy and that you can't go on living this way. If he is not willing to change then you have to do what will make you happy. And I know you don't want to hurt your children, but if mama is not happy then you kids will sense this. They deserve to have a mama that feels loved and is happy.

I went thru something similiar, me and hubby have been married for almost 13 years, but have been dating since I was 14. In the past couple of years we let our marriage go (took each other for granted and didn't take time for us). We were both unhappy and ended up seperating last July. Yes our children were hurt but I think it was good for everyone. Me and the kids moved back in in April of this year and me and hubby couldn't be happier (and the kids are happy too).

Wishing the best for you :)

purplepandas August 16th, 2012 06:31 PM

Re: new here, need marriage advice
Thanks for the reply, and glad to hear it worked out for you.

I think part of the problem is that over time you get into a routine. Life is about getting to work on time, having the kids school clothes clean, what to make for dinner...

We don't spend the time we should making each other happy. My husband plays field hockey, and has 2 games per week plus training. This involves time away from home, and extra money. I think it's great that he has a hobby, I actually organised it for him a few years back. But I have no time for myself. That's not an exaggeration, I really don't do anything I enjoy.

I have no parents or family to babysit for me if I want to do something, my husband would have to watch the kids. If I insisted that he do it, he would. But he doesn't offer, and the few times I have asked he seemed annoyed.

He can be very nice to me and says he loves me, when all is well. But when there is a problem, instead of trying to sort it out he goes into automatic defence mode.

I don't feel special. I don't feel loved. I sometimes think he wants us together because he is a creature of habit, and we have a routine. He provides the income, I do all the housework/childrearing.

If I left because I am not happy, and haven't been for a long time, I am destroying family life for my kids. They seem very happy and love their Dad. My husband and I get them ready for bed and read to them everynight. We take the boys to the movies, and museums, and beach vacations in the summer.

They have a stable, mostly normal home environment. Except that I am unhappy. Do I learn to live with it? Continue to insist that my husband work on the problems? Leave him but ruin my children's stability? I have no idea how to make this kind of decision. I don't have parents I can talk to. No siblings. No one at all, unless I pay for a therapist.

I really don't want to leave. I just want to feel loved by my husband. That's not so much to ask, is it?

mommy2Breana+Brandon August 17th, 2012 08:59 AM

Re: new here, need marriage advice
I agree with the first poster.

YOu have to sit down and really talk. you can't change a person you just have to realize how things are and learn to accept them or not.

I tried to change my husband before we were married and all we did was fight.

I have just learned to accept somethings.

I have the same feeling sometimes from my husband. We don't kiss like we used to before kids. Just a peck on the cheek for goodnight or goodbye. The small things that mean so much to me he just doesn't get. I tried talking to him and he is like we are always so tired by the time we get to bed we will tomorrow night. I get that all the time it seems like it is just for the weekend when he can sleep in until 8am while I get up with the kids. Just being able to sleep in once in awhile would be nice but I don't even get that.

Good luck with your decision.

mom2brittnchris August 17th, 2012 09:26 AM

Re: new here, need marriage advice
I am sorry that you are going thru this and don't feel loved :(....Your marriage sounds very similar to what mine did. I think sometimes we do forget to nurture our relationship and marriage due to all of life's demands. We tend to get in a routine and forget that the other person needs the same things they needed in the beginning. For us we put our kids front and center for years and took for granted that we needed to make time for ourself.

And it is not too much to ask to feel loved by your husband. You deserve that. Just try to keep communticating with him and maybe even suggest marriage counseling if you feel you need too.

I hope things get better :D

tonyasaved September 23rd, 2012 10:12 PM

Re: new here, need marriage advice
I can tell u in Marriage you and your Husband is not going to always make each other happy . Marriage is to stay with each other threw thick and thin ,I dont know if your a christian or not but the only one who can change any one is God . People are not hear to make anyone Happy ,

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