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-   -   7 weeks and unsure what to do (https://www.justmommies.com/forums/f100-unplanned-pregnancy/2363760-7-weeks-and-unsure-what-to-do.html)

Buggsie July 2nd, 2011 12:09 PM

7 weeks and unsure what to do
Two days ago I found out I was 7 weeks pregnant. I was rather excited, but I was scared to tell the father because I wasn't sure of his reaction. After I told him that I was expecting. First words out of his mouth was "I'll pay for the abortion" I was shocked, he didnt even want to consider having a child! I can kinda understand because both of us are 20yrs old. Anyway, right away I could see he was set on having an abortion. He gave me so many reasons to terminate what was growing in me. I listened, and started to lean towards abortion. But I know I couldn't go through that. That I couldn't kill a growing new life, especially one that is a part of me. I dont think he really understands this. I told him my feelings on all this. And then he gave me the ultimatum choice of him or it. That if I chose my Baby, he wouldn't be able to look at me, be around me. He even made the comment that he would shoot himself. I never knew he had suicidal thoughts till he told me all this.

I am scared, I want to keep my baby... But I'm scared to go about this without his support. I don't even know how to go about telling him I've decided to keep. I have told him if he doesn't want people to know its his, they wont know. I think his biggest fear is his parents, and they did make it VERY clear to me that I shouldn't get pregnant. But we were safe, BC and condoms now and then.

Any ideas, helpful opinions... anything really, would be very much welcomed. :)

CeilidhBrennan July 3rd, 2011 02:41 AM

Re: 7 weeks and unsure what to do
First off, congratulations :)

If you want to keep your baby, then keep it. You don't need your boyfriends support. I'm doing this alone, the father is not around.

Please, don't kill your baby.

MauMama July 3rd, 2011 03:36 PM

Re: 7 weeks and unsure what to do
What a very confusing situation for you. Firstly, congrats on being pregnant!

I think he sounds like a very immature young man. Placing the suicide responsibility on you is wrong and that is emotional abuse. He doesn't sound like he would be in a place to parent responsibly and you do NOT need or want anyone being abuse around you and your new baby.

It does sound like he is very dependent on his parents and his parent's approval. I think that contributes to him being so immature. Frankly, someone who gave a crap about their partner and their future would be able to man up and protect his partner and baby.

If he is going to commit suicide, and you believe this truly, then you need to tell his parents. As much as they think a pregnancy will destroy their lives, they couldn't even begin to believe how much a suicide of their son would.

A letter or even an email would do. He will probably go beserk, but if he is truly serious and not just being a manipulative jerk, he needs someone to look after his mental health.

If he is just being a manipulative jerk, you are 100% better off without him.

Do you have support from female friends, your family? You're 20 and young, yes, but how many 20 year olds have babies successfully every single day?

I had my first at 24 and a lot of people look down on young mothers, but there is so much bravery and courage in raising your baby as a young mum. You CAN and will do it.

You need to seek some time alone, seek solace and decide a plan. If you're keeping your baby, you need to do it without this man. If he attempts to abuse you more, you will need to seek a protection order against him.

Women are most vulnerable in domestic abuse cases when pregnant and he sounds brash, rash and codependent.

He could always tell his family it isn't his and he could give you sole parenting rights. He can sign them away the day the baby is born if he feels the need to suck up to his parents.

You are so brave and can do this.

Buggsie July 4th, 2011 12:24 AM

Re: 7 weeks and unsure what to do
MauMama Thanks for the advice :) My mom was also a young mother. Had me when she was 18 and raised me on her own. So she believes I can care for the baby. Every friend (but the guys) agree that I can do it and that I would be an awesome mother. I have so much support it really surprised me.

I told him I wouldn't even put his name on the birth-certificate. I'm hoping he will turn around and just give me the approval to have it, even if he says he doesn't want anything with me or the baby. I feel like I need to have his approval to make this choice a little easier.

Too make this a better situation for me, his cousin agreed I should get the abortion (my best guy friend) and then said he would move away with the father and asked me to break up with his girlfriend of almost a year now, if I decided to keep, because they plan on just up and leaving with no notice. wow right?

Shocker13 July 6th, 2011 02:01 PM

Re: 7 weeks and unsure what to do
Unfortunately it's very easy for most men to say abortion immediatly because they don't bond with the pregnancy...they just see how we feel or how this will affect them. What he is doing to you is coercian and you need to be aware. He is doing whatever it takes to get his way.

I'm not sure what your situation is but I am sure that you could do some research on the resources available to you and you could raise your baby on your own.

You may never have his approval but if you think you want this child then do what's best for you. Even if you were to abort, usually the relationship ends so be prepared for that as well. Just because you choose to terminate the pregnancy doesn't mean you won't end up hating him after the fact and it could cause a lot of friction between the two of you.

star shaped July 9th, 2011 01:58 PM

Re: 7 weeks and unsure what to do
If you want to keep the baby, you could keep it. Don't let him bully or guilt you into having an abortion. An abortion is a really major thing that some women never get over.
It often takes a long time for men to come around to the idea of having a child. Some never do. Many just don't know how to handle it at first and eventually end up regretting ever wanting an abortion. I'm not saying this will happen in your case, but it has before.
There really is nothing more you can do. You've already told him nobody will have to know the baby is his. You've given him an out. He doesn't have to be a dad. He should pay child support.
I highly doubt he'll actually kill himself. He's trying to manipulate you into doing what he wants. That's what he's also doing by trying to make you decide between him and the baby. Who wants to be with a guy like that anyway, regardless of whether you have the baby or not?
If I were you, I'd just cut all ties with him and do what you want to do. It'll be difficult doing it alone, but with the way this guy sounds, he'll make it even worse. Do you have family support?

trulyblessed July 20th, 2011 05:55 PM

Re: 7 weeks and unsure what to do
My friend just went through this. She got pregnant by someone whom she thought would be thrilled with it. He spoke about marriage and having kids some day but the day came when she told him she was pregnant and he flipped out. He grew feelings for me and he actually told her and I ended my friendship with him. I stuck by her side through the whole thing and since she has low progesterone levels and had no coverage or money for pills (and I wish I had the money because I would've given it to her), she lost the baby at 6 weeks. She never even told him and I haven't either. He told her to have an abortion. He told her he'd go and kill himself. That he was leaving the State and he wasn't going to be found ever again. She told me she was confused because she didn't want to lose him. I told her just like this "honestly, what are you losing? someone who wants your friend? someone who is telling you to abort it just because HE isn't ready?? he should've thought of that before having sex with you. He should've thought of that before talking about marriage and future children with you. Keep your baby because YOU want to; not because you're afraid he's going to kill himself." She did decide to keep it but it was too late. Anyway, my point is, people who try to manipulate other people are very, very immature and I agree with those who said you wouldn't want that in your baby's life anyway. You can do this on your own. You don't need him in your life. What's he going to do for you? Think about it. I know it's scary but there are many women out there doing it and they're just fine. You want happiness and stability in your life. Not someone who pushes abortion on the girl who's carrying HIS OWN CHILD. You're going to be just fine and if he does leave you then so be it. I hate to sound mean and I'm not trying to sound mean but the truth is hun, you can do a lot better!! Congrats on the pregnancy!

mammaz80 July 26th, 2011 06:44 PM

Re: 7 weeks and unsure what to do
Ill just say it because no one else is, you don't need to have this baby. The fact is it's your choice. If you don't mind raising a child alone then by all means congratulations and I am super excited for you! I can tell you right now though #1 reason NOT to have a child is because you think it will bring you and the father closer together. Because it never works out that way. You can't force someone to feel the way you feel about something as big as a child. I can't even get my boyfriend to like thai food, there's no way I would ever force a child on him when I knew to begin with that we weren't ready. Good luck I hope you figure it out!

.:Kati:. July 27th, 2011 03:21 AM

Re: 7 weeks and unsure what to do
wow i don't know what to think about this,How long have you been with him? I can't say anything on this until i know what your answer is to that.When i found out i was pregnant the first thing i asked my boyfriend is what he wanted to do because we have been together for 5 years and i feel he has just as much say in it as i do.

Maggie831 August 3rd, 2011 05:52 AM

Re: 7 weeks and unsure what to do
I hope that adoption would be an option as well somewhere in there between abortion and keeping the baby when people aren't ready for one. There are so many couples struggling with infertility who are ready and who have tried everything to get their miracle. Adoption is such a beautiful thing.

JadaJade August 8th, 2011 10:21 AM

Re: 7 weeks and unsure what to do
don't kill your baby because some dickhead dosn't want you to have it. It's your kid and your body and your descion. this is a huge part of your life now - if he is going to be immature and give up your relationship and life because of a new one, then maybe he's not the right person to have around. I'm 19. And I'm 28 weeks pregnant. There was debate about abortion for me, but I just couldn't, and now I can't wait to have my little man.

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