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-   -   Terrified... & Not Sure if Abortion is Right for Me. (https://www.justmommies.com/forums/f100-unplanned-pregnancy/2706736-terrified-and-not-sure-if-abortion-right-for-me.html)

anonymouse February 4th, 2014 07:35 PM

Terrified... & Not Sure if Abortion is Right for Me.
I am a 21-year-old college student and in a stable, loving relationship with my boyfriend. Obviously, though, this pregnancy was a complete accident. I stopped taking birth control in December because of bad side affects. When our condom broke last month, I thought I had done everything right by taking the morning after pill. But lo and behold, it failed, and I found out I was pregnant several weeks later.

My boyfriend is very supportive and says he is on my side no matter what, but he also has admitted that with us being so young and at such an inconvenient time in our lives, it would probably be a mistake to keep it (or at least very, very difficult). I know he is right about this... but it hasn't made the decision any easier for me, and when it comes down to it, I am dreading the idea of going back to a clinic in a week to have an abortion. Most college girls would probably think I am crazy for even struggling with this decision, but I can't help it... it just feels so awful to me.

My parents have made their opinion clear: I need to "take care of it" as soon as possible (my mother and sister have both had abortions before themselves). I know I would completely alienate my family if I went against them, but I am just sooo conflicted....... not that I'm ready to be a parent, but I don't feel ready to terminate either.

Does anyone have advice or been in a similar situation??!! I feel very desperate and afraid... thank you.

mamatomany February 4th, 2014 08:31 PM

Re: Terrified... & Not Sure if Abortion is Right for Me.
I'm so, so sorry you're in this situation. All of the ladies who come to ths board will tell you that if you are at ALL conflicted you should absolutely not go through with the abortion. YOU are the mother of this baby and the one who will have to deal with emotions after an abortion, not your boyfriend, not your mother and sister. If you do not think you want to, please please please do not let anyone pressure you in any way to get one.

If you want to raise this baby don't let the idea of inconvenice stop you. Very, very few of us got pregnant at a 'convenient' time. And if you wait until it's 'convenient' that time may never come. Or what seemed convenient might change after you have the baby. We have no way to predict the future, we can only make choices and then embrace the choic. As far as college goes, colleges are excellent at helping parents finish school. There are so many aid programs, childcare programs, and grants. Even more aid will now be available to yiu as you have a dependent.

It is true that if you keep this baby your family will probably be upset for a while. Perhaps even until the baby is born. They may say hurtful things and become very unsupportive and pressuring. But your son or daughter's life is not in their hands and it's not their decision. And believe me, when they see that sweet little face for the first time they will absolutely be done with all that and very well may turn into crazily doting relatives. If not, they're the ones missing out.

Anyway, I really encourage you not to let the stress of being told you shouldn't take on this challenge eat at you. You are the mother, the baby is growing in you, not them. What they did when it was their decision really has nothing to do with you, and don't let them try to make it about that.

Your boyfriend is supportive. If you want this baby, make it clear, ask for his support, and then face your family together. If he's willing to man up and be a dad to this baby, you're home free. If not, it will be harder, but you've totally got this. I encourage you to join a due date board here on just mommies. You can talk with other women due the same month you are and it's very encouraging. You may even find other moms in your same situation.

In any case, best wishes and please keep us posted.

One more quick thing. You mentioned you might not be ready to be a parent. I just wanted to encourage you that pretty much none of us are the first time :). I don't think you can be 'ready' for the glorious, crazy ride that is parenthood. And you can't ever imagine the overwhelming love and joy either. Big hugs to you!

mamatomany February 4th, 2014 08:40 PM

Re: Terrified... & Not Sure if Abortion is Right for Me.
Double post!

anonymouse February 5th, 2014 07:09 PM

Re: Terrified... & Not Sure if Abortion is Right for Me.
Thanks so much for the kind advice, mamatomany, I really appreciate it. My dad just spoke to me (via text) for the first time today since he found out I was pregnant a week and a half ago... honestly, it's the telling my parents part that I am most terrified about--telling them I want to keep it would be WAY harder than telling them I was pregnant!

I guess I won't know anything for sure until I get the pregnancy confirmed with an ultrasound on the 11th... the first time I went in, it was too early for anything to show up so at this point I still have no idea about the health/viability of the baby.

MIL2lissy8 February 5th, 2014 09:20 PM

Re: Terrified... & Not Sure if Abortion is Right for Me.
brooke said it so beautifully! i hope you will re-read her post and really consider her advice. i would agree with her that if you feel conflicted at all, don't have an abortion. the guilt will always be part of your life, if you do that with an unsure mind.

having been in a situation of being single, pregnant after a date-rape and making very little money at a basic job, i chose to sacrifice for my baby and have not ever once regretted it. yes, there were hard days, but any mom has those. if you have a heart and a will, you CAN handle this too. and trust me when i say that parents do get mad at us, but when the baby comes they quickly seem to forget all the objections they had for the 9 months prior.

i so strongly encourage you to get counseling before you make such a lifechanging decision and definitely NOT at planned parenthood (they push for abortion, not giving you alternatives). there are agencies out there that can help you make a rational choice based on facts not lies.

and last but not least, there is always adoption. it may not sound like an easy choice to make but at least you give your baby life and bring joy to parents that may have no other option.

i pray that you make a good sound decision and that i will be reading about how happy you are 9 months from now!

anonymouse February 10th, 2014 04:55 PM

Re: Terrified... & Not Sure if Abortion is Right for Me.
Thanks for your advice everyone.

UPDATE: I go back to the clinic tomorrow for the ultrasound (basically just to confirm that the pregnancy is not an ectopic) and then, theoretically, to discuss the abortion pill... I still feel the same as I did before, but my mom has been insistent on telling me that although it may be "sad", I basically have no other choice... My boyfriend and I still have practically no money of our own, and I think that is what she means by no choice.
Nothing is final yet of course, but I am still very afraid of my family and freaked out about the entire thing :/ My boyfriend is coming over tonight and I pray that he will be supportive of me not wanting to terminate...

I know that I am only 6 weeks and anything can still happen, but all I really want is someone telling me I can do this. Someone supportive and confident, someone who believes in me. I still haven't really had a single person like that yet, and I'm starting to believe it's because I'm in the wrong here :/ My boyfriend means very well but is still (understandably) shaky about all this.

momof8lopez February 10th, 2014 07:54 PM

Re: Terrified... & Not Sure if Abortion is Right for Me.
O sweetie, I know how you feel right now, in this very moment. I wanted so desperately for someone to say those words to me over 22yrs ago. Anyone. None of my family and even bf at the time would. I felt so lost and un-supported. My out come was not what I had hoped for, not in the least.

I will tell you this sweetheart, I don't know you from adam, but YOU CAN DO THIS. You will be a good mother. You DO HAVE THE ABILITY to do this, even if it looks bleak right now. I promise you this, don't make the same mistake so many women do at an early age when all they can think about is money......sure we need it, sure we need to provide for our children, but theres help out there. Research your but off, look into WIC programs in your area. Look into medicaid for insurance, look into food asistance. Don't let money be the reason you terminate. Im all pro choice for women, but terminating due to money IMO is just not a reason. Just by you reaching out on this board shows how much you love your little one already. Clearly, terminating is not what you want. If your family and bf push for termination, PUSH BACK. Force him to provide, force them if they want you in their life to help you when you need it most. I believe in you. I don't know you, but I BELIEVE IN YOU. Good luck sweety.

mamatomany February 10th, 2014 08:33 PM

Re: Terrified... & Not Sure if Abortion is Right for Me.
I pray too that your boyfriend will be supportive. You do, like momof8lopez said, need to make your own wishes and feelings very clear to him and give him a chance to support you. Just hoping he'll guess that you need someone to tell you to do it won't work-- guys aren't mind readers as we all know :). It will be challenging, none of us can pretend it won't be. But I want you to know that it's okay to choose the great and amazing rewards that those challenges bring with them and not to feel guilty about it. You can't stop your family from pressuring you and making you feel inadequate and like you have no choice. But you *can* choose to do what you want and embrace this pregnancy and this little baby and tell them that. If you put your foot down and tell them you know it won't be easy and you don't care, and ask for their support, they may come around. They also may not, but if what you truly want is to be this baby's mother and receive it into your arms, you're not going to be happy agreeing to the abortion and you will definitely feel negative feelings towards those who pressured you.

There are ways to make it work, it will be tight at first, but no baby minded having a secondhand stroller and no designer clothes. By the time your little son or daughter is old enough to know anything about it you'll be in a much more financially stable position. Please don't let money decide this for you, it's not something you'll look back on and think was the right choice.

Tonight, when your boyfriend is over, tell him the truth. Bare your soul. You're carrying his child, a baby made from your love, and you truly want to bring this baby into your life and make you a family. That is incredible, it's beautiful, and it's show stoppingly great. Don't mince words, don't be apologetic, just tell him how you feel. Ask him to be 110% behind you and his baby.

All the best for you. And please, don't give up. You will look back on this as a big life step for you one way or the other and I don't want you to have regrets.

cooper1414 February 11th, 2014 09:26 AM

Re: Terrified... & Not Sure if Abortion is Right for Me.
Please do not go through with this abortion. No one should ever let others pressure them into something so permanent. You obviously are very conflicted and want to keep the baby. You are the mother, you get to make the decision to keep this child. Not your parents, friends, boyfriend, etc. I know so many people that were in similar situations that chose life for their child. I have never heard one of them say that they wished they chose to abort. I have also had friends that have chosen abortion. I have also heard regrets from that decision. I don't know if you have gone in or not, but if so and you have taken the first of the pills, it too, can sometimes be reversed. Don't let them tell you it is too late. There are hotlines to get you in touch with doctors that are willing to help with this situation. Please do not go through with this just out of pressure from others...

Can RU-486 be Reversed?

anonymouse February 14th, 2014 02:49 PM

Re: Terrified... & Not Sure if Abortion is Right for Me.
UPDATE: I had a pre-set appointment to return to the clinic this morning for the abortion pill, but I simply couldn't do it. I panicked and cancelled my appointment several hours before I was supposed to go in. Now my parents are REALLY putting the pressure on... they both gave me a long, stern lecture on the phone reiterating the fact that this is not just about me.... that it is unfair to everyone in my life, namely them, the rest of my family, my boyfriend, and mostly to the child (because they say I am nowhere near emotionally ready to support it). They keep saying that my boyfriend is simply being nice but doesn't really "mean it" when he says he is okay with whatever I choose. My dad even said that he would drive down and drag me to the abortion clinic himself if I didn't reschedule an appointment ASAP. :(
I just keep crumbling to tears and I feel as if my whole life is falling apart. I've never had a great relationship with my parents or even particularly liked them, but they have a way of silencing me and controlling me and they know it. It's just a horrible situation and I feel so trapped and afraid... It is so hard to stand up for myself against them when they have put me through school, supported me (financially, not exactly emotionally), and raised me my whole life. I am so conflicted and hurt and really need more support from any ladies on this board if you have it to give...

Thank you :(

mamatomany February 14th, 2014 03:49 PM

Re: Terrified... & Not Sure if Abortion is Right for Me.
Honey, I am so sorry! What your dad said to you is truly awful (and also very illegal, by the way). Couple things:

First, one thing is clear. You love this baby and want to keep him or her. Now is the time to lean on your boyfriend and take a stand against your parents. Clearly this will not be easy. However, this is *your* child. Not theirs. Yes, they raised you and supported you financially, but no truly loving parent will use that to force their adult child to end their baby's life. It's time for you to take a stand, and if necessary, cut ties with them for a while. I firmly believe they will change their tune once their granddaughter or grandson is born, but whether you want to let them back into your life at that point will be up to you.

Bottom line, your boyfriend is supportive. You want your baby. End of story. Considering what you've written here if you go through with the abortion not only will you be heartbroken and wracked with guilt, it will probably destroy any positive relationship you have left with your parents. Not only that, but going along with them when they are acting like this will only give them further reason to pressure you to do whatever they think you should in any area of your life they want to interfere in. It's not healthy for them, and especially not for you.

You are a woman, and more importantly, you are a mother. And you are the only one who can protect your child right now.

Second, it is absolutely not unfair to you or your boyfriend to make a family together. Honestly, that's ridiculous to even say. Just because *they* don't want you to have a baby doesn't mean they can project those feelings onto you or your boyfriend.

Third, the idea that giving the gift of life and love to a little baby is somehow 'selfish' is so silly it's unbeleivable. Motherhood is all about unselfishness, giving, and self sacrifice for someone you love so much it hurts. Please don't let anyone tell you these feelings you have aren't beautiful.

My two cents? Here's what you need to do.
1. Open up to your boyfriend. Talk to him about how your parents are treating you and ask for his emotional support to stand up to them. This is not just about your baby, it's about the rest of your life. You need to draw a line in the sand and show them that you and your boyfriend stand together and are grownups. It will be great to have a good relationship with the , and hopefully that will happen someday, but giving in to unloving and bullying pressure will NOT get you to a good relationship with them.

2. Choose life, choose excitement, choose happiness. Surround yourself with friends who can be excited for you. Your town probably has MOPS (a moms group) or various playgroups and they will welcome you with open arms. It's totally fine that your baby is still on the inside. A lot of your current girlfriends will probably be super excited too -- find someone to go shopping with you. Pick out a baby outfit or something maternity wear. This is your pregnancy, and don't let negativity spoil these first few months.

3. I know this is going to sound serious, but if you at all think your father is going to do what he said and come try to force you to get an abortion please call the police and look into getting a restraining order. If you think it's just a threat to manipulate you emotionally I advise you to stop answering his calls. Seriously, not another one. It's totally unacceptable to treat you that way.

Anyway, I wish I could give you a big hug and a cup of coffee! I can't imagine what you're going through and I'll be praying for strength for you. It must be so hard to have parents acting that way. Don't give up on your baby, mama. You've got this, keep your eye on that sweet prize and take a stand for what you know you want. You will never, ever regret that, no matter how hard it is.

cooper1414 February 14th, 2014 04:23 PM

Re: Terrified... & Not Sure if Abortion is Right for Me.
Exactly what mamatomany said! Please do not let them pressure you into this. There are support groups out there! Look up your local crisis pregnancy center, NOT planned parenthood. They will help you get the resources and support you need. You most definitely should keep your child. Your parents will most likely come around, they are just shocked and trying to flex their muscles over you now. Don't let them! You get to choose life for this baby!

Being a mom is hard, but it is soooo rewarding! Imagine that beautiful baby smiling up at you. Imagine the love that child will have for you. You will be able to provide for him or her and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Get resourceful. Look up places near you. ANY local church should also be able to point you in the right direction for help as well. It's not the end of the world and you can do this! This baby needs you to make the decision for life. It's not selfish, just the opposite. Good luck and please keep us posted.

momof8lopez February 14th, 2014 09:15 PM

Re: Terrified... & Not Sure if Abortion is Right for Me.
I agree with previours posters. Its your baby, your life! Not many people are "emotionally" ready for a baby...21, 31 or even 41. Being a parent for the first time, no matter your age, is a big emotional step. You will do just fine. Heck there are 16yr old's who are trully great mothers......we all just need a little support, emotionally, no matter age. Take a stand, be strong, this will show the them just how strong and ready you are....maybe they need to see you be this way in order to realize how emotionally ready you are!

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