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starryeyes22 February 2nd, 2006 06:52 AM

My fiance is headstrong for an abortion and I do not want to have one. I thought that maybe I wanted to have one because we already have 2 kids and are miles high in debt. But why would he want to do this just because things are going to get alittle tighter than it already is. I dont know what to do. I feel like if i do have one we will break up and if I dont then he will walk out on us. I am 21 and in school and although I will finish out the semester I wont be able to go back for awhile. He will probably have to get another job while I stay at home, and he has already said that he is not up for working two jobs. Right now I hate him. I wish that I would have a miscarriage soemtimes so I dont have to make this deciscion. We might have to move out of our 3bedroom TH to a 2 bedroom apartment and things will be more cramped. Its like We cant see the forest for the friggin' trees, you know? I love him with my whole heart but I am really thinking about leaving and jsut going into public housing until I can get myself together. I am so confused and angry. I have totally lost my appetite and i know i need to eat but I am so sad for my baby. Any advise would be great I have no clue what to do right now.

MirandasMommy February 2nd, 2006 07:15 AM

(((Hug))) Well I can definitely relate to your fiance wanting the abortion. Mine has been talking about it 24/7 since I found out I was pregnant a few days ago. I am 20 years old and also in school, and he feels that our "lives our ruined" because I'll have to take time off from school. His friend told him to leave me because I won't have an abortion, but of course he's not going to, but even thinking about that hurts. Our situation will also be tight, but I know we can manage, and so can you! We are also in debt with a credit card, but I know that everything will work out. Remember, it is your body and your choice, and that if he loves you then he will support your decision even if it's not what he wanted. Don't abandon ship yet though. Even if he's a stubborn and hard-headed as my fiance, still sit down with him and express how you feel about the whole situation. I'll keep you in my prayers!

starryeyes22 February 2nd, 2006 07:31 AM

Thank you so much. I feel all out of sorts right now. one minute Im crying and then i am happy but then I remember what my options are looking like. I am sorry that you are also going through this tough time. Its like we should be happy and celebrating. But all we do is fight which leaves me exhausted in the end. I fell like waving my white flag, but I also feel like I must fight for my baby's life. He/she didnot ask for us to have her/him and I fell like we must do right be our decscion that led us to this point. I totally understand the credit card debt, us too! But i told him that if you really want something then you would find away to make it happen. Maybe Im just emotional right now. i will also keep you in my prayers. Lately I have been finding that all i can do is pray anyway besides crying. I want to just put my foot down and say no, but then what will happen. I know he is going to be pissed.

MirandasMommy February 2nd, 2006 07:44 AM

Something else that might help you is talking to his/your family about the situation. I talked to my mother in law (whom I don't really like that much) but she made me feel tons better about my fiance pounding abortion. She said just to give him time to adjust to the situation at hand. My fiance is okay about the baby until someone stupid (like his friends for example) tell him that our lives our "ruined", which is complete bull crap. I'm going Tuesday for my first u/s to see how far along I am. The nurse said about a month. I told my fiance that and he seemed excited, so just give your fiance some time. And remember...you are not alone!!

momma06 February 2nd, 2006 08:33 AM

You shouldn't have to give up your baby just because the father doesn't want to work a little harder to make things work. That's just pure laziness. If you have sex you should be ready to take responsibilty for the consequences. At least your not one of the people who have like 5 kids and only makes $250/month!! I hope everything comes together for you and you make the right decision that will make you and your baby happy.

Mom2DyJessAva February 2nd, 2006 08:47 AM

I think you should give him time and hopefully he'll come around..when i first found out i was pregnant he told me i should think about abortion and that we should at least talk about it..that night i couldnt even talk about it..i looked at tons of sites and wondered how someone could do it..he sent me a site about people who didnt regret it.. i was pissed!!...i told him no that i couldnt do it.. he's fine with it now..even though it is hard holding back on how excited i am for this little one...i hope hell come around for u and become excited about the baby :) wish u the best of luck

ksk February 2nd, 2006 09:58 AM

I can understand how you feel but for different circumstances. My DH and I have been married for almost 20 years and already had 2 children. We didn't plan on having anymore and were very comfortable with our lives. I became pg at 41 while using BC. Neither of us wanted the pg, at first. I even went as far as scheduling a termination. I realized that I couldn't go through with it. Not so much that I wanted another child but I just couldn't do it. My DH wasn't happy about my choice but understood that it was my body and my decision. There was also the fear of problems due to my age at the time of the pg. I chose to have genetic testing and thankfully he's perfectly healthy. DH was not happy about the pg until I was nearing the end then something just changed. I can honestly say that our youngest child has been an absolute joy and neither of us could imagine not having him but there were some adjustments that we had to deal with. DH is probably closer with this child than he was with our other two at this age. If you don't want to terminate the pg then don't! You will find a way to work things out, with or without your BF. If he can't understand how you feel then maybe there's something lacking in the relationship to begin with. Give him time but stick to whatever decision that YOU decide is best. I know that it's easier for me to say this because my circumstances are different. I'm married and financially stable. I just think that you will have a difficult time dealing with your emotions if you are forced to do something that you don't agree with. BTW I'm very pro-choice. Good luck with everything.

mrobinson February 2nd, 2006 11:09 AM


You shouldn't have to give up your baby just because the father doesn't want to work a little harder to make things work. I hope everything comes together for you and you make the right decision that will make you and your baby happy.[/b]

brigitte February 2nd, 2006 12:20 PM

Hey Kristyn...I'm so sorry you have to go through all that with your guy. If you're not comfortable having an abortion, then too bad for him! You'll regret it if it's not something YOU want to do. You have two kids now, what makes him or you think you can't handle another one? :smile: Sounds like you're a strong cookie, so whether he decides to be a poopoo head and walk out or not, you can make it.
For one, debt can ALWAYS be reversed. You should see about making an appointment with your personal banker asap, explain the situation, and see if there's a way to minimize your debt or do a debt consolidation loan for your credit card and anyother debt you may have. This will bring down your interest rates (because we all know how much credit cards rip us off!!) and you can set up manageable monthly, or bi-weekly payments. Yes, it may seem like it'll take soooo long to pay off, but it'll free up some other money for you guys to be able to manage another little one in the house.
You have two kids already, so I'm sure you've got a crib, and all the big stuff you need for a little baby (and if not, hand-me-downs and second hand stores will save you!) so you shouldn't have any problems there. The first year for a baby is relatively cheap...You can save money by breast feeding (free!!). You'll also be home for a year or so on maternity leave or whatnot, so if your kids are in day care now, you can keep them at home for that year that you'll be home with the new little one. That's a lot of money saved right there! Plus family and friends are a great asset to have! They'll be there to help you out. Loved ones will never let you or your kids go without.

Trust me, there's always a way to get it done. When we first found out about this little beaner, my man was actually jobless and there were moments where he wasn't exactly thrilled about having this little one. But he worked really hard at getting a good job and now he's making double what I make at my job (that jerk!!hehe oh well, he can support my a** then!! JK!) and he couldn't be happier about the baby now! Once you guys get all your finances figured out, and decide on how you guys will manage the home and job situation with a new little one around, he should come around. He's probably just scared of the unknown right now. Men usually like numbers, facts, and a set game plan.

Just remember, you're not alone, even if he does end up leaving. You've got your kids, and there are so many support groups out there that can help you manage. Take care and good luck!!!

starryeyes22 February 3rd, 2006 06:07 AM

I actually did talk to his mom, because I didnt know what else to do, and later I sent him pictures of how an abortion looked, exactly what it was and complications. his friends didnt say that was what he needed to do but they have experienced abortions before and one of his friends said that he had many before. I was so stunned. So I felt kinda defeated. But later on last night we really talked and I told him that this was so cruel and that I didnt think I would ever be the same or want to have any other kids, because of this and he again explained his position and finally after much debate .....WE ARE GONNA HAVE A BABY!!! I am excited and I still have a little fear in my mind because i know he is nervous. I guess I should clarify my two kids are from a previous mariage and so this is his first. So I got him to admit it was more him being scared and failing at being a dad than anything else. Did any of you go through that with DH or fiance/boyfriends? Why are they so scared? It is a joyful experience, and I only wanted him to experience this and do what is right. I used to think I was pro choice, but I am not so sure anymore, especially since I was close to going through with it. I set up an appointment too. Northcutt2b I really hope that he comes to the light and wants to do this. I have and wil keep praying for you.

happymommyof1 February 3rd, 2006 07:07 AM

ohh sweetie! im so happy for you! and just so you know, its totally normal for him to be fearful of being a dad.. its a huge deal! he s going to be responsible for this little person for everything from now on.. he cant only think for himself anymore, was his father around when he grew up? that could be a factor... i have a 14 month old and i still get fearful at times about the fact that, my son isnt going to go away. he is here until he is 18 years old... i was outside smoking and i saw children walking to the school bus and i was stunned o realized that im going to have to get kids up in time to make an 8am bus! im not a morning person, so.. what he is feeling is normal, and in time.. you will start having the same fears... its parenting! plus, the fact that his life will be totally changing, hes going to have a baby... a lot different than kids...

starryeyes22 February 3rd, 2006 11:08 AM

happymommyof1, i never thought about the whole his dad thing. His dad wasnt there or it was sporatic when he did come. Whenever he talks about him I can hear the anger in his voice. I guess He didnt want to mess up since this will be his own baby, not that he neglects my kids or anything. He asked alot of questions so do you tink I should go get a pregnancy book so we can read together, so it will be our first time together. He is so excited now that that fear is gone. I am excited too, well nervous more than excited. You would think id be a vet or something but I feel so anxious every little cramp i worry. LOl i sound silly right now.

brigitte February 3rd, 2006 11:50 AM

Hey! Congrats and good for you for standing up for yourself!
His fear is totally normal. My man's dad wasn't really in the picture either, and so I know he was really scared about turning out like him. I just asked him one day what made him think he was anything like his old man? He's not abusif, he's not a deadbeat...That just opened his eyes a little. He was like, "yeah, you know what? I always told myself that I would never be like him and that I'd be there for my kids. I'm not like him!"
Now he's really excited! He even gets really touchy when I accidentally say "my baby" instead of "our baby" !!
I think it's a great idea for you guys to get a book! In fact, for x-mas I bought my man "the idiots guide to fatherhood"...and I've read it, and it's great! It goes through everything that a woman is going through, emotional and physical. It also tells guys how to prepare for a little one, what needs to be done, how to properly take care of a pregnant girl...it's awesome!!! There are some really great books like that out there. And for yourself, I'd recomment "Girlfriend's guide to pregnancy"....IT'S HILLARIOUS!! And tells you like it is, from a real woman's point of view, not a doctor's. It's fabulous!!

Good luck honey! And I'm soooo happy to hear he's coming around! How wonderful is that!!! Now, drink lots of milk, eat lots of yummy food and get lots of rest! After all, this is YOUR time to shine!!!

momie2006 February 6th, 2006 06:45 PM

Hi.... I figure I can give you another side of this. I'm so sorry that this is happening...I really am. My husband and I were trying to get pregnant after having a miscarriage for almost a year. We finally got pregnant and now were having a little girl. I know this may not be what you or your fiance might have wanted at this time....but I am a firm believer that eveything happens for a reason. Look at us... we are from New Orleans and were hit by hurricane Katrina. We lost a lot....My business... parts of the house...my sister's house...everything had 3 to 4 feet of water. Through all this I got pregnant. Did I think it was the right time???? Probably not but God knows what he is doing and I promise it will work out. I would hate for you to do something like that because ... many people out there really want kids and just think....YOU WILL regret it for the REST OF YOU LIFE. Just think when you look at your other kids....it could have been one of them :) I wish the best for you and I hope you make the right decision. He'll come around!!!!

JuneBug2006 February 6th, 2006 08:51 PM

So happy that he came around, that is awesome!

My hunny, although we had been together for quite some time, was super worried about our pregnancy. It was planned but planned for about 2 years from now! So we weren't completely expecting to be parents THIS year!......

It can take time sometimes but trust me, he will never regret his decision to have this baby with you in the long run!

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