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-   -   Don't understand my family... (https://www.justmommies.com/forums/f74-trying-to-conceive-medical-assistance/2642462-dont-understand-my-family.html)

smsturner April 11th, 2013 11:35 AM

Don't understand my family...
My family has had the weirdest reactions to my recent pregnancy and miscarriage.

Tom's family has always been amazing and they were super excited about the pregnancy, jumping and squealing and just really thrilled. Then after the loss they were all disappointed and sent love and hugs.

MY family though.
My mother said congratulations most calmly. That was all. (when I was pregnant)
My sister said. Well. that's nice. Why didn't you even tell me you were trying?? And then she was really mad at me to find I'd been trying for years and hadnt talked about it with her at all.

Then after my miscarriage, I told them both and my sister said something along the lines of 'oh that's too bad'. My mom actually said 'well, that happenned to me, and that's why you shouldn't tell anyone you're pregnant until four months'. (I understand that line of thought, but did she really want me not to tell her??)
They knew I was having surgery. Neither of them checked on me, called me, and neither of them has talked to me since (about 3 weeks now). Usually, we are close, and get in touch 2 or 3 times a week. They got together and had easter dinner without inviting us or even mentioning it.

I'm totally upset and confused about their reaction. Is this normal? Why are they avoiding me?

Why would my sister care if she knew we were infertile?

Do you guys have troubles with your family about infertility and loss if you've had one?

MandyEllen April 11th, 2013 12:30 PM

Re: Don't understand my family...
We didn't tell anyone at first (when doing IUIs). We decided that since I'd be under anethesia for the ER, I should tell my mom. She started talking about the "other embryos" that would be left over and how they are people too. What would I do with them? After none of the IVFs worked & we moved on to considering DE, my psychologist and I decided I would talk to my mother about it. My mom equated the loss of my fertilty to when she had my brother and wished he was a girl so she had to give up the fantasy of having 3 little girls like she had planned! UMMMM...BIG DIFFERENCE! Right then and there, I decided that I was NEVER talking to her about any of this stuff again.

I am so sorry that they are being distant to you. Sometimes people don't know what to say and don't say what we need to hear at the time. It plain old sucks. I'm a firm believer that until you go through this process, you most likely can't understand the toll it takes! I'm sorry for your loss and your family's reaction!

smsturner April 11th, 2013 12:40 PM

Re: Don't understand my family...
Oh wow. What your mom said is not even close. I'm so sorry :(

melissaleigh April 11th, 2013 01:15 PM

Re: Don't understand my family...
Susan - Sorry your family is being more supportive and understanding. I haven't really experienced what you are going through but I just wanted to send you a hug and hope you feel better soon!!

*Leah* April 11th, 2013 01:41 PM

Re: Don't understand my family...
Susan ((HUGS)). I just think some people don't know what it's like to go through IF and loss, so they can't relate or react appropriately. You'd think with your Mom's loss, she'd understand. But then again, maybe she got pg really easily and not that any loss is easy, but when you TTC for so long, and then have a loss, it's just so much more devastating (at least in my world it was).

I'm sorry they didn't even invite you to Easter dinner! Did they think you already had plans?

I guess just give them a call and try to open up the lines of communication (although, they SHOULD contact you first!) but some people just don't know where to begin or how to act when dealing with IF and loss.

I'm sorry, that on top of everything else, you are having to go through this ((HUGS))

starlitnite611 April 11th, 2013 01:53 PM

Re: Don't understand my family...
I'm so sorry. My husband's family let's us know that we are a disappointment because we are the first born and didn't have grandkids first. Also, if I were more of a girl this wouldn't be an issue. I am so sorry that you have to deal with this loss on top of everything else. *hugs*

Lucy S. April 12th, 2013 01:57 AM

Re: Don't understand my family...
You need all the support you can get!
If you were close before, I would sit down one on one with each of them and try and figure it out. I have no idea why they would not be more supportive but maybe they don't know what you need?

smsturner April 12th, 2013 06:10 AM

Re: Don't understand my family...
Thanks for the love ladies. I needed some. I called my mom last night to try and she totally avoided the subject. Who knows. Maybe she's sad because I'm sad and she doesn't want to make it worse?
Still peeved at my sis for her reaction to my infertility. I'll have to talk to her at some point.
I imagine it'll just be one of those things that i can't talk to them about. :(

I'm sorry starlite - that's the crappiest thing!!

*Whiskey* April 12th, 2013 06:18 AM

Re: Don't understand my family...
I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't have anything to add but wanted to send hugs. :bighug:

kayakr April 12th, 2013 06:57 AM

Re: Don't understand my family...
I am glad you called your m mom. That is what I was going to suggest. Seriously though, it just comes down to they don't know how to respond.

You have to forgive them for being turds and love them anyways. Their love for you hasn't changed, they just don't have it in them to be supportive regarding what is going on with you. That doesn't mean they aren't supportive with other stuff they are more equipped to handle.

You have us... you can call me sis if you want. lol I will call you BFF cause my BFF sucks right now too. :grouphug:

BabyBirdies April 12th, 2013 09:05 AM

Re: Don't understand my family...
:bighug: I'm sorry that that happened to you - particularly the part where they didn't invite you to Easter!

It sounds like they were feeling hurt - like this huge thing that you haven't been sharing with them, and that maybe they are feeling (or particularly your sister) feels like she was "cut out" for no reason, so she's trying to do it back? I'm not sure exactly.

My parents also went through infertility, so it was really interesting to watch their reaction - it clearly brought up every memory they ever had of it. (don't worry - our issue is not genetic - my mom had PCOS and I am a pretty reliable ovulater, at least) I think it has allowed them to be more supportive of us, but I know most people have no idea how to react :hug:

swtneka April 12th, 2013 03:27 PM

Re: Don't understand my family...
I agree most don't know how to respond cuz they never been through it and even when u been through it you never know exactly what to say or not to say. I don't discuss my infertility with nobody cuz I honestly believe that they don't understand. The few that knew bout the mc said they were sorry blah blah and then say well it will happen again don't worry about it. "don't worry about it" ugh if only its that simple. They think bc I have 2 other kids that "hey its not like you cant get pregnant" I feel as though I have no one talk to cuz no one understands. I know that its on God time and not mines and let go let God but every now and then it stings and I wonder why me. My sister has fertility problems as well but everytime we talk about it she says "at least you have kids" So I stopped talking to her cuz I don't like feeling that my infertility shouldn't sting because I already have kids. It hurts dam it... Im in tears writing this cuz I keep it all bottled up. Especially since now I have this illness that could keep me from ever giving my husband a child of his own. Im sorry that is all...

onlybygrace April 13th, 2013 01:58 AM

Re: Don't understand my family...
Sorry I'm late to respond.
I'm sorry you're going through this.

I also think they just dont know what to say. Hopefully you find some peace in this situation soon.


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