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-   -   Poll: Would you tell? (https://www.justmommies.com/forums/f74-trying-to-conceive-medical-assistance/2627396-poll-would-you-tell.html)

onlybygrace February 20th, 2013 07:12 AM

Poll: Would you tell?
I was just wondering recently, about those that have had successful pregnancies with MA, and for those that will soon get their BFPs...are you telling people that your child was/will be conceived though IVF/IUI etc?

I'm wondering since Melissa posted the topic about celebs using MA to get pregnant, and keeping it from the public.

As for myself, no one knows I'm undergoing IVF except my sister, not another soul. I dont think I'd tell anyone that my child was conceived through IVF simply because I wouldnt want to offer any further details.

I also have a few "frenemies" in my circle of aquantances, who would never let me forget that that I lived through that.

Just wondering what of of you guys think about this.

adnelg775 February 20th, 2013 07:48 AM

Re: Poll: Would you tell?
I always like to say that my babies were conceived immaculately...and that I have no idea of where babies actually come from. LOL!:D

*JenJen* February 20th, 2013 08:21 AM

Re: Poll: Would you tell?
family and friends would be told, simply because well, I'm not going to lie. strangers...not so much.

muffin February 20th, 2013 08:23 AM

Re: Poll: Would you tell?
I'm not sure that it's entirely cut and dry as to whether (or whom) we would tell.

We have a few friends and family members that know what we're going through, so obviously they would know. There are others that we are hiding it from (for drama avoidance) so I doubt we would tell them after the fact either. (For example, a certain strict religious friend who believes that IVF is murder and adultery, therefore we are going to burn for eternity. But that's a story for another day.) If somebody asks, then we usually tell them. (I usually start with the response of "Having another child isn't as easy as just deciding to one day" to the constant questions. Some people drop it, others ask more.)

What we are struggling with is when/if to tell our kid(s) about it. DD obviously doesn't understand anything like that yet, but I think that when she's married and/or TTC I will let her know. Just so that she feels like she can talk to me about it if she has any issues. Also so that she's aware of potential issues. I don't want to scare her while she's young, you know? But I feel like if other people know about it, she and future child(ren) should know about it as well. Before they hear it from somebody else?

I'm picturing having "the talk" with her in a few years... "Mom, where do babies come from?" Well, you see, when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much, they go and see a doctor and take out a second mortgage on their home...

onlybygrace February 20th, 2013 08:33 AM

Re: Poll: Would you tell?

Originally Posted by muffin (Post 27114364)
I'm picturing having "the talk" with her in a few years... "Mom, where do babies come from?" Well, you see, when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much, they go and see a doctor and take out a second mortgage on their home...

<3 This!

kayakr February 20th, 2013 08:57 AM

Re: Poll: Would you tell?
I am okay with telling anyone that wants to know or who will listen. Not sure about the donor part though - I will be keeping that a secret until my child knows and it will be their story to tell if they want.

DH - wants to keep it all secret and is fine with only a select few friends that already know (not about donor part though). He wants to put this all in our past if we get our baby and never look back. Specially doesn't want his family to know. Not really sure why and I am fine with that since most don't understand anyways.

Lucy S. February 20th, 2013 09:20 AM

Re: Poll: Would you tell?
So both boys were MA...
During? I tell no one (altho this time around I have told more ppl and regret that) but after I am pretty open if it comes up.
To me it's not something I am that uncomfortable with only because my children were desperately wanted and in a weird way "earned" or what have you. TTC with loss and MA has made me an awesome mother, seriously. I think i appreciate it way more than I ever would otherwise.
My boys know they were wanted so badly... We spent over $10,000 for #2 and i call him the $10,000 baby at times LOL!

But i know not everyone feels this way and I totally get that.

*JenJen* February 20th, 2013 09:55 AM

Re: Poll: Would you tell?
We've been pretty blunt and honest with people because I want to make them aware. I don't tell anyone during, but we've flat out said that we just can't afford to have kids right now due to the costs of treatments, and that it's no ones business as to when that happens unless they are willing to foot the bill.

When we were using donor sperm, we weren't hiding it, but not making it public. It's something we will obviously have to tell a child at some point if we end up using a donor again, but we'll be more selective about that

mcmarlena February 20th, 2013 10:03 AM

Re: Poll: Would you tell?
I wish now that I had never told anyone. In the beginning I told my grandmother who replied with, "why would you want more kids? If I had my time over, I would have kept my legs closed". I try not to talk to her about it anymore. I then told my SIL thinking she'd offer the support I was looking for, and she gave me the just relax, it'll happen speech. My brother (her husband and my only sibling) flat out said he didn't want to hear about our failing sex life. I think I only told those people because they were the closest people to me and I desperately needed their support. In the end, I got none. If I had to do again, I would have just told no one IRL and went through the almost 4 years alone. It's basically what I've had to do and it has hurt.

Lindz253 February 20th, 2013 10:08 AM

Re: Poll: Would you tell?
A select few friends know we are getting medical help TTC and when my actual IUI is. I will be happy to share any info about it with anyone once we actually get a BFP and a little baby that sticks. But Im going to wait a while to share it with everyone we know if/when we do get a BFP.

Muffin, I agree about telling your kids later so they feel like they can talk to you about it. Plus I think its important to share medical history with family. Im expecting my oldest to ask me one day more in depth questions about having babies and her future brother/sister. She already knows babies can go to heaven because she knew about my 16 week pregnancy and still talks about how her baby brother went to heaven. She even mentioned it a few days ago.

Oh and I want to add that no one in my family knows what we are doing but my DH (which I didn't know he was going to tell them and I wish I would have asked him not to - I just assumed he wouldn't) told his sister and mom.

MandyEllen February 20th, 2013 10:32 AM

Re: Poll: Would you tell?
I don't really tell too many people IRL. I am actually working with a psychologist now to help me open up and deal with the emotional side of TTCMA because we are now at the point where we need to decide if we're going to use an egg donor or adopt. So many emotions go into the TTCMA process & I don't want everyone in the world to have an opinion.

One time I talked to my mother about IVF, and in her devout Catholic way was more concerned with the embryos who will be left over (I never had any to freeze, so it really wasn't even a pertinent discussion). I shut down talking to her. I don't need judgment or Catholic perspectives. She's asked me a few times after that, but I give blunt, one word answers.

Using an egg donor, I will put the power of who to tell in the child's hands. I will tell them that another lady helped me get them, but I won't make a big family announcement. If the child chooses to ask someone about it or talk to someone, then that's his/her decision. It's their life, so I want to be sure they are comfortable with all the information before I decide who I think they should be comfortable knowing it.

Luvgreen19 February 20th, 2013 11:17 AM

Re: Poll: Would you tell?
During the process with my DS I was very closed. A few select friends knew what we were going through and that was it. Now that I have had a successful pregnancy, I tell people that our son was an MA baby and am pretty open about it. I want to educate people and let them know that MA is not a shameful thing.
However, we are getting ready to undergo treatments for #2 in March/April, and I can already tell that I am closing off again. I am not giving very many people very many details. And that's ok for me. I cope by not letting the world in- I don't want to have to answer a million questions from a million people especially if things don't go well.

onlybygrace February 20th, 2013 02:20 PM

Re: Poll: Would you tell?

Originally Posted by Luvgreen19 (Post 27115185)
I don't want to have to answer a million questions from a million people especially if things don't go well.

This is EXACTLY how I feel!
The pity from people who never understood the struggle in the first place would kill me.

*Leah* February 20th, 2013 02:59 PM

Re: Poll: Would you tell?
I have told all of my friends and family (hello - we were married 14 years before we had our daughter...people were starting to wonder haha, we didn't actually start trying until around 10 years).... and I do share with other people, depends if I feel comfortable with them, or if I think they may understand or benefit from knowing. I.E. a couple friends I suspected were having 2ndary IF, were. I like to talk about it, because a lot of people hide the fact that ttc is difficult/infertility etc... and I've met people that are appreciative to hear of another person going through the same thing and getting a positive result. It's nice to know we're not alone.

A handful of friends know we are going through IVF again...some of my family knows, but I'm sure more will know around Easter.

PS love this board and you gals!

Cait&AngelAbove February 20th, 2013 02:59 PM

Re: Poll: Would you tell?
Family knows what we are going through. We told them all when we were having our iui and told them all when it didn't work. My MIL and FIL are the only ones that know about DH's low sperm count though. He didn't want me to tell anyone else.

KMH February 20th, 2013 04:47 PM

Re: Poll: Would you tell?
I was shy about discussing it at first, but now I tell everyone. Almost without realizing it, I look for ways to add it into a conversation because I don't want anyone to think these kids just fell into my lap...I want people to know that they were desperately wanted. It is easier now with the twins...people always ask if twins run in our families, and that is my opportunity to say that we needed the help of IVF to have all of our children.

I have also received SO much positive feedback and so many "thank-yous" for discussing it. The more I talk about it, the more I realize that so many people struggle with infertility. When I mention it in group settings (DH's Christmas party at work, for example) I almost always have someone come up to me later and admit that they have struggled and want to ask me questions or just talk. I feel like it is my obligation to share, both to be someone that people can talk to, and just to be an example that these stories have a happy endings. DH talks about it too, and has a lot of men ask him questions.

Ultimately, it is up to you and DH and what you feel comfortable with. I would never have talked about it unless DH agreed that we would be open. Being open isn't for everyone, and we have had negative comments about it. They bothered me at first, but now I just let them roll off my back. I'm proud of what we have been thru :heart:

kayakr February 20th, 2013 05:37 PM

Re: Poll: Would you tell?
I am pretty sure DH and I are going to struggle with who we tell if we get a baby. I want to share and be open and DH wants to forget it. He also doesn't want to share his morphology issues with anyone specially his family. We have discussed this a few times and we don't agree. So I drop it - I feel like we need to just get a baby first then we can discuss it then. I would never go against his wishes but I will make it clear that I feel it's my obligation to share so people in the same situation aren't so alone like I have been.

I wanted to start my own local support group because when I needed one I couldn't find one around here. However, there are 2 clinics miles apart from each other with tons of customers. So I know there is a need. Whether we are blessed with our baby or not if my heart pulls me to host/start/organize a group then DH and I will really need to have some discussions.

Hopefully he can watch our babies while I host a support group once a week someday. :whiteflag:

Lash February 20th, 2013 09:45 PM

Re: Poll: Would you tell?
We were very private in the beginning, but eventually told everyone on the planet (within reason) because I didn't want to hide it anymore after years worth of trying and medical stuff.

I also started to just get confident discussing it and made it a "matter of fact" part of who I am and who we are, not ashamed or worried about reactions once I personally accepted where we were, which honestly took a few years. The ironic part is that if you go back through way way old threads on the WTTC boards, I was constantly moving our TTC date out of fear of not being ready and then when we started it just kept going and going.

Once we hit adoption of course it was very open. We turned to everyone we knew for help getting the word out that we adopted and I was glad that we had already been open for those years about our struggles. They were definitely tuned in to wanting to help us and passing the message along, so much so that we ended up matching with our birth mom on Facebook.

I will say that once it no longer rocked me as much emotionally, I was pretty free in discussing it with others and starting to even educate those that were truly interested in what IVF was vs IUI and why we needed this method vs another, and why we were doing MA instead of going straight to adoption. I've had very very few negative experiences discussing it online or in person

Lucy S. February 20th, 2013 09:49 PM

Re: Poll: Would you tell?

Originally Posted by kayakr (Post 27116756)

Hopefully he can watch our babies while I host a support group once a week someday. :whiteflag:


JulieMc February 20th, 2013 10:11 PM

Re: Poll: Would you tell?
Our families know nothing. They know about one miscarriage, and only because I nearly died and wound up in the hospital. They do not know about the other losses, nor our subsequent struggles to conceive. I'd like to keep it that way. They pry too much as it is. I don't need the extra questions and pressure from them.

Some of our friends know. I told a couple of them. So, if we wind up with twins or something one day, I'm sure they'll know it was because of fertility meds, but probably would have enough class not to ask.

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