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horseshoe February 18th, 2014 04:59 AM

What to do...
So...I have already put a post up in the "Am I pregnant" thread, for some reason I am not able to put the link to it in my message... it has some background info but I just felt as though I needed a bit of a vent.

So my boyfriend and i have been sort of together for 4 years (we both had bad break ups with our ex's so weren't yet "ready) but properly a couple for 2 years). We both plan on marrying each other having children, he would like four children...but not yet. Anyways so I was honest and told him there was a mishap with my BC pills, he then (even though I had told him) finished inside of me a few times. Like it says in the above mentioned thread we have sex a bare minimum of once a day, usually a couple times a day and he almost always finishes inside of me but it has never been an issue as I'm on the BC pill and in 12 years have never had any issues. So moving forward there is the slight possibility that I am pregnant right now. I'm either having ovulation symptoms or pregnancy symptoms but apparently I've learned those are exactly the same basically. Why doesn't the female body just have a pregnancy on or off light!? haha. We both are waiting until I can test next week but we decided to start talking about "what if's" just in case. BAD IDEA but how can you not? At first he was of course shocked of the notion of me having a baby but said no matter what I decide he is by my side. He wants children but this is just much earlier than he planned. NOW however he has flatly said that he will not have kids right now and although he hasn't directly said "you must have an abortion" the way he says things is basically saying "I want you to have an abortion if you are pregnant and we won't be having babies for years so don't even bother" sort of thing. We're 26 and 27 years old, we both have good careers, but we do not own a house. He keeps panicking saying that if I am pregnant we will have to buy a house, change careers (our current jobs take us away from home half of the year), what will I do for a career and we're not in a great financial position. All these things are things I understand and empathize with and also worry about. He even tried telling me I would have to sell my animals if a baby came (which by the way I think is a disgusting practice, you buy an animal for life...not as a disposable item to chuck away when you start a family). That is obviously a no go. He is mad, thinks we aren't ready, that our lives will be over, that it will effect our relationship and we won't be able to do anything fun or travel anymore. So he is basically scaring himself and would like me to get an abortion which has infuriated me. I am 100% pro choice and I keep weighing the pros/cons in my head. Yet currently I know that if I am pushed into having an abortion I think I will resent him forever. I already am beginning to resent him for the situation we are in right now and with him reacting the way he has, because he has always said if an accident happened it would be fine (no abortion). He blamed me (and then proceeded to take it back) that this was entirely my fault and that he trusted me (which I can understand, but it was an honest mistake...most of my gfs screw their BC pills up regularly, something which I have, like I said never done in 12 years). My other problem with that is that he finishes inside me every time so obviously as an adult doing that you accept that something COULD happen...ESPECIALLY after I specifically told him there was a pill mix up and yet he still surprised me and finished inside me. Anyways so I am trying my best not to think about this but how can you not? I feel like if I am not pregnant, I know I will be half relieved but half very sad as I had gotten used to the idea now. If I am pregnant and have a baby I feel like he might resent me for "ruining our lives" but really what is the difference between now and 3 years from now (which is when he wanted to start having kids)? I'm worried my life "will be over" but I also am just scared. I also feel like if I have an abortion I will never forgive myself or him. The idea of even having one has already stirred up resentment toward him. I have always wanted to be a Mom, but only recently got "baby fever" in the last year. I'm not one of those insanely career driven women, who would willingly put babies on hold until after I'm 32 or so. I'm the youngest sibling and my parents had me when they were 39 and I NEVER want to be that "old" (no offence intended to any older Mum's here this is just my personal experience/opinion) to have children. It was always different having older parents growing up. Anyways I guess I just wanted to vent and to also ask if anyone has gone through something like this?

lemieuxcrew February 18th, 2014 06:10 AM

Re: What to do...
You seem to have a good head on your shoulders about this. If I were you I would get some early tests (some do a week before missed LMP) and join a due date board if you are pregnant! You are at a great age for this. Your man's reaction is not uncommon. I bet he comes around.

(PS - Im 100% pro-choice too. But you eluded to this - to terminate for your boyfriend or as birth control when you both knew better could lead to resentment. )

(PPS - dont get rid of your animals!!!! lol)

horseshoe February 19th, 2014 01:52 AM

Re: What to do...
Thanks for your reply! My period should have arrived this week, but it's only just Wednesday...plus since I stopped my BC pills and my period was messed up before I have no idea what to expect. I'm going to try to get my hands on a test this weekend so hopefully that isn't too early. I stopped talking about the situation about four days ago and I don't plan on mentioning it again until I know for sure either way. Although I know no matter the result I will be emotional. Hahaha no I would never ever get rid of my animals. I am extremely disgusted by people who dispose of animals just to have a baby, it's beyond wrong and a reflection of our Western societies disposable view on life. But that's another subject haha. Yes I am totally pro choice but (and my boyfriend has known this since day one) I always knew if he was to get me pregnant then I don't think I could in fact have an abortion. It's such a major decision and I sometimes feel like men just think it's a push of a button and that's it no emotions connected with it. Yes if I was raped or some sort of equally awful situation I know I would 100% abort, but in a committed long term relationship where we see ourselves growing old together I just don't think I can.

lemieuxcrew February 19th, 2014 06:44 AM

Re: What to do...
Keep us posted. And as soon as you know join a DDC group. It will help you accept it! Though, honestly, Im 11 weeks into this and not fully accepting and Im still working on "getting excited." It will come though.......

Good luck!!!! I hope you get the answer that was "meant" for you.

horseshoe February 19th, 2014 08:17 AM

Re: What to do...
Thanks!!! This waiting is awful! I can't imagine how women who are actively TTC must feel each and every month!

horseshoe February 21st, 2014 02:41 PM

Re: What to do...
I put this in my other thread too but thought I'd add to this one. Well my heart just sank...I went to the bathroom and went to shower and I had a tiny bit of brown discharge. Not at all enough to show on my underwear but I saw on the TP. So I feel like AF is coming. So sad.

mamatomany February 21st, 2014 02:45 PM

Re: What to do...
I'm so sorry! That's the hard part about this kind of thing. When you have so many days to wonder it almost makes it feel like you're losing pregnancy and it's really disappointing. Don't give up hope, however. I spotted for weeks with four of my six pregnancies.

horseshoe February 21st, 2014 02:59 PM

Re: What to do...
Really? Oh my. I feel so uneducated about all this pregnancy stuff. haha. All the little things nobody tells you about. So I should still take a test to be sure then? Yes you're right, I had completely gotten used to the pregnancy idea and was quite excited. So I am actually quite sad although I won't let me emotions run wild just yet until I have taken a test!

mamatomany February 21st, 2014 03:25 PM

Re: What to do...
If your period does start full on then I wouldn't bother with a test. However if you have some spotting like you describe but your period doesn't start then I definitely would not rule out pregnancy. It's actually not unusual to have spotting during the first trimester for many women, but full on bleeding is different.

horseshoe February 22nd, 2014 01:20 AM

Re: What to do...
Well nothing ever ended up coming of that. Just that one tiny (and I truly mean tiny) amount of brown discharge on the TP. Nothing more has come of it...so back to square one of wondering I suppose hahaha. I was hoping to get a test yesterday but it just didn't work out so I have to wait a few more days but that's alright. I've wait this long already what is another few days. Thanks so much for your replies by the way I appreciate them a lot!

random567 February 22nd, 2014 01:04 PM

Re: What to do...
One thing you said that drives me nuts (and that I relate to) is being pro choice.

We had a pill fail (perfect user for 7 years and still wound up pregnant) and I am due in March. I was, and still am, prochoice but decided that in our situation that this pregnancy coming at an inconvenient time was not a good enough reason to abort. My fiance who has always claimed that he would never be interested in abortion SUDDENLY decided that abortion was the route to go once I found out I was pregnant. This flip flop (like your boyfriend has experienced) really disgusts and infuriates me.

I will say this for you to keep in mind as you go through the next few days, it is easy to say that he will come around and maybe he will but maybe he won't. Before this pregnancy my fiance was a strong, sensitive, caring man. Now I want to hit him daily. The baby hasn't come yet so maybe he will change his tune but I am not holding my breath. We are still together, but our relationship has gone to crap. He ignores and avoids me, he has no interest in the baby, he has never been to a doctors appointment, when I've been in the hospital I have to guilt him into coming to see me, he has made plans to be out of town the week before my due date and I have huge fears of him "blaming" our child. (As an aside, if things stay like this I do have a back up plan to leave him and ensure a safe and loving home for our baby.) Going through this pregnancy alone and knowing that he is so close has been one of the hardest things I've had to do. Often there are days I wish I would have already left and not have had hopes of him being there. All of that being said, when I feel our baby boy kick inside of me I know that so far I've made the right decisions. Ultimately the choices you make are the ones you have to deal with. I think you sound like you are ready if you are pregnant so good luck on all fronts. I hope your guy turns around quick!

horseshoe February 23rd, 2014 01:34 AM

Re: What to do...
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! I seriously can't even handle this nausea that I have felt for the last month and it just keeps getting worse and worse. Today is awful. I just want to curl up in a ball and vomit non stop. I have 0 energy despite getting 8.5 to 9 hours sleep everyday, I feel horrendous. As soon as my eyes open BAM there is that nausea and I have to do everything in my mental/physical power to not vomit all day.

Just a heads up that my boyfriend and I had a super long chat. I made it clear just how bad things were at the moment and how upset I was. He finally asked how I am and was honest and told him all my symptoms I've had for a month now and well It seems like he has pulled his head out of his .... hahaha. He is totally on board now with whatever happens, just as long as we're a team. So to make a long story short we are now good, really good.

Random567 That sounds like a terrible situation, and one that I feared I would be stuck in. It is crazy how men just seem to freak out (for lack of a better term) physically or mentally and suddenly become these selfish creatures when that pregnancy conversation happens. I have no advice for you but wish you all the best! :) I think in your heart you will know/do what is right for you and your baby boy.

mamatomany February 23rd, 2014 07:54 AM

Re: What to do...
Sorry about your nausea! I hope you are pregnant so that it's worth the misery :).

So glad your boyfriend has come around, that's great news!

When do you think you'll be able to get hold of a test?

horseshoe February 23rd, 2014 08:06 AM

Re: What to do...
Thanks! I have decided that even if I am not pregnant I'll be taking a visit to the Doctor just to see what's going on with me. I think I will be able to get a test on Wednesday so would be able to test Thursday morning. There is a very slight chance I could get one today but it depends if we go into town or not. Yes I'm quite glad he has come around, it sure makes a difference!

mamatomany February 23rd, 2014 08:42 AM

Re: What to do...
I'm on pins and needles for you so I can't even imagine how you must feel! I think a doctor visit is in order too. One way r the other, but hopefully the baby doctor!

horseshoe February 24th, 2014 12:18 AM

Re: What to do...
Well I took a test this morning and it was a BFN. I know I should be happy that I'm not having this surprise but I am beyond crushed. So incredibly sad about this. I knew no matter the outcome I'd be emotional though.

lemieuxcrew February 24th, 2014 06:18 AM

Re: What to do...
:( I'm sorry! It's ok. Now you know how much you want it and when you are ready it will be AWESOME. In the meantime, take care of yourself.

And again.....super sorry for your disappointment.

horseshoe February 24th, 2014 08:25 AM

Re: What to do...
So here is my original thread...

Is it possible that I tested too early? I didn't think I was testing too early, if anything I thought I had waited the right amount of time. But it was absolutely a BFN not even a hint of a line. I guess it could just as easily be symptoms from coming off the BC pills. My boyfriend thinks I should see the Doctor no matter what because I've been crampy, especially on my right side (nothing worth taking pain medication for) as well as nauseas every single day (although, not non stop) for a month. So far it has been 6 weeks since my last period but had a random one day of weird bleeding about 2.5 weeks ago but my last day of unprotected sex was February 3rd. I think I'm going crazy hahaha.

mamatomany February 24th, 2014 08:45 AM

Re: What to do...
Well, I think you tested plenty late enough. I'm so sorry :(. As far as the doctor visit, I would suggest instead just giving the doctor a call. Birth control can really mess up your hormones and it may take a well for your body to start ovulating again. The nausea could be related to that. The other thing is that even just the idea that you *might* be pregnant can bring on pregnancy like symptoms. Now that you know you're not, those symptoms may gradually go away.

I hope you get a baby soon!

horseshoe February 24th, 2014 10:45 AM

Re: What to do...
Thanks for the reply, I figured it would be that. Bit sad but it could always be much worse so I will count my blessings for now and look at the positives of the situation. Thanks again!

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