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victoriamamie June 24th, 2013 12:26 AM

Need some advice please
I'm a 20 year old that just found out she's pregnant 2 days ago. I am BEYOND confused. I am an over thinker and a planner as is, so this is just hard. My boyfriend and I have only been together a month. He is 26 but doesnt have the greatest job, like myself. I was planning on going to school next September, and I'm so lost. Ive talked to my closest girlfriend, who had her daughter at 17, and she says it will all work out. If I'm ambitious enough, I'll make sure my dreams come true just might be a bit before I can achieve them.

I've always wanted children, but not now. Abortion is out of the question for me. But adoption has been on my mind a ton today. With the brief talk I had with my boyfriend last night about potential adoption, I can tell its out of the question for him. I tried to explain that this could be a gift for another couple or person that cant have a child, and his response was but why when the baby has a mother and father right here. Again, with wanting children later on too, I dont know if I could go nine months and then just give her/him away.

The reason I am so stuck is because recently I've been getting really upset with my boyfriend on how much he parties. Its every second day. I seriously think he's an alcoholic. I dont want to bring my child into that. I dealt with it with my father and I would never do that to my own. Last night we were also talking as the potential of him moving 6 hours away came up. (he didnt go but then i heard he was still going, caused a fight). He told me that even if hes up there, that doesnt mean we have to break up. I said but if I knew my girlfriend was now carrying my child, the thought of moving wouldnt even be there. He said I never thought of that. (keep in mind, he was drunk). I also brought up if him and I didnt work out, would he still be in his childs life and he said yes. I know for a fact he wants kids in his future, but I'm so stuck on the alcohol thing.
Also, my dreams. Music is a big passion of mine. I was planning to go to school to become a tour manager. I want to travel around in a small van for a living. I know that doesnt sound appealing to most haha but thats my dream and has been for a long time. Thats one dream you cant do with a child. But I sit and look at the bands I listen to, and they do have kids, but they are guys. I feel its easier for guys to go on a tour and come back to their child.

If I was to go through adoption because of these reasons, am I being selfish? I know that if I find out my boyfriend is an alcoholic and this doesnt change things, I WOULD NOT be selfish for taking my baby out of this life, but for my dreams. I cant wrap my mind around if I'm doing it for me, for the baby, or for both.

I'm so sorry if this is all ramble, and confusing. Havent really been able to let it all out. Any advice is seriously appreciated!<3

Lucy S. June 24th, 2013 12:46 AM

Re: Need some advice please
I think adoption is admirable... I am not sure why so many people still look down on it this day an age. It's a gift! And no matter your reasons, it's not easy and it takes a really strong person. And you are 20yo! Still young yourself and you are supposed to be selfish at this age- well most people at your age!

I know what it's like to want another child. I am not going to adopt but I do think I know what it's like to want a child so badly and not be able to... And you would change an entire family. Complete a hole that is huge in someone's life. It's a powerful thing.

Good luck with whatever you choose :)

Laura_2012 June 24th, 2013 08:09 AM

Re: Need some advice please
Wow! Being selfish at our age is a normal thing but to think of giving your unborn baby up for adoption because of the situation you feel you are facing and you want more for your child is not selfish! It is a selfLESS act for your baby and you would be blessing a family too that for whatever reasons cannot have one of their own. That is not selfish!
(I understand what it's like to need/want a baby so bad and not be able to make it happen -- it stinks!)
I think sometimes the initial shock of things make us think we cannot handle what in reality we can and be successful. It's a scary thing to think about because you have your ideas of what you want for your future but sometimes those things change a little for a time and then you achieve them a little later and can look back and see, well this happened for a reason or this wouldn't have happened if that hadnt happened. You just never know. You have time to make a decision and it may change from day to day right now. Give yourself some time to deal with the thoughts and emotions that come with bring pregnant.
But know if you are comfortable with the idea of adoption, there is nothing wrong with that. There are blessings that come with that in more ways than one!
Good luck to you.

Laura_2012 June 24th, 2013 08:20 AM

Re: Need some advice please
Not our age (cause I'm older) but i meant for it to say being selfish at your age is normal! Just wanted to revise that. :)

JaeSung June 24th, 2013 09:00 AM

Re: Need some advice please
Why can't you travel around with a child? Musicians have done it.

victoriamamie June 24th, 2013 12:11 PM

Re: Need some advice please
Thank you for everyones input. It has helped a lot.

Musicians have, but I'm not going to be the musician. Just the person that plans tours and how tours go for the musician. I doubt I'd be able to bring my child along with me. :(

Laura_2012 June 24th, 2013 08:33 PM

Re: Need some advice please
Sorry we don't have all the answers for you. Are you feeling any better about things?

victoriamamie June 25th, 2013 11:56 AM

Re: Need some advice please
It's okay. I'm not so sure I am. Adoption is still on my mind, but with the two close friends I told, they keep talking about babysitting and when we're in a store, its to the baby clothes. Its hard not to get attached with that. Plus, I'm trying NOT to keep my hopes up but it seems that maybe the boyfriend could be coming around. I'm not sure though :/

girlsofsummer June 25th, 2013 12:28 PM

Re: Need some advice please
Let me pose a question: Would it change how you would proceed if you knew you would be raising this baby alone, without your boyfriend?

You don't have to decide this very minute. Let it sink in a bit more. Try to separate emotion from fact as best as you can (which is really hard, even harder in this situation I'd imagine).

Good luck girl.

victoriamamie June 25th, 2013 01:08 PM

Re: Need some advice please
I dont think so as even if my boyfriend wasnt in the picture, I have dreams and I know my child would be raised better with two parents that are in a better place then myself.

laurenr4261 June 25th, 2013 06:48 PM

Re: Need some advice please
I dont really have any advice for you, but I wanted to tell you that you are not alone. I'm 22, found out I'm pregnant on Sunday night. And I'm so confused.

mamatomany June 25th, 2013 07:58 PM

Re: Need some advice please
I would suggest that you go to a crisis pregnancy center -- they can provide you with a lot of great resources about both parenting and adoption agencies. Then, as another poster said, just give it time. You don't have to decide at all right now. See how things go and how you feel about it all in a few months. Know that if you do choose to give this baby up for adoption you are truly doing a selfless, wonderful thing and giving an incredible blessing to a couple. I know several families who have adopted and they are so grateful to the mothers of their children for such a priceless gift. If that is what is on your heart it is a beautiful thing and I think you can be so much commended for it. Bottom line, don't stress. Give yourself some time. Talk to your boyfriend about it. Do some soul-searching. Best wishes and keep us posted!

Lucy S. June 25th, 2013 10:51 PM

Re: Need some advice please
:ditto2: Can I steal Brooke's answer?! That was perfect!

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