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jumpingoffplace January 4th, 2014 01:42 PM

I'm too old for this!
Hi ladies... I'm glad to find a page where other mom's might understand where I'm coming from...

I'm 35, divorced with 2 kids that I love more than life. A few months ago I started dating who I thought was a really nice guy, but turned out to have more "issues" than I can handle. Mental health, "alternative lifestyle," and a long list of other things. I don't want to bash him so I won't get into it all. All I know is that the situation, if I allowed it to continue, would be incredibly unhealthy for me and my kids.

Then I found out I'm pregnant... (I was on the pill) I told him and he immediately wanted us to move in together and get married. He doesn't understand why I don't want to- tries to portray as I just don't like his kids which isn't true. What I don't like is his lack of parenting them. Moving along...

I have a good career. I'm a software engineering consultant and get work coming at me from all sides. Financially I don't need him and he knows that- and hates it. I never considered abortion (and won't) because I don't think I could live with myself. I love children and truly didn't think I would ever have more, but the more time passes the more the idea of snuggling a newborn is something I'm looking forward to.

In the next two weeks I'll be moving away from him into my dream home (we're currently neighbors) and he's all bent out of shape that I don't want them coming with me. I'm not willing to have my life completely hijacked. He had it all planned out... I could cart his kids to everything they needed to go to- forget that I work 80 hours a week. Forget that I have two kids too. When I said I couldn't do that he said he would quit his job since my income is "more than enough." Red flags everywhere. Everywhere.... Ugh.

I've made my decisions and I'm ok with them, but I'm anxious as can be about it all. Can I really do this? What about after the baby is born- how much do I have to let him in my life then? It's all very nerve wracking and some times it gets the best of me.


Thanks for letting me share.

MerinSun January 4th, 2014 04:33 PM

Re: I'm too old for this!
Oooo this is tough! First off, CONGRATS! Not just on the new baby but for being a strong enough of a person to know what kind of person is healthy or not healthy for you!

As for custody things, I think you're going to need a counselor or a legal aid. I know that sounds awful but if he is that needy and doesn't seem like he's going to respect your boundaries I would get an iron clad legal agreement asap. Unless you can prove that his lifestyle and home are unsafe for a baby I don't think you can deny him access to this baby. So something is going to have to be worked out.

I think you can do this. You know what babies are like and how crazy and nutso life can get when they show up. You're going to have extra challenges but hopefully they'll be more mole hills than mountains :).

jumpingoffplace January 4th, 2014 05:08 PM

Re: I'm too old for this!
Thank you! I'm really excited about the baby. It was a HUGE shock at first, but I've adjusted and am looking forward to it. I have two other children, 3 and 2. I will certainly have my hands full, but I'm sure I'll love every second of it.

He keeps trying to invite himself over here. Until today I was so sick I could barely function and was reserving all of my energy for work and kids (which wasn't much- ugh). Today is the first break from debilitating fatigue and morning sickness I've had in 2 weeks. I took advantage of it by packing. The other day he tried to invite himself and his girls over here for dinner, a.k.a "Cook dinner for us." I refused.

Legally, I know that I am in really good standing. I have a more than stable and adequate income to provide for the baby and while the courts here don't like to shut the fathers out, their access is generally limited, especially when the child is very young. I don't want to have to get an entire legal team involved- but will if I need to. He's not a "bad" guy in the sense that he is violent- but he does have some debilitating mental health issues that greatly concern me when it comes to a child. He has what he calls "anxiety attacks" that leave him a zombie for MONTHS- as in he can't go to work, can't deal with anyone/anything, etc. I'm not sure I want to place my child in that kind of environment. He barely holds it together. When we first met I thought he was just "nervous." But as I got to know him I realized it was him trying to keep himself from coming apart.

I'm thankful that I have a wonderful circle of friends to call on if I need help. I don't call on them often enough, but I know they are there if I need them. Just typing all of this out has helped me to let go of the anxiety a bit. I will do what I have to do to give this baby the best life I can- no matter what that means, just as I do for the two children I have now. I'm a mom, that's what we do, right? :)

MerinSun January 6th, 2014 08:36 PM

Re: I'm too old for this!
It's bizarre how motherhood teaches you to handle more than you ever thought you could :)

I would recommend that you keep a diary of his behaviors so that if he becomes unstable it is documented. I wish you the best of luck with your pregnancy and hope you have a healthy baby :)

jumpingoffplace January 6th, 2014 09:21 PM

Re: I'm too old for this!
Thank you!!!! :)

razzledobe January 7th, 2014 06:49 AM

Re: I'm too old for this!
I rarely comment in here but I just had to. Good for you for having your life together and being able to be independent and do what is right for your family. Sounds like you're being objective when it comes to your perception of this guy - zombie for months at a time? ahhhh no. Does he currently have full custody of his girls? Do what you gotta do!!

jumpingoffplace January 7th, 2014 11:25 AM

Re: I'm too old for this!
Thanks so much Razzledobe! I really appreciate your comment. It's not easy, but I have to do what is best for me and my children. He has 50/50 custody of his daughters and sadly, neither home is what I would consider good for them.

I never, in a million years, thought I would be in the position, but here I am. :) For now, I'm trying to let go of the anxiety and just focus on the present. One day at a time.

whole30health January 8th, 2014 03:49 PM

Re: I'm too old for this!
This is a really hard situation to be in, but don't let it get the better of you! You're obviously level headed enough to make the decisions that are truly best for you and your children...listen to your instinct and intuition as a mother because from what I can tell it seems to be spot on. In life, we always encounter curve balls that we aren't expecting, but you seem to be in a prime position for handling them with grace. Those red flag behaviors can be unsettling because you never know what they could turn into. That being said, I agree with MerinSun that keeping track of his behaviors and any incidents that arise might be a good idea. Having documentation is not going to hurt. In the end, you may have spent time jotting things down for nothing, but if necessary, you have something that allows you to say, "Look, this is not a healthy situation for my baby, my other children, or myself, and here's why." And, as much as we all sometimes dream about that perfect situation...marriage and a family and what not and so forth...sometimes it's a blessing. Even though you are pregnant and faced with a potentially difficult situation, you are saved some complications by the fact alone that you aren't married to him, at least. Like you said, focus on the present. Take things one day at a time and deal with them as they come!

jumpingoffplace January 8th, 2014 05:34 PM

Re: I'm too old for this!
Thank you Whole30... If it's any indication where HIS mind is... I drew the "line in the sand" 2 weeks ago. It wasn't an official "I never want to see you again." I was very clear that I felt we needed to take a few steps back; that I was uncomfortable with the haste he wanted to proceed in. He asked if we could still be friends and I agreed. Since then he has not once asked me about the pregnancy or anything else of importance. What limited attempts of communication he has made has revolved around small talk- road conditions, weather. Huh?

It's ok. He's making it very easy for me to move forward with life without regrets. I will never regret this little baby- even though it came as a shock. :) I just have to do what I have to do to give all of my children the best life I can.

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