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-   -   At a crossroads (https://www.justmommies.com/forums/f100-unplanned-pregnancy/2706751-crossroads.html)

stressed out February 4th, 2014 09:52 PM

At a crossroads
I'm a 35 years old and have had 4 previous abortions due to my partner having children of his own and expressing each time that we are not ready. Most of the complaints are financial. I just found out I'm about 4-5 weeks pregnant and recently laid off from my job. As I was the primary bread winner of the family this is a devastating time to find out about the pregnancy. I want to have children but don't know what I should do. I've never been a person to receive assistance and have no support system.
I'm just at a crossroads over having yet another abortion or raising a child alone broke and possibly homeless...
I just really need some non-judgemental advice. Under better financial circumstances I would jump at the chance to be a mother, I just don't want my child to suffer because of my selfishness.

mamatomany February 4th, 2014 10:56 PM

Re: At a crossroads
As other ladies on this board will point out, there is never a 'perfect' time to have children. Your life can change at any moment, and you never know what next month will bring. Here's a thought experiment: if three months from now you have your job back, get a raise, and have financial stability, will you regret having an abortion? We don't know what's coming next. We have to choose and go for it. You want to have children, you are currently pregnant with a child. Let go of the stress, the worry, and the fear over the uncertainly and let yourself get excited about this life inside you.

On the practical level, you have 8 months to prepare. That's more than enough time to find a new job if you won't be able to get back into your old one. There are lots of programs available to help you get back on your feet. Don't feel bad if you need to use some -- you've been paying taxes on your income to help people in hard situations. If it's your turn now that's exactly what it's there for.

Above all, please don't feel somehow selfish for wanting to mother this little child you are carrying. Becoming a mother is love and sacrifice, it's not selfishness. Loving and wanting your unborn child is not somehow taking advantage of him or her. Don't let anyone try to tell you that these deep feelings are somehow an indulgence of selfish thoughts. They are not.

When you say your other abortions were due to your partner's feeling it makes me feel like you were somehow emotionally pressured into them. I don't know if that's what you meant, but if so, you need to take control. You say you want to have children. Choose to have them. If your partner won't be supportive, find friends or family who can. You CAN do this, don't let anyone tell you that you can't. It doesn't mean it will all be easy and smooth sailing, but if it's what you want you will get through the rough parts and gain the sweet rewards.

I encourage you to join a due date board here on just mommies and you can get support and encouragement from other moms due the same month you are. Above all, best wishes, and please keep us posted!

Cervix Cramps Suck February 5th, 2014 01:50 PM

Re: At a crossroads
At 35, you and your partner should be taking precautions to not become pregnant if you're not ready/wanting. Don't put your body through more trauma because he just doesn't want to have a more children. Do what YOU want to do. It's your body.

With that being said, there is ALWAYS a way to financially support a family/child.

There are programs, and you can budget. Seriously, if you go the breastfeeding route, either by pumping or otherwise, you have plenty of time to save money/get on programs to help fee the child.

My partners income varies depending on the time of year with HVAC, some months he can bring in $4k-$5k, other times, $1200.

You're baby will need to start weaning from breastmilk/formula eventually. Rather than spending $1.00+ go out and buy the fruits and veggies and prepare their meal ahead of time.

Instead of wasting money on disposable diapers, buy cloth.

These things MAY take more time out of your day, but they're not unmanagebale, ans safer/healthier in the long run.

cooper1414 February 11th, 2014 09:32 AM

Re: At a crossroads
Having the baby is the opposite of selfishness. Like the others have said, financial issues can be remedied. Buy cloth, breastfeed, etc. We have children and I too, worried about the cost. However, I would not change our decisions to raise our family one bit based on money. Go with your gut and keep the baby.

lemieuxcrew February 17th, 2014 06:06 AM

Re: At a crossroads
I agree. Join a board. For me abortion is an important choice that women have. But it isn't birth control! There are some girls here who are so young, have no work experience, have no husband, no support, no ability to make money. That is what it came down to for me. I got a "Surprise" and am not ready. I really don't want to be pregnant right now. But you know what? I am 35, employable, married, and have no excuse other than I was too lazy to go get a condom. For me, that wasn't good enough. Im as pro choice as you get, but prochoice doesn't me it was my choice for my circumstance! In the end, you can only decide that or yourself. But you seem in a much better place than most woman posting here. Plus - at 35 I doubt you will regret it. The DDC boards are a great help. I hope you join one! Good luck!!!!

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