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-   -   Cannot make a decision..... (https://www.justmommies.com/forums/f100-unplanned-pregnancy/2647654-cannot-make-decision.html)

AKA25 May 2nd, 2013 09:47 AM

Cannot make a decision.....
So this would be long , my apologies.
I am 33 and I just found out I am pregnant for the 3rd time , and we already have 2 kids , 7 and 4 year old.
This wasn`t planned and obviously is a huge shock to us.
Although we always talked about no.3 in 2-3 years time,when things are worked out with loans and residential situation.
Surprisingly my husband is very happy about this pregnancy and wants to keep the baby.
Unlike me , freaking out about our lives and financial situation.
I have been thinking about abortion obviously,but can`t quite see myself going through it, although can`t see myself pregnant again and giving birth again and managing 3 kids.

1. We both lost our full time jobs in sept 2012, and tried to survive on some occasional part time projects.

2.After 8 months we both finally got offers on full time job.He will start beginning of May, and I will begin on 1st of June.

3.We took a loan, back in beginning of 2012, when things were ok,to buy a new bigger car for the whole family, and having my future salary means paying the loan within 8-9 months instead of planned 3 more years.

4.We don`t own a house or apartment and living with my mother-in -law , since we can`t afford rent.
She does have a very big apartment and we have more or less enough space, and our relationship with her is good.

Having both of our jobs secured and getting 2 salaries per month, means we pay up the loan , and move out to rent an apartment, and hopefully in the future apply for mortgage to buy our own place.

I am scared that if I tell my future employers about my pregnancy, they will not hire me anymore , I did not sign a contract yet , and the biggest concern is that it is a completely new pre school, which means they would require full on energy and probably no excuses to leave early for let`s say doctor`s appt.
Maybe if I signed contract before I knew I was pregnant this would be easier ?
The place where we live doesn`t allow abortions, unless it is advised by doctor and there is an immediate danger to mother`s health or something is wrong with baby`s development.
Since it is illegal and there are some cases of doctor`s and women went to jail up to 3 years,
the only solution was to go another country/region, cross the border by ferry.
We went to Family Planning Association and I can`t believe but we did start a process of check ups,
The process of approving a person for abortion is not easy, it takes up to 2-3 weeks ,minimum 3 appt.s They take the whole thing seriously so having all that time actually makes you either rethink the decision or confirm it.
So far we went for 2 appt and next date is 8th of May, which means it could be the day when they give me the 1st pill part of medical abortion, and then 2 days later 2nd.
Every time we went there I cried so much and just kept telling myself I can still change my mind.

The whole medical abortion is not cheap, its going to cost us a lot.
But if we both work , within 2 months we will be fine and sort out the finances.
Not working for so long means quite a few payments have accumulated , but it could all work out if I have my full time job with very good salary, which I keep the pregnancy might not happen.
It`s been 2 weeks since that positive test results, and I have been jumping from 1 decision to another.
In the past few days I think I came to realize we can do this , but today I freaked out about the money and thought we can`t afford to have another child.
Thinking about abortion and going to those 2 appt makes me almost 100 % sure that I will regret abortion almost immediately, or it will hunt me for the rest of my life.
The saddest part even though my husband and I were talking about no.3 in 2 or 3 years, now he is saying that if we don`t do it this time, he most surely doesn`t want to go for no.3 in 2 years, cause he`ll be 40 this year and afraid in 2 years he won`t manage physically and mentally.

I just don`t know what to do.
I am driving myself crazy.
Any opinions or maybe similar experiences would be appreciated.
P.S. I am 5 weeks pregnant and have only few days to make a decision, next appt for abortion approval is in 5 days!

Thank you in advance.

DeletedUser12345 May 2nd, 2013 11:01 AM

Re: Cannot make a decision.....
If you will regret it, you probably shouldn't do it... Ultimately, it is your choice as you know what is best with your life.. but it seems like its just a little bad timing but things are looking up for you. I dont know where you live but here it is illegal for someone not to get hired just because they are pregnant so you dont have to tell your future employer.. Can you wait to tell the future employer until after you get the contract? It is still early and would be reasonable to believe that you wouldn't know yet necessarily by the time you start working. You are definitely in a better position than me and Im right at 27 weeks pregnant! How does your husband feel about abortion? Is he on board with it, too.. or would he be upset?

mamatomany May 2nd, 2013 01:22 PM

Re: Cannot make a decision.....
I agree with Melissa-- the fact the idea of abortion makes you cry and that you're already feeling like you might regret it is a big red flag. I would definitely say you should not be considering it while you're on the fence-- you can't take it back. I think the fact that you already have children would make it much harder to deal with-- the baby inside you is also your child and I think the emotions you have now will not go away.

She's also right that your potential employers are not allowed even to ask if you're pregnant, they cannot decide not to hire you because of pregnancy, you do not need to tell them (and you probably shouldn't), and they cannot fire you becaus of it later. You should not have to factor in the new job in your decision. It's actually great timing because you'll have worked long enough to be on insurance and all that.

Remember too that financial hard times don't last forever. With your two new jobs you'll have things together again soon and things are already looking up. I would very much encourage you to keep your baby as I don't think you will regret this sweet little surprise at all. But I think it's very likely you could end up regretting an abortion especially when you made the decision during a financial pinch.

Best wishes and keep us posted!

MerinSun May 2nd, 2013 05:31 PM

Re: Cannot make a decision.....
What country do you live in, if I may ask? I'm asking because I think understanding a little bit more about your home culture will help me form my opinion of what I recommend you should do.

In the US the job issue could be handled very simply by not saying anything about the pregnancy until you sign the contract. They can't fire you for informing them that you're pregnant and they cannot deny you access (in this case allowing you time) to prenatal care. But I don't know your country's laws or attitudes so I cannot assume that you would be protected in the same way.

As for financial planning I *can* speak personally about that. We did not plan on getting pregnant with a baby until January/February of this year. Instead we got pregnant in August of LAST year. The month I got pregnant was the same month that my husband got a new higher paying job. We had planned that we would set aside my whole salary every month and a part of his and get a bunch of debt cleared out of the way before getting pregnant again. This way I could guarantee that I could be a SAHM and not feel pinched financially speaking.

Well, that whole plan got blown out of the water. And then starting in November all the way through January either myself, my husband, or my son were in and out of ERs, doctor offices's, etc because of various illnesses. As a result by the time January/February hit we accrued even MORE debt. All of our extra money went to medical expenses and to pay bills because I wasn't able to work due to being sick or my son being sick. None of this was because of my pregnancy.

My point is, that if it's not one thing it's another. Even if I had not gotten pregnant when I did we *still* would be in this financial mess. The good thing is that because this baby is coming we're knuckling down harder than before in anticipation of affording this new LO and we're still able to pay off some of our debt with (hopefully) at least enough of it gone that I'll still be able to be a SAHM. Which is looking pretty good right now :)

Forget the debts/loans. You *will* eventually pay them off. It may take longer with a new baby but it's not the end of the world: At least you'll be able to pay them off. As you make your decision just think about the pregnancy as a pregnancy. Can you handle being pregnant? Can you see yourself with a new baby? Can you see your family supporting you and your new baby? Answering these questions will help you find your answer. Not the job and not the financial issues.

AKA25 May 2nd, 2013 09:16 PM

Re: Cannot make a decision.....
Hi MerinSun,
Thank you so much for your message ,
It really helped me to look at the situation differently , knowing that other people go through similar problems , makes me feel not alone in this world of financial instability.

You asked where we live , I live very far away from my home country.
Its called Macau ,and it is a former Portuguese colony, since 1999 China took it back, after over 500 years under Portuguese.
We are 1 hour away from Hong Kong by ferry and thats where I `ve been going for check ups .

After reading your and other messages , right now I am almost sure we will keep the pregnancy and work things through.

Thank you so much again and wish you all the best.

AKA25 May 2nd, 2013 09:33 PM

Re: Cannot make a decision.....
Hi Melissamarie247,
My husband is with me 100% , but every time I mention abortion his face becomes so sad and he almost cries , so even though he supports me and says that he will be ok with either decision, I know he really wants to have the baby.
He was was brought up Catholic and he is against abortions , so don`t know what would that do to him and us as couple.
Reading replies from you and 2 other ladies, I am almost convinced we can deal with our financial troubles, and make it work.
It is amazing but sometimes you get the best advice and a different point of view from people that you actually don`t know and never met.

Whatever we heard from our relatives and couple of friends just didn`t do the trick and help us to make a decision,
But this forum helped !
Thank you.

DeletedUser12345 May 2nd, 2013 09:48 PM

Re: Cannot make a decision.....
I wish you the best of luck! I hope you do have peace in your heart about this decision. Of course you will worry about if you can do it at first but once you see the heartbeat in your appointment or feel your baby for the first time, you will be so much in love that you cant even think of not having this little one in your life. :)

MIL2lissy8 May 3rd, 2013 05:13 PM

Re: Cannot make a decision.....
i am thankful that it seems you are deciding to keep the baby rather than abort. i wholeheartedly believe that things will work out. with my first two children, i was not married, not well employed at all, and definitely not planning to be a mom at those times. in the end, i got two great sons, things worked out, and i was able to parent my kids and still pay bills. tings always look more scary in the beginning but they have a way of falling into place if you are willing to be patient and work out the details as you go along. good luck and God bless you.

MerinSun May 3rd, 2013 08:06 PM

Re: Cannot make a decision.....

Originally Posted by AKA25 (Post 27335977)
Hi MerinSun,
Thank you so much for your message ,
It really helped me to look at the situation differently , knowing that other people go through similar problems , makes me feel not alone in this world of financial instability.

You asked where we live , I live very far away from my home country.
Its called Macau ,and it is a former Portuguese colony, since 1999 China took it back, after over 500 years under Portuguese.
We are 1 hour away from Hong Kong by ferry and thats where I `ve been going for check ups .

After reading your and other messages , right now I am almost sure we will keep the pregnancy and work things through.

Thank you so much again and wish you all the best.

I'm glad that I could help you feel more confident in your decision :) The world is so big and has so many differences it is comforting to find common human experiences, even if they're ones that drive you crazy! I wish you the best of luck and if you need any more support and encouragement please don't hesitate to visit us (and maybe come to stay!) :)

lovemychildren May 4th, 2013 09:40 PM

Re: Cannot make a decision.....
The case I hear you making is for having your baby. You haven't said anything to show that your life or your husband's life, (or your baby's life for that matter) will be better if you abort your baby. But you have said a lot about how your life will probably be worse. It sounds like, if you read back over your posts, you might be afraid but you know you can do it, and you face a potential destruction of your marriage and family if you abort. Besides, it sounds like you already love and want your baby; it's just the timing that is difficult. I think we all know that life is hard in some way all the time and we don't really know the future. It's really a matter of accepting that and then making a decision in accordance with our hearts and conscience.

I've been in very desperate financial situations, too, as a single parent. No matter how hard it has ever been, all I have to do is look at my children to realize that, whether life is easy or not, they make it worth it, and without them I don't even care about whether my bills are paid on time or not.

God bless you and your family. Make sure you can live with your decision, and I will pray for guidance and peace for you.

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