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-   -   Still feeling like I don't want this baby. . . (https://www.justmommies.com/forums/f100-unplanned-pregnancy/784514-still-feeling-like-i-don-t-want-baby.html)

Like_a_Child October 26th, 2007 05:24 PM


My name is Elisabeth. I just joined. I am 29 and expecting my first baby November 23.

So. . .my little boy will be arriving in less than a month and I'm embarassed to say I am still struggling with feelings of not wanting him. This pregnancy was totally unplanned. I had known the father about 2 weeks when we conceived. He is truly a wonderful man, and we are now married and doing the best we can to provide a great life for the little guy. We keep falling more and more in love, and I am totally happy with the relationship. He is ridiculously excited about the baby. But. . .

I feel SO much regret. For my part, I gave up a big-time, life-long, now totally impossible dream to have this baby. It's just that I could not imagine having an abortion. In a way, I wish I could have. Perhaps it would have been easier. I could have gone on with my life, and even if I felt awful and guilty, I could have kept on the course I was going on. But now, here I am having a baby when I NEVER wanted kids. It wasn't even on my radar as a possibility.

I thought I would have worked out these feelings by this point in the pregnancy (and I have made SOME progress) but this is still so difficult. Now I'm afraid these feelings are going to effect my labor, childbirth, and even my relationship with my son. I know it's not his fault and that I should want him. . .please help!

Kalia20 October 26th, 2007 07:49 PM

I think I know how you feel. I never ever wanted kids, and was actually overjoyed when I was told I was infertile. We were even using condoms and I still got pregnant. There are things that I have always wanted to do, dreams that I have, and they are seriously postponed now, if I can even get to do it. I have to depend on my boyfriend to support me and give me a good life now and that is also something I NEVER wanted. I LIKE making my own money and paying for what I want. Its the best feeling in the world. Now I'm going to be a mom. Will have to worry about paying for child care, what shifts hes on, what shifts I can work, will be limited to how many hours I work, revolving my life around someone else when I enjoy my freedom. It sucks and my baby isnt even born yet.

But you are in a happy stable relationship. I am as well. That alone is a dream that many many people want and never get, so I have that to be thankful for. I would take giving up/postponing my dream to have my boyfriend in my life than to have my dream NOW and not have him. Gotta find things that make you happy, thats all you can do. Im sure you will feel better when your baby boy comes, and you will wonder how you ever lived without him. I dont know what your dream is, but I'm sure there will be a way to work around it, even if it does require postponing for some years.

sara~b October 27th, 2007 07:20 AM

I had similar feelings when I got pregnant with my DD. However, almost 3 years later, when I look back I wonder where I'd be if I didn't have her. She's been my motivation and the impetus to achieve. I now have a great job, a beautiful apartment, I'm getting married, and things are just peachy. I honestly don't believe I'd be where I am now if I hadn't had her or if I'd given her up. I swear you won't regret having your baby (oh there will be moments but they won't last long!) and I'd be willing to bet that although the first couple months will be rough you will bond with your baby and know you made the right choice! GL!

ChibiCheekies16 October 27th, 2007 01:34 PM

I had a difficult time as well w/ my pregnancy. It did not come at the best time for me in my life either. But I don't have any regrets! They are feelings and you are entitled to feel however you want. Try talking it out. Writing them down. But welcome your new baby with open arms and a heart that is willing to love. Feelings change over time. And you may find that your dreams are still achievable!

Mom2LinaNangels October 28th, 2007 07:31 AM

I am not going to judge, but I want to tell a story. I got pregnant when I was 17 and I was terrified. I did not want a baby at that point in my life. I was scared I would never go to college and have a life. Her father and I had been together for 2 years and I felt he was the one, so we decided to have the baby. I think for a few months I was terrified and didn't know what to do. Finally I adjusted to having a baby and was truly excited. Jordyn died 11 days before her due date for unknown reasons. I always felt she was stillborn, because she was not wanted in the beginning. It has eatin me alive for 4.5 years. I loved her more than words can explain and seeing her made my whole world change. I only wish I could of taken her home. I got pregnant again right after, only to miscarry. I felt like I was being punished. I finally had a healthy daughter 18 months later and just had a son 3 weeks ago. I am getting married in April to the same man I have been with through it all and I am graduating this May as an RN. He has a great job and even though we sacrificed a lot, we would not change anything. You can still do what you want to do with life and I promise when you see your baby, you will love him. Some people can't have children and others lose them, try to remember how lucky you are. Best of luck.

Like_a_Child October 30th, 2007 05:46 PM

Thanks, all, for your kind words. I do know my life has been blessed in many ways and I am thankful for what I have. I also think I'll come around once I meet the baby. Now, he seems more like an idea than a reality. Even though I feel him moving inside me, I can't imagine there's actually a REAL person in there!

Most of all, I just need more time to let go of this dream I had. It's just hard to feel like I finally figured out what I really wanted to do with my life, only to let it slip away. . .This particular dream IS impossible now, unfortunately, and will be in the future as well. But I know I can and will still find fulfillment in other ways. And I hope that, like you, I will soon be able to say, "I can't imagine my life without this baby."

Kalia20 October 30th, 2007 07:57 PM

You got me so curious as to what this dream is that is now impossible :confused:

Jax October 31st, 2007 12:19 PM

ooh ooh ooh! Come join us in the November Due Date Club.. we're kind of crazy.. BUT.. we're possibly the most fun due date club ever. The women there are AMAZING and hilarious and many of us have gone through the same thing. (I also did not want my baby and contemplated abortion and adoption and yada yada yada). I technically had an October baby, but I have been posting there for months and will continue to do so..

I'm glad that your situation is working out the way that it is.. I'm glad that a man you'd been with such a short amount of time has turned out to be so amazing. I think, in the end, that is going to matter above all else. You'll have your own little family.

My husband and I were not at all even planning to EVER have children, let alone when I was 21 and he was (is) 25.. but we're sure glad we've got her now. Don't give up.. it will come in time.

Like_a_Child October 31st, 2007 07:15 PM

Sorry about being so vague. I wasn't sure how much I wanted to reveal. But. . .I think it might actually be cathartic for me to divulge a bit more.

I was supposed to enter an order of sisters (i.e. a convent) last month. It probably sounds crazy to many of you, but it was a dream come true for me, as I am totally in love with God and wanted to give my life in service with an amazing group of women. What happened with my now husband was just supposed to be "one last fling." After being celibate for almost 3 years, I just wanted to be with a man again before making such a huge, life-long commitment to being single. OOOPS!!!! End result, of course, was nothing fling-like at all, but a marriage, a baby, and a huge change of direction in my life.

So, as you can see, this dream is now officially IMPOSSIBLE for me. I still cry sometimes about what I've lost and the people I've let down. . .but I'm trying to remember what I've gained as well. I also trust that God loves and forgives me and will help me find a new form of ministry in my life.

Thanks for listening. . .

Kalia20 October 31st, 2007 08:19 PM

Ok that makes more sense. I think there are some spirtuality boards on here, I'm sure those ladies would be very supportive of you there.

Jax October 31st, 2007 09:22 PM

well yes then.. I suppose that that does become a bit of an impossibility.. but now you must really see how much God meant this for you as opposed to that. I think it's a BEAUTIFUL story. I have no doubt whatsoever that you will be completely whole in your new life.

Grateful~Gentle~Mama November 21st, 2007 09:48 PM

WEll I think that is the most OBVIOUS sign in the world that God had a differant plan for you, that He did not intend for you to become a nun (as noble as that idea is) and also that this little baby was meant to be AND you are supposed to have the privledge of raising him and the enjoyment of loving him while you all are hear on Earth. Its so obvious, I don't think anyone could even WISH for a better sign as to what their "purpose in live is!" This is WHY you are here!

And to make it even more obvious that it is right and what God wants for you, He even made sure that the man you intended to have a fling with ended up being a GREAT man and you are now happily married! I think its like a fairy tale, a dream come true. ot your dream, perhaps, but to me its a beautiful story and I believe and trust in God and He doesn't give you more than you can handle (I know this because I've bee through some crazy, awful and unbelieveable stuff and here I am, still going, and blessed with a baby to be, which was my only WISH in my entire life and when I had Cancer last year I thought that dream would never come true) so I KNOW God will pave the way for you to come to terms with and fall completely and totally in love with your son.

And who knows, maybe you all will end up havig loads more babies!!!!

Good luck and PLEASE keep us posted on how you are doing!!!

silentstar November 26th, 2007 12:38 PM

Hi Elizabeth:

I've been there. Last Jan I took a preg test and it changed my life. All through my pregnancy I told my friends and co workers that I wasn't excited or wanting the baby. I had been with my DH for 16 years and we had decided we weren't going to have children. Well after he came my emotions changed..maybe not right away but now it has been 8 weeks with him and I couldn't imagine my life without him. Good Luck and know you are not alone!!

sweetiez November 30th, 2007 05:35 PM

I feel your pain.
when i got PG i never wanted my child.! It took me over half my PG to start to feel "ok" about being pregnant. but when i was getting bigger..i hated it. I was like "I dont want to be fat!" after i had her i loved the birth when i held her for the first time was amazing. couldnt believe she was mine.. when she was a few months old i thought seriously looking into adoption. I did that off and on. But i knew i could never do it. I talked to an adoption lady even. But now i look back and so glad i never did. Like sara b said.. i cant imagine my life without her. I was 20 when i had her. And extemly unplanned. I was with her father for 3 years though.
Right now.. i left him..living on my own (again). And i have a wonderful bf that adorables my sweet baby girl!
Everything happens for a reason im a firm believer in it!
Now i look back..and it upsets me that i was not as happpy about my pregnancy. And when ever i 'plan' to have another child.. hope to extremly excited. But it hurts i was soo negitive and unhappy about it..
Take it easy..

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