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-   -   Vent about MIL... (https://www.justmommies.com/forums/f47-venting-room/260697-vent-about-mil.html)

MirandasMommy July 25th, 2006 11:18 AM

Okay, first let me just say I do not like my MIL that much. I tolerate her and I am nice to her for my fiance's sake. She is a very snobby lady, and she often does things to push my buttons for her own amusement. I've done really good controlling my temper and not letting her know that these things bother me. Well, here's the dilemma. My sister and her best friend are throwing my baby shower for me. I basically gave my sister the list of people I wanted to invite, which consists of close friends and family (both from my side and my fiance's). Well this past weekend we went to my MIL's and she gives me a list of 50 people of whom I know about 5-10. I wrote her an email letting her know that we wouldn't have enough room to accomodate so many guests. Well so she sent me a revised list with about 30 people (still too many) and I don't know anyone on this list. She also informed me that "most of those people won't show up" and that "they'll send gifts". Well I just didn't like that concept at all and told my fiance and he was just saying to invite them so his mom wouldn't get upset. Well it really hacks me off because this is MY SHOWER not hers. I mean, I wouldn't throw her a b-day party and then give her a list of 50 of my friends to invite. So, today I wrote her again and told her straight up (and very nicely) that I really wanted the shower to just be close friends and family and that if her and my SIL wanted to throw a seperate shower that would be great. Well she got mad about that and wrote me back saying that she knew all those people would send gifts and that she was "trying to help me out". I guess I just really need to let all of this out because it's not just the shower thing it's HER. I mean, I told my fiance last night "This is how it's going to be the rest of my life. You're mom making me mad and me having to hold it in for your sake." Maybe I was a little out of line, but I'm just sick of her and sick of her crap. I seriously feel like my emotions are going to explode and I'm going to tell her exactly what I feel. Anyways, if any of you have any advice on dealing with inlaws or anything please reply!!!!

whitlovesoak July 25th, 2006 11:28 AM

if i were you and she bothers you again i would tell her that you are not even arranging the shower that your sister is. and tell her she will need to work it out with her. then tell your sister that you do not want people you do not know to come. they can hack it out together. that way your MIL cannot fully blame you for them not being able to come. does that help at all? i wish i could be of more help. i am sorry you have to deal with that. i hope you work through it and that things do end up getting better for you! xoxo

MirandasMommy July 25th, 2006 11:36 AM

Thanks for the advice. In my latest e-mail I did tell her that my sister also didn't have enough money to accomodate so many people and I told her that if she has any questions to please feel free to call my sister and left her number. She wrote me back though and didn't say anything about my sister. It's just so frustrating! I mean, I'm very outspoken and usually speak my mind, but the only reason I refrain from doing so with her is because I don't want to come between my fiance and his mom. I mean, I would hate for her to stop talking to him or something because she's mad at me, so I just put up with her crap. I just wish there was something I could do to fix this now, before we're married. Anyways, thanks again for the advice!!!!

babyn2 July 25th, 2006 01:25 PM

I hear you, and I know you are venting. But this is a little different from a birthday party. This will be her grandchild, and maybe she is just excited and wants to share it with her friends too. She is proud!!

Perhaps she can hold her own shower for you, that is the best solution, in my opinion, like the previous poster said.

And I am not downplaying your situation, I don't know her and maybe she is just being a witch. But maybe not, ya know... ;)

mrsracatoe July 25th, 2006 01:42 PM

I would tell her that your sister is going to hold a shower for you and that if she wants to she can hold one with her people for you. That would be the best solution, IMO. I'm sorry that you are going through this because this is supposed to be the happiest time in your life and I can only imagine how you feel now. My in-laws are not that bad but I am sure that there is going to be a dilemma about a baby shower for me when I finally get preggo because we have purchased everything that we need already. Well except for a few things. Good Luck! I hope that everything works out. Have you tried explaining to your fiance how you really feel?? I think that maybe you should before you get married to see if he can help ease up your MIL being that way with you. I would rather see you get it taken care of before you get married than have to deal with it for the rest of your life. Try and see what he says. I'm sure he loves you enough to be concerned about your feelings. We are here for you if you need anything! :dothug:

in_mommy July 25th, 2006 03:58 PM

Another you could tell her, is that if she has so many people that she is wanting to invite, then she needs to have a shower as well and then she can invite as many people as she wants. I have seen that done before that there was a shower done on both sides of family, just seemed to make things easier. Otherwise tell her to forget it and that immediate family from her side is invited and that is it.

beck12 July 25th, 2006 07:40 PM

I knwo it's hard dealing with a MIL that isn't warm & fuzzy - but sometimes it is part of the package. My MIL & I have butted heads a few times & despite being a generally outspoken person - I do my VERY best to mend fences quickly & keep my mouth shut. In hte end it is HIS mom & she raised him. If she is totally toxic that is one thing - if she's a bit of a buttinski - that's another. Over time hopefully most of this will be ironed out - but until then try to make friends. He only has his mom for as long as she is on this earth & the last thing anyone should want for the man they love is hard feelings with his family(I am NOT suggesting you want hard feelings - I see you want to make things good). I am not saying she is right - what I am saying is try. If she gets upset - do your best to say that isn't how you meant it - it is simply an issue that someone else is throwing you a party & you can't really dictate how the party is to be thrown, in the same way - you would never dictate a party she threw. In the end - what everyone wants is to have a good relatiosnhip - so keep that in mind as you have your interactions with her. Before responding to anything - think of the goal of having a good relationship (with some boundaries - yes it's possible :P ) and try to react lovingly & working toward that goal. I know it feels overwhelming & I would tell ya a story or two that I have dealt with except the post would be too long & get on a tangent about me. Just trust me - I have seen DIL & MIL wars - and NO ONE wins!

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