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-   -   unplanned pregnancy and broken up with bf (https://www.justmommies.com/forums/f100-unplanned-pregnancy/2692891-unplanned-pregnancy-and-broken-up-bf.html)

unsure23 November 17th, 2013 12:51 PM

unplanned pregnancy and broken up with bf
I am 27 and am a single mom to a 10 yr old son. I have been with my bf on and off for about 4 years. We have taken breaks and been with other people and have both been unfaithful to each other. He has been physically abusive. I stopped talking to him almost 3 weeks ago after I found out he was talking to another woman. I moved out of my apt 2 weeks ago and he doesn't know where I live and I blocked his phone number. Wanted a clean break from him. e still emails me and wants to work things out. Last time I slept with him I took plan b. I just found out Im 5 weeks pregnant. I was just starting to feel better with him out of my life. I don't know what to do. I haven't told him. but I'm sure he would want me to keep it. He lives paycheck to paycheck and smokes weed almost everyday, he's 24. I haven't told anyone about it b/c my family doesn't think it is a healthy relationship to be with him. Since I left him ive been feeling genuinely happy and thinking about my future. I just started a new job and want to go back to school. Now everything has changed. I know this sounds horrible but i keep wishing ill have a miscarriage and the relief i would feel. I know i've made a lot of poor decisions and judgments but i want to learn from them and do the right thing. Even rereading my post i cant believe I've gotten myself into this situation and feel very ashamed and stupid. I believe a baby is a blessing so maybe this happened for a reason? I'm just afraid that I would be on my own with the pregnancy and am unsure how much my ex-bf would contribute to being a parent. I dont want to live with him. I dont even really want him in my life b/c although there are good things about him the lies and the anger issues he has seem to spoil it all. He is also not a great role model to my son. I want to be in a loving and supportive relationship to have another baby. But maybe that is not in the cards for me and I should work with what Ive got? I think about how sad and empty ill feel after an abortion. Any advice on specific things I should consider before making a decision would be very helpful or if anyone has gone through a similar situation.

MIL2lissy8 November 17th, 2013 04:43 PM

Re: unplanned pregnancy and broken up with bf
i am sorry for your need to make this decision. my counsel would be to continue the pregnancy and maybe consider an open adoption. that is a win-win. i would also counsel you to NOT have a relationship with an abusive guy. in a few years, he'd have visitation and how do you know he would not hurt the child in a fit of anger or whatever? if you re-read your post, you can clearly see that you have enough negatives to this relationship to not go back. really, i hope you will consider the adoption route - so many parents are out there waiting. God bless you.

ps: i have had two unplanned pregnancies. i kept mine and struggled to make it work, ended up in a bad abusive marriage that ended with child abuse on his part, so i do know what i am talking about. i hope you can find answers that work for you.

unsure23 November 17th, 2013 06:12 PM

Re: unplanned pregnancy and broken up with bf
Thank you for replying. it means a lot more coming from someone with similar experiences

mamatomany November 17th, 2013 11:35 PM

Re: unplanned pregnancy and broken up with bf
I'm so sorry your ex was such an unkind person to you. I'm glad to hear that you and your son are safe and out of the abusive relationship. I want to encourage you, because you sound like a strong person and you've already raised a son for a number of years on your own, and that's impressive.

This little son or daughter, as unexpected as he or she is, does not have to alter your decision about your ex. I do not think you should contact him or l him have contact with you, even more so now that you are pregnant. Abusive men do not magically stop being abusive when pregnancy is involved. Whether you decide to raise this little baby as you did your son or give him or her up for adoption, you absolutely should not have your ex as part of your life for your and your children's protection.

All the ladies here will tell you that you should never consider abortion when you are unsure. Since you know you don't want to end this little life, know that you can do this alone. Also remember that while right now you may not be in a wonderful relationship, you don't know when that will happen. If you want to raise this baby, go for it. A great guy might turn up before he or she is even born. Or, as Terre mentioned, open adoption may be a good route.

For now, take a deep breath. You have a good long time before baby is born. You don't have to make all the decisions right now. Enjoy your little secret, enjoy freedom from your abusive relationship, relish carrying a new life inside you. Surround yourself with supportive friends, join a due date club on just mommies to connect with other moms due when you are. Most of all, prayers and best wishes. Keep us posted!

MerinSun November 18th, 2013 05:21 AM

Re: unplanned pregnancy and broken up with bf
Because of the physical abuse I would also say to stay away from him, no matter what you do. However, if he found out he may retaliate. For your own safety and for your children's safety, I would talk to a pregnancy counselor asap and ask the what legal steps can you take right now to protect yourself. If you have any medical records or police records of the abuse, bring them. If you don't have that, if you can get written testimony from witnesses (like your friends) that would also be helpful.

If none of that is possible and you are able to, I'd move as far away as possible and cut ties with anyone you know who also knows him who might say something. Defriend him from facebook, block his emails, etc.

Rainbow Momma November 18th, 2013 09:07 AM

Re: unplanned pregnancy and broken up with bf
I agree with the above ladies, if you dont think its a good time for you to care for the baby yourself def look into the adoption route, it can be hard yet very rewarding ( i have placed a baby up for adoption, so if you need someone to talk to about it, im here!).

Also, if he was abusive he really has no rights and if it came down to legal matters, the court would see that so you do not have to involve him at all, def dont go back to him!

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