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lovelespaul April 26th, 2013 01:32 AM

In Need Of Some Advice
Hello All,

So here is the story of how my life has completely changed 2 days ago. A few months back I met a guy one night at a mutual friends house. We were all drinking and having a good time; one thing led to another as it so often does and we ended up having sex. We ran into each other a few more times over the next few months at that same friends house and the same thing happened. Come to find out I am pregnant and have no flipping clue what to do. I am 24. I am extremely career driven and have been doing my dream job for the last year. I work in the events/wedding industry and sometimes work 15 hours straight on my feet running around when I'm doing events- not exactly conducive to pregnancy. I have been living with my parents to save money and I know they would be shocked but supportive. My friends would also be shocked but they would love and support both me and the baby. I think I want to keep it but the weight of the situation hasn't fully set in yet so I haven't told anyone.

I have no idea how or if I should tell the BD. Is it wrong not to tell him if I decide not to keep the baby? He is a 27 year old marine- he gets out this summer and he is planning on moving across the country for grad school in the fall (or so that's what he told me at some point I think as we don't really know each other at all). I don't even have this phone number. We are friends on facebook but I feel like if I send him a message that says like, "hey we need to talk" or something that will just send him into panic mode. I feel so bad like I have this secret time bomb that can ruin his life at any moment. I have no idea how to go about this whole situation. Is it awful to tell him in an email? What do I say to him? Should I not tell anyone before I tell him? Again, how do I bring this up with him? I feel so scared to tell him... not because he's a bad guy but just because I don't know what kind of guy he is... I don't know him at all.

mamatomany April 26th, 2013 09:04 PM

Re: In Need Of Some Advice
First of all, you're not legally obligated to tell him, but I think you should, for a couple of reasons. First, he needs to know so he'll be more careful to to let it happen again. Second, you do have the right to expect financial help from him, including health insurance though the military, should you wish to have it. Third, though he may freak out, there's also the possibility he'll step up to he plate and be part of your support network.

As for the career aspect, many, many women have maintained successful and demanding jobs during pregnancy and I would not consider ending this new life based on that. You sound motivated and driven and with the support of friends and family I think you'll do great! Honestly, the moment you first see that tiny beating heart on the screen or feel the first flutters of movement you're going to be so excited and in love.

Best wishes, congratulations on your tiny little one, and let us know how things go!

DeletedUser12345 April 28th, 2013 11:56 AM

Re: In Need Of Some Advice
I'm sorry you are stressing out.. I am not going to track down my BD because I don't know him but I do know he is too rough and violent (from the short time I met him) and he does not work or will he ever (its complicated) so I will never get a penny from him either.. I've had friends get on me at first when I told them I was not going to try to go out of my way to find him. They all said things like "he deserves to know" but they don't understand what he's done.. I didn't feel pressured to do it and lost one friend over it but I feel so much better doing it myself than exposing a child to that. I know it is a different situation.. But don't let people judge you into telling him.. However, if you ever want financial support or your child to know their father, it might be best to tell him sooner than later so he can adjust to the thought and maybe even arrange for school locally so he can be there for his child's life if he wants to. Ultimately it is your choice, though.

MerinSun April 28th, 2013 08:39 PM

Re: In Need Of Some Advice

I feel so bad like I have this secret time bomb that can ruin his life at any moment
How do you know this will ruin his life? As you said, you don't even know him. He may be in shock and demand a paternity test (which I would oblige shortly after giving birth, though I think they can draw your blood and do a DNA test using that while pregnant). You both made this baby, your deciding to carry out what nature intended isn't ruining his life. It's a logical consequence of having sex. And if he wasn't prepared to face that consequence then he probably shouldn't be having sex with strangers.

lovelespaul April 29th, 2013 02:21 AM

Re: In Need Of Some Advice
Thanks for the responses! It has been a really crazy last few days but I have decided to keep the baby. I am not ready to tell anyone in my life but I feel like I am getting there. I am definitely going to tell the BD but practically speaking I have no idea what the best way to do it is. Does anyone have any advice on ways to go about dropping the news on him? I know this sounds awful but I can hardly deal with my own feelings about the pregnancy and I don't know if I can handle his reaction right now.

mamatomany April 29th, 2013 12:32 PM

Re: In Need Of Some Advice
I don't have experience with this, so maybe some other ladies can chime in. But I would say maybe write him a note or leave him a message telling him, and let him know you'll call him in a few days to talk. That way you can give him some time to process before you have to have a conversation. I think you should make it clear when you tell him that you intend to keep the baby to hoepfully avoid any potential negative pressures but I'm hopeful he'll be supportive once he's had a few days to process! Best wishes and congratulations on your little one!

MerinSun April 29th, 2013 05:39 PM

Re: In Need Of Some Advice
Because you've opted to keep the baby I would say to take your time with telling him. Take a few weeks to fully adjust to the idea (get excited!) and to tell a few people that you're close with. This way when you do tell him you will be fully supported and firmly set in your choice. Maybe even wait until you get your first ultrasound picture. Depending on your OB/GYN that can be as early as 8-10 weeks.

DeletedUser12345 April 29th, 2013 06:38 PM

Re: In Need Of Some Advice
Do you care if he is a part of the baby's life? If you want to send him a message and the positive test picture and just simply say what you told us.. something like "it looks like I am going to be a mom and I am not quite sure how to feel about it just yet. If you would like to be there for this child, we should get together and talk. If not, please be gentle on my emotions right now because I am freaking out a little bit." be honest with him and take as long as you need to face him.. just know that he might wish to be a part of it from the beginning. good luck mama!

MerinSun April 29th, 2013 09:11 PM

Re: In Need Of Some Advice
It's true, you never know. Some guys get over the shock pretty fast and can be incredibly excited about an unexpected baby's arrival.

lovelespaul April 30th, 2013 12:35 AM

Re: In Need Of Some Advice
Again, thanks for the response, ladies!

Melissa, ideally I do want my child to know his/her father. I have no idea if he will want to know his child but I feel like I need to leave that door open since he hasn't given me any reason to think he could be threatening to myself or my child. If I could create the future exactly how I wanted to I would want for the BD and I to be friends and raise this child together although I know there are so many factors that could derail that fantasy.

I am going to take small steps and the first one is going to be to tell my two best friends. Small steps, one day at a time, I can handle that!

Another step is scheduling my first doctors appointment. By my calculations I am just over 5 weeks. I've been reading different things about when I should schedule an appointment- any advice?

I am going to wait to tell him until at least after my first doctors appointment- hopefully that makes it more real to me as I am still not fully grasping the concept that I have a tiny human growing inside of me. I don't think I am going to tell him in person- It's a really good point that he may need a few days to gather himself- Lord knows I did/do.

I cannot tell you guys how much your advice has helped me these last few days... I needed some support and I am so glad I decided to look for it here. I am positive I will be needing more and more advice as I embark on this insane and unexpected journey but on the bright side at least I don't feel completely alone anymore :)

mamatomany April 30th, 2013 08:56 AM

Re: In Need Of Some Advice
Sounds like you have a good plan :).

As for the doctor appointment, if you decide to see an OB I think they like to do a confirmation ultrasound around 8/9 weeks. If you see a general practioner, it depends on the doctor. Mine likes to see me at 12 weeks for the first appointment. In any case I would call ASAP since usually you need to schedule that first appointment well in advance.

I also wanted to encourage you to join a due date club on this forum. It's supportive and encouraging-- and fun-- to be able to be involved with a group of ladies all due the same month as you.

Again, congratulations and blessings as yo start this amazing journey to motherhood!

DeletedUser12345 April 30th, 2013 09:12 AM

Re: In Need Of Some Advice
Sounds like you have a great plan.. I dont want to freak you out.. but I grew up in the military community with tons of moves all the time and I know sooo many women who got pregnant unexpectedly by a military man and down the road he was their dream man and it worked out for years down the line.. not saying you want this in any way.. but an unexpected baby can change your life in a more positive way than you could have ever dreamed down the road.

as for the doctors appointment.. I saw a doctor for confirmation around 6 weeks. I had my first appointment set for 10 weeks which was a meet and greet with the doctor and a few blood and urine tests. I did get some bleeding and clotting at 7 weeks that completely freaked me out and I ended up in the ER and saw the baby heart beat for the first time and my heart melted. Some things that seem so scary can be so normal apparently because I hit third trimester Friday and baby boy is perfect!

You should look into the Due Date Clubs on this site. It has been a major support for me. :) and get as much sleep as you can now. I worked too much during my first 2 trimesters and now that Im about to hit third, the baby kicks me when trying to sleep and Im up to pee a couple times a night.. But its so worth it! Those kicks are frustrating at times but lets me know little man is doing well. You'll be a great mama. I know it by the fact that you are already looking into the baby's best possible care. :)

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