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nickynoodle November 21st, 2013 02:11 AM

Pregnant with baby number 3 but my partner said i have to have an abortion
Hello Ladies
I am new here as i have just found out i am pregnany with my 3rd (and final ) baby but what should be a joyus time has me wishing i was dead so I didnt have all this pain.... here is my story...my partner and I are both 31 and have been together on and off 9 years with 2 beautiful boys aged 4 & 3 years they are perfect (they both have a few speech issues which I am working on with speech therapy) but other than that they are awesome kids. I will be honest... I can get quite stressed and overly emotional as my 2 preschoolers are very busy and my partner is (what his mother likes to tell me is a unique personality and is a 'free spirit'). He likes to go out and not be tied down... I used to get really angry about his lack of being at home...but now, I just take it as it comes (he's not the type to cheat he just enjoys hanging with his friends). He is quite highly strung as he has his own business and it is very up and down at certain times which means he can get quite demanding and moody sometimes (my family get upset by what he is like but they are just as bad)... So enough about our past life drama....BUT NOW it gets worse. I found out i am pregnant!! and after only a few months off the depo (due to medical issues) and had pretty much been told by a doctor that it would take well over 6 months to even become fertile again... yes i am naive and BOOM 2 months later here i am. My partner has said I AM HAVING AN ABORTION NO QUESTION!! and to start with i thought maybe I should have one because he doesnt need anymore stress, but after seeing the scan and the heartbeat that told me I was 6 weeks along, I dont think I can go through with it. He has an idea now that i want to have the baby and is now telling me at every chance he can.... that if I am selfish and if I do have the baby I obviously dont love our boys we have and he will leave the boys and me and the unwanted piece of tissue that will ruin my life! Im a mess and dont know what to do at all... I dont want my boys to hate me for having this baby but I also know if I even tried to have an abortion it will mess me up mentally. I have also had 4 miscarriages and they were some of the hardest times in my life so abortion just doesnt seem realistic at all...I just dont know what to do and any advise would be greatly appreciated. Sorry to ramble on.
Thanks in advance

mamatomany November 21st, 2013 09:32 AM

Re: Pregnant with baby number 3 but my partner said i have to have an abortion
I am so sorry your partner is being such an awful jerk about his little baby girl or boy. I don't understand how he could look at your two beautiful children and talk like that about your third and I can't imagine how painful it must be for you. It is completely unfair and cruel to emotionally bully and manipulate you to end this baby's life and it just makes me feel sick, I'm so so sorry!

On the practical side of things, the baby's only hope of safety right now is you, and no matter how hard it is you've got to stand up to this kind of emotional abuse. If this guy leaves you it will be hard, it it will be for the better because if he does he's not worth having around. Surround yourself right now with supportive friends and family and be firm about your decision to your partner. Honestly, if I were you I would pack up my boys and leave. That kind of emotional abuse is so awful.

As for the stress with little kids, I totally know how crazy it can be! But I want to encourage you that it will just get easier and easi and I don't ever want you to have guilt or pain or regret about this little girl or boy you're carrying right now.

Big hugs, I hope things get better for you soon. Be strong Mama! Keep us posted!

Rainbow Momma November 21st, 2013 09:43 AM

Re: Pregnant with baby number 3 but my partner said i have to have an abortion
hun, im so sorry you're going through this! Dont let him make you feel like you have to have an abortion. it should be a joint decision. And if he says all that, is that someone you really want in your life and around your boys?

If you dont think you can handle having an abortion or think you can care for this baby, adoption is always an option!

nickynoodle November 21st, 2013 12:46 PM

Re: Pregnant with baby number 3 but my partner said i have to have an abortion
I have always believed children are a gift... and my first pregnancy ended when I went for an ultrasound at 14 weeks to find the baby had passed at 9 weeks, I ended up having a d&c and it was the worse time of my life... I bet myself up, I turned to drugs and I drunk myself into a state every day and started to break the law and push everybody close to me away. I lost my family, my friends and my partner. It was a huge wake up call when I ended up living in a unroad worthy car I had been given to use. I started to pick up the peices and a few months later found out I was pregnant with my now 4 year old... I was still drinking heavily and occasionally using drugs but the minute I saw the 2 lines it all stopped. It was a hard pregnancy as I had alcohol withdrawls, threatened miscarriages and he stopped growing at 32 weeks.... but he was worth everything I went through and more. 4 months after he was born (im still unsure how as I was on the mini pill and breastfeeding a premy every 2 hours) I feel pregnant again and the next year my 2nd son was born. Life was far from boring and everybody would make comment and say 'oh you have your hands full'. At times I felt awful for my boys because I couldn't give them both the one on one attention they needed but they have turned out pretty **** awesome and they are so close. My partner has actually said with all of my pregnancies that he doesnt want the baby but he did come round with the boys but has said there is no way he will ever accept this one. My family know and are supportive and one of the main reasons I dont think I can have an abortion is because my grandparents who I am very close too couldnt have children and my mum was adopted, how could I have an abortion when there are people that would give anything to be able to have a child like my Nana... even though they are supportive they are not in a position to house me and the boys if needed and over the course of our relationship I have lost all my friends. I will be doing this all on my own and it scares me immensely. My partners mother knows and she said he will come around and that his father was the same with all their 4 children but she has no.idea how anti he is about this pregnancy, he keeps saying its just tissue but I saw the heartbeat and I just cried knowing that this poor innocent life is already hated by one of their parents and the poor thing hasnt even had a chance to prove itself. Thank you for the support it is lovely to be on a site where you can say what you need and be supportes and not shut out.

mamatomany November 21st, 2013 04:29 PM

Re: Pregnant with baby number 3 but my partner said i have to have an abortion
I am so sorry about all the hard things you've gone through. You're a very strong person and clearly are willing to love your children so sacrificially, it's beautiful.

I do not say this lightly, but I think you need to take steps to leave your partner. He is abusing you emotionally and clearly is much more interested in himself than your emotional health, or your children. Here are some steps you can take, and I'm sure other ladies can help with more info too. It may be that you can get back together, but it appears that he sees he has power over you because you don't have anywhere to go, and he's using that to abuse and manipulate you verbally and emotionally.

-- go to a crisis pregnancy center, if you tell me your state I can help you find some. They will be able to point you toward organizations and agencies that can help you get out on your own and provide you with government aid while you get on your feet

-- go to your local WIC/Medicaid office and find out what benefits you and your boys will be eligible for. There is much aid available for people in your situation and it can make all the difference getting you set up in housing while you get on your feet

-- find out if there is a local church with a ministry designed to help women in your position. In our town I know there is a group that organizes local churches to help those with any needs and there may be something in your town or city also

Please keep us posted and let us be part of your support network while you work through this.

nickynoodle November 23rd, 2013 02:03 AM

Re: Pregnant with baby number 3 but my partner said i have to have an abortion
I live in New Zealand and I have no idea of what we have here in support.... I decided today I want to leave him but dont know how... he has sunk to the lowest of lows tonight and ditched me yet again after going off at me saying im lazy and I ended up in controlable tears. I am having a bit of bleeding and I text and told him and he has ignored me. Im so alone anyway so whats the point in being aloneand abused by sstaying where I am. I cant find out if all is ok with baby until Monday (36 hours exactly) and im stuffed even if the bleeding gets worse and I need to go the emergency room because I have nobody to have the boys. This is just the worse feeling ever. Im praying baby will be ok so it gives me even more motivation to leave.

MerinSun November 23rd, 2013 08:51 AM

Re: Pregnant with baby number 3 but my partner said i have to have an abortion
I think the other ladies have addressed practical things you can do but I just wanted to jump in here and let you know that your boys won't hate you for having another baby. They'll need to adjust and they'll be upset about the *CHANGES* a baby brings but that will settle down quite quickly.

Do you have any family that you can stay with this weekend? I just hate the idea of you being stuck if you needed emergency help. It's bad enough that you have to wait so long for assurance that everything is okay.

mamatomany November 23rd, 2013 09:59 AM

Re: Pregnant with baby number 3 but my partner said i have to have an abortion
I agree with MerinSun. I did some quick looking and New Zealand appears to have good support available to you.

Here is a website specifically for women suffering abuse:
Making homes violence free in NZ | Shine

And another, with information on getting financial aid:

A crisis pregnancy site:

Family Life Pregnancy Centre
425 A Dominion Rd
Mt Eden
Ph: 0800 FORLIFE (367 5433)

Anyway, I'm not sure where you are in New Zealand, but those sites should help you figure out the best place to contact first. There is definitely aid available for you and your little ones. I second MerinSun-- it's time to go now. If you have any family or friends who can take you in for this weekend, or a little money to get a hotel, just go. There is a support network available to you and ince you contact the šitizen advice bureau you can get things in place to get out on your own. Best wishes and thanks for the update!

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