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great_expectations February 19th, 2005 08:00 PM

Hi everyone,
My name is Julie, I'm new here. I'm 20...as of 2 1/2hrs ago. I need some advice because all the science in the world won't help me now. I'm in a bad situation. I need to explain circumstances.

I was raped new year. I waited to take pregnancy tests and when the time came I took 3 (all within the same week) They were all negative. The two days before my period was due I bled on and off for 4 days. I thought that maybe I was out of sync because the **%$!* had messed up my insides. I thought nothing more of it, thought I'm not pregnant and I need to get on with my life.

Now here I am a month later and I have no idea what's going on. My mother told me that she took pregnancy tests with all her children and they were all negative before two months. In fact her doctor told her she was in the menopause with her last pregnancy and then it turned out she was 3 months pregnant! Needless to sya she found a new doctor after that. She told me not to bother taking them but I did and never told her. Anyway, it's been 8 weeks since my last normal period. My body is acting strangely....very strangely.

There's a few things that are confusing me. I've always been very thin, turn side-ways I disappear kind of thing. Now, although with all the stress and trauma I've lost 6lbs, my jeans won't close, the buttons pop open! My stomach is swolen...noticeable to those who know me. I'm still thin but there's a bump and it's not flabby it's firm...it's a swelling. I'm running to the toilet every 2 minutes, I'm exhausted all the time and yet I can't sleep. My dad actually asked me today was I pregnant...that's not good, he knows what happened but he didn't know my suspicions. He just noticed the bump. I've noticed stretch marks accross my chest and tenderness. I've been extremely nauseous in the last week, especially around mid-day and evening. I just feel a lot of general discomfort and oh yea I've had the whole constipation thing too. So I don't know whether I'm being paranoid and that I should rule pregnancy out, I mean it could be anything....couldn't it? I'm still waiting for various hospital tests to come back. I'm just really scared and confused and these symptoms are a bit co-incadental to my mind, but I've never been pregnant before so I don't know.

I'm going to take another test tommorrow. In the meantime can anyone tell me am I completely nuts to ignore bleeding and negative tests? My mind is at unease. Has anybody had similar experiences? I am so scared right now.Thanks, Julie.

TylerJ1029 February 19th, 2005 08:07 PM

(((((HUGS))))) If you had a hospital blood test then it will come back with accurate results. I'm not sure when exactly you tested the first time so it may have been to early to test. Also some women do spot/bleed and are still pregnant. I'm very sorry you have to go through this. I hope you get the results that you want. Please stick around. We have a wonderful support group here.

great_expectations February 19th, 2005 09:19 PM

Thankyou so much for replying, I deeply appreciate any advice I can get, I need words of wisdom. I really am alone in this.

I didn't want to be too graphic, but I just realised you're all probably used to it what with being women and everything. I haven't given enough info.

I took the tests from the day I started bleeding and all within the same days. One was the blue....what's it called...well y'know the one. The other two were ealy detection tests I ordered online non-branded...I'm less likely to trust them.

Anway, the bleeding was unusal for three reasons.
1)I'm always on time, period was due on the 26th jan and I started bleeding on the morning of the 24th.
2) I die every month, it gets so bad that I have to take a week off. 2days before my period and the next 5. I didn't have the same cramps, I had cramps but they were different kinds of cramps, I could handle them without painkillers (which I always try avoid taking if at all possible) It was like a stitch.
3) The bleeding was erratic. It started as just water only slightly tinted pink, it hardly was noticeable except for the white liner, there was harldy any. Then it stopped completely for the whole day. The next morning I woke up and I had bled during the night, it looked like the start of a normal period, I had bled quite heavily (for me) during the night. The bleeding then stopped and it was just some pink stains, very slight almost unnoticeable for 2 days. I didn't bleed at all after that. It completely stopped within 3 days.

Normally, it starts heavy straight away and continues for three days like that, then on day 4 and 5 it subsides and by days 6 and 7 I'm hardly bleeding at all.

Now, a month on I should be expecting another period this week. I have my doubts about getting it though. I have gone from a size 8 to a size 12 in jeans in two months. Yet I 've lost 6lbs. My shape has changed, I have a definite bump and I've gone up a bra size. I'm still thin everywhere else though, no weigh gain. My biggest fear is that I was pregnant and miscarried. I know I should go and see a doctor, only I've been in and out of hospital non-stop and traumatised by all the poking of me. I don't want to ever see another gynocologist for as long as I live. I can't handle it, I give them my consent to do whatever tests they need to and then the minute they try, I start screaming and crying and kicking, totally hysterical. It's so involuntary. After the bleeding I told the doctors I had my period, because that's what I thought...just a weird period. They hav taken over 3 pints of blood from me. Would they check it anyway for pregnancy?

If I am, I can cope, if I'm not I can cope. My great expectations are just to know. A life is a gift, regardless of circumstances. My parents aren't being supportive. They don't agree with my thinking. If there's a baby, I don't consider the baby a rapist's child, I consider the baby God's child because something good from something bad is nothing short of a miracle. A life is good and positive and it's not my fault if I'm pregnant and it's not the baby's fault either. I will opt for raising the child myself or adoption but abortion is out of the question.

Anyway, please, am I deluding myself? am I being paranoid? Is there a chance that I am? I'm going to take a test tommorrow... I don't really know why I'm writing this, I need answers other than scientific ones I guess. I'm in over my head, need to hear a voice of experience.

1Bow&2Bowties Mama February 19th, 2005 09:57 PM

(((((((hugs)))))))) Im sorry for all you have gone through.
It does sound like you may be pregnant, I would wait for the results to know for sure.
I wish you nothing but the best I hope all turns out.

kjomomma February 19th, 2005 10:56 PM

oh my!!! (((HUGS)))....you have really been through it but i have to say i admire your thinking! no one really knows what they would do in your situation unless they were actually in it and i think you are pulling through like a champ. personally i think it does sound like you are pregnant but make sure you get all the medical test done to make sure. please stick around and keep us updated. i think you are so brave to have already gone through all that you have and still have such a good attitiude with the possibility of having a baby. good luck and please stick around. welcome to jm and know that if you ever need to talk there are many of us here to chat with, I am kelly and i am 25. i am pregnant with my 4th child due in just a few weeks so i may be able to help with any pregnancy related questions you may have.

linda11567 February 20th, 2005 03:20 AM

Oh gosh I am sorry you are going through this. Sounds like your pregnant to me too. With my last pregnancy it was 2 weeks after AF was due before I finally got my positive EPT test. It takes a while for some women for the HCG, the stuff that turns the test positive, to build up in your system. I admire your attitude too, thats a tough position to be put into. I think you need to find a dr and make an appt. Let that dr know how you became pregnant. he might recommend couselling and someone can help you through the emotional part of the trauma you've been through and are going through. And please stick around, sounds like you need someone to talk to and we would be very happy to help.

tamw402004 February 20th, 2005 07:42 AM

{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}} I am so sorry you are going through all of this. You sound like a very wonderful person.......If you are pregnant I think your little one will be very lucky to have a Mom like you! It is great that you have the support from your parents. You will also have us here!!!!! Take Care of yourself! Please let us know what you find out,ok?

writinghoosier February 20th, 2005 08:45 AM


You are an incredibly brave woman with a very deep sense in faith. I commend your spirit and your determination. Don't let anyone ever take that away from you.

Regardless of whether you are or aren't pregnant, but especially if you are, please consider getting counseling. I had a very close friend who was raped and the memory of that night still haunts her. If you are pregnant and plan to keep the child, you are going to need all your strength, physically, mentally and emotionally to take care of that baby.

Good luck, and please let us know what happens!

great_expectations February 20th, 2005 05:55 PM

Thankyou so much for your replies. I actually cried when I read the messages because nobody has said anything like that to me. It's been so tough I'm just running on audrenaline and fear. The situation is so complicated. After being raped, I wasn't coping at all, I couldn't leave the house even. Every time I tried, I'd walk out the door and then come back inside and then leave and then come back in and so forth. In the end I didn't go anywhere except in and out of hospital. My parents just kept saying 'don't be suck a victim' so I shut them out too because I didn't need to hear that. I stopped eating, sleeping and generally life went on hold.

Then when pregnancy was raised as a hypothetical issue...well my mother told me all sorts of messed up things. She said God wouldn't give me a baby and that I wouldn't be a good mother, she went behind my bacck and told my dad she wanted rid of 'it'.

My dad said he'd adopt before he'd have anyone else adopt the baby...but then he started drinking again. He got really drunk and started asking me questions and talking a lot of ######. I couldn't answer his questions, he got really aggressive. He shouted and then trapped me in the kitchen until I answered. Eventaully he told me I was a self-centred b**ch, he told me that I was wrong for expecting everyone else to put their lives on hold just because I had a problem. He told me I was crazy and that I should be put in a mental institution. The he told me to ###### off. I was sick then and dizzy with fear. I left home at 4am that morning.

Usually I would say that when I have a problem with everyone I'm most likely the problem. My best friend told me that I couldn't return home, she told me that they were wrong about everything. She said that they were hurting and behaving irrationaly. She said that they were taking out their anger on me and that I couldn't return because they were the ones pro-longing my victimisation. She was right. I have received no apologies from my parents and no support but I'm on good terms with them,...I'm being civilised and I do sit and talk with them about evry-day stuff...just not anything serious now.

After leaving home, I called up my old boss and told her I needed a part time job asap and I told her where I was looking for an apartment and within 24 hours I was working again. So now,I'm working part-time 20 hours, attending classes 35 hours and studying /catching up for over 25 hours a week. I'm still looking for a place and staying with friends and sometimes at home in the meantime.

Today the 20th Feb was my birthday (funny how things all come at once) I turned 20 and I was working all day, I couldn't get to a chemist, they were all closed, even the late night ones because it's Sunday. I'm still in the dark. I still can't confirm or rule out pregnancy. I do know one thing today that I didn't know yesterday...I'm going to be ok.

I'm on my own now and I'm absoloutely terrified but I'm coping. When I was raped initially they told me I was lucky to be alive, I said it wasn't luck, I said it was cruel. For some reason I got through that and lived and now I will get through this and live. When all the tests all come back, they can tell me any results and I know that I'll get through that aswell. My injuries have healed, I have no bruises left, my ribs don't hurt so much anymore, I got through that. When my pregnancy is confirmed or denied I'll get through that aswell. I will get through, I'm only 19...I mean 20 and I have my whole life ahead of me. I can do this on my own. I'm sure I can. Oh yeah...and I'll keep the baby if there is one, I can do that too.

TylerJ1029 February 20th, 2005 06:00 PM

((((((((((HUGS)))))))))) You are a strong, smart woman.

great_expectations February 21st, 2005 05:28 PM

me again, I took test today. I'm twice as confused now as I was. It didn't work too well. I was rushing, I picked one up on my way to work.

I took the test and while I was reading instructions I held it downward before I realised I was supposed to lye it flat. Would that effect the results?

Anyway I confused the test control window with the pregnancy window. A pink line in both windows was suppose to indicate a positive result.

After about 2 minutes, The first line that appeared was in what I though was the control window but turned out to be the pregnancy window, it was a very slight pink line but nonetheless it was a line. Then I glanced at the test while I continued reading the results and a clear pink line appeared in the other window,which I thought was the pregnancy window but which turned out to be the control window. I got really confused and realised I'd confused the windows. The next time I looked at the test there was no clear line in the pregnancy window but a fading pink mark and there was one in the control window. Anyway I finished reading all the instructions and by the time I got to the bottom and re-read everything to make sure I'd done it properly, it said do not look at the results after 10 minutes. At this stage ten minutes had definetly passed! The only line in any window was a fading one in the test control window. The pregnancy window had no vertical lines but was slightly pink. Oh my God, so frustrating. I threw the test in the bin and when I came out of the toilets there was a queue of women staring at me. I think they thought I was doing drugs I'd been in there so long.

If a line appeared even very slightly in the pregnancy window and then disappeared, what does that mean? or does that mean anything at all?

Basically there was a line in the pregancy window and none in the control. Then as that one faded the control one appeared. Then there was only a pinkish tinge in the pregnancy window. I think I'll make an appointment for the doctor tommorrow. I've decided the home tests are a total waste of time.The doctor doesn't have to take swabs or anything do they???

In the early tests I took, no lines appeared whatsoever in the pregnancy window They were different brands, but still it seems strange. The brand was 'accurate' it's the only one the chemist had. Can anyone make any sense out of this for me???

Thanks, Julie.

TylerJ1029 February 21st, 2005 05:56 PM

Ok I THINK I know what your are talking about but not sure. Ok from left to right you have the part you pee on, the pregnancy window then the control window. When the urine is going from the pee stick to the control window the pregnancy window will often get tinged pink but if you are not pregnant will fade back to white which sounds like what happened to you.
I would go to the dr for a second opinon though. Or you might be able to pick up a pregnancy test that has a digital read out that simply says pregnant or not pregnant. That way you dont have to read any lines.
The dr shouldnt have to do a pap smear just take some blood but I dont know what is done in Ireland as I am in the USA.
Your period could very well be late because of all the stress you have been through. (((HUGS))) I'm sure this doesnt help much either.

great_expectations February 21st, 2005 06:48 PM

yea I guess your right, I mean, initially I decided that it was negative but after thinking about it on my way to work I realised that it was totally inconclusive.

The pregnancy line appeared first, slight but definite. It was a slight yet it was clearly a vertical pink line. (I confused the windows so I thought it was the control line I was looking at therfor I didn't examine it, I just read the instructions while I was waiting the five mins to confirm a negative result, as I read the instructions, I realised that the window with the line was not the control window, it was the pregnancy window) I looked back at the test but the p line was rapidly fading into a pink tinge.
Then the control line appeared, but as it did the pregnancy line faded some more until it had disappeared.
Eventually only the control line was visible and even then, that was fading. This was after 10 mins and I threw the test in the bin.

My question is, if a line appears in the pregnancy window at any stage but then dissappears before the expired 10 minutes, is the test still definetly negative?

I'm beginning to think that I have hcg allright, otherwise why would a line appear at any stage in testing? I don't think it's there because of pregnancy though. I mean anyone 2 months pregnanct (the stage I would be at if I was pregnant)should get a very clear positive test. right? Mine was niether clear nor unclear, simply inconclusive.

~*kath*~ February 21st, 2005 07:24 PM

** Hugs ** I just want to say you sound like a very smart, nice woman!
About your test, you would think that at the stage you are at it would show a definite line, but a line is a line. I think you should go to the doctor, and they will be able to tell you for sure. The symptoms you are having definately sound like pregnancy, but then again, what Jennifer said your weird (or maybe missed) period could be due to stress, and also some of your symptoms could be from stress also. Your best bet would be to go to the doctor and get the answers you need. I hope the best for you. We are all here for you!

Elizka February 22nd, 2005 01:24 PM

I took one the tests and the first time I took it the p line was pink and then it faded. The girls at work said that there was no line, but I was sure I saw it. 4 days later I took the test again and sure enough there was a very pink line in both the windows. I will give you dates so you will know the period when the tests were taken. I hope this helps. It looks like I conceived on Jan.07/05, which would make me 7-8 weeks right now. I took the first test on Thursday, Jan.27/05. Like I said there was a line but had fade it quickly. I tested again on Monday Jan.31 and it was a positive result. Very clear pink lines in both windows.
I hope this will help you. Sorry about all that you are going thru.


great_expectations February 22nd, 2005 04:34 PM

I just wanted to tell you all that the responses I've been getting are really informative and very helpful for me. I really appreciate it.

I made an appointment to see the doctor today, but the earliest I can get is Thursday at 10:30...and that's not even my doctor, my doctor was booked up until Friday.

Elizka, I would be exactly the same date as you. If conceived, it was Jan 7th.

Does anybody know about feint lines? I mean I've been thinking a feint pink line in the pregnancy window this far on would suggest miscarriage. Is that totally wrong? Does such low levels of hcg at 8 weeks suggest miscarriage?

great_expectations February 22nd, 2005 07:12 PM

I'm shocked, I just realised that my period was due today. I've had no cramps or headaches. Now it's 2am on the 23rd which means I'm a day late.

Sweet Louison February 24th, 2005 10:14 AM

i had two very early miscarriages...and with both when i tested there was a very very faint pink line in the pregnancy window. I do not remember them disappearing after the 10 mins had expired.... at this time i did not know i was going to miscarry i just thought i was very early in pregnancy. I went to the dr. and the dr.'s preg. test came back negative (this was a few days after my positive). So the dr. ran bloodwork and hcg showed up in my blood but not much. took bloodwork again a few days later and it had decreased and they told me i had miscarried.

My miscarriages were at like 3-4 weeks pregnant. If i wouldn't have tested i would not have even known i was pregnant. so it seems to me like you should have some sign of a miscarriage by this date beings you are almost 2 months along. your best bet is to go to the dr. and have them do bloodwork. even a faint line normally means a positive. but i will agree with a pp that your hormones may be too messed up from the stress to be accurate...

good luck


great_expectations February 26th, 2005 05:57 PM

Just an update.

I went to the doctor, I took another test and it came back negative. Oh wow am I relieved, I do want to have children someday but never wanted to have a baby this way. People always say, 'you never know what you'll do untill you're in the situation' I always said that I couldn't have an abortion regardless of circumstances. Now I know for sure that's true. I would have had the rapist's baby and had the baby adopted or I would have raised him/her myself. I even left home because my family wouldn't help me. I've learned a lot about myself through all this. I've always been told I'm weak, I know that's a lie now.

Doctor gave me orders. No more school this year, she said I need to take a time out. I'm in counselling. I'm on a ######tail of various pills mainly sleeping ones and some other stuff too. I have to ignore any advice my parents offer. I have to eat...that's a big one, I thought I'd only lost 6lbs...turns out I've lost more than that. I've been missing periods because of stress. I bloated up 'cause I wasn't eating. I was vomiting so much because of stress, I was suffering from nausea same reasons. Doctor says that stuff, all of it gets worse unless the problem is dealt with. Hence the counselling, which I've started now, but I got to say it feels worse having to remember and talk about it. I had blocked a lot out and now I have to speak about what happened...it feels worse than it did now.

Thankyou so much group! I felt really welcome here and I felt really supported. I so appreicate every word written to me. I wish you all the best with your pregnancies. Thankyou for listening, it really helped so much. It gave me the courage to go to a doctor. It gave me the courage to ask for help.


TylerJ1029 February 26th, 2005 06:07 PM

You have no idea how happy I am for you. I'm almost in tears. I am soooo proud of you. Sounds like you went to a great dr. Good luck to you!!!


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