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-   -   Feeling down (https://www.justmommies.com/forums/f273-ttc-after-recurrent-loss/1173654-feeling-down.html)

ShannonMVT July 31st, 2008 11:11 AM

Okay, I don't know if the Clomid is hitting me or if this is just normal TTC emotional crap or what but it all started hitting me last night. :( I had been feeling fairly optimistic and happy for about a week and now it's gone again.

I was thinking about watching my niece and how much I love her, but I still know it will be different when I have my own. Because, I'll have that bond from carrying them inside of me, knowing they are my baby and loving them so much from the get go.

And that got me thinking about my back up plan. I want to be a mom no matter what and my plan in the back of my mind has always been that if I can't have bio kids, then I would adopt. And that created kind of a safe feeling, like even if I don't get pregnant/have a baby, it will still be okay.

Well now I feel like that's NOT okay. I want with all my heart to get to have that bond while I'm pregnant. I want to experience pregnancy again and have it turn out the "right" way. I want all the things I didn't get to have with Thomas. I want little baby kicks and a baby shower and a big tummy and giving birth and breastfeeding and tiny little newborn feet. I want them so much and all I can think about is "what if I never get that?"

I know logically it's not even close to the end of the road for us. We still have a couple years of trying ahead of us before I'd consider stopping TTC. It's just hard to have faith right now that my dream will ever come true. I feel like I keep getting the short end of the stick over and over (whether that's true or not) and I'm not able to believe right now that it will ever happen for me. And it is breaking my heart. :(

beck12 July 31st, 2008 03:33 PM

Shannon - I have had MANY days like you are describing & I really didn't believe I would ever get there. I do hear you. I also think it IS healthy & normal to feel like this at times as long as it isn't ALL the time.

Let's talk about worst case scenario - that you go with your back-up plan of adopting.....it doesn't mean you don't get all of the things you want - you just get them differently. First of all there all kinds of adoptions - and if you end up doing a direct adoption you may very well get to go to ultrasounds & bond with the baby before it is born. Then the baby shower can be the same of course. As weird as it may sound - you CAN breastfeed an adopted baby if that means a lot to you & there are support groups & books & websites to assist you in making that a reality. The truth is that an adopted baby may not be born from your womb, but they ARE born from your heart. IF that were to be your path I have absolutely NO doubt that you would adore that child just as much even if you did not birth them.

On the rest of your post...I absolutely think this is likely Clomid related. Any hormone fluctuation can wreak havoc on us. I think it's normal to feel doubtful, bluesy, etc. Hang in there girlie - it will all be worth it when you get that sticky bean!

ShannonMVT July 31st, 2008 04:01 PM

Beckie, I guess I just had already started thinking we would do international adoption rather than domestic and be looking at a baby that would very likely be 9 months already. With domestic, I'd be so afraid of the birthmom changing her mind after the baby was born and then I'd have to go through more loss and pain. :( I hate the idea of being at the whim of someone who may have the same mindset as my SIL does.

I worry about being able to bond with an adopted baby. Before I just assumed it would be fine but now I'm not sure. Plus I hate the thought of not getting to do all the things I mentioned before. And I know that raising a child is more important than any of that, but it's still what my heart is longing for right now.

I'm sure I would probably reconcile to the idea of adoption if it did come to that. But right now it just seems so unthinkable. Which I guess is normal...because I'm not there yet. I just HATE all this so much. It hurts to want this so much and think that it might never happen.

It probably IS the Clomid. It's messing with me and my brain is along for the ride finding things to be upset about.

beck12 August 1st, 2008 06:39 AM

Well even with an international adoption I think you honestly don't need to worry about that. Even though it would be different in many regards than the overall process of how you end up with your own biological child - in the end it is the same thing - it is YOUR child. My sister adopted my niece at around 10 months & she had 2 bio children from before. She also had one failed private adoption prior. She still loves my niece the same as her other 2. She was worried about this too. But once they hand that child over to you & tell you that this child is YOURS - the child really is yours in your heart as well. Part of bonding with a child is certainly knowing that it is okay & that you are secure that this time it is for keeps. I know I loved Jonah before he was born, but I really couldn't feel like I was bonding with him until he was here. I think too I was guarded as I was afraid on so many levels.

I am sorry this is so heavy on your mind right now. I think it is great that you are tlaking it out though & getting it vented & worked through.

4iris August 1st, 2008 10:28 AM

Hormones are brutal, Shannon, but "extra" hormones can really throw you for a loop. Hang in there. I remember being an emotional mess on the progesterone (poor DH). It's going to be hard on you for a while, but you're strong and you have all of us here to support you as well. So when you can't be strong for yourself, come lean on us and we'll help you.

I wish I could come to Houston and give you hugs...but we'd sweat and stick together so that doesn't sound like it would help much. (hopefully that at least helped you crack a smile)

I learned a lot about my faith during my losses. I learned that I didn't realize what faith really was until that's all I had. I took a day, went to a beautiful and serene place (Precious Moments Chapel in Carthage, MO), and sat outside studying my Bible and reading "random" scriptures. God really spoke to me that day and showed me His comfort and strength. From that point on, I'd go to Him first when I was down and He'd pick me up (an unexpected call from a friend, a butterfly landing on my arm, the perfect post on JM, etc.). So lean on Him, trust in Him, and let Him carry your burden. My favorite scripture from this time has been in my siggy ever since. It was one I could recite when my world was crashing down around me and it always pulled me back up. Maybe you can find one that touches your heart like this did mine.


ShannonMVT August 1st, 2008 01:09 PM

Thanks ladies. And yes, K, you did make me smile. :smile:

I took my last Clomid pill last night so hopefully it will get better from here. Although now I'm kind of upset about things with my pregnant SIL. :(

Anyway, our internet is down (I'm at the library) so cross your fingers that Dh can fix it and I'll be around for chat on Sunday.

It really helps to have you here to help pick me up when I am having a bad day. All this stuff is just feeling very overwhelming lately.

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