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mommy2breadyornot July 25th, 2013 04:40 AM

boyfriend distant
Hi everyone.

I just found out I was pregnant on Sunday, totally unplanned. My boyfriend is being supportive of my decision, but still keeps repeating that we are not ready. I understand the shock of everything right now. I would like to think we do have a strong relationship, but some of his actions and words give me doubt. He says he loves me and being pregnant will not make him love me any less, but being pregnant is not going to pressure or force him to marry me. He is being very distant. He hardly kisses me or holds me anymore and I am concerned that he will lose interest in me. I am hoping that all these actions are still shock related and will disappear in time, but what if they don't? I have never been pregnant before and I have a ton of emotions and I am very scared. I hope someone could offer me some advice.

MerinSun July 25th, 2013 10:32 AM

Re: boyfriend distant
You're right, he probably is feeling a bit shocked. Which is normal. He might also be wondering what exactly you expect of him. While he may be coming to terms with being a father unexpectedly he may also be resistant to the idea of marriage. Too much commitment. Too many big things at one time, lol.

So try to reassure him that you're committed to keeping the relationship at a steady pace. You'll both work on getting ready for this baby (you're pregnant for almost a year after all, lol) but try to keep this separate from your relationship. In the meantime, try to limit talking about the baby. Let him bring it up. Get all of your baby excitement out with your friends and family. It's okay to be happy and excited even if he isn't. Just try to respect his space for now.

I would also firmly state that if he feels now that he wants to end the relationship that doesn't make him any less responsible for the baby. If he doesn't want to be in the baby's life, fine. But he needs to make that 100% (a father going in and out of a child's life is chaotic and confusing). And he still needs to pay child support. If he gets angry about it later you can always offer the option that he can forgo child support if he gives up custody. It's not ideal but for some people it's best to make a complete split.

mamatomany July 25th, 2013 10:33 AM

Re: boyfriend distant
I'm sorry your boyfriend is making you feel unloved. Although it's not possible to know what's going through his head, it's true that the shock of becoming a father can be very overwhelming. Give him some time, keep loving and respecting him and be strong. Don't let his lukewarm reactions make you feel pressured into anything. Your sweet baby may have thrown his plans out of whack, but he very well may come around after he's had time to process. Try not to stress mama! Enjoy these special first few weeks of your pregnancy! I suggest that you join a due date club here on just mommies. It's a fun way to connect with other moms due when you are and gives you some more people to be excited with while you wait for your boyfriend to pull out of his funk. Big hugs! Keep us posted!

Edited to add: Beleive me, None of us feel like we're 'ready' to have a baby :). That's why you get nine months to get ready. You're going to do great!

ducksaresnazzy July 26th, 2013 09:22 AM

Re: boyfriend distant
when i first found out i was already in my second trimester, and he didn't really react the news until he saw her on the sonogram. i'd give your boyfriend time to adjust; this is a huge change in his life, too. assure him that while you need him to be supportive, you're in this together and that you'll be there for him as much as you can be.

i also encouraged a "guy's night" to show him that even though we were going to be parents he still wouldn't lose everything to the baby. maybe that'll help your man, too.

mommy2breadyornot July 27th, 2013 04:36 PM

Re: boyfriend distant
Thank you all for your replies. It has been a very hard week, with a lot of crying and talking. I have tried to give him his space as much as possible. Although he still is not happy with the idea of a baby, he is starting to accept it. Hopefully with time our relationship will get strong again. I have never been pregnant before, so this is a new experience for me and I am adjusting just as much as he is. I am planning on joining a due date club after I see the doctor and actually know when I'm due! lol. I am hoping that when he sees the ultrasound he will be a little happier.

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