JustMommies Message Boards

JustMommies Message Boards (https://www.justmommies.com/forums/)
-   TTC Adventure (https://www.justmommies.com/forums/f1885-ttc-adventure/)
-   -   The Journey of a Lifetime (https://www.justmommies.com/forums/f1885-ttc-adventure/2606996-journey-lifetime.html)

hopeful_girl55 December 19th, 2012 02:09 PM

The Journey of a Lifetime
I just wanted to start a little journal to remind myself when I look back what I feeling on a certain day.

Today is CD 5 of month 5 of actually trying. I have been off my birth control for like 7 months now. I feel totally normal today. AF left I think, not going to O for at least another week, nothing really to report.
This morning I was pretty mad at DH, I kind of feel bad now. He woke up at 7:08 and decided he didn't want to wake us up till later so he sets the alarm for 7:35. I am was sooo mad when I woke up because that is not enough time for me to get myself all dressed, with make up and hair done, eat breakfast, and do everything else and still make it to work on time. Luckily I skip a couple steps and still made it to work. But, I didn't eat breakfast or pack a very good lunch so I am currently starving.
I know he didn't mean to do it was just irritating to start my day that way. Then as I am getting ready I notice this huge mark on my neck. Oh really?! A hickey?! Its so dark and purple I couldn't even cover it. I had to wear a shirt that covered it. So of course I was mad at him already so that just made it worse. Then as I get in my truck and get ready to take off I notice I have no gas and he didn't give me gas money.. Now I have no idea if I can make it home on the gas I have. UGH!
So mostly today has been very irritating.

And I have another UTI. I am getting so sick of getting these. Its bull crap. I shouldn't get as many as I do but doctors don't care. They don't care that I have hives, that I'm not getting pregnant, that I get UTI's. They just think I'm fine. UGH! Soo annoyed today.

swtneka December 20th, 2012 06:40 AM

Re: The Journey of a Lifetime
Hi so glad u started a journal and can't w8 to read your journey! I hope your journey is short and sweet and u r writing in your pregnancy journal next! Fx u o soon!

hopeful_girl55 December 27th, 2012 02:31 PM

Re: The Journey of a Lifetime
So today is a good day, though I don't feel very good. I'm feeling nauseous and that is probably because of the antibiotics I am taking my UTI.
Its mine and Dh's dating anniversary today, which has me in a great mood. All I have been thinking about today is all the time we have spent together and the life that we are building together. I am so happy to be where I am. I couldn't be happier with him. We are two pieces of a very strange puzzle that just fit perfectly. I don't think I could have found someone that compliments me better. Its a ying and yang thing.
Because of today I also haven't been able to stop thinking about starting our family. I want nothing more than to have a baby and its just not happening how I thought. I had a ton of EWCM today but my OPK is still not even close to positive. Its that first time using OPK's so idk if I am doing it wrong or what. My CP is high medium open and firm so I should O by the end of the weekend as far as my other cycles tell me. I did temp when we first started trying but it was way too much of a hassle with my schedule so that's why I stopped. I thought I knew my cycle but maybe not as the OPK's are telling me. I hope they go positive soon to tell me that I am getting a LH surge and ovulating. But who knows. I feel like I have to worst luck ever and it would just seem fit that I am not even ovulating. That's how things seem to work in my life. I wish I could get the doctors to help me but as of now they won't. I won't be able to have medical help for TTC till at the earliest April...Which seems way too far. I hope I get a BFP with a very sticky bean before then.
Well that's my story for today. I haven't posting on this as much as I'd like but I will do what I can. I think to have my feelings from day to day written down so I can remember what my mind set was like each day.
Well love you all, this is all till next time. :)

hopeful_girl55 December 28th, 2012 08:39 AM

Re: The Journey of a Lifetime
Today I am in a very bad mood.
This is going to turn into a rant, I already know it, so prepare yourself for my book.

Yesterday, as you know, was mine and Dh's dating anniversary. I was so excited for some romance. There hasn't been much of that going on because of the holidays and what not. And honestly, there isn't much of it anyways, DH isn't really the type to think of a super cute romantic thing to do for me. He's the type to buy me a movie on Valentine's Day, and then not want to watch it with me because its a chick flick. I don't really mind it most of the time. I know he's not very creative and it never bothers me. Its just on a day like yesterday, which scares me for our wedding anniversary, is it really so hard to just want to spend some time alone together at least? Yesterday was his cousins birthday so we went over there and hungout for a bit. Which wouldn't have made me mad but with everything else it was kind of like the last thing I could take. Yesterday morning before work, he said he forgot what day it was, but he remember it was his cousins birthday....Then we decided last week that we would celebrate on Saturday since we both worked today and couldn't stay out late last night. So I was totally fine with that, till he made plans with his cousins and friends to go snowboarding on Saturday.. and we are going out that night for his cousin Laura's 21 birthday. So I guess anything I wanted to for us is out. And I am not even 21 yet, I have no idea if I will be able to get in the places they are going. Sometimes it really bothers me that I am so young age wise but I am smarter and more responsible than 90% of the people I know that are my age. I wish that was enough to get me into a bar. But, I am hoping I get to go out with them so maybe I can do somethingg on that day instead sitting at home sulking about how DH can never manage to do anything special. How can you forget plans that you made to make plans to go snowboarding? Wouldn't you want some alone time with your significant other especially with the holidays just passing and haven't had barley any alone time. I mean come on! What does a girl have to do to get some attention. I honestly wish I could have DH do something like Diamond's fiance did for her. He had the room so cute (seen in pictures she posted) and did a grand proposal on her birthday. He asked me to be his girlfriend when we started dating because I said something about my mom asking what was up with us and I didn't know what to tell her. He said why don't you just tell her we are dating. I was like umm because we aren't? The last time you said anything you said we would see how things go. He said Oh well just tell her we are dating. COOOOLL. That's how you ask someone to be your girlfriend. Am I not good enough to get a special way. Do I not deserve to be ask out proper. I mean seriously?! What do I have to do. I definitely don't want to tell him how mad I am about it all, because then he will do something and it will only make me more mad because he is only doing because I was upset and said something. I want him to just want to do something special. I don't want to have to ask for it. I want it to come from the heart, I want anything to come from the heart! I have always been artistic and I always make a special card for stuff, or I painted a picture of us holding hands, or cute stuff like that. And I know he isn't super artistic but I wish he would do something for my present or something that is special. I wish ugh I don't what I wish anymore.

I just wish this day was over....

hopeful_girl55 January 2nd, 2013 01:58 PM

Re: The Journey of a Lifetime
This weekend was amazing. I spent all my time snuggled up with DH, which led to lots of BDing. I hope this is our cycle I already can't wait to test.
I had a positive OPK on the 31st but this morning I took one and it was dark enough to drive me insane! But when I took one this afternoon it was almost completely white. So who knows!
Just a quick update today. So hopeful for this cycle but I really don't want to jinx it.

hopeful_girl55 January 15th, 2013 12:41 PM

Re: The Journey of a Lifetime
So much for being hopeful this cycle. AF came was very angry with me this month. Cramps were pretty painful yesterday. Not too sure why they just hurt really bad.
Not feeling much like trying anymore but I just can't stop. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so broken. Like my mind is soo drained and worn out from trying so hard and its just not happening. I wish I could just know that this was actually going to happen. I am so afraid that there is something wrong with me and we are just wasting all this time for nothing. I've always wanted a huge family. I just love the feeling of being surrounded by so many people that love you and that you love. But since high school, after a few mistakes that I should've ended up pregnant from and didn't, I began thinking there was something wrong with me and I couldn't have kids. I used to just brush it off and say that was the hypochondria in my speaking but now I am really starting to think that I should go with my gut. Maybe there is something wrong. Maybe there is something stopping me from getting pregnant. We have had the best timing almost every month. I know when I am ovulating, my cycles are pretty regular. I just don't understand. Why isn't this happening?! Is it not my time? Am I not supposed to have a baby right now? Part of me just wants to stop trying and let it happen when it does but I've already put so much effort in. And I want this more than I have ever wanted something in my entire life. Though there is that part that wants to give up, I still feel that part of me that yearns to be a mother. I dream about feeling a movement in my belly, about buying tiny little baby booties, about taking family photos, about waking up in the middle of the night to feed them, about getting told I am the worst mother in the world one minute and I love you mommy the next. There isn't anything about parenting that I don't want. I will take all the bad with the good because they are all memories of your children that you and them will have forever. I want to bring life into this world. I want part of me to carry on after I am gone.
Is this all too much to ask for? There is so many people in this world with less than I have, but I don't think asking to be able to bear a child is too much to ask for. I just wish there was some way to know if I was doing something wrong or for what reason this isn't happening. But there is no magic answer. We all have to trudge through this journey day by day and deal with this constant ache for something we can't make happen. I never thought it would be this hard. This is a life lesson that I know is going to make me so much stronger and ready to be a mother. But right now, I am just mad at my body. I mad at the world for not giving me what I crave so much.

Well I guess that is all I have to say. I am just depressed and mad today. I will just sulk and try to bring myself past this. Definitely not going to stress so much this cycle. Just try really hard to relax. Though I have no idea how well that is going to work.

hopeful_girl55 January 16th, 2013 11:59 AM

Re: The Journey of a Lifetime
Mostly just irritated with life today. Mad at DH for spending money he shouldn't (what's new?!) Mad at my mom for treating me like a 2 year old, clearly I am not. Mad at my job for just being so **** irritating. Just not in the best mood. Not wanting to anything except go home, download epic music, lay down, and fall asleep to said epic music.

Thanks. That is all. Love you guys! I am sure nobody reads this. It just makes me feel better to get it all out.

swtneka January 16th, 2013 06:08 PM

Re: The Journey of a Lifetime
I totally understand where u r coming from n I Hope things get better and u get your baby u so long for.

hopeful_girl55 January 17th, 2013 12:50 PM

Re: The Journey of a Lifetime
Thank you Swtneka, I hope so too.

I would have to say that today is worse than the other. I just can't seem to get out of this funk. It has been like four days of this never ending terrible mood. I feel like crying all the time. I snap very easily and am just generally mad about everything. This morning I woke up and thought, what is even the point of getting up?

The way I am feeling today really doesn't need to be told in detail. Its a deep sadness. I don't know what started it but I can't seem to shake it. This isn't the kind of thing I need to write about for you all to read. This is all I am going to say for today.

swtneka January 17th, 2013 01:04 PM

Re: The Journey of a Lifetime
O trust me I've been there and u don't have to write but I do understand n do know u will get out this funk... for me its my faith that brings me out... knowing that one day... may not be tomorrow, may not be today but one day... if u need to talk i'm just a pm away :hug:

hopeful_girl55 January 18th, 2013 03:05 PM

Re: The Journey of a Lifetime
Awh thank you! :)
Today was so much better. Last night I sat down with my SO and had a very nice talk. We talked about everything that has been bothering me and it felt so good to get it out in the open. I love him so much and after the talk yesterday I am more excited about TTC than ever before. He is excited too, which I know now. Before I knew that he was okay with TTC but he never really expressed his feelings till I told him how upset I was.
This month is still going to be all about being happy and relaxed. Just take my vitamins and think about it too hard. :)

swtneka January 24th, 2013 09:08 PM

Re: The Journey of a Lifetime
I'm glad u feel better and your SO was there to put your fears to rest. Fx this is your cycle

hopeful_girl55 July 19th, 2013 03:14 PM

Re: The Journey of a Lifetime
Wow it's been awhile since I added to this. I went back and read all my posts and it hurts to know that I am still here, still feeling the same way.
It sucks that none of this can be changed. None of this is my control. That is the biggest thing I have learned since TTC. Nothing is in your control. You can plan and try to prepare for everything but in the end its out of your hands. Part of me wonders if it all has to do with karma, like what terrible juju did I bring on myself that is making me take over a year to have a baby. I feel broke and worthless. Like because I can't have a baby I am not a woman. I know its wrong to feel that way but it is. Some days are easier than others, some days I can find peace but then there are the days where I just want to give up.
I love my SO more than anything. He is my reason to get up in the morning even when I don't want to. But I just feel like idk what anymore. I don't know how to describe it. I guess numb would be a good way. I have numbed myself to all that is going on. I wish it would happen for us already. I just don't feel like its going to. This is my year cycle, CD 9 I think. Everytime I think of it my heart breaks a little more. I just don't know what to do.
Last cycle we took a break, because of work schedules, and I had a 28 day cycle..I never have before. I have no idea when I O'd because I was totally not paying attention. So idk if I O'd early or my LP shortened a lot. It makes this cycle harder. I think I stress more not tracking what is going on than if I do. So this cycle I am still laying low but will keep a better eye on things.

I hope it happens soon. I would hate to hit the 18 month or 24 month cycle. I think that may very well kill me.

hopeful_girl55 July 22nd, 2013 11:18 AM

Re: The Journey of a Lifetime
I am going to try to keep up on this a bit more.
This weekend sucked. I had a yeast infection, still do, and we couldn't DTD at all. :(
I haven't O'd so I am hoping this YI doesn't screw our chances this month.
Plus I have had this pounding headache for like a week or two now. Idk what it is or if its even something that needs to be checked out but its just a PIMB.
I hope I O in the next couple of days. I really want this to be our cycle. The idea of making it to two years before we conceive is seriously looming over my head since we just reached the year. I don't know how I will cope at that point.

hopeful_girl55 July 23rd, 2013 11:35 AM

Re: The Journey of a Lifetime
Today, is not a good day. I think every day I just get more depressed about the whole thing. Talking to my SO is like talking to a wall. Every time I bring the subject up he says it'll happen, or we will have kids babe, or just stop thinking about it and it will happen. UGH when he says that I want to punch him and then just start crying. I am so sad about this all the time and idk what to do about it anymore. I am at the point where I am ready to give up. Face the fact I won't have kids with out medical intervention and that's not something we can afford, especially because if it does work 9 months from then life is going to get really expensive. We wanted to do this the natural way, the way my body should be able to make it happen. That way we could save up for the baby and all that. I just don't think its going to happen. I don't think a baby is in the card for us. Usually I feel pretty good right around this time in my cycle but I just can't muster up and shred of hope, it's all gone. I have no body I go to, no one's shoulder to cry on. My BFF Kayla is always busy and she is the only outside of SO and JM that know we are trying. This is the most painful journey I have ever gone through. Why does it have to be this hard. What is wrong. I feel so full of questions with no way to get answers. Part of me wishes I could talk to SO more about it but he is just so nonchalant about it. I am sure he is probably being like that so both of us aren't upset about it but sometimes I just wish he was more upset! It would show me he cared that we aren't conceiving after a year and there is nothing we can do about it. He gets more excited about a car that drives by than me talking about all this.
I just feel so broken, and tired of dragging myself through this situation when I don't have any hope left.

hopeful_girl55 July 26th, 2013 01:01 PM

Re: The Journey of a Lifetime
So much stress this week. :(
I still haven't O'd and I am sure its the stress that is postponing it.
Hopefully I O soon!

hopeful_girl55 July 31st, 2013 11:50 AM

Re: The Journey of a Lifetime
I O'd. SO was sick the whole time so very little BDing got done.
I am really at the point where I want to give up. I am ready for this journey to be over and maybe it won't have such a happy ending. I have been thinking about going back on BC pills. I will keep debating until I get AF and if I decide I will, I'll start taking them when AF leaves. I am so upset about everything I feel so drained. Idk if I can do this anymore.

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:11 PM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.9
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0
Copyright © 2003-2012 JustMommies.com, All Rights Reserved.