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~*Jackie*~ June 3rd, 2009 11:21 AM

Jackie's TTC Journal
Wellllllll, I've noticed how popular this journal section is- and it was NOT this popular a year ago, so although it's been forever since my TTC journey began, I think I will go ahead and let it all out to you all. :p I did start a TTC blog at the beginning of the year (link in my siggy), so I may cross post from time to time, but I'll use this one as the day-to-day stuff... or at least I'll try!!

Let's see- I guess I'll give a little background! Here goes *clears throat*:

I'm 27 years old, and my hubby and love of my life is 28 (he will be 29 in July). We are high school sweethearts to the greatest extent. We met when I was a sophomore in high school (we went to a school picnic together in May of that year [1997]), but we didn't officially start dating exclusively until September 26, 1997. So yes, this will be 12 years that we've been together. We were married October 9, 2004, and will be celebrating our special 5 year wedding Anniversary this fall. :wub:

We had always told our parents and relatives that we had a "5 year rule"... once we were married, the rule was "no pets, no kids, 5 years." And honestly, that's what most of our family, and my MIL and FIL still believe. This has alleviated any questioning about kids, etc., which has helped me in my TTC journey a LOT. I decided at my yearly appointment with the OBGYN in August of 2007 that it was time to stop BCP. I didn't talk to DH about it, and actually did take a script for BCP, but when I got home I laid it all on the line. I was ready to start trying. He was hesitant. He was totally ok with me stopping BCP to get things back to normal (I'd been on BCP for 9ish years), but he wasn't ready to DTD without protection without another preventative "method". By late November, early December, only a few months later, he was ready to start trying too *yay*, so we officially started trying in December 2007. We both really thought, when AF was missing, that we might have gotten pregnant in Dec. 2007. We talked about how we would let our families know over Christmas, etc. Needless to say, that was my first taste of heartbreak, and realization that this may be a longer journey.

I had been back and forth with my OB/GYN after AF went missing, and was given Provera to bring her back. I had another 3 cycles that were "normal", in the sense that they were normal lengths, and I had started charting within the last 2 of those cycles [and that's when I found JM thank GOD] and they seemed to be ovulatory, but the next month was another annovulatory cycle. I again went back to my OB/GYN and got Provera to bring back the witch. This time, since it had been 8 months of TTC, I left with a script for Clomid, aka evil pill.

I took Clomid for 4 months total, but 3 months consecutively. After the 3rd month, and from what I've read about its effectiveness after 3 months if you aren't pregnant, we decided to have an s/a done on DH and an ovary break for me. DH's test came back normal, which was a relief, and we continued off of Clomid through the holidays. Clomid made me irritable, bloated, insane headaches, and I just wanted to be free of that over the holidays. Luckily, my body continued to ovulate. In January, my OB/GYN sent me in for an HSG, and that came back "normal". I decided to give Clomid one more shot, and made an appointment with an RE finally, in hopes I could cancel it due to a BFP. March 17 was my first RE appointment. DH went with me, and he went over all kinds of things plus my HSG results. I had the HSG done at his hospital, so he pulled the images right up on the computer screen! He was baffled why the report showed "normal", since my right tube showed a large bulge of dye that was being prevented from spilling out of my tube. :rolleyes: It is like if you took the end of a hose, which was pushing water out, but you restrict it with your finger.. it sprays straight out with force, but isn't spilling out nicely. I cried a LOT that day. My RE ordered bloodwork, a baseline u/s for the following cycle, and DH another s/a because he wasn't totally ok with his first numbers either.

My bloodwork came back normal (yay), my u/s only showed a small cyst on my left ovary and a small fibroid in the front of my uterus, which is small enough that he's not concerned- my OB/GYN had told me about it a year ago, and happily, it hasn't grown. DH's s/a was better as far as total numbers, but his morphology was what my RE considers low- so he has to get that done again in the next few months. *sigh* Sooooo back to the drawing board.

The next part of my ttc journey comes from pain around AF time. During Clomid cycles, the pain was minimal, but with all of these cycles with no meds, the pain has been insane. It started in May 2008, and I actually went to the hospital and had a CT scan done because my PCP thought it was my appendix. My appendix was fine, and 2 days later, the pain was gone.. I soon went on Clomid and the pain issue didn't come up again until late last year. Now, each period gets worse, as far as pain is concerned, and finally last month, my OB/GYN gave me a script for pain meds. It was the only way I made it through my last AF. My RE and my OB/GYN agree that it's endo, and it needs to be taken care of before we can start any infertility treatments. My OB would gladly do the laparascopy, but the tube also needs fixed up, and he preferred that the RE do it since it's more of his specialty. When I went to my last RE appointment last month, he referred me to one of his colleagues to do the surgery, as it will consist of a laparoscopy to hopefully remove endo, a hysteroscopy to go through and check my uterus and such, and a chromopertubation, which is like an HSG, but done while they are in there and can physically watch the dye. I'm less than thrilled to *need* this stuff, but extremely anxious to get it done, and praying to be done with the monthly pain!!

Moving forward:

My next appointment is on June 24, with the surgeon that will do these procedures. I couldn't get in ANY earlier, believe me, or I would have! I am required to do a consultation with him to go over everything before scheduling the surgery. I am hoping with all I've got to get this surgery done next cycle. June 24 will be right around the time AF will be due or just starts, and I just highly doubt I'll be able to get in within 2 weeks from then, so I'm thinking it won't be for another month +. I'm doing this cycle meds free again, per my RE, and just keeping the hope up that either I get a magical BFP this cycle and don't have to do anything further, OR, that I have a surgery scheduled for July by the end of this month.

If you've made it this far, I congratulate you. It's truly a long entry, but I wanted to give you all the full story and let you know what I'm going through and doing at the moment. :) I'm currently on Cycle day 12, and hoping to ovulate within the next week. My body has ovulated every cycle since starting Clomid, so to me, that is progress in itself! ;) Now everyone can understand that I'm on cycle 15, but month 19 due to those darn long cycles early on. From here on out, I'll try to make my entries a lot shorter and more fun! :p

♥Ashley♥ June 3rd, 2009 11:48 AM

Re: Jackie's TTC Journal
You have been through so much Jackie I really hope you get a miracle BFP before you have to schedule the procedures! But if not, this may be the only thing that was holding you guys back and it will be fixed! Im really crossing my fingers for you!!!!!!!

angel3y35 June 3rd, 2009 12:00 PM

Re: Jackie's TTC Journal
I know it may not be much of a consolation and surgery is never fun but the surgery isn't bad. There is some gas pain since they blow you up like a balloon and bending over is impossible for a couple of days. I've had it done twice and I have a feeling next Monday the Dr. is going to say time for it again. Crossing my fingers you get your BFP and don't need it though.


Takinabreak June 3rd, 2009 12:03 PM

Re: Jackie's TTC Journal

Originally Posted by ♥Ashley♥ (Post 16073264)
You have been through so much Jackie I really hope you get a miracle BFP before you have to schedule the procedures! But if not, this may be the only thing that was holding you guys back and it will be fixed! Im really crossing my fingers for you!!!!!!!

:ditto: to what Ashley said. You have been through so much and deserve a BFP without having to go through all this! Either way, you're on the path toward one and hopefully it wont be too long! Yay for starting a journal and good luck with the procedures you have lined up!

~Caroline~ June 3rd, 2009 12:08 PM

Re: Jackie's TTC Journal
I agree with the ladies above. You deserve this so much and I really hope you will get your bfp soon.

pmwjones June 3rd, 2009 12:26 PM

Re: Jackie's TTC Journal
Wow! Very inspiring!! You have gone through a LOT. I really hope you get your BFP this cycle!!!!! Your story makes me step back and be so thankful. This is my 1st cycle TTC so I am not really sure how my journey is going to be. But I know that things can happen...but we have doctors and such to help us in any way they can. I wish you the best and hope you don't have to do the surgery!!!!

~*Jackie*~ June 3rd, 2009 12:29 PM

Re: Jackie's TTC Journal
Thanks so much, ladies!!

@ Paige- thanks for letting me know your experience. I know a couple other ladies here (as well as in the TTC w/ medical assistance forum that I'm active in) that have had it done and basically said the same thing. :)

To be truthful, I'm not really nervous for the pain of the procedure- I'm more nervous of what the results are and if I am fixable. The pain I've gone through every month has probably upped my pain tolerance a LOT. I used to cry (and still get REALLY nervous) just to get a cavity filled, but lately, with this crazy pain, I feel like I could get through anything. Bring on childbirth! :lol: I just want to get the surgery done already! :D

Coley June 3rd, 2009 12:49 PM

Re: Jackie's TTC Journal
Wow! What a story!!

First, don't ever apologize for your journal entries being long. This is your journal where you come to express your thoughts, worries, concerns and joys. We are all simply your honored guests that you have graciously chosen to share these intimate details with. Personally, I thank you for sharing this part of your life with me. This can be such a difficult thing for so many women, as we are all proof, and I am so thankful that I have ladies such as yourself to commune with.

Now... the silver lining in all of this, to me, is that you know exactly what the problem areas are, you have a detailed plan and, it seems, a knowledgeable crew ready to step in and perform the corrections needed. I know it sucks to even need something like this, but at least it is correctable. :D

It sounds like the "gassy" bit will be similar to what I experienced when I had my colonoscopy. It really wasn't too terrible, the worst part was when I woke up. The tech guy told me basically to fart to get the air out. I told him I thought I had to use the bathroom. He said "that's normal, just push the air out." I said "Oohkay" and what do you know... I crapped the bed! HA HA!! I didn't feel bad either... I warned him!!

Back when I was having a lot of digestive health problems, I went from 210lbs to 125lbs without dieting, exercising or trying. I know, I know... it sounds great and people always say "Oh poor you" right? Well, it sucked *****! I was in constant pain, everything I ate caused pain, I had bm's anywhere from 12-24 times a day that were never solid, when I used to have a bm maybe twice a WEEK. It was horrible, and don't even talk about my cycle. Puhlease! My eggs must've looked at me and said "Yeah, right!"

So while the medical issues are different ones, I feel a bit of kinship with you in that respect. I am crossing all my crossables and hoping for a :bfp: for you!

~*Jackie*~ June 3rd, 2009 01:05 PM

Re: Jackie's TTC Journal
:wub: And I appreciate you sharing your experience, Nikki! You're right- our situations are different, but they have a lot in common. I agree that having ladies here to be able to share this stuff with is totally necessary! I was going insane for the few months that I didn't know what my body was doing- pre JM time for me. Once I found this place, I was less stressed and felt more grounded. That's part of the reason of starting the journal. I recently blogged (yesterday I think in fact) that this past weekend I started going back into the depressed out-of-control world of ttc, and I had to stop for a minute. I have a forum FULL of ladies that can share the same stories, hardships, and tears... so doing this is one way to put away that "woe is me" attitude, and staying positive. I truly love this place so much, and I appreciate your kind words and support!

KDD June 3rd, 2009 01:07 PM

Re: Jackie's TTC Journal
I'm glad that you started a journal Jackie. I knew some of your history but not all of it. I hope that your consultation with the surgeon goes well and that hopefully you can get in for surgery quickly.

~*Jackie*~ June 3rd, 2009 01:17 PM

Re: Jackie's TTC Journal
Thanks, Kimberley! Once I typed it all out, I thought "holy cow"... there's a lot more to it than I thought really. :lol: I think I try to block most of it out!!

Ash June 3rd, 2009 01:57 PM

Re: Jackie's TTC Journal
Jackie....although I knew most of that story already, I appreciate you taking the time to put it out there. It is good to have a different perspective of this journey because you and I both know it's not rainbows and butterflies. You have *almost* inspired me to post a journal. Maybe I will work on that soon...

~*Jackie*~ June 3rd, 2009 02:04 PM

Re: Jackie's TTC Journal
Hehe, thanks Ash. I hope that my story can be super inspiring one day with two little pink lines at the end... but until then, it's a journey that now everyone is going to be involved with!! Like I've mentioned, hardly anyone in my "real life" knows about our journey... I could name everyone that knows on 2 hands... so it is amazing to have the support here, which is why I've finally opened up and let it all out there at once, rather than in pieces in the form of little tantrums that I usually have. :)

Christine-MA June 3rd, 2009 02:06 PM

Re: Jackie's TTC Journal
I'm sooo bad at following journals, but I will try to peek in and follow you! You've been through so much, but I really think the more you know the better, and hopefully it gets you a BFP very soon!

~*Jackie*~ June 3rd, 2009 02:09 PM

Re: Jackie's TTC Journal
Follow away, Christine!! :D I love familiar face....er... names! :p I don't think I'll have any problems keeping at this. It is my own little venting and celebrating world! I'm actually really excited!!

tiffanys June 3rd, 2009 02:48 PM

Re: Jackie's TTC Journal
Thank you so much for sharing your story! You have been through so much, and you are truly an inspiration! I'm so sorry you have had to go through so much during your TTC journey, but I'm sure once you see those 2 pink lines it will all prove to be worthwhile! I will be praying for you and I hope you get your BFP very soon... Hopefully before the surgery, but if not very soon after!
I noticed in your original post that you said Thank God for JM, and I must say I agree...it is so nice to have such a huge support system as JM and so many wonderful ladies rooting each of us on through our TTC journey!
Best of luck to you, I will be following your journal for updates!

chrissy323 June 3rd, 2009 03:41 PM

Re: Jackie's TTC Journal
Hey Jackie! After everything that you have been through, I am crossing everything imaginable that your surgery comes quickly and goes well! YOu deserve your BFP girl and I really really hope that this surgery is all that you need to get it! Good luck sweetie:)

ca_dawson June 3rd, 2009 04:59 PM

Re: Jackie's TTC Journal
I'm so glad you decided to start a journal Jackie! As I was reading through, I was thinking "Sounds like she has endo." Then I got to the part where you talked about it being endo. As a fellow endo sufferer I can definitely relate to the pain that comes with periods. Funny thing is I used to think it was normal! I know what its like to be incapacitated by a stupid period and it isn't fun. My lap recovery wasn't fun, the gas pain is the worst part. I could hardly move, but surgery-wise, its not the worst recovery. I felt like someone had played basketball with my insides though. Not trying to scare you or anything. Alot of people's recovery isn't that bad. After about 2 weeks I was better. Hopefully the surgery is just what you need to get your BFP! My gyn said that the first 6 months post surgery is the best time to get pg after you get all "cleaned out." My first post op period was like a dream! I couldn't believe how much pain I had been living with. I hope the surgery helps you too. I can't wait to see you get your BFP!

hearts.0nfire June 3rd, 2009 05:00 PM

Re: Jackie's TTC Journal
I really hope things work out and you get your bfp soon. You really really deserve it!

bittersweet June 3rd, 2009 05:10 PM

Re: Jackie's TTC Journal
Wow Jackie. You have been through so much. I hope that with these surgeries, your pain is relieved and become pregnant.

I too suffer from painful AFs and I fear it is most likely Endo. But at this point I'm not ready to investigate just yet. I have been drinking red rasberry leaf tea during/right before AF and it has helped a lot (along with meds of course).

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