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-   -   21 yrs old, confused and don't know what to do. (https://www.justmommies.com/forums/f100-unplanned-pregnancy/2690699-21-yrs-old-confused-and-dont-know-what-to-do.html)

dana501 November 6th, 2013 05:38 PM

21 yrs old, confused and don't know what to do.
I'm turning 21 in a month, and I knew something was already wrong when my period never came 2 months ago. I was in the middle of keeping or aborting it, but I knew it wasn't right to take my baby's life away. As for my boyfriend of 5 months, who is 27, he's all excited and want to keep the baby. I had my first ultrasound a day ago (baby is 7 weeks, 2 days) and I saw my boyfriends face almost in tears, and I don't want to be the one to crush him especially that it's his baby too. I know I want to keep it for sure but the problem is, we both are not ready to have a child because I have debts from my bank and financial loans plus my credit line is really bad (if that matters.) I don't work at the moment and I don't even have any savings. Second, I come in a Christian family and we go to a very small church, and we're very tight knit. I am the oldest youth in my church and the only girl in my Dads side. My parents doesn't know and it's very very hard for me to tell them. I don't know even know how to! It'll be heart breaking for them because they expect so much from me right now. I haven't been a good girl growing up, but being pregnant was the last thing on my mind or anybody's. Lately, my parents are pushing me to go back to school because having a career is the most important thing with my family. I haven't been back to school for 2-3 years, and it'll be more heartbreaking to them that I won't be able to go back to school anytime soon due to being pregnant. My parents are already trying to settle down for their retirement and they talk highly of my brothers because one of my brothers just got his career job and the other one went back to school to study another program. I am the only one my parents are waiting for and it's one of the reasons why it's hard to tell them. As for my boyfriend, he has no savings also, no career, no job, but he's trying to get one right now. My parents have met him and I bring him to church with me, but my parents would be more disappointed when he hasn't even gone to college because my parents would question how he will be able to support me. My boyfriend and I can't even buy any small thing without getting change from our parents.. that's how broke we are. I just need inputs or anybody that was or is in a similar position as I that can help me. It's very hard trying to keep a positive attitude from this when all I see is nothing good coming out of it. My parents are very old school (career, marriage, then family) but it's all backwards now and I don't see a happy ending when I can't even support myself.

Sorry for the long message

ducksaresnazzy November 6th, 2013 06:26 PM

Re: 21 yrs old, confused and don't know what to do.
our situations are actually very similar, with one exception; my family is not religious. my boyfriend's are, but that has had little effect on my life.

that said, parents are designed to expect a lot out of their kids. even though i was called the "virgin *****" in high school (i acted/ dressed like one, but have only ever "been with" my current boyfriend), i graduated high school at 16. i got straight a's all through high school and into my first semester of college. then i got pregnant. they were pissed, they were upset, but they rolled around. they're working-class people who will work for their entire lives. they wanted better for Nate and i, but now that we're following in their footsteps- having a wedlock baby young, Nate even works at the same mill as my dad- they think we threw our futures away. i live with them, and my boyfriend moved in with us a month before we got pregnant. we both work, but i only work part time. we had $1000 in the bank in january. somehow, even though we've been saving the whole time, we only have $1400 in the bank now. it's stressful. we had plans to move next summer, but are unsure now if that's realistic. we're on wic, but that barely covers anything but milk.

like i said, i was going to college. my first semester (pre-pregnancy) was great. my second semester, i had morning sickness so badly i would spend entire lectures puking my guts out in the bathroom. i failed english, got 3 d's, and only passed the fifth one because my professor knew about my pregnancy and took pity on me. this fall semester, i'm taking online classes. i lack the motivation to keep up with those classes, but if you have the self-control, i'd highly recommend this. it's so much more flexible than sit-in classes, you don't have to put on pants, and you can do it all around your hours of sickness, if you're feeling it. my boyfriend dropped out after one semester, and my parents are very disappointed. they look at him like the son they never had and are convinced he's never going back, and we'll be living off a mill worker's pay our whole lives.

but we are making it work. we are buckling down with our savings. we are limiting our spending. i am making myself meet my online class deadlines. it will be hard, i know it will. it already is.

i have no advice on how to tell your parents, though. i didn't tell mine until i was in my second trimester. they kinda of guessed and one day, my mom took me to the doctor because she was convinced i was dying. we were in the parking lot of the office and i told her i was pregnant. she cried then proceeded to call everyone in her contact list, from my aunts to her boss's nephew's girlfriend's son that she's never met. then she cried some more.

if you need anything, you can always pm me.

Rainbow Momma November 8th, 2013 11:50 AM

Re: 21 yrs old, confused and don't know what to do.
Keep your head up hunny!

My advice is: It sounds like your about 2 months pregnant then? that leaves about 7 months to get things together. so dont panick now, the stress is not good on the baby! of course you need some kind of income, any! now with you being pregnant its going to be harder for you to get a job than your bf, so tell him to sit down and fill out any and every application that he can. A mcdonalds minimum wage job is better than none. There are also several programs out there to help, like WIC!

your family: you can tell them when youre ready. they might just surprise you. now it could turn ugly, and if it does you dont need them anyway. but something tells me with how close knit you guys are, they may be upset at first but will come around and will more than likely be there to help you out with anything you need

And if it comes down to it and you dont feel like you are ready, emotionally or financially, adoption is always an option.

MerinSun November 8th, 2013 08:56 PM

Re: 21 yrs old, confused and don't know what to do.
When you are making this decision you need to shut out all the noise and listen to just yourself. Forget about everything else.

Financial things can be taken care of. Necessities can be taken care of. College courses can be taken care of. Sometimes this means changing expectations, there are delays, or your pursue other roads of opportunities you've never considered before.

In a year you could be living your parents' basement taking online courses and delivering pizzas in the evening. Not glamorous but it gets what you need done. And it's only temporary.

blaundee November 8th, 2013 11:14 PM

Re: 21 yrs old, confused and don't know what to do.
Just spit it out & tell your parents. They are going to find out anyway! lol They'll probably be upset at first, so expect that, but they WILL come around & be supportive of you, especially once they see an ultrasound pic of their grandbaby! Have your boyfriend look into jobsnd.com and other jobs in North Dakota- lots of jobs up there, and many of the employers provide housing (but not family housing). He could go work up there, and later on you could move up there too or just stay where you are- most guys work g weeks straight, then get 2 weeks off to go home to visit their families. In the meantime, you can go to school & work toward getting a career.

lea23 November 10th, 2013 04:00 AM

My sister got pregnant at 18 and at first my dad was upset, but after my niece was born, he was a different person. I said that to let you know that even if your parents are disappointed, they will come around and be supportive.

As far as finances, hopefully you or your bf will be a ble to get a job. The next thing is to try and get rid of your debt. The way I did it, was by paying off the bills that had the smallest balance and working my way up to the largest balance. I made stupid mistakes with credit in college but since I have paid of a credit card, a personal loan, my car and I am now working on my student loan. It really does work. As far as putting money into savings, if you can start with $1 a week and then work your way up to $5 a week.

Good luck

moxiemommie November 11th, 2013 04:11 PM

Re: 21 yrs old, confused and don't know what to do.
I dont know if my story will help you, but I hope you can get something out of it. I started dating my bf (now fiance) on april 17, 2009. I had just turned 20 in feb. We found out I was pregnant May 13,2009. Yes. Less than one month, which was SHOCKING, because it was supposed to be very difficult for me to get pregnant due to scarring in my uterus- but thats a different story. I should add he and I had been aquatainces for years before that. In march, 2009 just before we started dating, he was laid off. I had just quit my job in September of 08 to attend school full time, which completely fell through, by the time I applied for my second semester and I was working hard at getting a job as a CNA- because I did have my CNA license. But at that point the economy had taken a nose dive and I couldnt even get a side job, and niether could my bf- not to due lack of trying. When I was 7 months pregnant we ended up applied for government aid, such as welfare, foodstamps, medi-cal, and WIC. Our son was born January 24, 2010. <3 In may I ended up with a part-time job. We struggled. Barely had gas money for work or to get groceries. Thankfully we had foodstamps. Our family helped us as far as throwing a great baby shower, my dad bought us a crib, and everyone bought us everything we needed which was amazing. Brian ended up getting a few side jobs- just side work for people, but nothing steady. In the process of switching from the pill to the shot, I found out I was pregnant in aug 2010. Our second son was born in may 2011. By the grace of god Brian found a job in Sept 2011. It was definitely a difficult road. Just this year we were able to get off all assistance, which was our goal from day one. Everything ended up working out and I couldnt be more happy with our boys and more in love with my fiance. That said, it was difficult. We really struggled. It was stressful, it tested our relationship. there were days I felt like I had failed. But there were also days that were very gratifying. All in all, despite the hardships, if I had to make the same decisions, I would do it all over again. Granted not all relationships do work, it takes determination, and work, but if you are both willing to put in the effort and love even when you cants stand each other, and support and are there for one another, and put your children first (but also make sure you are able to take a night alone together, even if its just someone watching the baby for you while you go to mcdonalds and get a coffee together) You will be able to get through your hardships as well. I wish you the best of luck! If you need any advice or just want to talk feel free to msg me :)

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