And
how about that new job description—twenty-four-hour
personal servant? We all know, or quickly learn, that
the work required to keep our ten-pounder alive is
astounding. They are truly phenomenal crying, eating,
inputting, and outputting machines. All we can do
is pitch diapers back and forth, go wash another bottle,
and try not to lose our place on the assembly line.
Just the thought of it makes us want to sit down and
have a gin and tonic.
The
New and Different Ways We Communicate
The
Big Leagues (Cover Baby’s Ears)
At
times, we feel like we are under siege, and the pressure
can take its toll. Remember when it was just the two
of you and your biggest arguments revolved around
whose turn it was to pick the restaurant, or who left
their underwear on the bathroom floor? Friends, that
was just battling it out in the sandbox. Caring for
a newborn puts you right up there in the big leagues.
It’s a whole new ball game. At best there are
testy exchanges: “What do you mean you didn’t
buy more diapers yesterday?” But often things
get downright nasty. Doors are slammed and sofas are
slept on.
Our
friend Steve recalls feeling overwhelmed by the baby’s
cries and yelling at his wife to “Get the (bleep)
ing diaper!” He later asked her when she thought
her mom-instincts would kick in, to which she quickly
replied, “How the (bleep) should I know?”
They are among the many new parents who simply cannot
avoid expletives in these crazy early days.
“My husband had the unfortunate experience
of telling me I should nap when the baby naps. I
told him, ‘Screw you. You’re at work.
You take a nap.’”
—Helen, married 11 years, 3 kids
This period of extreme parenting can cause severe
Scorekeeping. “You’re too tired to watch
her for a -couple of hours? Too bad. I haven’t
showered for three days. Just suck it up!” We’ll
talk in detail about Scorekeeping in the next chapter,
and how it can set the stage for ongoing marital conflict.
Fascinating Conversation
Even if we aren’t fighting, our conversation
just isn’t what it used to be. The day-to-day
care of a newborn ushers in new and fascinating repartee.
Now all we talk about is…the baby and how to
care for the baby—when to feed the baby, how
much to feed the baby, whose turn it is to feed the
baby, who’s going to wash the bottles, when
to change the baby, who’s going to change the
baby, when should the baby take a nap, when should
the baby wake up, what should the baby wear, it’s
too cold, no, it’s too hot, he needs a blanket,
no, he doesn’t, he threw up a few minutes ago,
his poop was a weird color, he didn’t poop today,
we need to track his poops, why has he been crying
for 3 hours. It’s endless.
Fun and Games
New parents resort to all manner of fun and games
to keep themselves amused during this difficult time.
Here are some of our personal favorites:
Midnight Chicken
Also known as Who Will Blink First? It goes something
like this: It’s 3:00 a.m. The baby is awake
(again) and crying (again). You are both awake. You
both hear her. But nobody moves. Women are tacitly
calling in their chit (Surely he knows it’s
his turn this time?), but men, the masters of this
game, simply play dead (maybe they throw in a little
snoring). They can’t hear the crying because
they are sound asleep. Who will cave in and get up
first? Needless to say, it’s usually Mom.
Our friend Charlotte, however, plays a mean game
of Advanced Midnight Chicken: “I used to nudge
my husband when the baby would cry and say, ‘Hey,
you’re up. I got her last time.’ But there
really was no last time.” She’d been asleep
all along, but he didn’t know it. So don’t
get too comfortable there in the bed, Daddy-O.
Tricks to Dodge the Poop
Then there are the guys who cringe at the thought
of changing a poopy diaper and will say or do anything
to avoid it. We know we women have a heightened sense
of smell, but come on—that toxic-waste diaper
passes your Smell Test? And how about Kyle, who has
never changed one because, he claims, “It would
make me throw up.” How clever.
The Affair
John actually slips away from work an hour early
just so that he can surreptitiously have a quick drink
with his best friend before he heads home:
“I feel like I’m having an affair
with my best friend. I try to see him once a week
before catching my usual train for the evening. Don’t
tell my wife. If she finds out, she’ll insist
I come home an hour earlier and I’ll never see
Pete again. It’s just nuts.”
The Fake Business Trip
Things can get so bad that some fathers resort to
elaborate gamesmanship to survive, or more accurately,
to get away from the baby-induced mania. The clear
champion of this game is a new father, whom we’ll
call Ron, who got a little desperate:
“When our first daughter was born
I was so exhausted I couldn’t keep it together
at work. I thought my boss was going to come in and
find me passed out on the keyboard. Things got so
bad that I told my wife I had to go on a business
trip to Chicago. There was no business in Chicago.
But I took a day off work, flew to Chicago, checked
into a hotel, and got a full night’s sleep.
It was heaven. I’m not really proud of lying
to my wife, but it was a question of survival. I just
couldn’t take it anymore.”
By the way,
we absolutely and emphatically do not endorse this “solution,”
although we know husbands everywhere (our own included)
are secretly in awe of Ron’s ingenuity.
Sex
Huh?
No one is having sex during this period (and if you
are, it’s nothing short of weird). Women have
to heal, no one has any energy, and if there is any
extra time, you are sleeping. Next.
If
you would like a copy of the book, just click: www.babyproofingyourmarriage.com/buy
1
| 2 previous>>>
