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-   -   Vent about family. (https://www.justmommies.com/forums/f47-venting-room/2357786-vent-about-family.html)

mcmarlena June 24th, 2011 11:23 AM

Vent about family.
Back in Febuary my mom was calling wanting to know if my DS could come up and spend his spring break with her. Since he has been born, she has doted on him and spent a lot of time with him. He loves her dearly and she (I'm sure) loves him just as much. But...for the past two/three years they have been kinda living rough and I had been cutting back on the time that he spent at her house. Most of the times that I was sending him up there, they had no food, no gas to bring him home, etc. I'd give my dad money so they could buy food and gas, hoping they were feeding my son while he was there.

When my brother and I were little, my parents both did drugs. Mostly back then it was just pot, and then as we got older it was pot and prescription drugs. When I announced that I was pregnant with my son (11 years ago) my mom made a full turnaround. She stopped smoking ciggs, stopped smoking pot, and cut back on the prescription meds. I had kinda figured a time or two that they may have slipped back to their old habits when DS came home smelling like smoke and also telling me they had no food again when he was up there. DH is a cop, doesn't smoke, and we might drink 3-4 times a year at the most on special occasions. We have been TTC for 2 years and I don't smoke or use any drugs either. We are far from perfect people, but we try to give DS a stable home where stuff like that is not around.

So in Febuary, she was calling and asking if he could come. I put it off and put it off and finally sent her an e-mail saying I was concerned about the lack of food and the smokey smell on DS's clothes. The last time DS went, he came back and told me that my dad and his friend kept going back and forth to the bedroom and leaving him in the livingroom alone. I knew something was up then. So, having my moms PW to her FB account, I logged her account and found that while he was up there, that she had been making and setting up deals to pick up marijuana with my son in her care. And the friend was the one supplying them with it and smoking it with my dad while my son was in the other room.

When she responded and denied ALL of it, I told her I'd been on her FB and I'd read the mails. She got really enraged saying it was her life and her business and I had no right to go through her personal accounts. I eventually talked to my dad who asked me what the big deal was, said hed been smoking since he was 13 and it was no big deal...they were going to eventually legalize it anyway. My mom grabbed the phone from him, told me she hated me, that I was just mad because I couldn't have a baby and was taking it out on her, and told me she'd never speak to me again.

That was 4 months ago.

Most of the family know they have a habit. FB didn't have to tell me, we all knew the signs. My grandmother doesn't understand how they can just blow money on drugs and not care about bills or food. But then again, gma wants us to make up and be friends again. Last night she called me and told me I needed to apoligize to my mother and tell her I was sorry for hurting her. I was like WHAT?!?!

Because of our struggles to have a bigger family, I've had a hard time being around those with babies. I almost break down in tears and have been having a really HARD time with our infertility. My brother and his wife had their first last year, and initially I was really involved, but then as my time went on without a baby, I kinda withdrew. My mom went and told both of them that I was jealous of their baby and god knows what else. Then she's calling my grandmother telling her I said and did things I didn't. She STILL to this day denies to everyone that she does drugs or was doing them around my son. I printed out her messages. I know the truth and so does she. A lot of people in the family don't talk to me as much, and when they do, they keep it short. I don't know what she's saying, but I'm sure it's far from the truth.

I don't know what to do. My DH and I are going through a really hard time right now. Probably some of the lowest times I have ever been. I need my family and someone to talk to, but I feel like she's alienated me from the family because I outted her. I am so thankful for my DH because he's been there for me so much during this, but I miss my family too.

Sorry this is so long. I've had to deal with it on my own for almost 5 months and it's hard. I need support and I need people backing me through this rough time. I have so much stuff going on and this on top of it. I'd love to hear some feedback or opinions.

pumpkin_lovely June 24th, 2011 01:12 PM

Re: Vent about family.

This sounds like such a tricky issue... on the one hand, family can be so important, but on another, they can also be a really bad or negative influence. I think that what you did was right.

You say that your Mom made a full turn-around, and it would seem that you were comfortable with leaving your son with her because of it. Once things changed and you could tell there was a problem (especially with evidence, regardless of how you got it!), you decided it wasn't the right environment for your DS.

While I don't see marijuana as being all that bad personally, it can become a really bad thing when it's being put above other things, like food. It sounds like they aren't recognizing how big a deal this is, and maybe you should shoot another email in greater detail? If they really love your DS, they will be willing to work under your own terms. NO IFS, ANDS, OR BUTTS.

:dothug: Good luck!

BigGrin June 28th, 2011 09:48 PM

Re: Vent about family.
First of all, I am really sorry you are going through this and the people you should be able to turn to (family) are being this way. It sounds like your mother is a toxic person and you would do well to put some very serious boundaries in place whenever future interactions occur. Also, I would no longer share ANY sensitive information with her regarding TTC as it just arms her with very hurtful barbs.

I do think it incredibly telling that these adults don't think anything of being under the influence while caring for your child. I also think it shows very poor judgement (on their behalf) to expose him to the type of people that illegal drugs tend to attract. You are the mother and therefore whatever ground rules you have in place need to be respected. Period.

I had to cut my mother out of my life for a few years and I still tightly control any interaction we have. She is very emotionally manipulative as well as a compulsive liar so I had to stop thinking of her as my mother and more of a person who had to be "handled." Now that I put this boundary in place it has protected my heart from her actions. If your mother wants to see her grandson then she needs to treat you with respect and also obey the rules you raise your son by.

in_mommy June 30th, 2011 03:12 PM

Re: Vent about family.
(((HUGS))) Sorry to hear what you guys are going through. Are you close to any of your DH's family? You should be able to count on your own family, but sometimes you just cant do that. If it were me, I wouldn't be allowing my kids alone with them if they are back into doing illegal stuff. It was great she changed her life around, but if she didn't maintain it, then I would not take the chance of who knows what happening with my kid. If something should happen if he would to go there and CPS comes in for whatever reason, your DH could be looking at getting himself into trouble as well for allowing his child to go into that situation. My DH is a cop too, and I was a CPS worker before having kids. Are there any support groups that you could find, I know that is not the same as family, but at least you wouldn't be alone :( I wish there was something I could do for you...

RayofHope July 5th, 2011 12:09 PM

Re: Vent about family.
Iím so sorry you are going through this. It has got to be tough. I just ended an 8 year relationship with the kid Dad because he was a angry drug addict. I know its not exactly the same but I get the outbursts and the denial and not wanting to have your kids around it. So if you want to PM me please feel free. I donít know that there is anything else you can do at this point. Your mother is totally in the wrong here. If my kids came home smelling like smoke I would be livid. You are doing the right thing keeping your son away from that house.

american-leanings July 16th, 2011 03:56 PM

Re: Vent about family.
I understand your concern completely. I dealt with family dealing with drug and alcohol issues, too, and it's extremely difficult (the family in question being my own mother, no less!). I was trying to figure out how to disallow my five year old from seeing his own grandmother because of it when my mom and her husband (who's an utter moron, but that's beside the point) decided to move back to CT from FL, where we'd moved to only five months ago. The situation of letting my son see them got resolved, thank god. I sincerely hope that your own situation gets resolved too.


wazza3266 February 8th, 2012 05:52 AM

Re: Vent about family.
forget everyone else. look after number one until you feel better within yourself. then open up again.

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