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-   -   keep the baby or not (https://www.justmommies.com/forums/f100-unplanned-pregnancy/2606943-keep-baby-not.html)

yelin2004 December 19th, 2012 11:15 AM

keep the baby or not
Hi, please give me some advise. I'm about 2-4 weeks pregnant. it was an accident, i was on bc, and stopped it for couple weeks becuz my bf and i recently had a huge fight, almost split. I have serious concerns abt having this baby or not. i didn't plan to have baby for another 5 yrs, on the other hand, this is my first baby, i don't want to get rid of it. Im so torn. My biggest concern is whether i can provide a stable home for my baby. i don't want to be single mom. I sort of grew up with single parent (my parents divorced when i was very young, my father loved me, my parents didn't officially spilt until 10 yrs after the divorce) Still, i had so much self-esteem issues, thinking i was inferior and my dad abondant me, my existence was a mistake, etc. none of it is true, i realized it in recent yrs, but growing up i honestly thought that was the case. i didn't have many friends, i was very clingy and jealous, afraid my friends/family will abondant me someday. I try really hard to prove my worth, so ppl who 'left' me will regret what they did. When i encounter small problems in life (didn't do well on an exam), i freak out, my world is crumbling, i hurt ppl who love me the most and sabatage my efforts by making my life more difficult so i can blame my failure on inability. :tmi: I gradually grew out of (most of) my bad behaviors, through maturity, therapy, self realization, and my bf, he made me realise the good side in me. I want to have his baby cuz we love ea other, but im afraid if our relationship don't succeed, our baby will go up thinking he/she is not wanted, etc.

my bf and i have been dating for 10 months (going out for almost 1yr). Im 24, he's 26. Throughout our dating, we have been fighting over trust/commitment/marriage issues, broke up abt 4 times. No cheating issues involved, we are loyal to each other. I want to settle down sooner the better aka getting engaged within a yr. He's not ready, thinking it's too fast, and he's too young. I'm not going to have childten in another 4-5 years even after marriage. He tells me how important i am to him, but not sure if im his life partner yet. i don't understand the difference betw the two concepts.

I used to read his email, found out his rant about my marriage pressure on forum, his complains to friends abt me, active dating site subscription(listed as single,but not talking to anyone), secret stash of porn, and habbit of streaming through random girls pic on various social media, etc. Although i have stopped digging his stuff, the damages have been done. I broke up with him or have a serious fight when i find these things. His indecision of acknoledge that he wants to marry me makes me worried that he's just stringing me along. Every time, he didn't want to break up, i walked out on him, leaving him crying and begging me to go back. I went back each time becuz i care abt him, and we do have good chemistry and deep connection. He said the only reason that stops him wanting to marry me is how easily im willing to destroy this relationship by walk out on him if things didn't go my way. I said the only reason I kept walking out on him is he's not willing to commit as much as i do, i can't make him to do anything he doesn't want to, but i can leave him and find another man who is willing to do so. Other than how unstable our relationship is, we are pretty good in all other aspects. preferably no children until we are more established, so we can have more resources for the child's development. But since a baby is underway, our current situation is still doable.

My bf and i both have stable jobs, good education, and decent income. He worked 3 yrs in top notch firms, and i recently graduate from my master, and have been working since Aug. My work hour is long, 50-60 hrs per week min, pay is not high enough given the amount of hrs i put in, but I have to start somewhere. My parents live in the same city, dad is about to retire, mom is a RN working crazy hrs. His parents and family are not in the states (canadians). My bf and i live in the city, super expensive rent and high living cost. we enjoyed our lifestyle, travel everywhere, prepare special occasions, try new things in the city, going to broadway, movies now and then w really good seats,etc. There are so much i want to do career wise. i don't want to be a stay home mom and my bf also believes in dual income.

My bf is more leaning toward not having the baby now, but he will take care of his child if i do decide to keep the baby. even with our baby, he and i will not get married unless he's ready. I am half and half, afraid i won't give the kid a stable home and make both my bf and my life miserable. what should i do? keep or abortion? Absoulely no adoption (no offense intended), if i give birth to my little one, i need to make sure i take care every step of the way.

Thank you very much.

321abc December 20th, 2012 02:28 PM

Re: keep the baby or not
I believe that baby was created for a reason. Please keep the baby. God will provide.

DeletedUser12345 December 20th, 2012 10:21 PM

Re: keep the baby or not
Ultimately it is your choice.. but Im now 8 weeks along and only had a seasonal job that I will lose soon. I decided to keep my baby as there was no way I could ever consider getting rid of it. I freaked out a lot of course as there is no father in the picture at all and I wont get a penny ever. At 7 weeks I got to actually see the heartbeat and that strengthened my resolve that I can do this but I am still very very nervous. Where there is a will, there is a way. Whatever you decide, that is you.. but I have tons of friends who got abortions and they always think "what if".. yeah, your life will change but if you go through this, it wont be alone.

DeletedUser12345 December 20th, 2012 10:28 PM

Re: keep the baby or not
also, as hard as it is.. I would say that guy sounds no good. no matter what.. do what YOU want to do.. I was married for about a year and made a huge mistake as he went back to the dating sites and all that for attention and before the 3 month waiting period for the divorce to be final he was engaged again. I hope it is different with you.. but please think of this as your decision. not his.

Kim3 December 22nd, 2012 06:51 AM

Re: keep the baby or not
Events in life often do not happen in our time frame. You sound like a strong woman. While it is great fora baby to have a mom and dad together, a baby can feel loved by those around him or her. My DH and I work full time, so my Mom watched my children while I worked each day. I always say my children have two sets of parents. Devote yourself to loving your baby and have others around you (father or otherwise) who show love to you. Your baby will do well. I too work long hours - and it is possible to make it work. The first couple of years are exhausting but I cannot imagine not having my precious children. They make life worth it (although tiring at times).

Ame C December 22nd, 2012 12:06 PM

Re: keep the baby or not
You will not regret keeping your baby. You will however regret it if you choose death for your child. Please keep your baby, your 24 and an adult you can handle this way easier than many women of younger ages. Choose life for your precious baby.

jeweluv December 22nd, 2012 05:13 PM

Re: keep the baby or not
CHoOSE LIFE!!!!!! IMO, you will provide the life for your baby that your heart allows....now your situation. Nothing is ever perfect and since (I) personally believe all babies are from GOD, clearly this special one is with you for a reason...perhaps he/she will over some healing to your past...with or without daddy/hubby!!!

gardensparrow1 December 26th, 2012 03:46 PM

Re: keep the baby or not
I'm sorry you're faced with this unexpected pregnancy. I know it's a bit scary and hard to come to terms with. But, I'm glad to hear you want to give this baby a chance at life-whether that's with you and through adoption. However, I realize this is a hard decision to make. So, I just wanted to hop on here and say my prayers are with you! Also, I wanted to suggest looking into some assistance from a crisis pregnancy center. I think they're really great at helping women like yourself sort through your options and make the best decision for you and the baby. Of course, I know a lot is up in the air with your boyfriend now. So, maybe it might help if the two of you considered some counseling? It can make a huge difference in working through your concerns about him and seeing if this relationship can go the distance. Just a thought. Well, I hope you have lots of support around you right now. Hang in there!

katie_ann1 December 27th, 2012 06:34 PM

Re: keep the baby or not
i think you should have the baby as well. I also agree that you will never regret giving birth and having the baby. i believe that there is no perfect time to have a baby - even the ones who are planned everyone situations is not 100% perfect. i had an abortion when i was very young and i still think it about it often. it takes a piece of you.

MrsNHigh January 2nd, 2013 12:49 PM

Re: keep the baby or not
I think you should ask yourself one question: "Can I love this baby?" If the answer is no, then you know what to do. I'm a teacher, and I've seen the effect of a child being unwanted and unloved. No kid deserves that. Can you live with having an abortion? Especially down the road when you are married and get pregnant again? Don't let other people tell you what decision to make, but think it through very carefully. It is your life, your baby, and YOU who will deal with the consequences of either decision.

Trish0102 February 6th, 2013 07:29 PM

Re: keep the baby or not
Keep the baby. Being a mom is such a wonderful feeling.

debs86 March 21st, 2013 11:04 AM

Re: keep the baby or not
A baby is a wonderful gift. You will never regret having the baby...could be the love of your life...

Stay strong..

Urchin March 22nd, 2013 07:51 AM

Re: keep the baby or not
I think all of those saying "you'll never regret having the baby" need to look at the situation from that child's perspective. Simply saying things like, "god will provide" is malarky. I am Anglican and I know better than to throw around stuff like that. I grew up in a pretty crappy situation for a chunk of my life, and while I am glad I was born and not aborted, I do wish I had more responsible parents, to this day.

Babies are precious, sure, but they grow up to be adults based on their life experiences. Like someone else said, she has seen the result of unwanted children being brought into the world, and it's heartbreaking. I am by NO MEANS saying this is the case with the OP though, I personally think she's more than ready to raise her child in the best way she knows!

The original poster herself has struggled with the pain of a broken home. That is obviously a big deal to her and she doesn't want her child to go through that.

That being said, I do think that she has the means of providing for this child. It's such a personal decision. Unfortunately, we cannot be the ones to tell her what the "right" decision is. I think that because of her experience, she will have the knowledge to raise this child and be re-assuring. She will be able to address all the possible feelings that the child may have if the father doesn't remain involved or with her. I think with counseling, she can be well equipt to raise this child to be a happy and well adjusted kid. From the post above, it sounds like the OP is really edging towards keeping the baby and only considering abortion because the daddy is requesting it. Personally, I think the OP should keep the baby, but only she can make that choice.

Yes, children are wonderful, they are blessings. Yes it's a great feeling to be a mom, but it's not all rainbows and sunshine. It's very challenging, even when two parents are involved.

Similarly, abortion is not an easy choice. With either decision there will be a lot to struggle and work through.

As a side note, the relationship with the father of the baby does sound a bit jittery. There are obvious issues that need working out. My husband and I got married at 25/26. We had been together for 8 years at that point. I can totally understand how this guy feels unready for marriage, and that needs to be respected. It's a BIG decision. From how you (the original poster) describe yourself, I can see how he feels very pressured by you wanting marriage/engagement so soon. THat's probably a result of your insecurities about abandonment. Have you ever seen a therapist or counselor about these feelings? I would try to find other ways to navigate those feelings, as the pressure to get married and insecurities in a relationship can be enough to drive even the best guy far, far away. Guys get freaked out by that stuff. Even at 5 years together, my hubs was freaked out about marriage.. lol

No matter what your decision, I do hope that you will consider finding help to deal with your trust and abandonment issues. If not, they will seriously cause a lot of pain in your life, and you deserve to be happy!

kvanderp March 24th, 2013 12:58 AM

Re: keep the baby or not
I have had an abortion when I was a bit younger, although I am still in my early 20's. It was the most difficult and heart wrenching/scaring thing I have ever done. God puts children on this earth and I truly believe it. Its not the babies fault that the father is an idiot. As long as he/she has you as a mom, thats all that matters. This baby will truly be a blessing and I can tell you that if you have an abortion you WILL regret it.. Best of luck.

Urchin March 25th, 2013 05:43 AM

Re: keep the baby or not

Originally Posted by kvanderp (Post 27223729)
I have had an abortion when I was a bit younger, although I am still in my early 20's. It was the most difficult and heart wrenching/scaring thing I have ever done. God puts children on this earth and I truly believe it. Its not the babies fault that the father is an idiot. As long as he/she has you as a mom, thats all that matters. This baby will truly be a blessing and I can tell you that if you have an abortion you WILL regret it.. Best of luck.

I am very sorry you had an abortion that you struggle with to this day. I can't imagine how that must feel.

While I also believe that God puts children on this earth, he also puts the power in our hands to make decisions.

I really get bothered when people say "as long as a child has a mom, that's all that matters."

Why is a father so unimportant? Why do we have this belief that a baby just needs a mom? I'm not saying that a mom can't raise a child on her own, I just think that having a mom and a dad is a really important thing for a child, and it's something that needs to be looked at as important. Of course if the father in question is going to bring a toxic relationship to the child, one has to balance whether that relationship is worth it or not.

Not everyone regrets abortion, and not everyone has the same religious views, So telling the OP that she *WILL* regret the abortion or that God will look down upon her is really irrelevant. It's just guilting her into the decision you think is right based on your beliefs.

I still stand by my earlier post on this matter.

Loving6 March 25th, 2013 05:10 PM

Re: keep the baby or not
This place is not the debate forum. Posters can write what they want,their opinion. There is no right or wrong. It's all opinion.

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