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under_search May 19th, 2011 12:27 PM

27 & Pregnant - what to do..How to.. when to.. tell the Father
My Story & a bit about me.

I am 27 years old, great career, good life, healthy active, in a really good place. When I was 21, I had an abortion NEVER ever second guessed it. It was the right choice for me at that time in my life.

Then I married at 22...I was married for 6 years always wanted children (at the right time), but my husband was sterile. Which we dealt with and were alright with (disappointed but OK)

Always thought Karma's a B!TCH, We were being punished for my irresponsible decisions the year previous to being with my husband.

My husband and I separated 9 months ago. I got on birth control right away. Now have been with someone new for 6 months. This man dislike children, expresses he NEVER wants child, they ruin everyones life, he would never know what he would do. Then he slightly changes his tune for about 10 minutes.... He is a big complainer about everything. Wonderful man, just always down and out that his life sucks. Which truly it doesn't. I am very positive person, silver lining to everything. Due to this difference with us, We are on rocky ground and just seeing if we want this to go anywhere. I found out yesterday I am pregnant. I am SO terrified to tell him. And I don't know what to do. Its very early of course probably 3 weeks (just went to the clinic did the urine test, going for the blood test today... But the nurse said NO Doubt I am pregnant) I sat up all night last night thinking. What is the best choice, what do I want. Abortion never jumped in to my mind, It does not feel like a option to me at all. Do I wait and tell him? Tell him right away? My Doctor said quiet a few people miscarry early on in the pregnancy.. So I am nervous to tell him, or ME to get my hopes up and then I miscarry. I am afraid he will get mad, furious.... Like I purposely did this to him. I went over last night to tell him. and I just listened to him explain how SH!TTY his life is for about 2 years... I couldn't get the courage to tell him. I am not upset about this. Its not ideal, but I am a adult and ready to be a mom (well I think I am :P but I also have wonderful support)

Thoughts? Opinion? Advise?

everafter May 19th, 2011 08:31 PM

Re: 27 & Pregnant - what to do..How to.. when to.. tell the Father
No advice since I'm in a similar boat.....got pregnant by my ex-husband (in process of reconciliation hopefully) due to antibiotics and pill don't go well together.....

I have not had the guts to tell him yet, because I fear that the progress we're making is going to be destroyed....

But I am also trying to find out first if this pregnancy is viable first.....have yet to see the doctor to even confirm it....that's how terrified I am.....

Your situation is a bit easier since you haven't been with him for that long, whereas we have been together for almost 11 years and already have 2 children together......

Either way.....I feel for you !!!!!!! HUGS !!!!!!!

Asdel May 19th, 2011 10:02 PM

Re: 27 & Pregnant - what to do..How to.. when to.. tell the Father
I would tell him right away just to make sure he knows beings that your relationship is rocky at the moment it could make things better or worse But keeping it from him while in a relationship with him is the last thing you would want to do I think the Father should be involved as much as he can You should ask him what he fills about the relationship and then say hun I have something very important I would like to talk to you about But first I wanted to know what you see us Two doing in a year then Wait for his response when he responds Let him know that the three of you have a bright new Future Ahead and see what he says then and let him know it will be okay Honesty is the key:) Best of luck to you and CONGRATS on the Pregnancy

dlnkcmommy May 20th, 2011 05:51 PM

Re: 27 & Pregnant - what to do..How to.. when to.. tell the Father
I agree with the post above. (sorry I was lurking here and felt I was in a similiar situation). Its easier early on. And if you miscarry, you will want the support instead of shouldering it alone. When I found out I was pregnant, I had just broken up with my SO. After finding out I was pregnant, it didnt really change much on how I felt about him but we had to work things out for doctors appointments and all. He wanted an abortion at first, I refused. He insisted on being involved in the pregnancy in every way. Good luck whatever you chose.

under_search May 24th, 2011 10:38 AM

UPDATE: 27 & Pregnant - what to do..How to.. when to.. tell the Father
SATURDAY! It didn't go well... he was going on about how he never wanted to be a farther, he doesn't know what all the hype is about, he doesn't like kids... He can't even care for him self and three cats... he kept asking what are YOU going to do? What do you feel? I was asking him how he feels... he just kept saying I don't know, I don't know.. I said I understand its a lot to digest and taken in, if you need a few days to think about it that is fine, I really need you opinion and thoughts it would be greatly appreciate and welcomed... He stayed over but it was so awkward.. he wasn't consoling to me.. he laid farthest away from me possible. no hugging, cuddling.. not even a arm rub... Then he left in the morning all have a great day and going to do stuff with me buddies... then he has just been texting me (no Call, No Making plans) randoms text his typical life sux speeches. "its cold out today" "My cats woke me up in the middle of the night, my night sux" "Arg I am so tired.. OH I have to help re tile" ... NEVER asking how I am how I am feeling... I asked if he wanted to go for Breakfast and talk , his reply "OH I just scarfed down 2 bowls of cereal.. I am full" I am getting so angry.. he's 29, he really needs to grow up..be a man. then He text me yesterday NO CALL.. just text "SO what are you going to do? I know this isn't a conversation to have through text but I can't call right now" MAKE TIME?? Sunday you went out with your buds heard nothing from you all day.. besides you are shooting guns and having a great time.. good for you!!! Monday you worked and after work helped your friends girlfriend re tile her floor.. on a whyme wasn't planned...YOU COULD MAKE TIME. So I replied...

"Your right texting isn't a great way to go about talking about what WE are going to do.. Nether is a phone call... I have been thinking a lot & having a lot discussions... This isn't easy and your support & presence would be appreciated & welcomed. I know your busy & don't have a lot of spare time.. I understand that. I know you work very hard & are exhausted a lot... If we could hang out this week that would be really great. "

he's coming over tonight........

missy123 May 24th, 2011 09:50 PM

Re: 27 & Pregnant - what to do..How to.. when to.. tell the Father
I hope tonight goes better. But please do not base your decision on what he wants. I did that once and still regret it many, many years later. ((Hugs))

GinaMoss May 25th, 2011 02:06 AM

Re: 27 & Pregnant - what to do..How to.. when to.. tell the Father
I agree, the father should know not because you want to continue the relationship but for him to support the baby. Whether he will support you or not, at least you tried to be honest and you can move on with the next decision. If he can't help you decide then at least you already know where to seek help and you make majority of the decision. Pregnancy is hard most esp if you have slight concerns like this but it will not prevent you from being a good mother nonetheless. Congratulations and hope everything's gonna be fine.

under_search May 25th, 2011 02:57 PM

Re: 27 & Pregnant - what to do..How to.. when to.. tell the Father
I expressed he has been really awkward & distant.. making me feel horrible and angry... He said he is just horrible at expressing his emotions and talking about his feelings... I expressed that this is a time to try & work really hard to get over that... I said please don't worry about sparing my feelings, I need to know what your feeling how you are thinking... he blurts out stern "I hate kids, I don't ever want kids... it's not even the point I am not ready.. I DONT WANT KIDS, I hate them" I laughed.. I said "I understand that, do you not think I feel the same way.. but I have to deal with this and I can't just jump on the abortion train" He was very kind, said he understood, he would never ask me to do that, he can't even begin to comprehend what I am feeling... He said ultimately it's all you decision. I said "SO IF YOU WERE me in my shoes, You were a women, you were me, what would you do?" HE's all stuttery... "You would have an abortion??" HE says "Yes Yes I would" ... I replied "OK fine I am going to go find something as emotional distressing, something utterly painful.. something that you will need extreme counseling after... AND I am going to make you do it.. then I will do that" (I was being joking sarcastic) He said again "That's why I am not telling you what to do" then he went blubbering on (I am not sure if to take it manipulative or supportive) He said every statement I have made before about kids, society, life... repeated my words...also said (this urked me) "think about what we want to do with our life's, think about the traveling we want to do, the things we want to accomplish" ... I said "Yes I said all those things... I also said I would never want to be in this situation because I wouldn't know what to do..."
uh... hhmm what else I said "Abortion right now, is absolutely not a option in my head" He said "SO you would be keeping it" ME "yes that would be the case" Juan "You saying that is making me terrified" ... YUP PROBABLY.... I then said "I feel horrible about this, because if I keep this baby, Yes I am ruining/changing my life.. I can handle that.. ITS MY LIFE... but I am also ruining someone else life, YOURS. I am not ok making that decision or doing that to someone, I don't want you to resent me" AT THAT POINT MOST PEOPLE WOULD SAY I wont RESENT YOU, OR YES IT WILL CHANGE BOTH OUR LIFES, MAYBE NOT SOMETHING WE WANTED... BUT HEY ... nope nothing from him silence.....then I said something about really feeling alone, and that this is all on me.. and if I do this It will just be all me.. is a lot, terrifying... he kinda FINALLY MAN'D UP he said "You want be alone, I never said whatever you choose you would be alone.. I am not going to leave you alone" He just said he hates the situation were in... he has zero resent, hate, disappointed, dislike towards me... just this situation is so hard for him, he has never been in this, and he has no one to talk to just me... and I said "you can talk to me about it, about anything.. seriously No Judgment, I am a nice person.." He looked at me Genuinely SMILED then held my hand and hugged me... HOLY WHAT? EMOTION?

So it went OK -- Sorry the rambling. You all are super great! I am really happy I signed up for this site.. I am really appreciating and & enjoying your input!!!

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