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MrsPoe February 11th, 2008 05:05 AM

So I guess I thought this might be a good idea to start getting all of my emotions out. I go through so many different feelings each and every month.

Sorry this is going to be so long for the first entry.

I am not new to ttc, and I am not new to a loss. Dh and I got married in July of 2002 and have been ttc ever since Feb. of 2002. We did get pregnant after a couple of years together, but I mc'd not long after I found out. Then another year later I got pregnant again. It took over 8 weeks to get a + hpt because I had a blighted ovum. Finally Oct. 27th, 2006 I got the most beautiful 2 pink lines on an hpt. I was so excited and scared all at the same time. It came at the most wonderful time because I had just found out one week before that my uncle had committed suicide. My parents and sister were flying in for his funeral and to be with family. We told them our news, and although it didn't take away the pain of losing my uncle it did help a little to know that our family was growing. I was super scared of this pregnancy because I hadn't been taking great care of my diabetes. I was told that I would probably never have children and over a year and a half later the bfp was a huge surprise! So I instantly started controlling my bloodsugars and got in to see the dr. She gave me all kinds of h*ll about my diabetes, but as my numbers kept getting better and better she started to come around. I actually started to like my dr that I originally hated because she was the one that told me I wouldn't get pregnant on my own.

So as the months went on I started to get more and more excited. Dh and I felt her give one real big kick at 1 day short of 22 weeks. It was the most exciting feeling in the world. I went in for my routine u/s and found out that our instinct was right, we were having a little girl. At 25 weeks I was worried that I wasn't feeling her move much, but the dr.s told me it was ok as long as there was movement. I was planning to go to Florida to see family so I made an appt. to get in before I left. I saw a different dr. and he took a while to find her heartbeat, and it was much lower than normal. He found it and said that it was fine for me to leave on a plane. I really wanted and pushed for an u/s but he said they would do one when I got back home, only 11 days later. If only I had said I wasn't leaving until they did an u/s, she might be here with us now. Anyways I went on my vacation and it just didn't feel right at all. I knew something was wrong. I was so scared, but the dr's even hooked me up to the monitor while I was there, they should have but didn't put the baby on the monitor.

April 13th, 2007 (27w3d) I went in for my scheduled u/s with dh. They took us back and the tech didn't show us her hearbeat, didn't say anything. I knew, just knew something was wrong. She went to get the dr. and he came back and told me those devastating words. There is no heartbeat. I got up and just hugged and cried and on my dh. They came in and told us our options. We could wait, or be induced. I went home because I needed to think about it. I just couldn't wait. He said it could take a month, I didn't want to wait a month knowing that my baby had died inside of me. I called my family and told them what we found out. My sister was trying to find a flight home to be with me. I went into the hospital at 4pm that evening and they started me on pills to induce at 5pm. By the next day my sister had arrived and we were just waiting for my mom's flight to come in. Every few hours they put another pill in. Saturday night I started having real pain, but chose not to have the epi. Nobody understood that I wanted to feel everything. I wanted to know what it was like to give birth. I couldn't help but to think that I would never get that chance again and I could endure any pain, all I could think of was the pain that my baby girl must have felt. Finally my mom got up to the hospital and at 3:59am April 15th, 2007 Abigail was born silently into this world. As I held my daughter in my arms, I realized that I was finally a mother but I would never hear her call me "mommy". Oh the physical pain all went away as I held her in my arms. She was perfect, 10 little toes and 10 little fingers. She had a head full of hair. She weighed 1lb 11oz and was 14 inches long.

Since that horrible weekend things have not been the same. I found out that I have 2 blood clotting disorders. If they just would have tested me for these after my mc's my Abby could be here now. It infuriates me that I would have had to have one more mc before they would have done the testing. I have APS (antiphospholipid syndrome and am homozygous for mthfr). I take a baby aspirin a day for the rest of my life, along with 5 mg of folic acid. I also take a prenatal vitamin while ttc. I am on the insulin pump now, and I have been doing really well keeping my diabetes under control because I have been hopeful of getting another bfp. If I get a bfp again I will be starting injections of Lovenox. It has been 10 months now, 8 months of ttc and all bfn's. It is really starting to take its toll on my marriage and my mental health. I desperately need to have a baby in my arms to bring home with me and to give all of this love to. I will do whatever it takes to have a healthy little one.

So I have also since then learned that I also have pcos. I can't take the metformin because I am already on insulin. So last month I tried an herbal remedy. It is called Maca Root. It has really seemed to help regulate my cycles a little more. I started in on cd6, O'd on cd 17, had a 14 day LP, and only a 32 day cycle. Unfortantely dh and I were arguing and didn't get any bd'ing in last month, but I am hopeful that it will work this month. I am trying to wait until the summer before I give the clomid a try. We are too worried about the chance of multiples. I definitely don't need any more risks than what I already have.

Sorry so long, next one will be just an update. :-) Today is cd4, so I am hoping to O between Feb. 22 and 26th. I should be testing around March 6th if AF isn't here.

MrsPoe February 17th, 2008 07:32 AM

Well I am on cd 10 now. My opk's are still negative. I keep feeling like I am pregnant, but nothing is showing that. It just feels strange. Maybe it has something to do with the Maca that I am taking, I don't know. Dh and I tried to bd, but he didn't "finish", so now I just have to get him to do his job every other day for the next week! I am hoping that he will at least dtd on the day that my opk goes +. It is so frustrating that he is not co-operating with me. I know that he is scared of me getting pregnant, but I need this more than anything else. I am scared too, but it is just a chance I have to take. I wish men could understand us better, but I guess they grieve differently. I am still hopeful this month. I am not trying to stress over it, because if it doesn't happen this month I might be going on clomid soon. I am a little nervous to start clomid because of my fibroid tumors and cysts, but I will do whatever it takes to get a bfp!!

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